Fire
by Fayet
Summary: In which Remus develops a sudden interest in the wolfsbane potion and it's creator, Severus would rather be left alone, and Albus tries his hand at matchmaking. Voldemort is a bastard, Lucius Malfoy jealous, and Sirius mostly confused. Companion piece to "Smoke"/can be read alone. AU-ish, slash, notes inside.
1. The best is yet to come

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Has never been. Will never be.

Rating: Hum. You know. Might go up and such. Also this features slight slash, so please be warned.

Notes: This fanfiction is a translation. The original is "Earl Gray", was published 2010 - 2011, and has 21 chapters. "Fire" follows the general story arc of "Earl Gray", but I had so much fun changing the previous piece while translating that both will not be identical. Plot and character developement will change. For you that also means that I don't have to write it up from scratch, so you know that there will be an ending and that it actually almost all makes sense. Yes.

Also I'd like to point out that, while "Fire" is the second part to "Smoke", it can be read on it's own. I try to explain things as I go along without repeating myself too much, but if you're keen on reading things, maybe read "Smoke" first. Or not.

And finally: I ignore everything that happened after PoA, so this is AU-ish, in a sense that the plotlines and character development are out of canon. That especially concerns Snape's background story, family and life ante Hogwarts, but also Remus' childhood and details. Sorry I'm not sorry, but I didn't like anything past PoA, seriously. So I ignore it. Yay!

Whenever someone speaks a language that is not english the quote will be translated and explained in the comment section underneath each chapter. Same goes for certain details, historical events and wizarding 101. I loved writing Earl Grey because I could think up lots of details and do some research, so there's much historical more or less accurate potion trivia, herbology and so much latin to come.

Last, but not least: read, review, have fun, don't kill me. Here we go.

* * *

**Fire**

_That valley, dark and deep and filled with mist, _

_is such that, though I gazed into its pit,_

_ I was unable to discern a thing. _

_(...)_

_Our path had not gone far beyond_

_ the point where I had slept,_

_ when I beheld a fire_

_win out against a hemisphere of shadows._

Dante: Divina Commedia, Inferno: Canto 04

(transl. Mandelbaum)

* * *

**The best is yet to come**

It was one of the world's absolute certainties that the Daily Prophet's prophecies were never right. They tended to sway between being utterly wrong and just slightly off the mark. Everybody knew that, even the most delusional loyal subscriber. It had been a big surprise, then, that for once the newspaper had been absolutely spot on.

And with something as important as the weather, even. Between all the political scandals, the Quidditch results and the conspiracy theories that always had everybody as a criminal who wasn't Voldemort or a Death Eater it had been the weather column, a small segment everybody knew about and nobody ever read. Early in June the Daily Prophet's very own weatherwitch, a rather peculiar Ms. Cumulus, had announced the coming month to be the summer of all summers, to bring everything the endlessly rain-soaked British Islands had been dreaming off forever. Nobody had listened. The number of applications for long-distance apparation licences hadn't declined even the in the slightest.

And then Ms. Cumulus had been right. It wasn't warm and sunny, it was hot and humid. Even the night barely brought coolness, hardly a breeze. It was warm everywhere, and even the highlands and northern parts of Scotland suddenly needed more sunscreen than anybody had ever used in the past ten years. Witch Weekly ran a highly successful issue with a decent number of sun protection spells as front-page story and sold more copies than they had even with their Exploding Christmas Pudding Special the previous year.

The heat wave hit Hogwarts just as it did every other part of Great Britain. Even the most tucked away rooms and corridors of the castle were filled with heat, and thick as a blanket it lay on the grounds and the Forbidden Forest. The castle sat upon its hill like a tired beast that had crouched down and decided to never move again.

But the heat brought more then just sweat, red skin and a unusal intense use of ice cubes. With it came the freedom to simply drop all work, declare that it was too warm to think anyway, and enjoy the suddenly free time. The lake saw more patrons than ever before, the Forbidden Forest was suddenly attractive as a lovely spot for a walk around noon, and several members of the still residing faculty had declared the dungeons to be the best living space in all of Hogwarts. Not that many of them went there.

Remus, at least, didn't. He knew that Severus had started to use certain parts of the student's laboratories for his own experiments which used heat-sensitive ingredients, and he knew better than to meet the Head of Slytherin per chance all alone in a darkened corridor.

He had a certain idea that he wouldn't survive such a lovely coincidence. After all he had come up with something like a blackmailing scheme, a rather exquisite plot to make Severus do - well. Something. Remus Lupin was rarely in possession of knowledge that was adequate to blackmail anyone. But what he had seen on his excursion with Severus to the opium den in a rather seedy part of London had suddenly provided him with ample material to stage a beautiful little blackmail affaire.

It was just that Remus wasn't very experienced with blackmail. Working as a spy he had acquired a nice set of unsavoury skills, could fight cleverly and creatively, could talk people into doing things or simply hide somewhere and observe the situation for days on end. But blackmail wasn't inherent to his personal arsenal of weapons.

His biggest problem was that he wasn't yet sure what exactly he wanted. Which, he had to admit, was slightly strange considering the fact that usually people came up with the idea of blackmail to get something very specific. In his case the blackmail had been there before he had come up with a proper reason.

If he was honest that wasn't a very clever plot. Yet. Wanting nothing in particular wasn't something one could cut out from newspapers and paste together. I have your cat and I want you to pay me five pounds my noon! Now, that was something one could arrange on paper and throw in someones' mailbox.

Just that Severus didn't have a cat. Or a mailbox.

And what Remus had wasn't an object, but more a rather interesting idea of Severus' line of work as a spy for the order. And, much more important, a lot of interesting information on the spy himself. Only days after their excursion to the opium den Remus had realized that what he had learned was actually - literally - vitally important. In his mind the image of Severus stretched out on the divan was still very present, opium pipe dangling from long fingers, strange smile painted to his face as he admitted to be suffering, to be dying actually.

If Remus was honest to himself all he wanted to do was to help. And then find a way to make Severus purr indecent things into his ear, but that was quite a different story.

But he had no clue how to achieve his first goal, nevermind the second. Or what actually was wrong. Severus hadn't quite listed his ailments. He briefly mentioned the Cruciatus and what it did to a human body, but he hadn't said what it did to his specific human body. And Remus knew he wouldn't ever confess anything. Severus wasn't the type to complain. He'd keep silent and die that way, rather than ever admitting that it was too much. That he couldn't do this any longer, not the way they were doing it right now.

But Remus cut a rather unimpressive knight in shining armour, and he knew it. It wouldn't quite do to rush into the lab on a white horse and sweep Severus off his feet, neverminding the fact that he didn't know how to handle a horse and that Severus wasn't really one of those half-naked beauties from the books his aunts used to read.

So he had come up with a different plan, and that included the blackmail.

There was also this very strange thing that was Remus' sudden sexual attraction to his lifelong antagonist. Somehow he had hoped that it had been the opium. Then he had hoped that it was just some weird idea the wolf had gotten into its furry head, that whatever Remus suddenly saw in the git would just go away, rather soon, if he just ignored it.

But nothing like this happened.

He hadn't exactly seen much of Severus in the past two weeks, and every time they had met at dinner or lunch they had skillfully and with years of practice ignored each other. But strangely enough Remus' fine hearing had picked up on Severus deep voice whenever someone was speaking to him, even amidst the general soundscape of conversations at a crowded dinner table, and it had reminded him of the silky purr he couldn't get out of his head anymore.

Great. He felt like he was fifteen once again, and it wasn't something he was particularly pleased with.

Sighing Remus dropped his head back and looked at the bright blue sky as if it could supply him with an answer. But only a few white clouds and birds were in view, and they weren't talkative.

He had been sitting on a small hill overlooking the lake for a while now. It was his usual spot for thinking, or relaxing, or reading. From here he could see the castle perched on the hill, overlooked parts of the grounds, and could think on the reflexes of light and sky on the lake's clean water. Or on the reflexes the small oil lamp in the opium den had thrown on Severus' pitch black eyes.

And then suddenly Sirius plonked down on the grass, and scared Remus half to death. How come he hadn't heard him coming? He really needed to get Severus out of his head. And find a solution for his blackmail problem.

"Hogwarts calling Moony. What's wrong with you? Are you brain dead or something?"

Sirius waved a hand in front of Remus' face, and poked him into the shoulder. Remus shock his head and boxed back.

"I was lost in thought, sorry. Didn't hear you coming at all. Were you creeping up on me?"

Shaking his head Sirius stretched, and then lay back on the grass.

"Of course I wasn't, you're jumpy as it is. Whatever it is you're thinking about, it must be fascinating. You haven't been yourself these past days. What's the matter with you?"

Remus sighed. For a brief moment he considered telling Sirius the truth, but then he'd probably be thrown in the lake and dunked underwater for the next hour or so, in what Sirius would probably call a purification ceremony.

"What would you ask for if you could have anything?"

Sirius propped himself up on an elbow and regarded Remus with an expression that clearly betrayed how strange the question was. Sometimes he wondered whether heat wasn't bad for werewolves, in general.

"Like, what? Why?"

Shrugging Remus started to pull out bushels of grass.

"Theoretical question. Do you know what that is?"

Sirius snorted.

"Yeah, as if. That's like those my-friend-thinks-you're-hot schemes. I'm not stupid, you know. Anyway. If, in your very theoretical and at all not implying that you're thinking about something rather weird scheme I could ask for anything I'd want a new broom. Or sex. I guess freedom isn't an option, right?"

It seemed rather fair that Sirius was thinking about sex. At least Remus wasn't the only one with a dirty mind.

"I guess not. Okay, thanks."

Sirius shook his head, black unruly hair flying everywhere.

"Really, you don't want to tell me? Come on, I'm your best friend and personal pet and all that emotional stuff. Well, you know, if you want to talk just tell me."

He was rather sure he didn't want to indulge Sirius with his recent sexual fantasies concerning Severus, his very long fingers and a rather - Merlin, he wouldn't go there right now! Gritting his teeth he shock his head again.

"Okay. In any case, I meant to tell you that I'll be gone for the next weeks, on and off. Albus wants me to look after Harry a bit, you know, wander the neighbourhood and such things. He isn't sure Harry is safe there anymore, but I've been telling him forever that he should take him in during the summer. Hogwarts would make a proper vacation spot for him. But Albus insists on the Dursleys, for whatever reason. In any case I guess I'll be back before the next full moon, but if I'm not you'll be okay alone, yes? Do you have your potion? And did that opium thing work? And where's the bat currently, haven't seen him around for days."

Remus followed the monologue with nodding and shrugging.

"Harry will be happy to see you, of course. I'll be fine, don't worry. The potion is there, I guess the opium worked and I haven't seen Severus for a while either. Does that answer all you questions?"

Sirius let himself fall back on his back again and nodded.

"Sure. Glad to hear you're feeling good. It was dreadful watching you being in so much pain. I know you really need that potion, but I could kill the old berk. And aren't you really tired of being dependent on the git for brewing that stuff every month? I'd be bugged by that."

The things that happened in Remus' brain in the next ten seconds felt as if someone had put the final piece of a gigantic puzzle into his hand, patted his shoulders and then turned on the light. Everything suddenly made sense.

"You're a bloody genius, do you know that?"

It was beautiful. It was perfect, made sense in every possible way, was absolutely innocuous and so easy. Remus could see it in front of his eyes, a fine panorama glittering in the morning light of a bright new day.

Sirius stared at him as if he had suddenly lost his mind. Heat and werewolves, he should have known. It didn't go together.

"What? Are you off your rocker?"

Remus smiled, the broadest possible, delighted and slightly mental smile, and nodded.

"Absolutely."

With more energy then he had shown all day he pushed himself off the ground and brushed the grass from his shorts.

"What's for dinner tonight, do you know? I'll see you later."

Then he waved and almost jogged back to the castle, all the time feeling Sirius' slightly disturbed and very surprised stare in his back. Remus had lost his mind, and the heat was to blame. Oh yes. It was time to look for a cooler place in the castle. Maybe the dungeons. There were potion's labs down there, after all, and someone who just had acquired a rather tangible problem.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 24/7/2010 - 1/9/2014


	2. The best-laid schemes

**The best-laid schemes**

Remus didn't have to go far. As soon as he entered the castle he ran into Minerva McGonagall, who had seen Severus at breakfast that day and remembered that he had refused an already rhetorical invitation for tea with the excuse of having to do something incredibly complicated that included lots of numbers and would keep him occupied in the student labs for the full day.

Whistling Remus climbed down the stairs into the dungeons, savouring the coolness still sitting between the heavy stones. It calmed his warm skin and eased the build-up heat in his body remarkably well.

For a short moment he leaned against the strong wall, feeling the rough structure of the century-old stones, listening to their soft and faint whispering. He didn't understand their language, but he heard it perfectly well, and always imagined that they told him tales of all the wizards and witches who had been there before him, their successes and defeats, their dramas and joys. He didn't know whether everybody could hear the whispering stones or if it was only him, but it had never occurred to him to ask anyone else.

Then he walked on. The door leading to the student laboratories was ajar, and without knocking he pushed it open a bit further and glanced inside.

Minerva had been right. Severus sat on a bench in the first row, his back to the door, feet only slightly brushing the floor. His gaze was fixed to the large blackboard, which was covered from top to bottom with numbers, arithmetical signs, and very strange-looking lines. A very distant memory rose in Remus' mind, reminding him of a few sessions in Potions in his seventh year during which their professor had introduced his class to the very basic elements of alchemical arithmetic, a subject Remus had immediately decided he wouldn't pursue further. It was a true art, that was clear, but Remus had never been friendly with numbers and mathematical magic to begin with. His talents were rather hands-on, what Sirius always claimed meant that he wasn't the brightest.

Silently he pushed the door open further and without making unnecessary noise walked into the lab. Severus didn't move. His gaze was firmly on the long row of numbers on the blackboard. A piece of chalk floated in mid-air close to the blackboard, indicating which line Severus was currently considering, waiting to receive orders. A second piece was in his left hand, and without any apparent sign that he was aware of it he turned it between his fingers, an endless circle. His hand, lab robe and hair showed serious signs of being covered in chalk dust. He wasn't aware of it.

For a short moment Remus considered whether it was a particular good idea to disturb the atmosphere of absolute concentration. But just as he had decided to say something a gesture from Severus silenced him and bade him to take a seat. Dutiful Remus sat down in one of the benches and continued to watch the scenery. Since the numbers on the blackboard didn't make any sense at all he concentrated on the man instead.

Summer hadn't done Severus any favours. Or, more accurately, hadn't changed him in the slightest. He didn't wear his long academic robes, yes, but that was about the only difference there was between the Head of Slytherin and the chalk-dust covered potions master in front of Remus. He was again wearing an old lab robe, this time in a dark grey hue, although Remus wasn't sure whether the thing had been dark from the very beginning or just gone grey with washing. Around his left wrist the same frayed cloth as always covered the Dark Mark, and his hair was held together at the nape of his neck by a simply silver clasp, revealing a rather indecent amount of pale skin and the uppermost vertebrae in his neck.

That pale skin made Remus nervous was a rather new development, and he realized it without remorse. He was under no illusions about himself.

In the meantime it seemed that Severus had made progress with his numerical monster. Suddenly the silently floating piece of chalk became alive, and with ferocity continued the row of numbers at the very bottom of the blackboard. Then it stopped suddenly, flew upwards a bit, and remained there again waiting for new orders. From his seat Remus saw Severus' lips moving silently. The look on his face was something Remus had never seen before. He was completely lost for the present world, occupied by something only his inner eye could see, submerged into a lake of pure concentration and knowledge, tapping into resources he had probably acquired long ago. It was strange, and new, and beautiful, as it always was to see someone do something they loved and knew by heart.

He had never seen Severus brew, and right now he realized that he decidedly had to change that.

Then Severus suddenly grinned, snapped his fingers and the piece of chalk changed lines and replaced a three underneath a particular obscure root-symbol with a five. From there on everything seemed to come together easily. The piece of chalk raced over the blackboard, replacing numbers, switching intermediate results and finally writing a number with no less than seven positions after the decimal point. With a squeak the chalk piece underlined the result four times and then came to rest at its usual spot underneath the blackboard. In its place a piece of parchment and a quill flew up to the teacher's desk and started to copy the mathematical monster from the blackboard.

Satisfied Severus nodded, his eyes still on the blackboard. Without realizing that his hand was still covered with fine white chalk he brushed a stray strand of hair out of his face, leaving white powder all over his forehead.

"There's a certain beauty in finding a mistake simply by taking apart the mathematical aspects of the second elemental level. I know that you will tell me how daring it is to do that equation in the second line, but let me tell you - "

He turned around and fell silent.

"Somehow I thought it was Albus. What do you want?"

Maybe to distract Remus he brushed the chalk off his hands. Remus pointed at the blackboard.

"How long did you sit down here calculating that?"

Severus shrugged.

"What time is it? Past lunch?"

Shaking his head Remus grinned.

"It's almost dinner time."

Standing up Severus crossed the room towards the small sink and started to wash his hands.

"Considering that you used to be rather helpless when it came to numbers I imagine that you are not here because of a sudden interest in alchemical arithmetic."

Biting back a sharp remark Remus decided to smile instead. It wasn't yet time to strike. Not yet. The trap was almost ready. He just needed two more steps. And he took the first one that very second.

"You see, I don't quite see the beauty in them. Maybe you can help me. You should recall that I know a few things you might want me to keep to myself. But, as you can imagine, my silence comes at a price."

Severus was almost done with cleaning his hands, and reached for a towel. For a very short second Remus thought that a strange smile ghosted over his face, but it was gone so quickly that he wasn't sure whether he hadn't only imagined it.

"Is that so. And what do you require for your silence?"

Very carefully Severus replaced the towel on its hock and turned around, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Somehow sitting at a student's table didn't help Remus' authority. He tried to ignore that, though.

"Well, what can I want from you?"

He made care to stress the personal pronouns, indicating that there could hardly be anything that Severus Snape had that he would want to have. Besides the whole man, maybe. But it wasn't the right moment to admit that. Smiling sweetly he continued.

"If we consider our current situation you might realize that I am, to a certain extent, dependent on you. Or on wolfsbane, which is roughly the same. I need it every month, and that will never change. I might also not always have access to a potions master."

There was a hint of panic in Severus raised eyebrow.

"Does that mean that you - ?"

He didn't even finish his sentence, but Remus nodded, looking at him the way he would at a particular slow student.

"I see you understand what I mean. I want you to teach me how to make wolfsbane. In return I will keep your little secret."

It seemed that Severus was in desperate need to hold something in his hands just so he could drop it. At least he didn't faint or burst into laughter. Still he somehow managed to choke, and coughed rather graceless into his sleeve for a solid minute. When he had air in his lungs once more he regarded Remus with a glance as if he was a member of an especially stupid species.

"Have you gone mad? That's impossible."

Remus simply crossed his legs.

"Does that mean that you cannot do it or that you do not wish to do it?"

WIthout warning Severus slammed a hand on the nearest table.

"Do you even have the slightest idea how complicated that bloody potion is? You're not equiped to create something that is even remotely as difficult as wolfsbane. You have no education beyond the basic school curriculum for potions, you cannot perform wandless magic and are thus not capable of concentrating magical energy precisely and you lack focus. You do not even know the basics."

Remus still smiled.

"As werewolf I possess an excellent and heightened sense of smell, as you might now. I had very good potions grades for the NEWTs, although I wasn't the top student of my class, as you might remember, considering that you were that person. I am also not in the slightest interested in these mathematical nightmares. All I want it the practical aspect, nothing more."

Remus could see slow anger in Severus' body language. This was perfect.

"No. This potion isn't a toy or anything you've ever seen before. Wolfsbane is new, hardly tested, and incredibly delicate. Put it off balance in the wrong moment and this whole damn castle is gone. Belby died that way. Ingredients are rare and very expensive. I'm condemned to stop my students from blowing us all up during term time, I've got no capacities to control a delusional layman in my lab toying with highly volatile ingredients. And if you fail there will be a loose werewolf amongst us during the next full moon? No. This is not going to happen."

Apparently the mere idea of having Remus in his lab was a proper nightmare for Severus. The refusal was complete, brutal, and deadly honest. And Remus was fully aware that Severus was absolutely right: he had no clue how wolfsbane worked, and was also fairly certain that it was far too difficult for him. It wasn't for nothing that it was supposed to be one of the most complex potions that had ever been invented, and of course Remus was aware of that.

But he liked the acting so much.

Pretending to be very huffed he got to his feet.

"So this is your last word in this matter?"

Severus crossed his arms in front of his chest, all of his facial expression and body language clearly pointing out that if Remus wanted to go into his lab he'd have to climb over his dead cold body first.

"Absolutely. Do you think I spent all these years training as a potions master because it's so incredibly easy?"

Shrugging Remus shock his head, carefully arranging a certain sadness into his features.

"Well, then. You've made your decision, there's nothing I can do for you anymore. I made you an offer, but if it doesn't suit you - what can I do? Pity, really. But, well. Shovel your own grave."

Still shaking his head he made his way over to the door. Already standing in the door frame he turned around one last time, looking back into the room where Severus still stood, a picture of rejection and annoyance.

"Oh, and you got chalk literally everywhere. Especially on your face. Rather ridiculous, if you ask me."

Then he vanished through the heavy door frame as fast as he could. Behind him a silent spell threw the door close with as much force as possible, and the hinge vibrated with the sheer force.

Grinning and now whistling again Remus made his way back up the stairs. The first step of his plan was finished, and everything had gone exactly according to his plan. It was perfect. He'd give Severus a few days to get used to the thought, and then proceed with his plan, step by step, until at the very end the potions master would stumble into the delicate trap and he'd be Remus' very own prisoner.

It was brilliant.

Severus would just need to shower prior to that moment. The chalk in his hair really didn't look good on him.

Three days later the situation hadn't changed much. Remus had spent two of these hiding in the library, where the temperature was still bearable and the darkness of the room helped to ignore the burning sunshine outside. He had read his way through everything about wolfsbane that he knew existed and then done random research with a special focus on herbology. Slowly the gears of his mind began to operate more smoothly when it came to remembering everything he had learned in the seven years of Potions and Herbology in school, and things returned to his mind that he had thought he had forgotten long ago. He wouldn't quite take his NEWTs again, but for a random werewolf he wasn't too bad, at least in his own opinion.

On the evening of the third day in the library Remus' headache became unbearable. He had already woken up with a foggy head, feeling the pain crawling up on him. With skills practiced by years of breaking bones and torn muscles he ignored the pounding in his head and focused on the books. Outside the heat had become oppressive, the thunderstorm necessary to clean the air almost tangible, but not yet there. Everybody had been a bit under the weather, and not only Remus complained about headaches.

He quit early that night, returned to his rooms where a cooling spell kept the temperature low, and tried to read more there. But it was useless. By mid-evening his head seemed to explode, a constant pounding on his skull reminding him of the headache every few seconds. Reading wasn't an option anymore, but lying down only made the pain worse. He took a cool shower and some basic painkillers and tried to sleep.

Three hours later the castle was dark, but Remus headache had gotten even worse. Cursing underneath his breath he finally gave in, threw a lightweight summer robe over his pyjamas and made his way to the hospital wing. Poppy had stronger painkillers in stock than he did, and she would certainly know which one could help him best. If she was still awake, that was.

But Remus was lucky. Under the closed-door he saw her light, and she answered his careful knock quickly.

"Oh, it's you - I thought it could be - well. Good evening, Remus. What can I do for you? You look a bit under the weather. Headache? Well, yes, everybody seems to have one today."

Trying to smile besides his screaming brain Remus nodded and sat down on one of the beds.

"If that bloody thunderstorm would just come already. Do you have something that could help me, maybe some concentrated willow bark?"

She nodded, was gone for a few seconds and returned with a small vial. The clear liquid tasted of nothing in particular, and only per chance did Remus catch the neat writing on the bottom, indicating the to-be-used-before date in Severus' spidery handwriting. Against his will he smiled.

"Thank you. Hopefully this will be better soon. Why are you still awake, by the way? I wasn't sure if I'd even find you here."

Replacing the cork on the vial Poppy nodded, smiling.

"Don't worry. I was taking inventory of the stock, you see. We need to refill several potions soon, and Severus usually brews most of it during summer when he has free time."

For a short moment she seemed to be thinking about adding something else, but then she simply nodded once more and left to place the empty vial in a box on one of the shelves.

"Considering you just took a pretty decent dose of willow bark I'd like to keep you here tonight, if you don't mind. Take a bed in one of the two smaller rooms, everything is cooled down and should be comfortable."

Remus, who didn't really care where he slept as long as it was not too dirty and covered, agreed. Five minutes later he crawled under the clean and cool sheets in a spotlessly white bed, feeling the pounding pain slowly die away. A few more minutes and he was dead asleep.

When he rewoke he had completely lost his sense of orientation. Blinking he sat up, and needed two more minutes to realize where he was. The room was dark, with only the moon casting shadows on the floor. Nothing moved, but something had woken him. His headache was gone, as he noticed with relief.

Then he noticed the light in the other private room next door. Both rooms were connected via a door, and it was only slightly ajar, casting a single line of warm light into the room where Remus had slept until moments ago. But even though he felt better he was still tired, and turning in bed he pulled the blanket over his head and tried to fall asleep again.

But then he heard voices, and the already woken part of him insisted on listening carefully. And as much as he tried, once he had realised that someone was next door he couldn't block the conversation out again, although he really tried. He wanted to sleep! Damn sensitive hearing.

"..just don't get why you never come by yourself. What were you thinking, something like this doesn't heal by itself! You should know better, really. Sit down there, and take that damn robe off."

Poppy sounded tired, but agitated, and not at all happy.

"What happened? Yes I know you can't tell me, but - well. Albus, don't stand around uselessly, take the cloak. Thank you."

Remus heard steps, movement and the noise of someone searching through a box of vials.

"You had a visitor tonight, Poppy?"

Albus' voice was calm, but still didn't lack a sense of urgency.

"Yes, Remus is lying next door, but he's fast asleep."

More noises, mixed with the clank of vials.

"Fine, now let me see. Do you want a painkiller? Did you take anything already?"

More clanking of vials, and steps.

"Too much, don't give me more. It should be manageable."

Severus' voice, dark and utterly exhausted, almost lifeless. Remus closed his eyes, even though he already had his head buried in his blanket. He didn't want to know these things. Or did he?

"How much - what? Well. It will be painful, you know. Let me see."

Then nobody spoke for a moment, or it was that Remus had drifted off into sleep, as if Severus' tiredness had seeped from the dark voice straight into Remus' bones.

When he woke up the next time it was still dark. Remus' body was completely tangled into the sheets, the pillow somewhere on the ground. He must have had a nightmare, kicking and fighting an invisible enemy that in the end was only his starched bed sheet. Sighing he carefully removed the clinging fabric from his limbs and sat up to search for his pillow.

The light in the room next door was gone, but the door was now completely open

Two meters from his bed Remus spotted his poor pillow. Sighing again he stood up, padded a few meters across the cool stone floor and picked the pillow up. Straightening himself again he realized that with his now changed position he could see into the other room. There the same patterns of moonlight were on the ground, casting pale shadows, and giving the perfectly white bed sheets a ghostly glow.

One bed was occupied.

Instantly Remus felt more awake. His curiosity told him that he knew who was asleep there, but that checking wouldn't do anybody any harm. The door was open, in any case, and he'd only go and see from the door frame. It was fine, really.

Still keeping the pillow in both hands he padded over, now careful to not make any sound. It was a thing of five lightweight steps, nothing more, and he stood in the door frame. The other room was much smaller than his own, with only four beds, two on each side. Severus slept in the one closest to the door, probably so that Poppy could check up on him without crossing the whole room. Remus couldn't imagine that Severus had agreed voluntarily to stay in the hospital wing overnight, but Poppy had her ways and sleeping potions, and if she wanted someone to stay she would make sure they did.

Considering how dead the man looked she had probably given him a nice high dose, and knocked him out for good.

The moonlight didn't do him any favours. During the day his quick mimic easily glossed over the fact that his face seemed to be all sharp angles, skin drawn over a skull, with harsh wrinkles on his forehead. He looked much older then he actually was, something Remus had always known to be the punishment of their generation - same could be said for him, for Sirius, for all of them. Suffering never went past without leaving traces. But Severus looked positively as if he were dead already. His prominent nose seemed to be even more crooked than usual, and his eyes were set far too deep into his skull, rimmed with black rings.

In his sleep his face was familiar yet strange, frighteningly unguarded and unprotected from Remus' curiosity. On his left wrist the Dark Mark was shockingly visible against pale skin and white sheets.

On the second glance Remus saw what had been the reason for Severus' visit to the hospital wing. The white bandage around his right wrist at first blended into the sheets with perfection, and only became visible when Remus cast another glance over the sleeping man. It was a thick wrapping of gauze, including a sturdy splint, completely immobilizing the wrist for good.

It didn't look broken, but then Remus wasn't a mediwizard and knew nothing. Broken bones were painful, but could be healed quickly. Torn ligaments were worse, as these needed to heal naturally, without the added help of Skele-Gro that did nothing to mend muscles and tissue.

A potions master with a broken hand, torn ligaments or damaged range of motion was very much a useless thing, and Remus was aware of that. Ingredients needed to be handled carefully, chopped accurately, sometimes within millimeters. A good potions master could feel the quality of an ingredient on the first touch, knew about weight and density, controlled cauldrons and fire with wandless magic traveling through fingertips. He had felt the callouses on Severus' hand back in the opium den, seen the small cuts and rough patches of skin, but also how sensitive to touch his fingertips were.

And he knew the stories. How it was easy to destroy someone by taking the essence of his work from him. He recalled blinded painters, pianists with broken fingers, forced to paint in the dark, to play on bones and bleeding flesh. A single injury would end a career, and destroy a man's will.

Was that injury a mere accident, or more? A hint? A love letter from Voldemort? Or just a slight warning?

Remus felt a cold sensation creep up his spine. He recalled Severus' talk of the upcoming war, of the doom that was looming on the horizon, how they would need to fight to survive. If they wanted to survive, that was.

If the injury on Severus' wrist couldn't be fixed with potions and some magic, if he couldn't brew for the next weeks, who would do it? Someone needed to do the work to fill Poppy's shelves, and someone needed to make Remus' wolfsbane. He felt egoistic thinking about that, but it was true, and the moonlight painting shadows on the floor suddenly seemed to mock him.

Lost in thought he turned around and, still holding his pillow like a precious gem, returned to his bed. He replaced the pillow to its usual spot, climbed back into bed, pulled the covers up and closed his eyes.

But he couldn't get rid of the images. Broken bones, the moonlight, a castle in ruins painted into the smoke. And then, softly, his own voice telling him in his head that he actually shouldn't complain about this new development. That a broken wrist at the right time was exactly what his plan needed. That Voldemort could actually be something like his partner-in-crime. His stomach twisted with a sudden pang of guilt. He certainly hadn't wanted that, but how could he not, somehow, in a very perverted way, take advantage of it?

Life was cruel, and who was he to shy away from the dirt? Werewolves didn't care. He'd get want he wanted, that much was sure. After all one didn't make a omlette without breaking a few eggs. Or a potion master's wrist.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 3/9/2014

_Damocles Belby is said to have researched the Wolfsbane as first potions master in the history of alchemy. If anyone cares for herbology details: wolfsbane is actually the name of a plant, Aconitum, which can be used to produce a toxic extract that kills animals, and was used to kill wolves. Hence the name.  
_

Thanks for follow-ups and the magical first review! I appreciate it, very much so. (fanfiction writer = attention whore. Just sayin'..) I try to update weekly, by the way, depending on my real-life-situation.


	3. Let me change your mind

**Let me change your mind  
**

The next morning Remus felt as if he had been reborn. The headache was gone for good, and he almost jogged down the stairs to the Great Hall. Poppy had only examined him briefly and then send him to eat a good breakfast. The mediwitch looked tired, but when Remus carefully inquired about it she had simply smiled and shrugged. He wasn't to get any details, that much was for sure.

On his way down the stairs he met Albus Dumbledore. The headmaster had been away for the past days, attending Ministry meetings and seeing to his private business. It always astonished Remus that someone so closely connected to Hogwarts as Albus Dumbledore had something like private matters to arrange and tend to, but then almost everybody had. Still it felt good to know him back at Hogwarts. It seemed that even the castle was more at ease now. Remus hadn't seen him officially since his return, but of course he already knew that Albus had arrived sometime late last evening, just in time to catch Severus on what Remus thought was a return from The-Dark-Bastard. But of course he couldn't admit that.

"Albus, it's good to see you're back."

He tried his best to find a way around the necessary lie, and instead beamed brightly at the older man, taking in his appearance in a second glance.

The headmaster wore an appalling bright blue summer robe, made from what looked like almost liquid silk upon which water lilies seemed to float. Whenever one watched parts of the fabric too closely one could belive that there were even fish in there, just below the surface, waiting for a moment when nobody saw them to shortly peek above it. Remus tried his best not to stare, but when the head of a fat carp appeared on Albus' left shoulder for a second he couldn't stop himself. Albus simply smiled.

"Good morning, I am glad to see you this cheerful. Poppy told me you had a bad headache last night, but it seems you are feeling better now. Excellent. Would you care to accompany me? The houseleves set the breakfast table outside, in the orchard. Everybody agreed it would be nice to enjoy good food outside, in this kind of weather! I don't think we ever had such a beautiful summer. And there will be fresh waffles, apparently with cherries! What's not to like about that?"

Chatting away Albus linked his arm with Remus and guided him out of the Great Portal towards the orchard. And he was right: the summer day was splendid. The sky was bright blue, the oppressive heat was gone, and a fresh clean breeze was in the air. Even before they reached the table Remus' nose picked up on the scent of warm cherries and fresh waffles.

When the breakfast table came into their sight Remus saw that they weren't the first ones. Minerva already occupied a spot there, and Sirius sat on the other end of the table, reading the Daily Prophet while he was gobbling up waffle after waffle. But both soon noticed the newcomers.

"Albus, Remus! It's good to see you."

Upon seeing them Minerva almost jumped up from her chair and waved. She had returned from her vacation in Italy a few days ago, but her arrival at the castle had been perfectly timed with Albus leaving, and so they hadn't had the chance to meet yet. They greeted each other as if they had been apart for a decade at least. Kissing Albus three times on the cheek while he patted her shoulder Minerva smiled broadly. Sitting down Remus couldn't help but grin himself. He had learnt a long time ago that the usual stern Head of Gryffindor was actually rather affectionate, and she didn't bother to hide it during her days off.

"Minerva, my dear, welcome home. We missed you. Now, tell me, how was Rome? Are those old stones still where they are supposed to be? I haven't been there for at least thirty years."

Albus decided on a spot in the sunshine and sat down.

"Remus, you should have a waffle before Sirius devours them all. Rome was beautiful, Albus, so old and still vibrant. Of course we had such a heat wave, but we found a tiny gelateria in a little alley directly behind the Pantheon, and you see -"

These were the moments that Remus loved. The copious laid out table in front of him, holding delicacies from the garden and the creative kitchen, and behind that the glorious view on the castle. From their spot in the orchard he saw the slightly descending grounds, the lake being the lowest point of them, and then rising again the meadows leading up to the Forbidden Forest. All of this was bathing in the warm sunshine, the water of the lake glittering and the dark trees seemingly soaking up the rays. Above him the fruit trees of the orchard were whispering in the breeze, and the voices of his colleagues and friends were the most perfect background music to all of this. The warm and sweet scent of waffles and cherries mixed with that of coffee and tea was in his nose, and suddenly he knew that exactly this was how home was supposed to feel. But everything was fleeting, everything would be gone one day, presumably forever. He tried hard to memorize this scenario, exactly this moment, the second he was sitting there feeling warm and confident, and happy. He was home.

"Remus? Seriously, what happened to your brain? Coffee or tea? If you don't want a waffle I'll eat them up."

Sirius poked his shoulders, and Remus startled.

"Oh no, you won't."

Albus called the plate towards him with an outstretched hand. Two waffles ended up on his plate, and the remaining stack made its way back to Remus.

"Give Remus a chance, we can't have him starve."

The first waffle died underneath Albus knife.

"So, Santa Maria Maggiore, did you like the byzantine architectural elements - "

Remus grinned.

"See, some people now that sharing is caring."

Sirius shock his head and reached for the coffee pot.

"I don't care, I'm hungry. Can I have one more waffle?"

Breakfast went by quickly. The waffles were all gone and the coffee pot almost empty when the daily mail arrived. They heard the flapping wings of the owls a long time before they saw them. Albus' mail was always delivered straight to his office, so he got nothing and could take a moment to lean back and enjoy his cup of tea. Minerva received a broad collection of letters, Sirius as a letter from Ron, and Remus a postcard showing a rather old-looking bridge next to the glittering script saying "Rome".

"Oh, I never thought the mail would be that slow. This is Ponte Sant'Angelo, by the way."

But before Minerva could indulge them with a long discourse on the history of the roman bridge another bird landed on the back of one of the chairs. It was a majestic large hawk with strangely dark feathers and red eyes, an uncommon and rather uncongenial bird for delivering mail. It seemed to be looking for someone currently not at the table.

"May I?"

Very carefully Albus reached for the small role of parchment tied to the bird's foot. The hawk watched him disapprovingly, but didn't move. Albus turned the parchment and read the address.

"Ah, it's for Severus. I can forward it."

The hawk screeched, and Remus frowned. He didn't like the bird in the slightest. But Albus untied the roll and placed it on the table. Free from his burden the hawk shook its feathers, screeched once more, ignored the small treat Minerva held out and instead picked at her hand. Annoyed she drew it back, but the bird ignored her, and took off. Watching the disappearing messenger Minerva shock her head while rubbing her hand.

"Insolent bird."

Albus glanced at the parchment once more.

"Don't worry, my dear. The Malfoys never use friendly birds. It wouldn't suit Lucius' reputation."

And indeed the wax seal was dark green, with the two letters LM surrounded by ivy ranks. Sirius shock his head and mumbled an insult.

"Severus will be delighted. And here he comes."

Following Albus' gaze Remus spied a figure emerging from the Forbidden Forest and making way towards the orchard. A few minutes later it became clear that it was indeed Severus who had come out of the forest. Walking briskly he came up to the orchard, arriving only minutes later at the table.

"Good morning. Were you out looking for something in the forest?"

Albus cast a rather curious glance at the small leather bag dangling from Severus' shoulder.

"Obviously. Good morning."

Severus nodded once to greet everybody, and then sat down next to Minerva.

"Am I right in believing that you're informing Albus of the unchanged splendor of the eternal city?"

She smiled and, not without a bit of strenght, slapped his upper arm.

Listening to the repeated plethora of stories about old stones and pizza he took the cup of tea Albus gave him and absently minded sipped on it. He had probably heard all the stories before, and the one thing he wasn't very good at was hiding the moment when his mind wandered off. Remus took the chance to carefully examine his persona once more.

Now without a lab robe it was even more obvious that he had made concessions to the heat, wearing linen trousers and a wide cut white linen shirt. Only his boots were heavy and looked sturdy, apparently necessary for his forest excursion. But it was obvious that he was feeling the heat, and his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. Both of his wrists were covered now, the left one with the frayed piece of cloth, and right one with the bandage. His leather bag was carefully placed beneath the chair. He was listening attentively to Minerva's rambling, sometimes asking short questions that were half-italian and betrayed that apparently he had been in Rome before himself and had given Minerva plenty of insider-information on where to eat.

".. and that pasta place you recommended, shame on you, it was so good. I never knew you had such a good taste in restaurants. Tell me, how bad is it?"

Eying his wrist with a sad look she took a sip of juice. Severus needed a short moment to follow her train of thought.

"That? Well. Might take a few weeks, according to Poppy."

She carefully replaced her glass.

"Bone?"

He shock his head.

"Ligament rupture."

Shocked she threw a glance in Albus' direction, but all he could to was shrug slowly and shake his head. She didn't voice whatever was going through her head. But Sirius knew no such concerns.

"Did you fall off a tree?"

Severus hardly even tilted his head.

"Be happy it's not you, Black, dogs are usually shot when they break a leg. Watch your mouth."

With skilled calm Sirius opened his mouth to reply, but Albus cut into the exchange before it could become a proper war.

"Silence, both of you, old people need to eat in peace or they'll have stomach aches later on."

Trying not to grin broadly Remus saw how both opponents simultaneously rolled their eyes. Albus ignored both of them.

"Severus, eat. And here's a letter for you, delivered by a rather snappish hawk."

Taking the parchment Severus leant back and crossed his long legs.

"A snappish hawk? I thought my father was dead. Oh, Lucius, always a pleasure."

The acid dripping from his voice almost burnt a hole into the table-cloth. Breaking the seal he read the message, ignoring the curious glances from his neighbours. But soon everybody knew that nothing would happen further. Minerva and Albus picked their conversation up again and discussed the best place for pistachio ice-cream in Rome, and Sirius tried his best to ignore Severus and started to tell Remus something about Harry's last heroic deeds.

Remus only listened half-heartedly. The bigger part of him was watching Severus frown while reading the message, still sipping on his tea. Then he rather suddenly put the cup down, crumpled the parchment in his hands and got up. He waited a short moment until Albus looked up and took notice of his attempt to leave.

"I have things to attend to."

Albus nodded.

"Yes, I'll see you later. But promise me you won't vanish into your lab when the sun is this beautiful. You could need some sunshine, you know. And you can't work with that wrist anyway."

A short impression of anger rippled across Severus' face, but it was gone immediately.

"There is still enough work left."

He stood up, bend down again to pick up his leather bag, first using the injured hand and, cursing under his breath, his healthy left one. Slinging the bag over his shoulder he made movements to leave. But Minerva called him back.

"Wait a second, come here."

Uncertain what she wanted from him he stopped by her chair. She smiled up at him, and tapped her index finger twice on the thick bandage. Promptly it turned a dark grey, almost black hue. He couldn't help but smile and nod.

"Suits you better. White would look dirty and stained shortly, I know you."

He nodded once more and turned around.

"I guess it would've dawned on me soon, too. Thank you."

She waved him away.

"Please don't. You're a competent wizard, but please don't do transformation spells. You're really not good at those, you'd have turned the thing pink or into something furry and undead."

Severus' answer got lost in the laughter at the table, and he took the chance and hurried towards the castle.

As if someone suddenly had decided to make Remus' life as easy as possible Minerva decided to leave not long after Severus was gone. She promised Albus to drop off the lemon biscuits she had brought him back from Rome soon, and excused herself to finally go and unpack the remaining bags from her trip. Sirius followed her shortly, having promised Pomona Sprout to help her in the greenhouses that day.

Only Remus and Albus remained at the table, and the headmaster didn't seem to have anything to do at all. Refilling his teacup once more he cast a short glance at the front page of the Daily Prophet Sirius had left behind and then smiled at Remus.

"You wanted to talk to me, I think?"

Remus nearly choked on his tea. How did Albus know? Had it been written on Remus' forehead? Legilimency? Clearing his throat he nodded and put down his own teacup just to be sure.

"Yes, am I that obvious? Right. So, I've been thinking about the wolfsbane potion a lot recently, and done some minor reading. You know how dependent the security of the castle is onto the potion, and I wanted to know some more."

Trying to look as innocent as possible he quickly explained what had happened in the past days: how he had offered Severus his help and how the complete rejection had hurt him.

"And then, you see, I do not know how long I'll still be this close to Severus, and the thing that happened to his wrist now? No, I need to be more independent, and I feel that it is the perfect moment now. Severus might need some help, and in the summer we all have more time. He could train me as his assistant, maybe? And I gather that he has a rather large workload, maybe it would give him some more time to relax as well."

Placing the final piece of his trap with a broad smile Remus blinked twice, and leaned back. The ball was in Albus' court.

Not for long, though.

Smiling and patting Remus' hand Albus nodded.

"I absolutely understand your reasoning. And you are right in thinking that Severus could need some more time to relax, he's working far too hard and hardly ever takes a break. And this new injury is really rather unfortunate. I gather that you were talented when it comes to potions during your school days. Yes, I do like your idea. Let me see what I can do and speak with Severus. I'll try to catch him today."

And that was it. For a moment Remus felt dizzy with joy how easy it had been, and then suddenly suspected Albus' smile to have many more layers than he could currently anticipate. But Albus seemed innocent, chatted idly about this and that, and then left the table to take up his daily work again.

Could it really be that easy?

The same afternoon Remus sat at his usual spot by the lake, watching Sirius in the water. Pomona Sprout had asked him to take inventory of the current population of a very rate breed of marimo, tennis ball sized moss balls that lived in the shallower parts of the lake and were probably the cuddliest underwater plant Remus had ever seen. Sirius was diving down to count them, and every time he reappeared at the surface he shouted a number to Remus who kept a notebook and pencil and wrote it down.

"Forty-five!"

With a splash Sirius was gone again. Remus wrote the number underneath the long column in his notebook, and realized that he wasn't alone any longer when a shadow took away his light.

"Stand a little out of my sun, please. Thanks."

Finishing the number he looked up, expecting Pomona Sprout. Instead he stared straight into the not at all pleased face of Severus. He still wore the same ensemble from the morning, only now with an opened lab coat draped over his shoulders. In his left hand he carried a rather heavy book that he dropped into Remus' lap without warning.

"I do not know how you did it, but let me assure you that the only thing guaranteeing your physical integrity at this very moment is Albus Dumbledore. Consider yourself lucky. "

He was so angry he almost hissed. Remus very carefully kept his face neutral, although it was difficult not to smile.

"Tomorrow, at three in my personal lab. Read the first two chapters. I will not work with you if do not put effort in this, and I don't give a damn about what Albus says then."

Without any further comment he turned around and stalked away, every step a little earthquake. Remus was surprised he hadn't simply been hexed all the way to Brighton, but he also knew that Severus tended to obey Albus' wishes, even when they went against his own plans. Even when he so obviously didn't want to do something. At least he had made himself clear. Remus had almost felt the anger seething, like little invisible sparks flying through the air and burning his skin.

This was going to be very interesting.

Looking at the heavy volume in his lap for the first time he turned it around. The book was old and well used, a copy from the last decade judging by the design of the title. The writing on the faded and tainted green cover was in solid black letters: "Alchemy: Basic Principles. With Introductions to Herbology and Alchemical Arithmetic" by someone name Melchior Cibinensis.

Curious he opened it somewhere in the middle. The book had been well used, and there was a stain on almost every page. Sticky notes and slips of paper were everywhere, and sometimes Remus even managed to decipher the spidery and almost illegible handwriting. The first page was covered with stamps from a library. "Rahzes Library, St. Aurelius - College for Alchemy and Arithmetic, Oxford" it read, and then a stamp directly underneath "Surrendered to final user". He didn't need to look much further, but the small piece of paper pasted right underneath caught his eye. It showed something akin to an heraldic image, a tree with a single apple and a snake crawling up the trunk. Underneath gothic script read "Noli me tangere", and Remus wished he could read latin once more. The fine print "Snape" wasn't necessary for him to know that what he held in his hands was probably a book Severus had kept from his own days at university.

That was a lot of new information and developments in the span of very few minutes, and Remus was so lost in thought that he only heard Sirius yelling when the water he splashed into Remus' direction reached him.

"Remus? Thirteen, damn it, for the tenth time!"

Looking up Remus grinned, nodded and wrote the number down.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 7.9.2014


	4. Barking up the wrong tree

**Barking up the wrong tree**

The next afternoon Remus stood at precisely five minutes to three o'clock in front of the heavy wooden door behind which he knew Severus private laboratory to be. He had never been inside the rooms in the rather out-of-the way Serpens Tower. Of course he knew the students laboratories in the dungeons where the walls were heavy enough to withstand the occasional exploding cauldron and a permanent cool kept the room temperature bearable even with ten fires burning beneath the cauldrons, but Severus private laboratories were decidedly off limits. And currently probably less comfortable.

Serpens Tower didn't have the benefit of coolness the dungeons had. The summer heat had crawled into the tower easily, and it was just as hot there as in any other part of the castle. For a brief moment Remus wondered why the couldn't use the students laboratories, but on the other hand he would have felt like a thirteen-year-old student again, and he wasn't sure whether that would be an advantage.

But then he had done his homework. Only hours after Severus had thrown the book into his lap he had settled down at his desk, opened up a fresh notebook, and worked his way through the first two chapters as he had been ordered to do. It wasn't an easy or pleasant read, but at least Mr. Cibinensis had a knack for explaining things in a way that Remus understood them easily. He had read and taken notes until night fell, and continued the next morning without fail. Now his notebook was covered with remarks about safety procedures, basic information on cauldrons sizes, materials and tools, temperature recommendations and carefully drawn diagrams. He wasn't a master yet, but he had done his job well.

Now Severus had to do his.

But it wasn't three yet, and Remus waited patiently. In his mind he saw the bubbling cauldron over a carefully controlled flame, saw himself slowly but steadily mastering the art, the first werewolf ever to brew -

But his train of thoughts was brutally interrupted by the opening door.

"Why aren't you simply knocking?"

Severus leaned in the door frame, dressed as it seemed to be his habit during his time off in a tattered lab robe, underneath thin black linen trousers and the same sturdy boots. He didn't wait for an answer, shook his head disapprovingly, and moved back into the room.

Remus gulped down a reply and followed him suit.

He had never been in any kind of laboratory after his time in Hogwarts had been over, and the student laboratories didn't quite make the cut for being proper ones. But now the room in front of Remus decidedly was a proper laboratory, although it didn't look the way Remus had imagined it.

It was mostly empty. There weren't the rows of stacked vials and bottles, cylinders and cauldrons he had expected. Not a single dead animal in thick liquid was in sight, no cobwebs, no mysterious bookshelf. Instead it was a large room, with empty white walls and a single door leading into what probably was a storage room. Large windows gave way to a beautiful view over the grounds, sunlight brightening the room and providing natural light to work in.

There were two large work tables, both covered with various utensils used for potion making. A third one was pushed against as wall and served as a makeshift desk, holding a stack of notebooks in various degrees of use from almost new to badly damaged. The few books lying on the desk seemed to be in much better condition, and pencils were everywhere, indicating that someone had the habit of misplacing them frequently. There was a single large bookcase on the wall behind the makeshift-desk, filled half with labeled vials and half with books. Between the leather-bound magical books Remus spied a fair amount of books coming from Muggle publishers, and a rough glance revealed them to deal mostly with subjects like Chemistry and Pharmacy. He was surprised, but there was no time to think about that further.

Without extending a greeting or any kind of introduction Severus pointed towards one of the two working tables.

"Do not touch anything. This is your table, and I want you far away from everything else you see in this room. Almost everything here is volatile or toxic, and if you poison yourself I will not hear the end of it from Albus. Clear?"

Remus nodded, trying to smile. If everything in this room was highly volatile or toxic same could be said for its owner, who most of the time ticked both boxes easily.

"Good. Do you have a lab coat?"

A lab coat? He was a teacher, not a mad scientist.

"No, of course not."

Already visibly annoyed Severus sighed. Then he turned around, crossed the room and for a short moment vanished through the door in the back. On his return he carried two vials that he deposited on his own work table while he passed it, and a new lab coat.

"Shorten it so it fits you, but do it later. Albus helpfully pointed out that you're expected to attend dinner tonight, so there isn't much time. Did you read the book?"

Trying to listen and nod at the same time Remus placed the lab coat on a chair he found near his own work table. If Severus owned actual new clean lab coats, why did he wear the old ratty one? But once more Remus didn't really have time to follow this trail of thought further.

"Yes, of course. It was very interesting, I took notes. Though I have to mention that your book is in an appalling condition, really. Two pages fell out, there's nothing I could do."

He suspected a temper tantrum, but Severus merely shrugged.

"It has done its duty, and loose pages can be fixed again. The copy is old, as you probably already realized. I couldn't give you the newer one, I use it for reference."

With a few steps he moved towards the work table prepared for Remus, who followed and for the first time took inventory of what was on that table.

And it was a disappointing to see that there wasn't much. Where was his cauldron? Fire place? Spoons? All he saw was a wooden board for cutting, a rather impressive knife, an empty bowl and another one filled with yellow coloured tubers.

"As I said, this table is yours. I will need it again once this is finally over, so don't blow it up. Or anything here. When was the last time you had anything to do with potions?"

Remus placed himself behind the table, looked at the wooden board and tried to remember the exact date.

"School, I guess. Ah, no, I made a cough potion two years ago. Worked nicely, if you ask me. Nobody died."

For a short moment Severus looked tired, but he rearranged his face quickly and nodded curtly.

"So we have to start from the very beginning."

He took a position opposite of Remus, crossed his arms in front of his chest and needed only three sentences before his voice slipped with practiced ease into teaching-mode. Remus tried his best not to grin and listened carefully.

"Well. You know the very basics of potion making: What kind of ingredients you will need, where you can find them, when the best time for harvest is, when to add them into a cauldron, and how to stir. That's what you learn in school. But it's only the very bottom of everything. What school does not teach are the really important elements of Alchemy: how ingredients are cut, what moonphase is good for selecting herbs, how a potions smells during stages of the heating process, which cauldron material transports magic best, and most importantly how magic is added to the process and which dosage is needed. The last point is crucial, as the added magic makes or breaks the potions' potency."

He gestured to the bookcase behind his shoulders.

"Most of these things are written down somewhere, you can find them and learn them that way. That is the easy part. But something else is much more important, and that is the controlled addition of magic during the brewing process. In school you learn that a potion is potent because the ingredients are powerful. That isn't false, but it isn't true at the same time. Basic potions do indeed work that way, and school teaching never goes beyond that, so it does make sense to let students belive it. But potent potions need magic, and in that way they depend on the master making them just as much as on their ingredients. Every potions retains a small amount of the magic from the person who made it, and by that you can trace a potion back to its master rather easily."

That was a lot of information in a short span of time, and somehow Remus felt as if he was supposed to take notes.

"You can trace a potion back to its maker? How does that work?"

Apparently that was a good question.

"There's a varying degree of smoke colour, for example."

He turned around, walked over to his own work table and picked up the two vials he had brought in from the storage room earlier. On his way back he also took a small wooden frame with two clean test-tubes. Uncorking the vials he let a few drops of each potion drip into a fresh test-tube. Then he snapped his fingers, and the small green flame Remus already knew appeared above his thumb.

One after another he held both test tubes into the green flame, each for a few seconds only, and returned them into the small wooden frame. Seconds later thin smoke started to rise. And indeed the smoke differed: although from both tubes black smoke was rising one contained beautiful golden shimmer while the other was laced with dark green streaks.

Fascinated Remus stared, double checking the both vials indeed contained the same purple potion.

"Dreamless Sleep Potion. As you can see both have been made by a different master. The golden smoke indicates that the potion is from Basilius Valentinus, the green smoke means that I made it."

As the potion cooled down the smoke died away.

"But the smoke itself was black, in both tubes. Is it always black?"

Severus shook his head and replaced the cork on the vials, collecting everything and returning the vials on his own work table. The test tubes went straight towards the sink.

"No. Only the smoke colour during the brewing process is inherent with the potion itself, later on it always indicates the maker. In this case both vials emit black smoke because Basilius Valentinus was my own master. Some tend to be far more creative. Hermes Trismegistos, for example, was a rather eccentric person and always had red smoke. One of his apprentices was a witch with a dry sense of humour, and her potions added blinking pink glitter into the red smoke, a rather ghastly yet unique combination."

While speaking Severus carefully disposed the few remaining drops of the potions, washed the test tubes vigorously and placed the on the sink to dry out. Then he returned to Remus.

"I will not waste time explaining fundamental principles of Alchemy to you. Read the book and ask questions as we proceed, there is no time for anything else. For whatever reason you have decided to brew wolfsbane, if you want to do it you need to be able to perform the actual task without errors. You will not receive the full recipe until later on, you wouldn't understand it now anyways. We have to start somewhere else."

Remus nodded. What Severus said made sense, of course, and it even seemed as if there was a plan Remus couldn't yet fully see.

"I'm fine with that. Where do we start?"

He felt the equivalent feeling of rolling up one's sleeves, just that he was wearing a faded T-shirt sporting the emblem of a Muggle Airline on the chest, an old freebie he had felt was perfect for the possibly stain-inducing task of brewing.

Severus seemed surprised at the sudden outburst of positivity.

"One always starts at the beginning."

He pointed to the wooden cutting board in front of them.

"This is a cutting board, rather obviously, made from ash wood. Ash is a fine wood, reacting to almost nothing, and thus is perfectly suited for a potion as sensitive as wolfsbane. The basic rules, learn them: no silver, no sugar, no blood, no essential oils. Did you understand that?"

As if Remus would ever handle a silver knife, really. But he nodded duly.

"Good. Wash your hands."

Swallowing whatever retort was on his tongue Remus obeyed. Back at the working table Severus pointed towards the rather impressive knife.

"One knife will do for today. Be careful, it is in a good condition and sharp. Use the lower part to peel, the full blade to cut."

Remus took the knife. It was heavy and well-balanced in his hand, obviously well-used and cared for. He pointed towards the bowl with the collection of tubers.

"And these are?"

Now Severus didn't even attempt to hide his grin.

"Aconitum tubers. One of the basic ingredients for wolfsbane, rather rare and difficult to find. Look them up tonight and memorize the information."

Listening carefully Remus eyed the tubers and decided to take one. To his surprise Severus didn't object, but instead gestured at the bowl for Remus to continue whatever he had planned. Picking up a medium-sized tuber Remus carefully weighted it in his hands. It felt very familiar in texture, weight and smell. Pausing he brought it closer to his face and sniffed. Then he grimaced.

"That's a potato, you git."

For a second he thought Severus would break out into full laughter. But in the very last minute he controlled himself and allowed only a broad, rather mischievous grin to appear on his face.

"Of course it is. Aconitum tubers are a pain in the ass to find, I spent the past two nights in the Forbidden Forest digging them up. And all that to let you muck them up with your untrained knife work? No. Potatoes have very similar properties, and you will learn everything you need by using them. Every hour one of the houseelves will come by and pick them up. I do belive there will be fried potatoes for dinner."

It was obvious that Severus really enjoyed this a bit too much. For a short second Remus wondered whether he would get the first word of a hex out, but chances were high that he'd be dead before he could even draw his wand. Biting his tongue he shook his head.

"You have a strange kind of humor, really."

Severus, still grinning, only crossed his arms in front of his chest again.

"General opinion says I don't have any. And now work."

Growling something rather unpleasant Remus took the first potato, weighed the knife again and as precisely as possible started to peel it. The last time someone had watched him peel a potato like a hawk had been when he was about five years old and learned how to handle a rather blunt little knife, and it had been his mother worrying for his fingers. Severus seemed to worry about something entirely different.

"Next time make sure you're more careful and don't lose to much flesh. Cutting techniques for Aconitum are easy, but I have to demonstrate you how it works."

Without commentary Remus handed knife and tuber over to Severus and moved to the side. With trained movements the potato was placed on the cutting board and Severus explained what he did while doing it.

"You keep the tuber to the cutting board with the right hand, balancing the knife with the left. One longitudinal cut" - the tuber fell apart - "and then cutting small slices off the two parts. You want them to be as thin as possible, as the tuber is supposed to dissolve later on in the potion."

With precise and fluid cuts the tuber fell apart. Remus watched carefully, registering the method, but also how Severus had obvious troubles with his injured wrist. But neither of them mentioned it. The first tuber went into the prepared bowl, and Remus took the knife back.

"Knives are traditionally handled with the left hand, by the way, but you can use your right. It's not like you will ever take an examination by the guild."

Remus changed the knife from his right to his left hand.

"I'm right handed, but I want to learn the proper way."

He wasn't sure, but it seemed as if there was a hint of appreciation in Severus' raised eyebrow. Quickly Remus peeled the next tuber. Placing it down on the cutting board he made the longitudinal cut, and the tried to chop the slices as thin as Severus had done. It didn't quite work out, though. And he was much slower.

"Wait. First, don't hurry. Cutting techniques take a long time to learn, it is about muscle memory. Cut slow, but don't use brute force. This knife is very sharp, you don't need strength from the wrist. It might also injure your hand. Use a rocking movement."

Remus tried again, but he didn't quite understand what Severus meant. He heard Severus sigh, and looked up.

"I thought it wouldn't work just by explaining, it hardly ever does. Let me explain it to you once more." He took two steps closer, and was suddenly very much in Remus' private space. Remus didn't move, needing a few seconds to understand what was happening.

"Listen. Alchemy is a rather physical science. Specific motions have to be felt to be understood correctly, muscle memory doesn't build itself from watching someone doing it. Can you cope with things like that?"

While Remus' brain was still computing what Severus really meant his head already nodded, and Severus, seemingly giving in to his fate, sighed again.

"Fine."

And without further ceremony he took a step directly behind Remus, placing both hands on Remus' hands holding knife and tuber, and like that being able to carefully guide him showed the cutting technique once more.

That might have been a good method for teaching specific movements, but Remus' mind was certainly somewhere different. Although Severus was hardly touching him the physical closeness was slightly overwhelming. Remus' nose easily picked up on the scent of wood and Earl Gray again, and his memory added opium, smoke and that velvet in Severus' voice. It didn't help that he could hear Severus' now very matter-of-fact voice far too close to his ear, and feel bony shoulders next to his own. Severus had the perfect height for that particular way of guiding movement, tall enough so he could easily look at the cutting board over Remus.

"Hold the tuber like this, and rock the knife back and forward without strength. Remember that movement."

Remus nodded, praying to whatever saint was the right one in his current situation that his ears wouldn't turn warm. Or that Severus would notice something else. Carefully controlling his breathing he tried to fix mind and gaze on the tuber and ignore the fact that Severus had awfully long fingers, and that they wrapped perfectly around his own. Even with the scratching bandage and ignoring the fact that his skin was strangely cold.

The tuber fell apart and Remus tried to smile.

Then Severus was gone and moved quickly around the table again so they were facing each other once more over the cutting board. Automatically Remus reached for the next tuber. He started to peel it again, somehow still feeling the touch of Severus' hands on his own. This was far more confusing than it was supposed to be. Severus saw his face, but to Remus' luck he interpreted it in a quite different way.

"I can reassure you that I'm not particular fond of physical closeness either. But the traditional teaching of Alchemy has always depended heavily on it, and I would venture the guess that it cannot be taught any other way. Because of this it is difficult to teach it in official institutions beyond a certain level. A traditional apprenticeship between a master and an apprentice is based on trust and a certain sense of intimacy. Physical proximity is a part of it and can hardly be avoided. I understand that you are not pleased, but right now I don't see a way around it. And you can trust me when I say that I've been looking for one."

His whole body language made that crystal clear. Remus needed a moment to find the best answer. For a second he contemplated telling Severus that he absolutely didn't mind physical interaction, although he'd prefer other places then a lab for that. Instead he just tried to smile reassuringly.

"No, I don't mind. I just wasn't aware of it. It's fine with me."

Severus wasn't completely convinced, but he just shrugged.

"If you say so. Then get to work. There are many potatoes in that bowl."

With that he turned around and wandered over to his makeshift desk where he sat down and pulled some books towards him. Completely ignoring Remus he picked up a pencil, and focused on a text. Watching him for a short moment Remus realized that he was left-handed - the pencil was dangerously balanced between his index and middle finger of the left hand.

Then he forced his concentration back on the bowl with potatoes.

Cutting and peeling, cutting and peeling - he soon found a routine. Working slowly at first he quickly realized how he had to handle the knife and tuber best, and his work gained momenutum. But the mountain of potatoes in the first bowl didn't shrink, and the other bowl didn't seem to get any fuller. The silence in the room helped him sinking deep into concentration. The only noises were the chopping sound of the knife on the wood, the soft fall of the peel and sometimes the sound of pages being turned or Severus' pencil scratching on paper.

Both men were deeply lost in their concentration and startled when a houseelf appeared in the lab with a soft "plopp". Severus' pencil dropped to the ground and rolled underneath the table.

The little creature took the bowl and looked at its content.

"Very good, Professor Lupin, very good potatoes!"

The creature's enthusiasm was real, but then it was gone as quickly as it has appeared.

"Very good!"

Remus enjoyed the praise, even if it came from a houseelf who cared for kitchen-style cut potatoes and not for potion-ready tubers. Severus looked up from his quest for the fugitive pencil.

"Take care that you keep your back straight while working. Shoulders down, otherwise you'll suffer severe back pain tonight."

Finally seeing his pencil he got up to pick it up from the ground. It was the first time Remus had seen him actually crouching down to collect something from the ground. The next tuber already in hand he couldn't help but comment.

"No magic?"

Straightening himself upright again with his pencil Severus shook his head.

"No unnecessary magic in the lab. Magical concentrations need to be kept low to ensure that every potion is only subjected to a precisely measured amount of it. Wolfsbane in particular. Thought you wouldn't need to learn that particular rule, granted you don't use wandless magic."

For a second Remus wondered if that was an insult, but Severus only returned to his desk and settled down to concentrate on his work again. Deciding to stay silent Remus did the same.

Time went by quickly. Remus fell back into his meditative state of mind quickly, letting his hands do the work while his mind was free to idle. He didn't know where the time had gone, but suddenly the sun was low and the enthusiastic houseelf had been back to collect the full bowl of cut potatoes three times. And then the bowl was empty and all the potatoes gone.

Remus felt his hands ache, realizing how tired his wrists really were and put the knife down. For the first time in about an hour he looked up from the wooden board.

Severus hadn't noticed anything. He was submerged in a stream of thought Remus couldn't even guess, eyes fixed to a page in his notebook. His face wore the same expression it had shown down in the dungeons when Remus had watched him calculate. The pencil still in his left hand he had put the fingertips of his right index finger to his lips. The cloud of concentration around him was almost tangible. Until Remus coughed, that was.

Startling Severus dropped the pencil again. This time it only fell onto the table, and he looked up.

"You are done?"

Remus nodded and showed the empty bowl. Severus pulled a small silver pocket watch from wherever he had kept it in his ratty lab robe. Checking the time and snapping it shut again he nodded.

"In time for dinner. I think the potatoes might be already fried."

Against his will Remus smiled.

"I'll leave then?"

Severus snorted and stood up.

"You won't. Who works has to clean, golden rule. And no magic, if you remember."

He was supposed to do what? Washing up? But there were spells for that, very efficient ones, and -

But Severus facial expression told Remus that he wouldn't be using any spell anytime soon. At least not in that lab. Giving in to his fate Remus carried the knife and cutting board to the sink. Severus in the meantime picked up a large brown glass bottle from the shelf.

"Use that instead of water."

The liquid was clear, softer then water, and felt strange. Carefully Remus sniffed his wet fingertips, a habit Sirius found disgusting but Severus strangely seemed to agree with.

"What is that? It doesn't smell like anything."

Severus nodded. "Because it has no smell. It's called Nihilio, a completely neutral liquid. Doesn't leave any traces, but cleans everything from equipment - fibers, particles, everything. A potion is easily spoiled by remains from other works, and Nihilio helps to prevent that. Even if we used spells in the lab it wouldn't work that well. Remember, Alchemy is a manual craft. Has always been, will always be."

Finally everything was clean, dry and stored where it belonged. For a short moment Remus still lingered, but then he picked the new lab coat up and walked over to the door. Severus had settled down at his desk once more.

"I'll see you at dinner, then?"

Looking up again Severus twirled the pencil between his fingertips.

"Probably not. Tomorrow, same time."

And Remus was dismissed.

Not an hour later he joined the other residing inhabitants of the castle at the table in the orchard. Hogwart's population seemed to shrink every day. It was the height of summer and most members of faculty were gone for vacation now. Only Minerva McGonagall, Pomona Sprout, Poppy Pomfrey and of course Albus Dumbledore remained. Sirius was gone to sniff out Privet Drive, quite literally, and Hagrid was looking for dragons somewhere in Norway. He had invited Remus to come along, but had quickly accepted Remus' polite refusal. The table seemed strangely big for so small a party, even more so since Severus' chair remained empty and Pomona was still in the greenhouses, though she had promised to join them later on.

So it was Remus who told the story of his first potions lesson in years, and coaxing laughter from his listeners described how difficult it was to cut potatoes just right. Albus in particular seemed to enjoy hearing all about Severus' teaching methods.

"Yes, he's right. To you it might seem strange, but a good potions master needs to know the basic principles by heart. And cutting techniques are so important! These days they are often neglected. But Severus had a good master in Basilius, he still learned them the old-fashioned proper way."

Poppy looked up from her salad.

"Basilius? Basilius Valentinus? Really?"

Albus nodded and Poppy was visibly impressed.

"I never knew Valentinus taught our Severus. That explains a lot, of course."

Remus and Minerva exchanged a glance and shrugged simultaneously. Albus explained willingly.

"Basilius Valentinus was one of the "Wise Five", a group of five incredibly old potions masters, legendary even while they were alive. Nicholas Famel was one of them, too. But while Nicholas was loved wide and far Basilius was, well, brilliant and very difficult. He hated taking apprentices, and tortured every single one he took on. Rumour had it he had only four in his whole life, Severus being the last one. He claimed to only ever take an apprentice in when they could match his intellect, quite a feat if you ask me."

Poppy nodded fiercely.

"He was specialized on healing potions and invented many of them. I read many of his works while training at St. Mungo's. How did Severus get him to take him on? And wasn't he far too young?"

Albus didn't try to hide his grin.

"Oh yes, he was very young. Rumour has it that they dueled, and Severus won. Nobody knows for sure, though. They were the perfect pair, precise, highly skilled, and with quite a temper. They had the most impressive shouting matches, even in public, throwing obscenities at each other in four languages simultaneously. Basilius loved to cuss his apprentices out in an old byzantine dialect, but Severus has the dirtiest latin I've heard, it was quite entertaining. They were always good for a scene. But when they actually worked together it was delightful to see and their combined efforts provided many spectacular results. When Basilius was killed Severus was devastated."

Minerva put down her wine glass.

"He was killed? How did that happen?"

The smile from Albus' face vanished.

"Well. It's not really official knowledge, you see. I guess I'm not supposed to tell you. But, well. Basilius was one of Tom Riddle's first victims. Nobody knows why, there were no traces left. They blew up his whole house, all that was left was a gleaming skull in the night sky. Happened only weeks after Severus had taken the master examination and moved out, most curious thing."

The relaxed atmosphere seemed to tense up. Pensively Poppy sipped on her wine.

"Did they interrogate him?"

Albus sighed.

"What do you think? Of course. Severus was the prime suspect, but he had good alibis, me being one of them. They declared him innocent soon. He doesn't speak of it. But he took it hard. I remember seeing Severus at his own father's funeral and he didn't bat an eye. But when Tom Riddle came for Basilius - I guess he never forgave Tom for that. But that's the past, and let's not dwell on these things. Remus, I hope you'll provide us with more wonderful dinner ingredients soon!"

Everybody smiled, and raising they wine glasses they toasted to that. The dark cloud of the past vanished as quickly as it had come.

Their happy conversation soon resumed, and enjoying the dinner and wine time went by quickly. The sun was already gone, and it was almost completely dark when Pomona Sprout appeared at the table. The large candles created a sphere of light around them, flickering in the dark.

Pomona was greeted enthusiastically, pulled her chair out and reached for the salad bowl while Minerva filled her wine glass with deep red burgundy.

"Forgive me for being late, I have so much work. Everything seems to grow so quickly in summer, it's insane. And then it's suddenly brown and dead, one has to watch the greenhouses like a hawk."

Chatting she picked up her fork and started to eat.

"By the way, do we know who's leaving the cigarette buds lying around by the Great Portal?"

She stopped, chewing on a carrot and threw a glance around the table.

"Well, I was just wondering. Does anyone here smoke?"

Remus had a faint idea, remembering a cigarette glowing in the dark, balanced between pale long fingers. Minerva shrugged. "Sirius Black does, right? But he hasn't been around the past days."

Albus shook his head disapprovingly.

"I don't think anyone here - well, maybe - Remus, do you have any idea?"

Surprised Remus shook his head and swallowed the olive he had chewed.

"No. I certainly don't smoke. And I haven't seen Sirius with a cigarette in ages."

To buy himself time he picked his own glass up, sipping on the velvety wine.

"I never meant to imply that it was you, Remus. It rather seems that Severus has picked up one of his bad habits again."

He wrinkled his nose, visibly not enjoying the idea.

"Severus is a smoker? Seriously?"

Minerva was surprised, shaking her head.

"And have you heard, they say he's a Death Eater."

The comment came as a soft whisper out of the darkness surrounding the table, smooth silk sliding down Remus' senses, tempting and dangerous. Then Severus appeared in the candlelight, standing directly behind Albus' chair. Nonchalantly he leaned down on Albus shoulders with his elbows, his wrists and long hands dangling leisurely, the right wrist covered with the already worn bandage, between the fingers of his left hands a fresh cigarette. Directly above his wrist, illuminated by the candle light were black lines burnt into pale skin - the Dark Mark, ugly and very visible.

"Dramatic entrances have always been your thing, haven't they?"

Albus didn't seem surprised at all, and the sudden proximity to his personal spy didn't bother him. With a rather fatherly disapproving facial expression he took the cigarette from Severus' long fingers and it vanished in his hands.

"Old habits die hard."

Albus shook his head slightly, and it seemed to Remus as if he was examining the Dark Mark on Severus' wrist. Then he carefully took both of Severus' hands and pushed him away. For a short second Remus thought he had seen Albus' thumb pressing against the dark lines in Severus' skin and how the spy flinched at the touch. But he could be wrong, it could have been the candlelight. The flickering of the burning candles was unsteady, treacherous.

Sliding into his chair Severus called the wine bottle to him and poured himself a glass of wine. Leaning back he concentrated on the fully bodied wine for a second.

"How do we come to enjoy the pleasure of your company? I see you do have plans?"

Minerva's question focused the whole table's attention on Severus even more. But he didn't seem to mind, simply continuing to sip his wine. It gave them all enough time to stare him down. He had changed since Remus had seen him last in the lab, and it was hard to miss that he wore mugglestyle clothing. Dark denim and a black shirt, made out of what seemed to be very fine lightweight cotton, black, with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and two buttons opened casually. And if there was one thing that could distract Remus from his thoughts it was a well-fitting pair of jeans on good legs. Damn.

"Indeed, I'll be gone in a few minutes."

Albus took the chance.

"So while you're gracing us with your presence - why did you start smoking again?"

Severus rolled his eyes and leaned back even further in his chair, with a pose equivalent to an annoyed slouching teenager. Remus tried not to stare. Or grin.

"And you need to know that why?"

Albus clicked his tongue.

"You know exactly why. Basilius would smack some sense into you. A master doesn't smoke."

Grinning into his wine glass Severus shook his head.

"He wouldn't smack sense into me, as you put it, he would kill me, skin me and then use the hide for a dark spell or two. Lucky for me he resides in his private part of hell, and he'll have to wait with that until I can join him there. Anything else?"

But Albus wasn't done.

"Don't be smart, you know what I mean. You know exactly what cigarettes do to your sense of smell, and you also know - but why am I telling you that, you should know better."

Now it was obvious that Severus didn't approve of Albus' intervention into his private matters. Frowning he put down his almost empty wine glass. The remaining occupants of the table watched the exchange, and Remus was fascinated by the sudden dynamic he had never been aware of before.

"I do know that, thank you for the reminder. I will contemplate it on my way. Apologies for interrupting your dinner conversation."

With that rather recalcitrant remark Severus got up, pushed his chair back, nodded at nobody in particular and left the table. Within seconds he was out of the space lit by the candlelight, and vanished in the darkness. Albus tried visibly not to yell, but his voice was stern and carried far nevertheless.

"Where are you going?"

A few steps beyond the table a tiny green flame flickered, and seconds later the red dot of a cigarette glowed in the dark, disappearing into the distance quickly.

"Off to drink, smoke, pillage and plunder!"

Severus sounded as if he was inches away from a temper tantrum, but then the red dot vanished in the distance and he was gone.

Albus wasn't amused, but Minerva smiled and patted his hand.

"I know you don't want to hear it, but he's actually an adult and can do whatever he wants."

Sighing Albus reassembled his features into his eternal smile.

"Yes, I do know. But I guess I will never not worry about Severus. You see, it comes natural."

Still smiling Minerva nodded.

"I know, Albus, I know. We all worry. It's our job, I think."

The conversation quickly returned to its former ease, but Remus listened only with half an ear. He hadn't been aware of the strange dynamic between Albus and Severus, who never spoke in public or interacted in any other way during the term. Everybody knew that Albus trusted his spy, and the same was true the other way around. But even during order meetings they kept their distance. It was strange to suddenly see that they seemed to share a connection that enabled them to banter and bicker with practiced ease and just the right amount of annoyance any good relationship needed.

Picking up his wine glass and handing it over to Poppy for a refill Remus smiled. His shoulders were a bit sore and his wrists reminded him of all the chopping he had done that day, but all together he was quite impressed with todays' developments. Things were going to be exciting, that was for sure. Especially if Severus would wear that particular pair of jeans again.

Raising his glass Remus clinked it against Poppy's, and smiled.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 10/9/2014 (cleaned 8/9/2015)


	5. Lately I've been losing sleep

**Lately I've been losing sleep**

Remus dreams went far beyond their usual slightly insane spectrum these nights. He blamed the heat and the wine for it, turning his mind upside-down and connecting things that weren't supposed to go together.

In his dreams he wandered through spaces he had inhabited years, even decades ago. Scenes from his current life and from his past days melted together effortlessly. His parents' house sitting in a seedy London area, his school robes suddenly being covered in green slime, black smoke rising from a chimney with sparkling green particle inside. Then he suddenly was in a shady muggle club in London he had frequented a long time ago as a reluctant regular, coming to drink, dance, forget and sometimes get a quick blowjob in the men's room or take a not-very-ladylike lady home. He wasn't proud of it, but what could he do? He was young and broke, poor, and the wolf was hungry.

Weaving his way through the crowds he marveled how everything still looked the same. Music from the last decade was blasting through the speakers, and as Remus made his way to the bar here and there a hand touched him, measuring him up - a hand with painted red nails on his shoulders, a rough hand giving his bum a solid smack. He needed alcohol, for sure, and then it could be a fine night. Sweat was already pooling on his forehead.

He made it to the bar in one piece, finding a small free spot and wrenching himself in. His drink, with not enough vodka for his taste, arrived quickly. Leaning back against the bar he scanned the room, searching for an opening, a song, an opportunity. Then he looked to his right, and suddenly there was more space and a bar stool, and perched on top of it was Severus. Much younger than now but older then he had been during their school days, with less lines on his face and long open black hair all the way down to his shoulders. He wore the insanely tight jeans their generation had wanted, and a black t-shirt ripped at the collar, revealing just enough pale skin and collarbone to make Remus nervous. He balanced a glass in one hand and a cigarette in the other, looking for all the world as if he belonged there.

"What are you doing here?"

Even in his dream Remus was surprised. Severus smiled, dangerously, and sucked on his cigarette. His voices melted effortlessly into the music. It sounded younger, but there was still that edge, the slight amusement telling the world that nothing could touch him.

"What are your fucking eyes for if you can't even see things?"

So Remus used his eyes. He couldn't help but follow the cigarette from his downwards, dangling between the fingers as if it was glued to the skin and would never fall. Remus hadn't arrived back at Severus' face when he realized that his left wrist was empty. Pale skin, stretched over too visible blue veins, but no Dark Mark. He wanted to say something, but he couldn't. Severus exhaled the smoke and smiled, that slightly crooked smile he had worn back in the opium den, doing what he called his business. Which, essentially, entailed behaving like a cheap whore.

Then he raised his glass to his lips and Remus realized that while the left wrist had been free of any signs of Voldemort his right one was covered in dark red liquid. With every inch that Severus was raising the glass the dark red ran down faster, soon dripping from his wrist, red streaks running down to his elbow, vanishing in the dark beyond their bar stools. Remus felt his head spin.

Sipping his drink Severus put the glass down again, casually leaving it dangling in the air. But Remus couldn't take his eyes of his wrist, suddenly seeing everything, the slashed skin, cut veins, blood running from them with the pulse of a slowly dying heartbeat. He felt panic rising in him, trying to say something, anything, but he couldn't.

Then suddenly a pale hand appeared from behind Severus, belonging to someone but not belonging, leaving Remus utterly clueless. It settled down on Severus shoulder, claiming ground. Mine, it said. A thumb caressing pale flesh, deep set collarbone, up a too exposed throat. Severus let his head drop back, slightly, regarding Remus through half-closed eyes, thick eyelashes over pale skin. And all the time the blood was running, falling down, vanishing in the dark.

Remus opened his mouth, but Severus silenced him, rising his bloodied right hand.

"It's fine."

Shaking his head Remus disagreed, but suddenly the music was so loud in his ears and he couldn't make himself heard, couldn't say anything, couldn't reach Severus. All he saw was red blood on pale skin, the hand caressing cheekbones, and then he fell.

He awoke with a start, covered in sweat, staring into the darkness of his bedroom.

What a strange dream. Nothing really made sense, even though the symbolism was hardly anything spectacular or new. Apparently even in his dreams he tried to explain things with lame metaphors, somehow, or understand them. With booze. In a club. Well. Maybe he should go out more often. Get a good blowjob in a men's room that would finally wipe Severus from his mind for good.

He turned around in his bed, punching his pillow to fit his head, detangled his sheets, but nothing worked. He was awake, and far too agitated to fall asleep again. A whispered "Lumos" brought light, and he considered reading for a while. His current book selection was disappointing at this time of the night: one of Sirius' beloved crime novels, a treatise on Shakespeares' social relationships, short stories by Hemingway, some more historical novels. Nothing appealed to him.

Then he decided to work, because work was good and helpful and kept one's brain in line. The Alchemy book from his desk came floating through his bedroom door easily. It was heavy and sturdy in his hands, and the numbers and diagrams inside provided his mind with something solid and undebatable to cling to. There was no blood on the book, just lots of spilled potions and ink blotches. He fell asleep with the pages on Scottish forest environments and their impact on herbal cultivation open.

When he woke up again the sun was high in the sky. He needed a longer shower than usually to chase away the hollow feeling in his gut, and a brisk walk around the castle towards the orchard to fully return to his reality. Still Remus couldn't shake of the suspicion that he'd need more hours of sleep the next night.

The breakfast table was empty, but considering the time Remus wasn't surprised. He poured himself tea, and opened the Alchemy book he had carried all the way down to the garden. When he looked up from his second bowl of fruit salad he saw Albus crossing into the orchard.

"Good morning. It's hard to sleep well in this heat, isn't it? I had the weirdest dreams last night, you wouldn't belive them." As always smiling Albus pulled out a chair and set down directly opposite of Remus. He only nodded, not really wanting to know what someone who had lived as long as Albus might dream of. Instead he poured Albus a cup of tea and pushed the sugar pot into his general direction. Spooning more sugar into his cup then Remus' mother would have thought appropriate Albus continued.

"What a pity Sybil isn't here. We could've told her our dreams and she would tell us what they meant. Wouldn't that be useful?"

Remus couldn't shake the suspicion off that he knew exactly what his dreams meant, but somehow didn't really want to consider it further. And he certainly hoped that Albus wouldn't inquire further into that matter. But the headmaster had spotted the rather large Alchemy book and already examined the opened page.

"Herbology? You should take a walk through the Forest, most of these herbs grow here in perfect condition." Curious Remus concentrated on the book, and the next minutes were spent with a general introduction into the biological ecosphere the Forbidden Forest housed and the plants Remus would find there.

When they had agreed on more than twenty different herbs growing close to the castle Remus was done with his breakfast and Albus emptied his cup.

"So I will take a walk and see if I can find any. It must be useful for Severus to have that many ingredients here."

Putting his cup back on the saucer Albus nodded.

"Yes, it's very useful. The forest is a fascinating place, it's not all dangerous creatures of course. There are many beautiful spots. You should ask Severus to give you a tour, he knows it very well from his various expeditions. And he's not afraid of the big spiders, which I personally find rather reassuring whenever we go out."

Remus himself wasn't particularly fond of the giant crawling spiders as well, but he wasn't scared of them. Though he'd need to think a minute before he could find the perfect repelling spell. Getting up Albus interrupted his train of thought.

"If you excuse me, I do need to have a look at today's mail. I think I just heard the owls arriving. Enjoy your walk through the forest. Somehow I feel like I need to take a day off soon."

Remus closed the book and nodded.

"You're working too hard. Do you know the time? I think it's rather late and I don't want to miss my appointment with Severus tonight."

Pulling a small delicate pocket watch out of the pocket of his robes Albus threw a glance at it.

"Five minutes past eleven already. But I am not sure whether your meeting will take place today. As far as I'm informed Severus hasn't yet returned."

Surprised Remus looked up. "He's still gone?"

Albus' smile seemed to shrink a little.

"Yes, but don't worry. I'm sure he will be back in time. Severus always comes back home. Sometimes it just takes a while."

With that he nodded once more towards Remus and left the orchard. Remus remained at the table a while longer, turning pages in the alchemy book, but not really reading them. Instead he looked at the pictures and drawings of herbs. Finally he picked himself up and decided to really take the walk through the woods Albus had recommended.

With a quick spell the Alchemy book shrank into a far more portable size, and looking around he gathered a few of the table napkins. A small spell, some wand-waving, and the napkins transformed into a useful pouch he could place over his shoulders. Pocketing his wand again he couldn't help but smile. He always had been good with transformation spells, and it felt good to know that he could still do it without effort. Working with Severus made one forget one's own qualities sometimes.

The newly transformed pouch over his shoulders he made his way over to the forest. It was already a hot day and the sunlight was bright and heated his skin up quickly. Reaching the outskirts of the forest he couldn't help but sigh in relief. Stepping into its cool shadows was pleasant, and the cool breeze rustling among the trees felt welcoming. The scent of wood in the heat, the liquid pitch running from the bark and the various plants growing in the underwood were a sensatory delight. Inhaling deeply he tried to pick apart the various smells.

Deeper and deeper he strolled into the forest, looking for plants and herbs as he went. Soon he found the first more common plants: herba ferrum and young salvia elegans, with its leaves smelling of pineapple. He picked them carefully and placed them in his pouch, sometimes verifying that he had indeed the right plant for his purpose by looking at the shrunken book.

The longer he walked the darker the forest became. Large trees grew high into the sky, their crowns touching and creating a solid roof above Remus' head. Even the strong sun rays of the summer day didn't make it through that natural barrier. But suddenly he stepped out of the forest's dim light into the brightness of a clearing. It was a beautiful space, almost perfectly round, with only one single tree standing in the middle, a small basswood tree not even four meters high.

The clearing felt strangely familiar, and looking around Remus realized that it was the one where he had disapparated to London with Severus not even two weeks ago. They had taken a different way through the forest then. He must have crossed the magical border protecting Hogwarts, that invisible shield woven around the school, preventing anyone from apparating into or out of the area. It was calm.

Then he suddenly smelled verbena. There was no way mistaking the fresh and green smell, a hint of lemon and something bittersweet. Looking around he found the bush quickly. It grew right next to the opening where Remus had entered the clearing, now in summertime covered in little white blossoms. Walking over Remus inhaled the smell. Carefully he tried to break a few small branches loose, but the wood was sturdy and he needed some force.

Just when he was done and held a good bushel of branches complete with leaves and white blossoms in his hand he felt a sudden change in atmosphere on the clearing. Not two seconds later he heard an almost inaudible "plop" sound, and Severus stood next to the basswood tree.

He was just as surprised as Remus, and for a second they simply stared at each other. Remus was the first one to break the silence.

"Good morning, I guess."

Visibly confused Severus blinked.

"What are you doing here?"

His voice was rough, coarse around the edges, and very tired. He didn't look as if he had slept at all the past night, of if he had slept it hadn't been in a comfortable space. And he was hurt, a bloody scratch running down from his cheekbones to his jawbones, a straight line down the right side of his face.

"Herbology for beginners. Have you been home last night and then went out again?"

For a brief moment Severus looked utterly confused, a rare view that Remus found quite entertaining.

"No, why?"

Pointing at Severus' chest with the verbena branches he heldRemus raised an eyebrow.

"Because I don't remember you wearing that when you left last night."

There was a sudden hint of embarrassment in Severus' face, but it was gone immediately.

"None of your business. I'll see you later."

With that he turned on his heel, but Remus moved in quickly and walked by his side.

"I'll come with you, I'm on my way back in any case."

His face set, lips a thin tight line Severus couldn't do anything but shrug. Walking side by side through the woods in silence Remus had another chance to observe him once more.

If the shirt hadn't been that flashy he might not even have noticed it. But he distinctly recalled the understated yet expensive elegance of the black cotton Severus had worn last night, and it had absolutely nothing in common with the dark green silk he wore now. It was obvious that it wasn't his shirt. To whomever it belonged had distinctively broader shoulders, and the shirt didn't drape exactly right over Severus' thin frame.

But the cut wasn't the most obvious thing. Remus didn't really know where he could start to stare. Was it the very shiny silk fabric? The dramatic band collar, resembling some sort of asian fashion? Or the buttons, silver in colour, that were actually tiny snakes curled up, and, if Remus saw that correctly, sometimes moving? It was simply all too much to be elegant any longer, although the fabric alone must have cost half a fortune.

He desperately wanted to know, but he couldn't ask. And if he read Severus' body language right it would be smart to keep his mouth shut if he wanted to live through the day. But granting himself another indiscretion he most carefully and discreetly as possible sniffed. The scents of the woods almost overrode anything and Severus carefully kept his distance from Remus, but the path wasn't exactly spacious and they had walk close to each other sometimes to avoid getting tangled in the underwood.

Remus' nose picked up on smoke, lots of it, and quite a bit of alcohol. Whiskey, probably. Some dried sweat. And most prominently a horrific scent of artificial amber, lavender and musk, probably coming from the shirt. Remus couldn't help but wrinkle his nose. Musk was one of the most appalling scents around, and he would never understand why anyone would voluntarily spray it one themselves.

Soon they reached the outskirts of the forest, and the view over the castle was stunning. For a brief moment Severus stopped and watched.

"Beautiful, right?"

Remus smiled. The castle lay in fron of them in the distance, waiting. For them, actually. But Severus didn't reply and simply moved on.

To Remus' surprise they were met halfway by Albus Dumbledore. He must have known they were coming, but how? Waving he came closer.

"Remus, what a nice surprise. You went out looking for herbs and found Severus."

Severus only nodded curtly. Stopping right on front of them Albus smile vanished.

"And what happened to you?"

Once more confused Severus blinked. In the bright sunlight the scratch was far more visible than it had been in the forest, dried dark blood on white skin. Severus needed a moment to realize what Albus meant, and then touched his face as if he wasn't sure the scratch was really there.

"Nothing in particular. It will heal."

Sighing Albus looked at him with a tired glance, his bright blue eyes unblinking. Remus didn't need to know more beyond his basic knowledge of Legilimency to understand that something was going on that he couldn't see or hear. Then Severus broke their eye contact and looked to the ground. Albus shook his head softly and took a step closer.

"Really, you can't be left alone for a minute. Hold still."

He closed the distance between them and carefully reached out, placing his index finger under Severus' chin. For a moment Remus thought Severus would flinch and try to avoid the touch, but he kept himself in check and remained where he was.

With slow and careful moves Albus turned Severus' head slightly, and ran his thumb down the scratch softly. It was only a tiny movement, the slightest of touch, but Severus' eyes fell close immediately and he seemed to relax visibly. He only opened his eyes again when Albus removed his hand. The scratch was gone.

"There, as good as new. Just don't tell Poppy, she doesn't like me doing her work. I'll see both of you later."

Remus smiled and nodded, whie Severus seemed still a bit dazed, needing another moment to fully return to reality. Albus was already three steps away when he turned around, giving Severus another once-over before shaking his head and yelling over his shoulders.

"And tell Lucius that his taste is rather appaling. Really, for such a distinguished gentleman his fashion sense is rather weak."

Then he nodded once more and was gone. Remus felt the thoughts in his head swirling, but he also tried not to break into laughter and simply allowed himself a grin. Severus shot him an acid stare that reminded Remus considerably of the boy he had gone to school with a very long time ago.

"Say a word and you're dead."

Then he moved on, as quickly as the effort of keeping his pride intact allowed. Remus gave him the space, waited until he was gone, and then finally allowed amusement to take him over. But a small part of his mind wasn't pleased with the idea that the shirt might indeed have belonged to Lucius Malfoy. He didn't like thought of the arrogant bastard talking Severus out of his shirt when Remus himself didn't make it any further than a distanced talk.

A few hours later Remus walked into Severus' private lab, this time with a matter-of-course stride and his leather pouch in his hand. Severus sat at his desk, dressed once again in his usual working attire, reading a book. Upon Remus' entrance he looked up, his face still set into a rather unpleasant frown.

But Remus only smiled in return and put his pouch on the table.

"I brought the herbs I picked in the forest, I guess you could answer a few questions I have?"

Still not quite eradiating warmth Severus placed his book down, stood up and crossed the room.

"Let me see. Do you have the coat?"

Quickly Remus unfolded the lab coat. He had done the necessary transformation just before he had come to the lab, correcting the length and shortening the sleeves. There was no point in pretending that he was as tall as Severus, even if he had always dreamt of adding a few inches to his height. Now it fit him perfectly. He shrugged it on, buttoned it up and enjoyed Severus' mildly approving nod.

"It will do."

He'd probably wait until Judgement day if he ever wanted a compliment from Severus. But it was better than some scathing remark, and so Remus emptied the content of his pouch onto the table. Quickly Severus sorted through them, picking the individual herbs apart without taking even a short moment to think.

"Herba ferrum, and Salvia elegans, still very young. You can see that the wood is already solid, but not yet as hard as it will be very soon."

In a gesture Remus knew perfectly well from himself Severus turned a small piece of Herba ferrum between long fingers and then carefully sniffed it.

"Both plants are typical for our region and currently in season, which means that they are at the height of their alchemical potency. Anything else?"

But the pouch was empty. Remus had placed the verbena branches on his own desk, waiting for them to dry and until then letting them fill his room with their fresh scent.

"Of course there's more, but for now that isn't that bad. Herba ferrum is actually a part of wolfsbane, but also useful for a variety of potions because it stabilizes the mixture and makes brewing more easy, especially when working with highly volatile potions. It hardly reacts with most basic ingredients or tools. And what is Salvia elegans good for?"

Remus hadn't expected a question and needed a second to sort through his internal herbology database. To his surprise Severus waited patiently.

"Sage has anti-inflammatory properties, I guess same goes for Salvia elegans? And the leaves smell of pineapple."

Severus nodded, visibly satisfied with the correct answer. Remus sniffed the sage leaves and enjoyed the strangely fruity scent.

"Five points for Gryffindor?"

Raising an eyebrow Severus put the plants down.

"Over my dead cold body. Sage is anti-inflammatory, that is correct. Salvia elegans is a minor subspecies of common sage and has more or less the same properties. But as young plant it's much more potent than common sage. Like herba ferrum it's used in the wolfsbane, mostly because it helps to stop inflammatory reactions in overstretched and ripped muscle tissue, preventing pain and speeding up the healing process."

Remus needed a moment to sort through this.

"So these are side affects of the wolfsbane? I always suspected it to do much more than simply keep my head clear, but I wasn't sure."

Severus shrugged.

"Of course, it seemed appropriate to fine-tune it as much as possible. Although the potency balance is incredibly delicate, there wasn't much room to do a lot."

Of course the transformations had been easier with wolfsbane, but Remus had never been too sure about the exact way it worked. And somehow he had always accredited his current safe surroundings with making everything a bit easier, a bit less painful. He hadn't been sure about the potion.

"How does it work?"

Sorting the herbs once more Severus sighed.

"You won't understand it just yet. There's a base enhanced by a lot of magic doing most of the work, and some added ingredients with useful side effects. Roughly said there is Salvia elegans to prevent inflammation, a verabascum extract to reduce pain and swelling, a high concentration of willow bark which helps to reduce the pain more, and basswood powder to calm the nerves and thus prevent unnecessary agitation and muscle cramps."

Remus was impressed.

"And all of that on top of the regular potions? How long did it take to test all the variations?"

Now slightly annoyed Severus put down the Herba ferrum he was just holding and crossed the room again.

"It took a while. Especially pain killers are very difficult to work into potions. Most react with almost everything and destroy the balance. It takes a lot of experience and patience. Willow bark isn't very strong, but it was the strongest I could use. But it works, at least judging from your reports."

Remus nodded, but Severus had just vanished into the storage room and couldn't see it. The willow bark worked indeed, easing the transformation, and even reducing the pain so much that sometimes Remus could spent the days after the transformation feeling only sore and not as if his whole body had been ripped apart and stitched together again by some mad scientist.

When Severus returned he carried two brown glasses, sealed with cork and neatly labeled. Putting them down he wanted to say something, but Remus was faster.

"How do you know so much about painkillers?"

Frowning Severus looked down on the glasses and carefully started to remove the cork.

"I know a thing or two about pain. Knowledge not applied is wasted. Look at this."

He pushed the glasses into Remus' direction and it was very clear that there wouldn't be any further discussion about how Severus exactly had gained a working knowledge about painkillers. And why he was aware of pain induced by werewolf transformation. Or thought about ways to ease it.

But Remus knew not to ask and concentrated on the glasses.

"While we're talking about ingredients you can learn about ways to preserve them. These are your two herbs, cleaned, dried and ready for use. Look them up in your book tonight and learn everything about them: potency, actual active components, places to find them and season."

Looking into the glasses Remus nodded and then spent the next hour learning how to prepare and dry herbs so they could be used as ingredients in various potions.

He was just about to cut the bark off the young Salvia elegans when it knocked and the door swung open with cheerful force. Into the room marched Albus Dumbledore, smiling as always, followed by the far too elegantly dressed Lucius Malfoy.

Remus almost dropped his knife. He hated Malfoy with a passion, and he knew that most sane people would absolutely agree with him. The man was too cold, too obviously evil and too arrogant for anyone to spent more than three minutes with him and not harboring the need to kill him.

And he was always dressed to make people like Remus feel like a piece of dirt. The same feeling started to rise in Remus once again, but then he thought about the snakes moving on the green silk earlier and somehow managed to feel better. Although keeping a straight face became difficult.

"Severus, I just had the pleasure to welcome Lucius Malfoy to Hogwarts for a short conversation. He asked me lead him to your lab, as he said he had something important to say to you."

Malfoy smiled, but it had nothing to do with emotions and looked more like a grimace. His black cloak was draped artfully over his shoulders, and his heavy boots and made it look as if they were in the deepest gushes of winter. His cane tapped on the floor.

Severus seemed rather unfazed by the whole scenario. He straightened himself, brushed his hands off his dirty coat and threw a short glance to Remus. Then he shrugged.

"What a pleasure, Lucius. What do you want?"

His voice was smooth, with only the tiniest hint of displeasure tingeing the edges. But Remus picked up on them easily. It seemed that Lucius didn't. His smile broadened and he brushed a strand of bright blonde hair off his shoulders in a gesture that almost made Remus growl.

Albus nodded. "I will see you at the Ministry, then. Goodbye." And then he was gone, leaving Remus to wish that he could simply leave as well.

"A word, Severus, if you please."

Severus murmured something unintelligible, and cast a short glance at Remus.

"Just continue with your work."

Then he left, following Lucius out of the door. But they didn't shut it properly, whether intentionally or not, and Remus could hear their voices while he continued to scrape the bark off his Salvia branch.

"What can be so important? I dislike being disturbed."

Cursing his sensitive hearing Remus tried to concentrate on his branch. But he couldn't help hearing Malfoy chuckle.

"Considering I woke up alone today I felt I had to track you down. You forgot something."

The bark was rather stubborn, Remus found.

"I never forget things, as you might recall. It's a nasty little habit of yours, hiding other people's belongings."

Sage was good against inflammations in joints, yes. Remus tried to recount its other uses. Why didn't the bark simply do what he wanted it to do?

"And leaving in the middle of the night is one of yours. Will you never give that up?"

He heard Severus snort.

"No. Send Narcissa my regards. Your belongings will be delivered to you via owl. And I never want to see you in my lab again."

A slight hint of a threat, but Lucius seemed to be a difficult man to threaten at all. The Salvia elegans, in the meantime, didn't yield in the slightest, and Remus used a bit more force on the knife.

"Yes, you always say that. But why? I come with the best intentions. I found something of yours in my own house, and I'm bringing it back. Is there harm in that?"

Remus thought about clouds. Beautiful fluffy white clouds over a clear sky -

"Your best intentions have killed many a man."

Malfoy laughed again, softly, and the little hair on Remus' neck stood up. Clouds, damn it!

"So has your magic. But do I accuse you of that? I never would. You see, I'm a very generous man."

Sunny-day clouds. White clouds, traveling far, to foreign places, and the innocent sun shining. Yes.

"You're a birdbrained man, at best, and I will not go deeper into your less amicable character traits. Get lost, Lucius, or I'll show you the way out and you're very much aware of the fact that you will not enjoy that."

How many types of clouds were there? Remus wondered, attacking the branch once more with his knife. His ears were strangely hot.

There was silence in the corridor for a moment, shuffled steps, more silence, and Remus mind dropped the image of clouds immediately and went on to something he rather wouldn't want to think about. Out of nowhere rose the image of a pale hand, long fingers on prominent cheekbones, and he had a hard time chasing his dream away.

Then suddenly the door was opened, and Severus stalked back into the lab. The noise drew Remus back to reality rather abruptly, and he jerked the knife too hard. It cut through the sage and straight into Remus' thumb.

Immediately he took a step back, dropping the knife on the table. No blood on the cutting boards and ingredients, he remembered the rule exactly.

Severus picked up on the situation quickly.

"Sharp knifes, you might remember. How bad is it?"

Instinctively Remus hid his hand.

"Don't, my blood is highly contagious and - "

But Severus interrupted him brutally.

"Lycanthropy is only transmitted by blood on blood contact, as you should know. I have no open wounds on my hands. Now show me the cut before you flood my whole lab and I'll have to scrub the floor for weeks."

The cut wasn't big but almost bone-deep, and the blood was already dripping to the floor in small drops. In no time Severus picked a small box from between his books on the shelves and brought it to the table. There were band-aids and gauze, sterile bandages and a variety of vials.

He took a small piece of sterile gauze, drenched it with liquid from a vial and handed it to Remus.

"Put it on the cut, it cleans the wound and prevents infection. It could burn a bit."

That was the understatement of the century. As soon as the gauze touched Remus' wound it burned like fire, and for a short second he considered chopping his whole hand off. He had tears in his eyes immediately.

"Hell, what is that?"

Severus handed him a large band-aid.

"Disinfectant, what else. Go and see Poppy, she can clean you up properly."

Remus' finger pulsed horribly.

"No good with healing, are you."

Severus already reassembled the box and returned it to its shelf.

"Not a bit. But Poppy is a rather useful addition to the Hogwarts staff, and someone has to make sure she stays in training."

There seemed a grain of sad truth behind that statement that had nothing to do with Remus' finger, but for the moment the pulsing pain kept Remus' mind suitably occupied. It also chased away ideas about what had happened in the hallway right now.

"Go now, I'll clean up. At least you learned something today."

Remus protested, but Severus waved him away impatiently. Turning around one last time while he was already in the doorway Remus saw him leaning against his working desk, rubbing his forehead, his face set into a mask of deep thinking. His gaze was fixed to the drops of blood on the floor, but Remus couldn't shake the idea off that his mind was somewhere entirely else.

But the pain in his finger prevented Remus from thinking about that longer, and he made his way over to the hospital wing. He wanted to keep his finger a while longer, after all. He might need his hands one day for more pleasant things than cutting potatoes and sage.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 2011 - 15/9/2014

_Salvia elegans in fact does smell of pineapple. Fancy, considering how horribly sage tea tastes. _

A/N: Reviews, how I love them. Thank you. I will do my best to update regularly and not keep you guessing for too long.

Veteran also prompted me to take a good look at my own profile and I realized that, indeed, I've been here for twelve years now myself. Time surely flies. (Also, Veteran, do link me to your own work, if you fancy. I'm a very curious person.)


	6. Nobody's saint

**Nobody's saint  
**

Poppy took care of Remus' cut with a few quick spells and touches, and then send him away.

"I feel like telling you to go outside and play. But really, we have so few free days. Don't spent that much time with Severus, his work ethic is contagious and not very healthy."

Remus couldn't help but agree, thank her and decided to take half of her good advice. The days were going by fast, but for him that also meant that the time to accomplish his goal of brewing wolfsbane and seducing Severus was running up. So he collected his books and quill from his rooms and occupied the large table in the orchard.

With the chapters on Herba ferrum and Salvia elegans before him the time went by quickly, and the house-elves chased him away to set the table. Half an hour later he returned to a beautifully laid-out table and took a chair next to Minerva. Even Severus had come out of his lab, sitting next to Albus and involving him in a rather intense discussion on the molecular properties of Herba ferrum extracts. Or something like that.

Remus tried to listen and learn, but if he was honest with himself he didn't understand half of what they were saying. He only picked up on the fact that they didn't agree on something apparently important, and he enjoyed listening to Albus gently mocking Severus for furiously defending an approach apparently shared only by a minority of potion masters overall. Smiling Remus concentrated on his food and then questioned Pomona Sprout on the growth phases of certain plants. She was amused about his new passion for Herbology, but indulged him willingly with her knowledge.

"Sometimes I think our house-elves try to feed us all into obesity."

Minerva eyed the selection of sweets that had just appeared on the table with thinly veiled delight.

"The Panna cotta is especially delicious. Severus?"

Albus picked up a small glass bowl and held it into Severus' direction. But the potions master had been lost in thought, and startled when he heard his name. Shaking his head he waved Albus' hand away.

"No, thank you."

He quickly hid a yawn behind his hands. It hadn't bypassed Remus that he had grown silent the longer the dinner lasted, eating almost nothing and nursing a single glass of white wine. As soon as the dessert was gone he pushed his chair back and rose.

"If you'll excuse me."

Albus nodded and patted his arm.

"Of course. Go to bed. Did you get any sleep last night?"

Severus tried to answer, but whatever he had planned to say got lost in another yawn he hid in his hands.

"Apparently not. Go, you're not useful when you're that tired."

Nodding duly Severus tapped the table once with his left fist, and left.

With the twilight giving way to darkness the atmosphere at the table got more and more relaxed. With a single hadnmotion Albus placed small shining orbs into the trees, and the whole orchard suddenly twinkled in the night. Minerva filled their glasses with sticky lemon liquor she had brought from Rome, and especially Albus took an instant liking to the sugary alcohol. It wasn't quite to Remus taste, but it fitted well with the Panna cotta and the laughter underneath the fruit trees.

Adding to the general amusement and fueled by lemon liquor Minerva started to share some of her best anecdotes of several decades of serving as Head of Gryffindor. Remus was halfway amused and halfway mortified. He hadn't been aware of Minerva knowing everything about their little affairs and love adventures, and his ears stayed warm even though he joined into the general laughter. On the other hand he himself knew a lot more than his students would find appropriate, too, as was the curse of any teacher.

The laughter seemed to float around the table in waves, and the twinkling orbs in the trees matched perfectly with the starts glittering above them.

It was almost midnight when the lightness of the atmosphere was disturbed. Nobody had heard Severus coming, but suddenly a pale hand was placed on Albus' shoulder lightly and the candles on the table cast long shadows on him, still half-hidden in the shadows.

Dressed entirely in black he blended in perfectly with the darkness surrounding the table. The smell of burnt flesh hit Remus like a wave. He didn't need to look twice to understand what was going on, and the laughter at the table died quickly.

"Albus, a moment, if you please."

Without hesitating a second Albus got up, and followed Severus out of the immediate surroundings of the table. They spoke for a moment, still being the focus of everybody's attention, although they were too far away for anybody to understand their words.

Remus had never seen Severus or any other high-ranked Death Eater in their full regalia. He was used to Severus all in black, of course, but even his academic robes were light-weight, slim cut although they tended to billow around him. They hid his body perfectly, but they didn't do much to enhance his already impressive persona.

These robes were different. Heavy and visibly luxurious fabrics were artfully draped around him, the long cloak fastened to his shoulders in a complicated fashion. The large hood was still down and he held a pair of thin black leather gloves in his hand. Small details drew the eye of the beholder and led one to the conclusion that the robes were a clear sign of the wealth of their occupant. Small polished buttons gleamed in the light and the complicated draping of the fabric probably made it a pain to put on. The cloak wasn't made of entirely black fabric but rather of a delicately weaved texture, with ornamental decorations and an endlessly swirling complicated pattern.

There was not a hint of skin visible besides Severus' face and hands, and Remus knew that both would be covered soon as well. On a second glance he realized that Severus must have taken the bandage off his right wrist.

For a moment everybody watched Albus speak without being able to pick out his words. Severus said only few words, and nodded. Then they moved even further away from the table, walking together towards the Great Portal. Straining his ears to catch a part of their conversation Remus could only hear the hem of Severus' heavy cloak softly brushing over the grass. He moved differently, even, slightly straighter, still with grace but also with a certain controlled power that was nothing but a thinly veiled threat. Remus wouldn't want to meet him in the dark alone, and yet somehow it was tempting, as every good evil had to be.

Then they stood in front of the portal for a moment, Albus suddenly small compared to Severus. They watched Severus put on the gloves, pull up the wide hood hiding his face. For a second something silver gleamed in the light from the lamps fixed to the Portal.

Suddenly they felt a tiny twist in the magical atmosphere surrounding them, and then Severus was gone.

When Albus returned nobody had refreshed the conversation again. In complete silence he sat down and picked his glass of wine up. It was Minerva who spoke first.

"And that tonight when he was so tired. It's good he could disapparate from the portal."

Albus nodded, swirling the wine in his glass.

"He can't pick when he's summoned. Tom has his own ideas and usually a rather bad timing."

Sighing Minerva nodded. But Remus' thoughts were somewhere else, and curiosity once more got the better of him.

"Was the silver flash we saw the mask?"

Albus nodded, but Remus' curiosity wasn't satisfied just yet.

"What does it look like?"

Sipping on his wine and putting down the glass Albus shook his head.

"Silver. There's a reason you don't know."

Surprise was uttered by more than one person. Minerva leant in.

"Care to enlighten us?"

Albus didn't seem to feel especially fond of the idea, but he gave in easily.

"You do know that all Death Eaters wear masks to hide their identity. Most of these are very similar. But the highest ranking followers wear specific masks, designed following their personal wishes, indicating rank and individual traits. First of all it was Severus' request that only I know how exactly his mask looks like. But apart from that it makes sense to keep it a secret, as one day you might stumble over him in a battle situation, and it could cost him his life if anybody picks up on his connection with the order."

Smiling reassuringly he emphasised his point with a hand motion.

"It will also save you nightmares, belive me. The robes and appearance are impressive enough, but the missing face is the most frightening thing about the whole masquerade. Tom did know what he was doing with that."

The atmosphere at the table in the orchard never returned to its former ease afterwards. They tried to keep up the conversation, and with the help of lemon liquor and sugary treats their efforts were mildly fruitful. But sometimes Remus caught himself or any of the others sharing the same thought, wondering what was happening so many miles away from them, and if Severus would make it home in one piece.

The following night proved that Albus wasn't always right. He had assumed that not knowing about the mask spared them nightmares, but Remus had a very active imagination, and his mind substituted knowledge with various options with ease. In his dreams he lay on the cold hard floor in a darkened room, surrounded by what he knew to be Voldemort's men. Their black clad bodies seemed to float around him in a circle, round and round, and their blank silver faces were the only thing visible in dim light. He knew he was bleeding, that he would be dying soon, that someone in the circle was already waiting to perform the spell, to say the two deadly words - but no one did. They simply turned in a circle, in complete silence and darkness, while Remus tried to move and couldn't, his limbs frozen in place.

When he woke up with a scream on his lips his sheets were drenched with sweat. Gasping for air he listened to his own voice vibrating in his dark bedroom for a moment. Heat, sugary alcohol and Death Eaters, it just didn't go together well. A swift glance at the clock on his nightstand told him that it was almost half past three in the morning, but he knew he wouldn't fall asleep again anytime soon. Again. He had to work on his dream-management, that was for sure.

His body needed movement, and he knew that exercising his legs would help against the onslaught of mental images. Chasing the floating blank faces from his mind he put on a t-shirt and some linen trousers, and left his rooms.

The dark castle was familiar ground. Smelling the stones, feeling the coolness rising from the hard floor, sometimes listening to the whispering stones - he had spent so many nights wandering alone through these corridors at night that it immediately soothed his mind. It was a form of walking meditation, his feet carrying him through the corridors with not aim, no apparent logic or sense of direction. He was alone with the night and the stones.

Remus had just ascended to the a higher floor when he noticed something odd about the dimly lit corridor in front of him. It was one of the few corridors not lit by torches but natural moonlight, with fourth large windows casting pale shadows on the floor. Each window had two window panes, separated in the middle by a richly ornamented column. The deep set window sills were comfortable lounging spaces, and students retreated to these rarely used areas to read in peace and enjoy the view over the grounds. Remus remembered going there himself, back in the days when sometimes the library was too dark and the common room too crowded.

Now three symmetrical shadows were on the stone floor, painting the outlines of the windows in weak light. But the fourth pool of moonlight showed an added silhouette, something dark perched on the window sill, motionless. Remus stopped, rooted to his spot at the top of the stairs. Nothing moved.

His mind went through his options quickly. His wand was back in his private rooms, and for a moment he deeply regretted leaving it there. Then rationality kicked in. Hogwarts was one of the safest places in the world, protected by a thick layer of active spells and many more of ancient magic nobody really understood. It was highly unlikely that someone had entered the castle unseen. And why should anyone or anything retreat to a rarely used corridor and wait there? Still thinking he sniffed.

There was an unmistakable scent of blood in the air, sickeningly sweet and heavy.

Carefully he took a few steps down the corridor, closing the distance between him and window and who or whatever was sitting there. It quickly became obvious that he damned well knew who was there, although it didn't make any sense to him why that particular person should be sitting in that particular spot at that particular time.

Trying to make more noise then necessary Remus sat down in the same window, a few inches away, carefully watching Severus.

He seemed to be asleep, but in a strange enough position. Seated in the middle of the bench created by the window sill he had his back against the ornamental column, very straight, his head leant against the stone. With eyes closed and hands folded in his lap he seemed as still as a statue. Gone was the large thick coat, but he was still wearing a stiff ensemble of frock coat and white shirt, his hair a sharp contrast with his white collar. The smell of blood was stronger the closer Remus came.

"Severus?"

It seemed like eternity until Severus blinked and opened his eyes. The moonlight wasn't strong, but even with that as only light source Remus noticed that his eyes needed a long time to focus. He didn't move beyond that, keeping his stiff and rigid position. Now close to him Remus noticed that something was odd about his breathing patterns, his shoulders moving unnaturally with every intake of breath.

"What're you doing here?"

His voice was soft, almost inaudible, and strangely thin. It seemed that speaking required more effort than he was able to put in.

"Taking a walk. And you?"

Something tugged at the edge of Remus mind and told him to open his bloody eyes and see, but somehow he couldn't figure out what the problem exactly was. Besides the fact that he had just found Severus in a darkened corridor, at the other end of the castle, far away from any space where he could realistically be expected to be. At almost four o'clock in the morning.

"Sitting."

The scent of blood was almost unbearable, but Remus couldn't quite detect where it came from. Severus seemed unharmed, at least from what Remus could see. He wasn't behaving like an injured man, not holding on to any specific body parts or hunching over. Only his stiff posture was somehow odd, as was the way his fingers were entwined. And why would be take a break? Here? From what?

"Are you alright?"

Asking wouldn't hurt, but then Remus was sure he wasn't going to get an answer.

"Hm. Get lost."

It was an insult barely above a whisper, but it also seemed obvious that Severus wasn't in the mood or condition to deal with Remus. Still keeping his head leant against the column he closed his eyes again, his face a carefully composed mask of nothingness except for a few deep lines on his forehead. But Remus wasn't a man to take orders.

"No. Are you hurt?"

For a short second something like amusement ghosted over Severus' set face. He seemed to exhale carefully.

"Not your business."

Remus carefully inched towards him, closing the already short distance between them. The closer he came the more he picked up on scents he didn't like. Blood, dirt, sweat, something he couldn't place but suspected to be fear. He frowned. The tugging at the edge of Remus' mind became more persistent.

For a moment there was nothing but silence, disrupted by Severus' labored breathing that Remus could now even hear, sitting directly next to him. Remus mind was swirling with options and possibilities, but nothing made sense. He watched Severus once more from the side, picking up on small details. In the moonlight his skin seemed to be made out of thin paper. And then he noticed the tiniest of movement that had thus far evaded his observing eyes. Severus' hands, neatly folded, weren't as still as the rest of the man. Remus suspected that he hadn't noticed before because the way Severus held his hands hid most of their strange movements with what seemed to be practised ease. But it became more and more obvious that they were moving ever so slightly, twitching uncontrollably and softly shaking.

Surprised Remus moved before thinking, reaching over and placing his own hand on top of them. Severus flinched, pulled his hands away from Remus', relaxing his grip and thus effectively giving Remus exactly what he wanted. Without giving a damn that he had just invaded Severus' private space without even asking Remus caught Severus' now free left hand and cradled it in his own.

His skin was cold as ice, and the shaking of his fingers became even more recognizable in Remus' soft, but steady hold.

"You're freezing to death, how is that possible in this kind of heat? What the hell happened to you?"

The lines on Severus face deepened, but he was obviously not capable of fighting Remus' invasion. He shrugged, although it was very clear that he was deeply uncomfortable with the situation. Remus carefully tightened his grip around Severus' hand, massaging thin fingers softly as if it would help restoring their warmth. How could a man be half freezing to death in a corridor that was so warm? Dressed in so many layers of thick fabric? Remus would have died wearing all these heavy textiles, but they seemed to do nothing to stop the cold in Severus' bones.

"Let me try something else. How can I help you?"

It seemed like ages until Severus said something, but Remus was patient. He just sat there, watching him from the side, feeling the trembling of Severus' fingers against his own palms. His heartbeat was slightly out of control, but he attributed it to the fact that he had no idea what actually was going on.

"You could leave."

There was a hint of sarcasm in the whispered request, indicating that Severus was exactly aware that there was no way he would get rid of Remus anytime soon. Allowing himself a soft grin that Severus couldn't see through closed eyes Remus shook his head.

"No. Other ideas?"

Finally Severus sighed.

"Damn you. There's a vial. In the lab, on my desk. Not labeled." Speaking seemed to become more and more difficult, but Severus took only a short break and continued. "Clear liquid. Bring it."

For a brief second Remus wondered whether that was simply a plot to get rid of him, so that Severus could stay on the window sill and suffer in peace, but the request seemed genuine.

"Sure. Isn't the door locked?"

Severus blinked, opened his eyes for a short second, and seemed to focus on something. Then he nodded carefully, not moving anymore than it was necessary.

"Not anymore."

With closed eyes leaning his head against the stone column he exhaled carefully. Remus nodded, although it was useless.

"I'll be back soon. Don't run away."

Severus snorted almost inaudibly.

"Not likely."

Releasing Severus' hand Remus stood up and quickly made his way down the corridor. When he turned around one last time he saw Severus slowly retreating into his former position, hands neatly folded in his lap, fingers entwined to keep the trembling under control. Then Remus turned around and ran all the way to the lab.

It was exactly as Severus had said. The door opened to Remus' touch, and a quick Lumos showed the there was indeed one single vial on Severus' working desk, placed there as if to make sure it wouldn't be forgotten. Picking it up Remus eyed it. It was a small vial, filled with a clear liquid, neatly corked and without any kind of label indicating what was inside. Only a single dot with black ink on the cork marked it as not containing water. Remus had no clue what could be inside, but that wasn't his exact mission anyway.

The door to the lab closed heavily behind him, and he made his way back.

When he arrived in the corridor again nothing had changed. Quickly he strode over, took his former spot on the window sill and held the vial out.

"I guess I found it."

Severus needed a moment to open his eyes and turn his head, every single movement carefully acted out as if he needed to actually think about how his body was supposed to move. With the same speed he held out his left hand, and Remus placed the vial inside.

For a short second he remembered that the vial was still corked and wondered how Severus would get the cork off with his rather uncoordinated hands. But apparently this wasn't the first time for something like this to happen, and Severus knew exactly how to open the vial. Pressing the nail of his thumb on a certain part of the cork it opened effortlessly and with a soft hiss.

"I see you got a system."

Remus nodded approval. He liked things that worked, that had been thought through and put to action, especially when tiny details were concerned. Severus hesitated only a short moment.

"Yes."

Then he placed the vial on his lips and downed the liquid. Putting the empty vial down again he carefully placed it on his right side, where the window sill wasn't occupied by Remus. Exhaling again he leant back and closed his eyes.

"What's in there?"

It was halfway genuine interest in the potion Severus used, and halfway worry about what exactly was happening. Severus didn't move an inch.

"Water."

Shaking his head Remus disapproved.

"You know I'm not that stupid."

In slow motion Severus shrugged. Remus wondered whether he would fall asleep anytime soon, and if it wasn't incredibly uncomfortable doing it sitting that straight.

"Are you going to stay here?"

Remus eyed the empty vial. What was that liquid?

"No. Half an hour, maybe more."

Half an hour? Did whatever Severus took need that much time to kick in? Sitting still Remus wondered for a moment what was to happen next. He watched Severus carefully. He was still unmoving, but had returned to his former pattern of breathing. Now that he was aware of it Remus noticed the silent shaking of his hands more easily.

Then he remembered how cold Severus' skin had been.

"You are cold, right?"

Nothing happened for a while, but then Severus nodded very slowly. Remus was surprised by his own patience,

"Then let me warm you. When whatever you took there starts to work you can leave. Yes?"

Once more Remus waited, and Severus finally shrugged. Trying to be encouraging Remus smiled, feeling only slightly stupid because Severus' eyes were still closed. Then he carefully placed his hand on Severus' still trembling fingers. Unsurprisingly Severus flinched again, but this time he allowed Remus to actually take his hand. Cradling it with both hands, feeling once more how cold the skin was still Remus slowly allowed his magic to grow into a soft heating spell. It was one of the few spells he knew how to conduct without using a wand or anything else but physical contact. Like a soft cloak he wrapped the spell around Severus stiff shoulders, using only a small amount of magic.

It surprised him how easy it was. And there was that short moment when his magic first touched Severus and Remus felt that very short reaction. It was a common thing, somebody' elses magic reacting towards a spell coming from the outside, especially if it wasn't an aggressive spell. It felt like two entities touching, carefully examining each other, and then allowing closeness. He felt the same whenever his magic came into contact with Sirius. They had combined their magic so many times that it was now a friendly thing, recognition, something warm and comfortable.

But he hadn't expected his magic react the same around Severus. For a tiny second he felt Severus' own magic, a powerful and foreign thing, darkly residing inside the other man's veins. But there was no barrier, no defense mechanism. It seemed as if Severus' magic agreed with what Remus planned to do, even welcomed the spell. It was easy to warp him into the invisible cloak of warmth. Remus hoped that Severus could read between the lines, pick up on the fact that he was safe with Remus. As far as they could be safe. As far as a man like Severus would ever be safe with anyone.

Remus astonishment was complete when he saw and felt Severus visibly relax after only a short time, slumping down just a little bit, and in that allowing their shoulders to touch. It would have been enough body contact to keep the spell up, but Remus didn't even consider letting go of Severus hand. It was safely kept between his own hands, and with every minute Remus felt, or imagined that he felt the tension in the long fingers lessen until Severus completely relaxed into his hold, fingertips tapping a strange involuntary rhythm against Remus' palms.

It was strangely peaceful, and for a moment they simply sat there. Remus listened to the sounds the castle made, to the movements in the night outside, and Severus' slow breathing patterns.

Then it suddenly clicked, and whatever had been tugging at the edges of Remus' mind suddenly found its voice. There was one thing Remus knew breathing techniques could be used for, one thing he himself used them for, and one reason why someone might keep unlabeled vials in reach.

"Severus?"

It took a while for a reply to come, and Remus wasn't sure whether it was because Severus was already half asleep. But then he hummed a response, and Remus continued.

"You said you're dying. In the opium den."

Remus felt the nod more than he saw it, but Severus said nothing.

"I just remembered. So does that mean -"

He couldn't say it. It didn't seem right. How does one ask someone else if they were dying? Hey, what about picking a gravestone tonight? Would you like some Bach for your funeral? No? Rather Death Metal? Remus swallowed, not knowing how to phrase it. But to his surprised he didn't have to.

"It will pass."

He thought he had heard a hint of a smile in the too tired voice, still barely audible. Nothing more but a coarse whisper in the dark. Without knowing it Remus exhaled.

"But -?"

Severus nodded and hummed something once more.

"Yes."

Remus couldn't say anything after that. Instead he wrapped his hand around Severus fingers, entwining their hands, one of Remus' thumbs drawing lazy circles on the bony wrist. He liked the feeling, although his own hands seemed to be unusually square compared to Severus'. But Remus' skin was softer, not hardened by years of handling ingredients and hot cauldrons. He was surprised how many small injuries he found, how many healed cuts and little scars. Severus' hands were those of a man working, useful and finely tuned tools.

Very slowly he felt the skin warming up, and it seemed to him that Severus was relaxing further, his breathing becoming more and more natural. They sat in silence. Remus' head was filled to the brim with questions, but as always he knew he would never get an answer. All he could do was offering warmth and silent companionship, right there and then. That was all.

He couldn't determine the exact moment when the clear liquid started to do its work. But somehow life returned into Severus slowly, and then there was a moment when he carefully pulled himself up again, sitting straight once more, but still not as stiff as before. Remus regretted the moment their shoulders stopped touching, and it was only a matter of time until he had to let go of Severus' hand. He let the warming spell slowly die down.

Slowly but more determined Severus moved, carefully as if first trying if his body would subject itself to his command. It almost painfully reminded Remus of how he moved after a night spent as a wolf, testing whether his limbs were properly attached back to his torso, checking if his muscles still functioned and which bones were ruined.

With both of his hands free Severs rubbed his face, and Remus realized that he still wasn't wearing the bandage round his right wrist. It looked slightly swollen, but he didn't point it out. Severus was probably already very much aware.

Then Severus got up, still slightly unsteady. Remus remained where he was, smiling up to him.

"Are you feeling better?"

Severus nodded, once more rubbing his eyes.

"Yes. I shall go. Apologies for disturbing your night."

His voice was back to its usual strenght, and also to its usual detached neutrality. Remus tried to keep his face empty, crossing his legs. He wasn't tired in the slightest, but he didn't feel like moving.

"Don't be stupid."

Severus nodded once more and turned, still very consciously placing his feet. But he quickly seemed to walk with more stability. He almost made it to the stairs when Remus called him back.

"Where does the blood come from?"

Severus stopped, but he didn't turn around. All Remus could see was his dark silhouette in the corridor, pale light on black fabric, shoulders slumped underneath an invisible weight.

"It's not mine."

The agony was almost palpable, a man confessing his sins unwillingly, already regretting the answer the very second it was spoken. Remus tried not to be shocked. Then Severus vanished, down the stairs leading to the corridor that would bring him back to Serpens Tower. Remus remained in the window seat, now finally looking through the glass. The ground was bathed in the moonlight, meadows, the lake, and the dark silhouette of the forbidden forest. He wasn't sure what he had expected. It was difficult to arrange the things Severus did with what he was learning about the man.

Picking up the empty vial Severus had forgotten Remus turned it between his fingers.

They all did what they had to do. It was the only way to get them through these times, and Remus knew that the worst was yet to come. But they lost so much along the way, they were hiding so many things. And what use was all that? What happened when there were no vials left they could drink against the pain, when breathing didn't help anymore? Where was the end, and what would happen then? How long could it take for a single man to die?

He stayed on the window sill, lost in thought, until the sun rose above the forest, bathing the ground in golden light and doing nothing to solve their problems.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 18/9/2014 (updated 10/9/2015)


	7. Who needs enemies when we've got friends

**Who needs enemies when we've got friends**

When Remus stood in front of the wooden door to the lab once more he felt a sudden attack of severe nervousness. He had no idea how Severus would react, only hours after Remus had watched him vanish down the dimly lit corridor. After he had held his hand, warming him, almost protecting him. Experience told Remus that it was very likely that Severus would either gloss over what had happened and simply ignore it or be in a terrifying bad mood, maybe throwing a cauldron at Remus' head. Or a curse.

Prepared for everything Remus knocked, twice, on the solid wood. The door opened readily, just as it had the past night, and he walked into the brightly lit room.

Severus sat at his working desk, a stack of books in front of him, twisting a pencil between the fingers of his left hand. He looked better, less exhausted and from what Remus saw his hands were perfectly calm. The bandage was back on his right hand, and from the way his whole lower arm was placed on the table Remus figured that it was causing him pain. On Remus' own desk a couple of brown glasses, a cutting board, knives and a bowl with whitish roots were awaiting him.

Trying to look confident Remus wandered into the room.

"Good afternoon, I guess."

Looking up from his books Severus raised an eyebrow.

"Indeed."

With a move of his head he motioned Remus towards his table.

"Everything's prepared."

Nodding Remus took his place. But he wasn't done yet. Watching Severus rise slowly and following him over to the table he inhaled. A man has to be brave sometimes, and he would be brave. He was a Marauder, after all.

"How are you?"

Facing each other with the table between them Remus cast a critical glance at Severus' face, but he saw no signs of the things he had seen in the dark. Severus simply shrugged.

"I guess I have to thank you."

These was no sign that he didn't mean it, and Remus recognized the effort behind the personal sentiment and nodded.

"Of course. I'm sorry you're going through these bad phases."

The statement elicited only a sardonic shrug.

"I've seen worse."

As soon as he had said the words Severus seemed to regret them, angry at himself for giving away something personal so easily. But he caught himself quickly.

"But that is not important right now."

Remus was of a very different opinion.

"It is. What does a bad phase look like if that wasn't one?"

Apparently nobody had asked Severus that before, and his face was a mixture of genuine surprise and suspicion. "Why should that matter to you?"

Now slightly frustrated Remus crossed his arms in front of his chest. He had no plans to back down anytime soon.

"Why should it not? We work together, we live together, we fight together. Doesn't it work that way?"

Severus needed a moment to process that, his face remaining the same careful empty wall he usually displayed. Then he shrugged.

"What do you know about Cruciatus, given that you actually teach a subject with the words Dark Arts in its title?"

Severus looked down at the table once more, waiting for Remus' explanation, and realised that something was missing. He counted the glasses once, looked at the labels and then turned around and walked over to the storage room. It gave Remus enough time to think his answer through.

"Well, probably not as much as you do, considering you deal with dark wizards and dark magic all the time."

Severus was well already in the doorway, turning around. There was a hint of that dangerous smile on his face.

"It's always entertaining to watch the lot of you talking yourself around the truth. I do not deal with dark wizards, Lupin, I am one."

Then he vanished into the storage room for a moment. When he returned he carried another brown glass in his hands. Remus hadn't yet managed to brush the slightly shocked look of his face.

"How can you say something like that? You do work for the order, after all."

Arriving at the table once more Severus carefully put the brown glass down.

"I work for Albus Dumbledore, not for the order. I like my masters to be clearly defined, it makes bowing to them easier."

Then he tapped the lid of the brown glass with a bony index finger.

"But that is currently not open for your consideration. Focus on your work."

Biting back a sharp remark Remus growled, but Severus ignored him and opened the lid. Immediately the whole lab was flooded with the scent of verbena, and Remus didn't need to wait for the glass to be completely opened or to read the label.

"Well, at least you brought something I like. What is verbena good for?"

Severus stopped, the lid still half on the glass.

"Did you read the label?"

Confused Remus shook his head. Then it dawned on him that Severus obviously had no clue about his sharpened senses. For a second he considered keeping his secret, but it was no use.

"Werewolves have heightened sensatory capacities. Even as humans. I smelled the verbena clearly."

Then he considered something.

"How else did you think I picked up on the blood on you last night?"

For a second Severus entertained the thought, obviously annoyed that he had missed that important fact for such a long time.

"I was wondering, I have to admit that. Well. How good is your olfactory sense really? And is the intensity of the sensation subject to change, depending on the moon phase?"

Remus hadn't expected being questioned, but he answered as truthfully as he could and then rightfully named the ingredients in all the other brown jars without looking at the label or Severus opening the lid fully. Somehow Severus seemed rather pleased with this new development.

"That will be very useful during the work process. It means I can train you to pick up on reactions during brewing process much easier. The olfactory sense is extremely important for work with potions, masters take a long time to train it. You seem to have a, say, natural advantage."

Remus grinned.

"I never thought it would be useful one day."

Shrugging Severus fully opened the jar holding dried verbena and carefully let three dried branches fall on the cutting board.

"Everything is useful, sometimes we just do not it realize it immediately."

And without further commentary he launched into a lesson on cutting techniques for the ingredients prepared on the table.

They spent the following three days in that manner. Afterwards Remus knew thirty different cutting techniques and methods of preparations. He could correctly identifies tubers and roots, blossoms and leaves, knew how to properly grind seeds into powder and slice thin pieces of pistils. They worked mostly in silence, but amicably so. Remus didn't ask further questions, and Severus kept his tongue and temper in check.

But slowly Remus' work got better, and he earned a few honest compliments for his efforts. To his surprise Severus was a patient teacher, repeating things when necessary or asked, with an easy to understand way to explain things. It helped that he could and did show Remus the necessary cutting techniques first, and if necessary guided him through the process. That was maybe the biggest surprise: that the untouchable man did not shy away from physical contact when necessary in the lab. It gave Remus hope that Severus maybe wouldn't actually be as buttoned-up as he usually appeared. But then Remus never got to test his newfound knowledge further, as they hardly met outside the lab.

Until the morning of the fourth day after their nightly incident. Remus was sitting at his own desk in his comfortable rooms, repeating what he had learnt so far with the help of the Alchemy book, taking notes. He was concentrated on grinding techniques when a on his door disturbed his concentration. Surprised he put his quill down and made his way through his study into his hallway.

His surprise was even greater when he saw Severus in the door frame, apparently on his way to or from the lab. He didn't bother with unnecessary formalities.

"I would like to propose a change of course for today. You know the most important cutting techniques now, and we should move onwards. Taking inventory this morning I noticed that some ingredients are missing. I will acquire the most important one today. Considering it's a rather unusual process I thought you might want to join me."

Remus was confused and excited at the same time. Outside of the lab Severus kept talking in riddles, and Remus didn't always undertand what he was being told. Or not. But at least he was glad that could finally stop chopping. His shoulders were hurting, even though Severus constantly reminded him to keep them down.

"That sounds good to me. Where are we going?"

But Severus was already on his way down the corridor.

"Meet me at two at the portal. Wear muggle clothing."

Then he was gone, not even remotely answering Remus' question.

At exactly two Remus waited in front of the Grand Portal. Dressed in dark linen trousers and a t-shirt he considered himself to be sufficiently muggle-like looking. Severus was a few minutes late and Remus sat down on the steps, enjoying the warmth of the sun. Closing his eyes he left the rays heat up his skin.

He only opened them again when Severus' shadow stole his light. Then he blinked. It would really take him a while to get used to that kind of denim on Severus, really. How could he do that to Remus? It was unfair. On a second glance he also liked the washed-out light grey t-shirt and the lightweight black linen suit jacket Severus wore on top of it. From his shoulders an aged leather bag dangled, and Remus caught the gleam of a slim wrist watch and hint of a golden signet ring. He looked perfectly muggle and yet very much like himself. Smiling Remus stood up, nodding a greeting, and trying not to stare.

"I don't think I've ever really seen you in proper muggle fashion. Where are we going?"

He hurried to catch up with Severus who had already turned and made his way over to the forest.

"To a city with a very high percentage of muggle population, obviously. They are used to a lot there, but full robes would be too much."

Quickly they reached the outskirts of the forest, escaping the hot sun. They made their way to the small clearing in silence. On their arrival Severus threw a short controlling glance into his bag, readjusted the sleeves of his jacket and nodded. "We'll apparate into a hidden corner in a courtyard. Move away from the spot fast, it's a popular spot to apparate and there will probably be some traffic. But otherwise no need to worry, the town will be flooded with tourists and they don't care." Remus nodded, although he didn't like the idea of being apparated somewhere without knowing where they were going.

"Will you finally tell me where the hell we're going? Your mysteriousness is annoying."

Surprised Severus looked up.

"I didn't tell you? Oxford."

Then he took hold of Remus' arm and the familiar tug on his bellybutton whirled them through space.

Seconds later Remus opened his eyes standing in a corner shaded by a high-rising building behind them. The courtyard in front of them was laid out with cobble stone, and seemingly was the main hub for apparition. As soon as Remus recovered from the rather unpleasant feeling of being hauled through the air Severus pulled at his arm once more and they left their corner just in time.

Behind them a young woman wearing a skirt and blouse appeared with a soft 'plop', throwing them an disapproving glance and vanished through an archway. They followed suit.

Remus had never been to Oxford before. He had heard stories, of course, knew of the famed academic institutions, and even personally was acquainted with a selected few who had attended one of the wizarding colleges there. Back in his days a few of their schoolmates had tried to get in, but only a handful ever made it. He remembered the day an official looking owl dropped a big parchment in front of Severus' plate at the Slytherin table, and the silent triumph spreading over his bony face. Remus had been so jealous he couldn't finish his porridge. Now it was his task to help students get accepted, and he did what he could. Sometimes Hermione confessed that she wanted to apply there, sometime in the distant future. He was sure she would make it.

He himself had never had a chance. His grades were top-notch, but that didn't help. No place in the world would take on a werewolf, even a rather bright one. It had always been a sting inside him, a well placed thorn hurting occasionally.

Now he felt it again while wandering through the alleyways and streets, with the golden sandstone-buildings rising to their left and right, watching the tourists and locals wander past. Remus felt as if someone had robbed him of something, a chance he should have had and never got. He tried to ignore the feeling, and instead looked around. The town looked a bit as if someone had randomly dumped him into a historical novel.

Although he clearly wasn't alone in that novel. Hundreds of thousands of tourists made their way through the town, taking pictures, savouring the academic atmosphere. Remus was glad when Severus led them across an especially populated large street into the shadows of a small hidden alley. Remus would have loved to do a bit of sightseeing, but Severus seemed to be in a hurry.

"It's really beautiful."

Looking up the high walls of the college buildings surrounding them Remus tried to count the turrets and take in all the ornaments.

"Yes. You've never been?"

They reached the end of the alley, which opened onto a strange meadow that seemed to be completely empty.

"No. I know you studied here."

Severus stopped, and nodded. There was something in his face akin to nostalgia, and a strangely relaxed overall impression.

"At St. Aurelius, to be correct. We there, by the way."

Remus looked around, but there was, well, nothing. Only the meadow, of course. An empty meadow. Noticing his confusion Severus grinned, took a step forward and seemingly held a hand out into the empty air, slowly, as if he was reaching out to touch an invisible wall.

Which was actually exactly what he was doing. Suddenly the air above the meadow started to vibrate, and then, as if it had dropped down from the sky, a large building appeared. It was built out of the same golden sandstone the others were made of, with turrets and spires reaching into the sky, a large central tower with pinnacles, and flags hanging down in the still summer air. Severus' hand, formerly hanging in the air, was placed against one of the columns of the main entrance gate.

Remus blinked thrice, but the building was still there. Of course he knew spells to hide houses, but generally these were composed for smaller buildings. Even hiding a house like Grimmauld Place took a large amount of magic, and compared to the college Grimmauld Place was a rather smallish hut. Severus seemed to enjoy the effect the appearing building had on Remus.

"You only ever see what you know to be there."

Then he gestured for Remus to follow him through the gate. Remus did so duly, noticing the heraldic symbol above the gate, a flowering golden tree on a beautiful blue shield.

Inside the lodge next to the gate sat a tiny old man, who apparently was the porter. He looked up from behind the Daily Prophet as they entered the room, his face a like a small shriveled raisin.

"The college isn't open to - oh no, it's you."

His voice wasn't quite welcoming, but Severus only grinned.

"Good afternoon to you, too."

The porter put down the newspaper and produced a large book that opened by itself at the right place. Severus fumbled in his bag for a wallet, and produced a small plastic card that decidedly had seen better days. The man looked at it and waved for him to put it away again.

"Yes, yes. Inscribe your name. And the one of your companion."

Severus replaced the card into the wallet, dropped it into the bag and took the quill. Bending a bit down over the book he wrote his name into the top column, including the current date, and then handed the quill over to Remus. Following his example Remus wrote his own name underneath Severus', taking a short second to try to decipher the abbreviations Severus had used. He had no clue what kind of academic degrees Severus exactly held, but the added "Ph.D., Mag. Al" indicated that it was more than one. His own name seemed a bit short in comparison, but Remus did his best to chase the sad feeling away quickly.

The porter took the quill back, threw a handful of sand onto the open page, waved it away with a quick spell and closed the book. Before he returned to his newspaper he threw a last unfriendly glance at Severus.

"If I hear any complaint about you - and no magic in the quad."

Severus put his hands up mockingly.

"I am aware, Mr. Pembroke, I am aware. Also Professor Libavius can vouch for me, I believe."

Grunting something unintelligible the porter shook his head and retreated behind the paper. Remus followed Severus out of the lodge into the large representative courtyard.

"Notorious, are you?"

Severus grinned. "Pembroke has known me for a long time, I guess. St. Aurelius is well protected, and rightly so. Their libraries are world famous, and they store ingredients worth more money than the Queen owns."

Looking around Remus took a moment to enjoy the surroundings. The main courtyard was beautifully laid out, with four symmetrical small lawns arranged around a fountain. Small signs forbid sitting on the lawn - "No entry! Curse-protected!"- and the statue on top of the fountain held a trident at Remus threateningly, moving with him and following his path with its head.

"Right. This is Neptune's Quad, as you've probably figured out already considering the old man seems to be slightly suspicious of you. Here are the main libraries, the Common Rooms and the Great Hall. St. Aurelius is old, very much so, I belive older than Hogwarts Castle is. Nicholas Flames taught here, and Albus read Arithmetic here, but that was decades ago."

With determined steps Severus guided them towards an archway at the left corner of the yard, and they walked through it, reaching another smaller courtyard laid out with cobblestone.

"One of the smaller yards, where the students are housed. Faculty generally lives somewhere else." Crossing through another archway they reached another, much smaller yard. Here the buildings were new, and the windows were large and perfectly clean.

"Geber's Quad, here are the labs. St. Aurelius only teaches Alchemy and Arithmetic, so they need lots of them."

Just as Remus wanted to ask what else one could study at Oxford one of the doors opened and a young man with short brown hair marched out of it into the courtyard. He wore a lab coat and carried a book, absently minded nodding at the visitors. He had already continued several steps when he suddenly stopped and turned around again.

"Professor Snape?"

Severus stopped, turned around and nodded. The young man hurried back to them, visibly surprised, but delighted.

"Mr. Dee, I didn't expect to meet you. It's not term time, after all."

Stopping in front of them Mr. Dee smiled broadly.

"No, but the dean allowed me to use the laboratories for my research. I'm wrapping up my thesis as we speak, a fascinating thing on molecular proceedings after the extraction of willow bark has been terminalized for the third time through steam induced - but I wanted to send you an owl for ages. I read a paper of yours in the Britain Alchemical Review, and there were some points I'd like to question you about. Would you mind? I wasn't sure how busy you currently are."

Listening carefully Severus nodded.

"Ah yes, it's about time someone deals with the atomic movements in extract residue. I considered dealing with that for a while, but time is scarce. You are most welcome to owl me, I guess you know the address."

Furiously nodding Dee seemed close to bowing.

"Thank you, thank you. I don't want to disturb you longer. Oh, apologies, Sir, I forgot. I'm Arthur Dee."

Remus took the extended hand and smiled.

"Lupin, I'm currently teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts."

Dee's smile broadened.

"Ah, good old Hogwarts. Say hello to the castle from me, please. I hope you'll have a good day. Professor Lupin, Master Snape."

Almost bowing again Mr. Dee turned around and hurried off. Severus' gaze followed him, and Remus couldn't help but register the clear favour with which Severus regarded the young man. Picking up on Remus' train of thought Severus raised his palms up.

"Yes, I know. He took my Salamander level course four years ago, and achieved very good grades. It was his dream, well. He's muggleborn, that used to be a problem, and Aurelius only takes on very few students a year. He needed someone to back him, and, well. Pulled a few strings. Good to see it was the right thing."

Grinning Remus nodded.

"Don't worry, I enjoy seeing your students liking you for a change. A Slytherin?"

Severus shook his head and moved to continue their way.

"With that kind of enthusiasm? No. We haven't gotten a Slytherin into any Oxford college for a while. He's a Ravenclaw."

Remus made a mental note to remember that Severus could, in fact, be above house favoritism and then followed him through the doorway into the building. The hallways in front of them were large and brightly lit, but at the same time sterile as they would be in a public institution or a hospital. To the right and left Remus saw doors, with numbers counting upwards from one.

He followed Severus down the hallway.

They weren't even halfway down to the place where the hallway turned around a corner when they heard a door open behind them. Hurried steps down the hallway were accompanied by the sound of the door being slammed shut.

"Snape!"

Severus stopped dead in his tracks, for a short second closing his eyes and sighing inaudibly. Then he turned around very slowly.

"Morold, what a pleasant surprise."

There was a sharp undertone in his voice, indicating that it was decidedly not pleasant, and Remus turned around quickly as well.

In the middle of the hallway stood a small wizard, dressed in a frayed lab coat, hardly any older than Remus himself, but podgy and red-faced. His whole bodylanguage was aggressive and proud, even though he really wasn't very tall. Remus immediately realized that this man was the resident top-dog, and that he suddenly stood on a very old and well-worn battlefield.

"See, see, what an honourable visit. What got you here?"

Severus didn't even try to hide how annoyed he was.

"Since when are you playing porter here? Finally found something fitting to your mental capacities?"

Morold growled, slowly closing the distance between him and them.

"Apparently we do need a new one, when they let in scum as you. And here I am thinking this is a proper academic institution."

Morold's rage was obvious, and Remus was once more amazed how easily even the pure existence of Severus could drive people into heated arguments.

But Severus himself seemed to be rather bored.

"Apparently not, otherwise they wouldn't let you in. But where would you go then? I heard Harold's Hall has just been advertising scholarships for Divination. I'm sure they have a bit of space left, considering you don't need much of it."

It became hard for Remus not to grin, listening to the exchange of verbal blows that so clearly lead up to a duel. Morold seemed inches away from throwing a glove into Severus' face.

"Do I have to listen to someone like you?"

Severus threw a glance at his wrist-watch.

"No, because I am leaving now. Goodbye."

That was a rather surprising end to what could have turned into a beautiful brawl, and Remus was slightly disappointed. But Severus really did turn around and continued down the hallway, and Remus made haste to follow him. When he fell into step with Severus again he noticed that his lips were moving silently, as if he was casting a spell or counting.

Out of nowhere he suddenly held up a hand, and a curse slammed into the invisible shield behind them. Severus yelled the commentary over his shoulders.

"You're getting slow!"

Then he quickly retreated behind the corner, pulling Remus' sleeve to get him out of the danger zone. The next curse hit the wall immediately.

"Go to hell, Snape!"

A bit too pressed Morolds voice shrilled down the hallway, and it was not below Severus to yell back.

"Possum, sed nolens!"

Then Remus heard more cursing from Morold, steps, and a door being forcefully slammed close.

Shaking his head Severus cast a disapproving look at the smoking hole in the wall.

"I think I have to apologise for that."

Remus examined the hole as well, calculating the force of the curse and being slightly impressed.

"You seriously need a no-duell-rule here. What did you do to him?"

Severus nodded and continued his way down the hallway.

"Long story. Actually there is a no-duel-in-the-building-rule, just like we have in Hogwarts. But of course duels are part of academic life. Tradition wants a duel to take place in Neptune's Quad, so that everybody can watch and bet on the winner. Morold's rage is old, but I guess he's too scared to properly request a duel. Smart, actually, I lost count how many times I won against him already."

Somehow that didn't surprise Remus.

"Lots of duels in your time, right?"

Severus stopped in front of a door and grinned.

"Captain of the duel team. But it's been a while. Anyway, let me introduce you to someone far more pleasant."

The door looked just like all the others, with a large painted number 12 on it. Severus tapped it four times just below the number, and without waiting for someone to call opened it and walked in.

Remus followed him into largest state-of-the-art lab he had ever been in. It was at least double the size of Severus' private lab back in Hogwarts, just as brightly lit, but slightly differently equipped. The work tables were made out of metal, covered with cauldrons and vials. One of them served as makeshift desk, with books and notebooks strewn all over it. But that was it. There were no chairs, no shelves, nothing on the walls beside a clock directly above the door and some very strange green splatters on the ceiling.

On the work table in the middle of the room two cauldrons were bubbling on small fires. Both were made out of silver, with dark purple smoke rising into the air in synchronic intervals. Wooden spoons were stirring the potions in perfectly clocked movements.

In front of the cauldrons stood a single man, wearing a lab coat that was in even worse condition then the battered one Severus always used for work. He was tall and thin, but something about him seemed a bit hectic, and his movements lacked elegance. But there was something about the friendly face Remus instantly liked, sparkly green eyes behind thick glasses and a head full of fluffy red curls that would make a Weasely turn green with envy.

He looked up from the cauldrons and smiled.

"I knew it was you when I heard the curse crash into the wall and then someone yell latin. Did you kill anyone?"

Severus grinned. "Not this time."

Then he turned around an gestured towards Remus.

"Andreas, this is Remus Lupin, a colleague of mine. Professor Andreas Libavius, universal genius and master of potions- He currently holds a chair for work on the Opus Magnum. "

They shook hands, and Libavius smiled at Remus with the ease of a man who liked making friends and cooking proper spaghetti. His voice was pleasant, but there was a slight hint of a foreign country in it, something in the east that Remus couldn't identify. Hungary, maybe?

In the meantime Libavius turned around, brushed a stray red curl away from his face and exchanged a very strange left-handed handshake with Severus. It seemed to be something of an inside joke, but Libavius was obviously so thrilled to see Severus again that he afterwards grasped him by the shoulders and kissed him on the cheek.

"I haven't seen you in ages, hiding in your damn castle as you are. You look like shit, even by your standards. By the way, would you too think that Morold is getting old? How long did the curse need?"

Severus smiled, only slightly embarrassed by the overwhelming welcome and Remus was deeply surprised that there was a living person on the planet who could kiss Severus on the check and then tell him that he looked like shit without being instantly killed. Besides Albus. But Libavius seemed confident about his personal security, and Severus didn't look at all as if he was about to kill anyone, which was another surprise in its own right.

"Eleven seconds, you should challenge him to test my theory. What are you working on?"

Libavius returned to his cauldrons.

"Without you as my second? I don't know. And this, well, nothing you care for, spagyrian that you are. You know, the Opus and such."

Suddenly the soft ting of a bell rang through the lab.

"Oh, I need to freeze the cauldrons. Wait, while you're here, can you help me? It's faster together. They are at eighty, falling, I need twenty-five, falling as well. Not a half more, preferably less. Sectator fervesco, but I don't need to tell you."

Severus rolled his eyes, but put his bag on the floor and walked over to the working table.

"If it ruins my jacket you'll have to buy me new one."

Libavius nodded.

"Sure. Or you can have my wife, you know, Mag has always been very fond of you. But I'll keep the kid. Align your magic with mine, it's more precise."

Amazed Remus watched both men tapping their left palms together for a second, and then simultaneously bend over the cauldrons. They said nothing, but whatever they did was perfectly synchronic. The fires slowly died down, and the smoke intervals lessened and lessened until there was nothing left and both cauldrons suddenly, with a soft sound, froze over.

Libavius glanced first at one cauldron and then into the other before he tapped his palm against Severus' once more.

"Splendid. Why don't you come more often? I could use you as a back-up all the time, it's wonderful to use your magic as reservoir. Haven't done that in a while. And your jacket is very much intact, you peacock. What happened to your wrist? I know you won't tell me, but you really need to take better care of yourself."

A bit huffed Severus brushed invisible dust off his collar and then skillfully ignored the half of the question.

"If they find someone else to keep my Slytherins from setting fire to the castle I'll be here right away. Not very likely, through."

Libavius shook his head and unbuttoned his lab coat, revealing that he wore a green t-shirt underneath that was slightly stained and clashed badly with his hair colour. He turned to Remus in mock despair.

"What is it with that Hogwarts thing? I never understood, really. Are you from there? I'm from Prague, you know. I just went to school, nothing special, got my education and came here. But you have that boarding school castle-thingy, and I don't understand it. It must be something beyond scarves and dorms, right? Have you been there?"

That explained the faint accent. Remus grinned. "I actually went there together with Severus."

With faked surprised Libavius spun around on his heel. "People who went to school with you still talk to you? I can't imagine. Anyway, then maybe you can explain me what this Hogwarts thing is."

With sudden confidentiality he leaned in.

"You must know that when we were in our second year Severus got in a fight with someone. Now, that's nothing special, he got in fights with everybody all the time. Looking for it, always. But this guy, a master student, stood up and in front of everybody declared him to be a, uh, well, a gay Gryffindor. And what happens? Our Severus challenges him, because, he says, he won't let anybody call him a Gryffindor. Neptune's Quad, six in the morning, all that jazz. We thought, well, that's it, they are going to kill our genius, let's go and pick a coffin. Did we know that all you do in your Hogwarts is duel practise? No. Dear Saint Ivo, what a mess that was. Look at the holes above the lodge, it was a spectacle."

Remus did have an idea how that could have looked like, and he enjoyed seeing that Libavius was still scandalized by the incident. Severus only shook his head.

"Sstop telling fairy tales. That was ages ago."

Holding up his palms Libavius shook his head.

"Only the truth, that's all. Nobody dared to mess with you afterwards, well, me being the exception, of course."

Displaying a hint of theatrical despair Severus rolled his eyes.

"I wonder what mistake I made there."

Smiling Libavius nodded. "Let's discuss that at my house sometime soon, with dinner. Mag sends her love, and Ezra hates you for being absent for so long. He tried to talk me into flying with him for weeks, but you know, me and brooms, I'd rather not kill my child that quickly. So, come along, bring a broom, stop my son from eating my ears off."

Severus groaned and tried to say something, but Libavius was faster. He seemed to be a chatty person, and not for the first time Remus wondered how on earth he and Severus had become companions. They seemed completely incompatible, but it was very clear that they were comfortable around each other, and Remus was amazed at how easily they had linked their magic. They must have worked together in the past, and rather thoroughly so.

"Anyway, why are you here? You rarely show up these days, no matter how many lovestruck letters I send you."

Looking slightly guilty Severus nodded.

"Yes, I know. Too much work, I'll try to make up for it. Anyway, do you have Hyle for me?"

Surprised Libavius raised an eyebrow.

"Hyle? Of course I have Hyle, I always do, and you've just been here two month ago asking for exactly that. What, I wonder, can a man of your profession want that much Hyle for?"

Severus tried to answer, but Libavius was quicker once more.

"Oh, but I have a suspicion, a bad one. Tell me you won't."

He took a step towards Severus, hands on his hips. Remus was confused, but he didn't have to wait long.

"What? No, I don't even know what you're talking about."

But Libavius was slightly enraged, taking another step towards Severus until they stood an arm's length away from each other.

"Wolfsbane! I know it! You've gone crazy."

In a beautiful display of acting skills Severus looked utterly confused.

"Wolfsbane? What are you talking about? I'm not brewing wolfsbane. Why should I do that?"

But Libavius was sufficiently shocked and launched into a monologue.

"Because you're a crazy spagyrian, and you're bored and I know you. Hyle! Hyle is needed to for the Opus Magnum and things like that, but what does someone like you do with Hyle? You're not dabbling with the Opus, I know you well, so what can it be? Wolfsbane! You know what happens when you brew things beyond your capacity!"

Slightly offended Severus crossed his arms in front of his chest, but Remus got his question in faster.

"What happens?"

Libavius whipped around.

"Do you know a thing or two about potions? Yes? Great."

Remus was quite sure he hadn't nodded or given any other sign of affirmation, but Libavius didn't care.

"So, a lot of the brewing process actually happens inside one's head. Of course we're properly trained and everything, but that's only the top layer. Every complicated potion needs added magic, and it takes a lot, and the master never gains it back. Hyle requires an especially high amount of added energy, and only few masters work with it all. You can't do that too often! Flamel went all the way through with the Opus, rumours say Dumbledore did it once, but nobody ever did it twice."

Without patience Severus interrupted the flood of words.

"The Opus is a completely different thing. Wolfsbane is lower ranked, and Belb - "

He didn't get far, now being interrupted himself by Libavius, who with extravagant gestures worth of a conductor threw his hands in the air.

"Belby blew the whole building up! And himself, of course. Bang, everything gone!"

Remus was taken by surprise at the sudden outburst of emotion. Severus, however, was apparently used to his colleague's emotional moments.

"Calm down. Belby was old, he might have made a mistake, nobody knows."

Taking his hands down again Libavius combed them through his curls.

"Because there was nothing left! And you don't even have a lab for that in Hogwarts, if I remember correctly."

Severus' nod was strangely encouraging.

"That's correct, the lab in Hogwarts isn't safe enough for something like that. No, I'm just playing around a bit. It's been a while since I worked with Hyle, and you know I can't make it myself."

Still suspicious, but slightly calmer Libavius watched him. Then he sighed.

"You know I'd do almost everything for you, damn you."

Then he turned, and briskly walked out of the door. Severus exhaled visibly when he was gone, but shook his head when Remus opened his mouth. They waited in silence for a short moment. When Libavius returned he carried a small leather pouch.

"Pure Hyle, ready to be fed with work of the lower ranks. I feel like lecturing you on safety measures, but I recall that you passed the master exam with distinction and know all these things. Though I still cringe at the idea of you working with Hyle. You're brilliant, everybody knows that, but your work on Hyle was always lacking."

Severus took the pouch and it vanished into his leather bag. Another bell rang in the background, and Libavius cast a glance at his cauldrons.

"I guess I can't make you stay and supply some of your magic? No? What about a two-hour-temperature-guard?"

Severus smiled like a cat that had just avoided being killed by a too fast and very expensive sportscar.

"No, we need to return to Hogwarts today. I owe you, request whatever you please as long as it's not a temperature-guard right now. You'll see my owl next week."

Shaking his head Libavius placed a hand on Severus shoulder, seemingly not wanting him to leave just yet.

"Tell the damn bird to take the right window, the left one isn't really working anymore. And don't always send the bird, show yourself around here more often. Aurelius is devoid of smart people ever since you left, and time flies so fast. In two years they'll be looking for a spagyrian to fill Ashmole's chair, and you're qualified. Get a grip and come back. They don't really need you at that castle, and you know it."

Then he sighed.

"But I know you won't listen, you never do."

For a moment something like deep regret was visible on Severus face, but it was quickly gone again.

"Yes, I know. I expect things to change, maybe even soon. We will see. Don't blow Aurelius up in the meantime, kiss your wife from me, challenge Morold and please don't try to make that horrible stone."

Libavius grinned.

"Mag will love receiving a kiss from you, that's for sure. I'll owl you with dinner plans."

Severus nodded, held up a hand in a final greeting, and motioned for Remus to leave. They were already out of the door when Libavius called Severus back once more.

"Sev?"

Severus returned, glancing back though the already half-closed door. "Yes?"

Remus heard the Libavius sigh.

"Please be careful."

Severus nodded, closed the door and Remus followed him down the hallway. Without any incidents or unsavoury meetings they left the building, crossed the large Quad where Remus indeed noticed holes in the tower above the portals, crossed their name out of the big book and suddenly stood outside the college. Behind them the large building seemed to quiver for a second, and then only an empty meadow remained.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 19/9/2014 (updated 23/9/2015)

_Possum, sed nolens - I could, but I don't want to_


	8. What a man can do

**What a man can do (and what a man can't do)**

Remus examined the empty meadow once more, but there was no sign of any wizarding college or any other kind of building. Severus followed his gaze and understood quickly.

"Veiling magic, and one of the finest examples. The idea of hiding Grimmauld Place came to Albus because of St. Aurelius. He's a clever man, our headmaster. It was impressive to see him coming up with the idea and decoding the necessary spells. And, of course, casting them. Though he didn't do that alone. We should move, people might wonder."

Remus couldn't help but agree - it was strange to see two grown man stare at a meadow. Together they entered the maze of narrow alleys again.

"Albus didn't do it on his own?"

Severus shook his head, leading them around a corner.

"No, of course not. He is powerful, but tying a spell to a single person is difficult and an unnecessary risk. What happens if he dies, does Grimmauld Place simply reappear on the map? The veil is tied to a few people, mostly Order members."

There mere idea that someone had planned for Albus' death made Remus stomach churn.

"Who are the others?"

Severus seemed a bit irritated.

"It used to be kept secret, although it is rather obvious - Albus, Minerva, me, a few others outside of Hogwarts."

Remus couldn't help but stop.

"The spell protecting Grimmauld Place is tied to you?"

Disapprovingly Severus clicked his tongue and waved him to move on. "Of course it is not tied to me alone, if you would care to listen. I helped decode a few spells and Minerva did the transcribing work to adjust them to the house. We cast them together."

Considering Severus had just a few days ago claimed to not even be a full member of the Order it was a bit surprising to know that he helped to protect their headquarters. Sirius wouldn't like that at all, having Severus' magic all over his house. Remus couldn't help but grin and picture the tantrum he would throw - which maybe was one of the reasons why the origins of the magical veil had been kept secret. Albus Dumbledore was indeed a clever man.

Then his mind returned to their current surroundings. They stood at the edge of the busy street they had just crossed. Above them the bells were ringing, a cacophony of sound indicating it was three in the afternoon.

"I guess we still have some time. I could offer you a quick tour around town, if you wish. Considering you've never been here."

Surprised by the sudden display of what other people would call amibility and in Severus looked more like a mental blackout Remus nodded, and then allowed Severus to continue leading him through the town, pointing out libraries and famous colleges, chapels and beautiful courtyards. Well versed in the history of the town and colleges Severus inserted a few dates into his explanations, but also told small anecdotes here and there, sometimes hesitantly revealing information about his days spent as a student. These small bits and pieces of information were what Remus appreciated most. He was curious to glance into a way of life so different from his own that yet still had let down a path not so much unlike to where he was now.

They ended their tour in front of a round library building, and Severus glanced at his wrist-watch.

"Considering that was more history than you expected you probably deserve a break. And answers to the questions you will have. What about a visit to a café?"

For a short moment Remus wondered who had drugged Severus, and why they couldn't do it more often. Minutes later they walked into a small café with a distinctive european charm, it's window full with intriguing pastries, cakes, scones, tea cakes and french delicacies. It was hot, but Remus couldn't dismiss his growling stomach.

They found a small table in a remote corner and ordered. Severus only requested tea and Remus decided on a small raspberry pastry. Quickly they were served with a large silver tea-pot, delicate cups and saucers and a small plate with Remus' sweets. Severus poured tea for both of them.

"What tea is that?" Remus had allowed Severus to pick a variety of Earl Grey without having any idea what it might be. He couldn't imagine that there would be any kind of Earl Grey he didn't like. This particular version was strong but somehow soft with a flowery taste in the background.

Opening the lid of the pot Severus pointed at the tea leaves in the sieve.

"Cornflower, it's added to the usual Earl Grey mixture. A rare blend, I only know very few places that stock it. There's a tea merchant in Paris selling it. My father used to have it, one of the few things he actually had a good taste in."

Remus nodded, took another sip and then occupied himself with his pastry. Severus in the meantime leant back in the chair, crossing his long legs and took inventory of the café. The hint of nostalgia was back in his facial expression, and a certain amount of sadness in his demeanour. Apparently his days in Oxford had been good times for him, better than his current life was. Remus couldn't blame him for disappearing into memories. He had always believed that they all were far too firmly stuck in their respective past, a distant country shrouded in nostalgia - but also that for Severus that very past had not been quite as sunshine-bright as Remus own memories were.

Finally the raspberries were gone, and with his inherent courtesy Severus refilled Remus' cup before he poured his own tea. Placing down the delicate cup he leant back.

"Well. Ask me."

Remus brushed the crumbs of his hands.

"The most pressing question first: how come Andreas Libavius is still alive? He doesn't seem, well, like the kind of person you'd get along with."

If Remus was completely honest Libavius had seemed like the first person Severus would kill if given the chance. Too cheerful and far too caring.

"You are certainly not the first one to wonder. We were lab partners in our first year, he was the first person I met at St. Aurelius. He failed at a difficult calculation, brewed a volatile mixture and nearly killed me when his cauldron containing mostly acid exploded. The same day I redid the basic work for him while he picked the metal shards out of my arm. It stayed like that for the next four years. I guess he just decided to endure me for some very obscure reason or two, but mostly because he used to suck at calculations."

Remus had no idea what a student lab would look like, but he could easily imagine the red-haired potions master blowing up a gigantic cauldron with acid. And the ensuing shouting match. But somehow he could also imagining it falling into place, and it brought him back to his own school days and the closeness he had felt with his best friends. Somehow he liked the idea of knowing that Libavius was a person who would pick remains of exploded cauldrons out of Severus' flesh when necessary. Though he himself was glad that his friends rarely threw hot metal shards or acid at him, even if accidentally.

"I can picture it. He seemed very likable. Did you blow up a lot of things?"

Severus sipped his tea and nodded.

"You practically do nothing else the first years. Alchemy is a dangerous thing, in general, but Lib and me ran some rather insane experiments and had all kinds of, ah, incidents. It was a good time. But you wanted to know more about Oxford."

Actually Remus would have loved to hear more about insane experiments, but he had a distant idea that Severus wouldn't be too fond of giving away even more information.

"Yes, of course. So, St. Aurelius only teaches Alchemy and Arithmetic? Nothing else?"

Severus nodded. "Yes, but St. Aurelius is only one of four wizarding colleges in Oxford. Harold's Hall teaches Divination and other rather obscure things, St. Magarets is specialized on Transformation Spells, and Waugh Colleges teaches Magical History and Culture. Every college resides in its own buildings, tucked away somewhere convenient. I've been to Waugh and Maggies, but never to Harold's. The Aurelians consider themselves to be scientists and Harold's Hall to be rather strange and not teaching anything properly scientific. Aurelius is the only college with a close cooperation with the Muggle Colleges, which gives it a special place. There are beautiful joint courses, but it was very difficult to find acceptance for them amongst the magical population. Especially the pureblood-idiots were sceptic. Of course they are missing out, but they don't see it that way."

He reached for his cup.

"Are there many pure-blooded students here? You mentioned something earlier."

Remus couldn't remember the name, but Severus nodded and replaced his cup once more without drinking from it.

"Back in my days yes. It's changing, slowly, but it's still an issue. There are more scholarships now, luckily, but we still have a long way to go. Hopefully this war will be over soon, and we can finally move on from these idiotic ideas."

Promptly new and different questions rose in Remus head, mostly how a wizard bearing the Dark Mark could call his master's idea idiotic and survive - but he kept them for later.

"Right. Next question. Why didn't Libavius know that you are brewing Wolfsbane and have been doing so for a year now? Why is that a secret? Aren't you missing out on honour and stuff?"

It seemed that Severus abandoned the idea of getting enough time to sip on his tea anytime soon.

"Wolfsbane is complicated, and that is true far beyond the basic mechanics of brewing it. When Albus gave me orders to work on it neither he nor I thought the experiments would ever yield results. There was basically nothing known on it, and what existed was mostly wrong. Nobody had worked on it for a long time, as it wasn't very prestigious. And it is deemed to be one of the most dangerous potions out there, labeled one of the impossible ones. That's nonsense, of course. It's absolutely possible, but it took a damn lot of work to get it there. And yes, it is dangerous. Which is why I still don't think you should brew it. But it seems that it's not up to me to decide on that."

Severus was silent for a moment and then continued. "There's nothing to say beyond that."

Sipping his own tea Remus nodded. "And the honour? Seems to me you could gain quite a reputation if you brewed one of the impossible potions, just like that."

With a snort Severus leant back in his chair and folded his arms in front of his chest.

"If you think it's 'just like that' you should get the hell out of my lab."

Then he dropped his voice, just a little, so that only Remus could hear him.

"And what do you think would happen if I published a book on the Wolfsbane? Oh yes, fame and glory, all mine. The order, however, would be one member down."

Slowly the pieces in Remus' mind connected.

"Because somebody would figure out that there is actual need for it. My cover would be in danger."

Severus nodded. "Of course. But beyond that you should be aware that Albus is not the only one who wants the Wolfsbane. There is hardly any potion out there that is that dangerous - not because it is difficult, but because of its implication. Knowledge itself can be power. Do not forget that."

Remus looked at the crumbs on his plate and followed his thoughts down logical but dark pathways.

"Is that why you don't want me to learn how to brew it?"

For a second he saw appreciation for his sly reasoning in Severus' face. "Interesting, but no. Albus knows the formula, and precisely for that very reason. And there is another copy of it that will go to Libavius once I'm dead, putting the potion into capable hands and ensuing that it will be used for the very purpose it was made for as soon as this chaos is over."

Apparently Albus wasn't the only one in Hogwarts planing for his demise. But there was something in Severus' low voice, still barely above a whisper, that reminded Remus of the night in the corridor. Dying for Severus was not a distant option, but rather something already on the horizon. Remus opened his mouth to say something, but Severus interrupted him, returning to his usual volume.

"Spare me. Anything else?"

Remus gritted his teeth. He hated being cut off, but it seemed that he wouldn't get anywhere now. And Severus was not a man open for discussion. But then maybe it would make more sense to keep their private conversation to private spaces. Or opium dens.

"Yes. Two more questions: what exactly is this Hyle you got from Libavius, and what is - spa - I forgot the full word."

Absent-minded tapping the table with his fingers Severus nodded.

"Right. Quick answer to the latter on: Spagyric is the branch of Alchemy dealing with healing potions. Also the branch I'm specialised in, and you might already have picked up that it isn't the most fancy field of Alchemy. Spagyric is a rather thankless task, requiring much patience and precision, but not yielding immortal fame or money. Libavius tends to mock me, but he works on the Opus Magnum which of course is the golden boy of Alchemy, the thing for which there is money, projects, scholarships. But Spagyric is a beautiful subject, and Paracelsus once claimed that it is the highest rank of Alchemy possible."

Somehow Remus thought it strangely fitting that Severus would specialise in healing potions. Doing something good after causing so much harm, maybe? Or rather true fascination? From everything he had learned about the way Severus worked patience and precision sounded at lot like him. At least as long as only ingredients and no living beings were involved.

"So I wasn't only lucky to find a potions master at Hogwarts but even one with a specialisation in healing potions?"

Shrugging Severus nodded. "I guess you could say that. On to Hyle, which is a bit more complicated to explain. Hyle is alchemical matter on the preliminary stage before it becomes Materia Prima, also called Sol Niger. Materia Prima is the basis for the Opus Magnum, which you'd call the philosophers' stone. I'll not go into depth here, but these are the basic ideas. You're still with me?"

Remus nodded, sorting through Severus' sentences in his mind.

"Good, then here's the complicated thing: Hyle is primordial alchemical matter, in concentrated form. Which basically means that it is concentrated Nothing, and only so-called work can transform it into something. Hyle is the basic ingredient for a few things, mostly complicated and highly potent potions, and Wolfsbane is one of them. That in itself is very rare, because spagyric work usually doesn't require Hyle. Anyway, Hyle is highly reactive, but in itself completely neutral. It only changes and takes on shape when energy and potency in form of magic is supplied to it from the outside. That makes working with it slightly dangerous and taxing, because it functions like a sponge and drains everything from the master. The only thing even more complicated is making Hyle, because it is created out of nothingness. The quality of Hyle is highly dependent on the magic of its creator."

Somehow Remus felt like taking notes while listening to the spontaneous lecture. He would need to look these things up in his Alchemy book back at Hogwarts, but he understood the basic ideas. The only question Severus hadn't answered was why he wasn't creating Hyle himself - did it have something to do with the security of his Hogwarts lab?

But before Remus could ask Severus had emptied his teacup, glanced at his watche and made motions for them to leave.

"It's already five, we should return. I do have work today."

Somehow Severus always seemed to have work, but Remus only nodded, and while he drank up his remaining tea he didn't even have a chance to pay his half of the bill. Standing outside the café he searched for his own wallet, but Severus refused to be reimbursed.

"I do not take money from people."

Surprised Remus shrugged and smiled. He wasn't one to turn down an invitation, but maybe that had something to do with the fact that he was eternally broke and half-starving. Following Severus back along the busy main road he took in his surroundings once more. He was fairly certain he would find the way back to meadow, should it become necessary one day.

When they arrived back at the public apparition corner Remus almost felt a pang of not wanting to leave. Severus always seemed much more relaxed the further away from Hogwarts they got, and he wasn't quite ready to get the sour-silent potions master back.

"Thanks for the tour. And weren't we lucky with the weather?"

Severus nodded, sorting through his leather bag quickly, apparently looking for something.

"Yes, especially since the Prophet announced thunderstorms for today. Oxford is beautiful in this light, but it can get really dreary in winter, with the slush and rain. But then I guess there's no place where rain is beautiful."

Nodding Remus agreed, and stepped into the apparition corner. He was glad that he could apparate back on his own. He prefered being in control about his own whereabouts, and unlike most wizards his skills in apparition were solid and had never failed him.

Seconds later he stood on the small clearing inside the Forbidden Forest, and immediately felt the rain falling down on him. He moved just in time to give Severus space to appear next to him and couldn't help but grin at the other's disappointed face.

"Maybe it wouldn't have rained if you hadn't mentioned the weather."

To Remus' surprise Severus took well to being teased and only frowned.

"I can assure you that divination isn't my strong side. Let's go before we're wet to the bone."

But there was no chance to stay dry in that weather. They must have missed the thunderstorm by minutes, but the strong rain poured down even more the further they came towards the outskirts of the forest. When they reached the final line of trees both were wet to their skin, and they stopped underneath a large beech tree with a thick crown providing at least a bit of shelter.

Remus felt the cold on his back, the rain seeping through his thin t-shirt. The oppressive heat of the past days suddenly seemed to have made way for a rather typical british summer, wet and cool. Severus seemed to be a bit warmer, wearing one layer more with a jacket over his t-shirt. He didn't seem to feel cold, staring out into the rain and absently minding snapping the fingers of his left hand, producing a small green flame that went out again immediately.

Snap, flame, flame out. Snap, flame, flame out.

Until Remus couldn't help himself any longer.

"Merlin, stop it already, you're driving me crazy. Your fidgeting is not going to make the rain stop, we'll have to wait for a bit longer. What did you say about patience?"

Rolling his eyes Severus crammed his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

"I don't have patience for standing around. Wasting time is a sin."

Remus shook his head disapprovingly.

"Then do something useful. Teach me how the flame thing works, for example."

Pulling his left hand out Severus snapped his fingers again, and the green flame appeared. "This one?" The flame went out again.

"Yes, that one. Can I learn that?"

Severus shrugged. "It's just a small trick. Have you never tried it before?" Remus shook his head again.

"I thought everyone tries it once when they are around fifteen and think they are cool. Though it doesn't work for most, some people just can't perform wandless magic. It helps if someone tells you how to do the mental part."

"Who taught you?"

It took Severus a while to answer, his gaze once more lost in the rain.

"It was long ago."

They stood in silence for a moment, rain still falling without pause.

"So, can I learn it?"

Apparently Severus' thoughts had been everywhere but not close to their tree. He needed a solid minute before he focused on Remus again.

"If you've never done wandless magic I don't know. Some people just can't channel their magic without a wand or are not powerful enough. But usually it's visible in your magical signature. It's useful to check there, because you won't waste time teaching someone who'll never be able to do it anyway."

That made sense. It probably also saved people from frustration.

"The magical signature is what makes tracing spells back to wizards possible, if I remember correctly. How can you read that?"

"There's more to it. It does show the general configuration of your magic, which is why it is unique to each magical being. A lot of things are already fixed, from the intensity and power of your magic to the channels through which you can access and guide it. Traces can be found in spells, but in its totality it can only be read inside the person which owns it."

Somehow Remus didn't like the idea of that.

"So you look inside someone, with a legilimens or something?"

Being read like a sheet of paper held up to the light wasn't high on his list of things he wanted to do in his life. Severus seemed appalled.

"Do you know anything about Legilimency at all? Apparently not. A legilimens opens up the view on the conscious level of the mind, on a person's thoughts. The magical signature is much deeper, on a subconscious level."

Relived that it had nothing to do with Legilimency Remus relaxed.

"And how do you read that?"

Severus still looked as if he were reprimanding a particularly stupid first year.

"It displays itself most easily when tempted with something like a bait, though you can learn to allow it to unfold. The catch is that one can never understand one's own signature. Seen from the outside it can be analyised rather easily, though."

Remus' grinned. "A bait? Like you catch mice with cheese?"

"More like 'Show me yours, I'll show you mine.'" Severus' voice was dry as a bone, but there was some amusement in his eyes.

"And can you do that, look at my signature and tell me if I can do wandless magic?"

Severus nodded, and Remus was suitably impressed.

"Who teaches you all that obscure stuff?"

For a second Severus seemed a bit taken aback, but then he shook his head.

"Trust me if I say that you do not want the answer to that question."

For another moment he looked out into the rain that seemed to cease just a bit. Then he turned fully to Remus.

"It would be useful, because you will need to work on wandless magic if you want to learn how to brew properly. That is going to be quite some work for you, but there's no way around it."

Curious as always Remus nodded. It sounded too fascinating to turn the opportunity down.

"Sure, we'll be standing around here for a while anyway. And if it's necessary, why not now?"

Shrugging Severus raised his left hand.

"Usually some sort of body contact is needed, in generally just touching hands works fine. You are really sure?"

Already raising his hand Remus halted. "Can anything happen?"

"No, it's completely harmless. But I meant to ask Minerva to do it with you, it would have been more pleasant for you. As I said, if I want to read your signature I have to show you mine."

Shrugging Remus placed his palm against Severus'. His skin was cool from the rain, but not as ice-cold as it had been days ago in the corridor.

"And can I read yours?"

Severus shook his head. "Since you do not know what you look for - no. But you'll feel it."

Smiling Remus searched for his eyes. "That does sound slightly indecent." To his surprise Severus grinned for a second.

"It is strange to be wrapped into someone else's power. Anyway. Just close your eyes and relax, there's nothing to see in any case. Control your breathing and let it happen. Remember that you cannot control anything."

Remus nodded, suddenly feeling his heartbeat speeding up. As Severus had ordered him to he closed his eyes, concentrated on his breathing, listening to the rain around them and feeling Severus' hand pressed to his own palm.

At first nothing happened. But then the sound of the rain seemed to fade out slowly, and where the contact to Severus' skin had been something else was. Severus' physical presence seemed to grow and unfold, his body dissolving slowly.

For a second Remus felt as if he couldn't breath properly. He felt wrapped into a field of pure power, as if he would be blinded by a strong light if he would open his eyes. But he kept them firmly closed, feeling the hairs in his neck and on his arms rise.

It was as if he could swim through the magic around him, move in the heat and light, absolutely weightless. It took a while longer until he felt the undertow, something moving inside this pool of blinding light, something dark and powerful. It seemed to live just below the surface, rippling invisible waves, and Remus knew that it was some kind of very old and dark magic, intricate patterns swirling, tempting, tightly controlled. There was something like a strong current, but as strong as the undertow was he didn't feel endangered by it. His inner eye looked at it calmly, his breathing still controlled.

And then, out of nowhere, he felt something inside him stir, reacting to the power wrapped around him. It was a small spark at first, but it grew at an extraordinary pace, suddenly surrounding him. At the same time the pool of light he felt himself swimming in retreated, tempting his inner spark to grow further and replace it. For a second he shivered at the void, but then he felt his own power taking over, surrounding him. He moved in his own light with the same ease as before, but just as he felt completely at home once more he realized that now, too, something else was there. Just below the surface, below the light something dark lived, tingeing the light with blackness. It took Remus a few seconds, but then he saw the wolf, clearing moving, black against the bright background, for all eternity entangled with his magic. His own void, a soft undertow, always there.

He was surprised at the power of his own light, the way it perfectly wrapped around him, soft and just as protecting as he had felt before.

Then he felt it shrinking again, returned into its former hidden state, and all that remained was the sound of the pounding rain, suddenly loud again in his ears. For a moment all Remus did was standing there, breathing as controlled as he could, feeling Severus' hand in his own.

He only opened his eyes again when Severus drew back his hand, but it took a long time until Remus could speak. His head was dizzy. Around them nothing had changed.

"That was - impressive."

He wasn't sure how to phrase it, but Severus, his hands again in his pockets, nodded.

"Always is, though the feeling changes depending on who does it. Albus uses signature reading for a variety of things, and it never ceases being rather intense."

Now that was something Remus could imagine. Or not. How would it feel to be wrapped into the power of one of the strongest wizards of all time? Blinding, probably. And warm.

"Is his magic as pure as I imagine?"

But to Remus surprise Severus shook his head. "No, nobody's really is. Everybody has a dark spot, somewhere. Hardly anybody is fully dark, though."

Remus thought of the darkness he had felt in Severus' magic, the ancient power underneath the surface. And then something in his mind clicked.

"What you said about Hyle earlier, and how it's pureness depends on the magic of its creator -"

Severus seemed impressed. "Yes?"

Searching for words to phrase what he was thinking without inflicting hurt Remus needed a moment.

"You can't create Hyle because it wouldn't be pure?"

Satisfied Severus nodded. "Good thinking. Yes. Soiled magic doesn't create pure things. Power isn't anything in this world. There are things you cannot solve with it."

Remus desperately wanted to ask the one question burning in his mind, but he couldn't. Instead he went for something else he had noticed.

"You said you wanted Minerva to read my signature because it would be more pleasent. I don't know what you mean, tough. It didn't feel unpleasent."

Still glancing into the rain Severus seemed surprised. "It did not?"

"No, not at all. It felt rather familiar."

Apparently that was not an answer Severus had expected.

"How unusual."

But he didn't elaborate and fell silent again, staring out into the rain while Remus tried to sort through everything he felt without really getting anywhere.

Finally Severus broke the silence.

"You should be able to perform wandless magic, by the way."

Excited Remus pulled his thoughts back into reality. "Really?"

"Yes. Theoretically your magic should lend itself easily to it. You are more powerful than I thought."

Flattered Remus smiled. He had never thought of himself being a powerful wizard - there were others around him being far stronger. But his magic had never failed him, not in daily use nor in battle. It seemed unnecessary, but that there was a chance for wandless magic delighted him. There had never been an impetus for him for work on his magic, not beyond what school and life had taught him. But now he was surrounded by competent wizards and witches, and half the faculty performed wandless magic or other complicated spells without a thought. From flying marmelade jars to Sirius turning into Padfoot just like that, Remus was surrounded by demonstrations of what they could do.

"And you can teach me?"

But Severus shook his head. "No. I can tell you how it works, but you'll have to practise. It's like apparating, you have to get it yourself to really do it."

That hardly did anything to slow Remus' enthusiasm. Apparating had never been difficult to him.

"Great, so, go ahead."

Rolling his eyes Severus removed his hands from his pockets. He snapped once, and the green flame appeared.

"This is a basic Incendere, nothing special. But instead of using your wand to control the energy and channel the magic you use your hands. It's doesn't matter if you snap your fingers or not, by the way. Wandless magic is highly individual, you have to find something that works for you. Lucius used his index finger and imagined it was a wand. I learned it tied to the audio-visual cue of snapping, but that was a long time ago."

Remus examined his index finger. "That could work, but snapping your fingers is much cooler, of course. Can you do it without it?"

Severus nodded, closed his hand to a fist and opened it, his palm turned upwards and flat. The small flame hovered above it, steady regardless of the rain. Closing his fist again he motion to Remus to try it himself.

Waving his index finger Remus tried to think of the Incendere while not feeling to stupid. The first and second time nothing happened, but the third time he felt a tingling sensation in his hands.

"Is tingling a good sign? And doesn't the flame hurt?" He tried it again, but no flame appeared.

"I guess so." Severus snapped his fingers, looked critically at the flame, and then let it disappear again. "Yes, there might be a tingle. Never thought about that before. But why should the flame hurt? The tip of your wand doesn't burn either."

That made sense. "But how does it feel if it doesn't burn?"

Severus shrugged, but then grinned. "Do it again." Duly Remus performed the movement, and the second he was done and said "Incendere" Severus snapped his finger and in a quick movement placed the flame on top of Remus fingertip.

Surprised Remus stared at his burning finger. Slowly the flame changed it's colour from green to gold, but it stayed steady and firm. Very carefully Remus moved his finger, and then realized that he could change the intensity and height of the flame. But all the time his hands tingled like mad, and finally he couldn't stand the sensation any longer and with a silent "Finite" the flame was gone.

"So the magic is there, you simply lack control. Just practise, it'll work one day."

Fascinated Remus examined his finger, which obviously wasn't burnt in the slightest.

"Amazing. How long do you think I'll have to work?"

Severus shrugged. "Might take a while. The rain is getting less."

He was right, and seconds later they left their shelter underneath the tree and made their way down the wet path towards the castle. They reached the Grand Portal in silence. Remus was thinking further plans to practise wandless magic through, and what was going on in Severus' mind was indecipherable as always.

Halfway up the stairs they were greeted by Sirius coming out of the castle.

"Remus! I've been looking for you, but nobody knew where you went. I just returned for a night. Where did you go?"

He cast a disapproving glance at Severus who was tagging behind a bit.

"And since when do you keep such a bad company?"

Remus basically felt Severus roll his eyes, but apparently he wasn't in the mood for a fight. Passing by Remus with only a curt nod he ignored Sirius completely and walked through the Great Portal where he vanished. Remus contemplated telling Sirius about his attempts at wandless magic, but decided against it the very last minute. It seemed like a good thing to work on alone, and then to be used to impress his friend. Already feeling the warmth of his victory he patted Sirius on the shoulder, and together they climbed the stairs towards his private rooms so Remus could change into something a bit more dry. And maybe enjoy a glass of Firewhiskey. After all the liquor was well known to help against any cold one might possibly catch.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 29/9/2014 (edited 9/10/2015)

_Paracelsus (1493 - 1541) called the making of healing medicines the true purpose of Alchemy, replacing what he called the "rude pursuit for gold" with the more noble idea of helping and healing. Spagyric is greek, roughly meaning "to separate and combine", which hints to the fact that basic procedures of spagyric work take plants apart and then combine them anew to produce medical effects. That didn't stop Paracelsus from becoming the founding father of the branch of chemistry called Toxicology today. He also came up with the name for zinc and the basic idea that some illnesses could be rooted in psychological issues. Clever man, but turned very bitter at the end of his life. His personality is also described as very stubborn, independent and arrogant. Rumour also has it that he came up with one of the first painkillers, laudanum, but that has never been proven. His personal motto was said to be "Alterius non sit qui suus esse potest" - "No man should belong to another when he but belongs to himself". Maybe he's Severus' personal patron saint? _


	9. No room for innocence

**No room for innocence**

With Sirius back in Hogwarts breakfast turned into a longer affair. It just didn't seem logic to Sirius that he should hurry just because Remus wanted to lock himself up in a laboratory with the most unsavoury person in the whole castle.

"Damn it, Remus, stop it. It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, the bloody birds are humming their horrific tunes and there are fresh muffins for breakfast. I'm not going to let you leave for the library or your desk just yet. Far too early! And look, there are Albus and Minerva."

Annoyed Remus put his mug down and fiercely threw another spoon of sugar into his tea.

"You have no idea what you're talking about. This wolfsbane thing is hideously complicated, I swear."

Shrugging Sirius helped himself to another muffin.

"At least it keeps the bat in the dungeons and far away from me, that's all I want."

Remus' not quite friendly reply was lost in the greetings from Albus and Minerva who, conveniently, arrived at the table that very minute.

"Good Morning, Sirius, Remus. Lovely that our beautiful summer sunshine is back, isn't it? Did anybody else hear the thunderstorm last night?"

Remus filled the mug Minerva held out for him while Albus heaped fruit salad into his bowl and topped it with yoghurt and an extensive amount of honey.

"No, I slept like a stone."

Replacing the honey pot Albus smiled.

"You're working too hard. I'm not sure if spending so much time with Severus is good for you."

Trying to smile and silently praying that he wouldn't blush like a thirteen-year-old Remus nodded and ignored the triumphing glance Sirius cast in his direction. Minerva nodded in agreement.

"Spending time with Severus isn't really good for anybody. At least I always feel slightly dim and lazy on top. And emotionally stable, which isn't that bad."

Sirius grinned, but then shaded his eyes and drew a face. His chair had the best view on the Forbidden Forest, and apparently he had seen something he didn't like.

"Speaking of the devil."

He pointed into the general direction of the forest, and everybody craned their necks. What they saw was a tall figure emerging from the shadows, slowly walking towards the castle and then vanishing from view due to the incline of the path. Minerva squinted.

"Is that really Severus? I didn't know he had even left last night."

Albus shrugged, but his gaze was steady on the tall figure until it disappeared from sight. Sirius rolled his eyes, but stayed silent. Albus gaze was still fixed on the now empty pathway, and Remus had the sneaking suspicion that he was doing far more than absently-minded staring into the landscape while Minerva asked Sirius about his prediction concerning the upcoming Quidditch season, a topic that was always sure to inspire lengthy monologues.

And he was right. Not even minutes later Severus appeared at the entrance to the orchard. But he didn't move towards the table. Staring back at Albus he crossed his arms on front of his chest, visibly annoyed. The frown on Albus' face deepened and he put the spoon he had just picked up down again.

"Do I have to yell at you across the orchard?"

Severus snorted.

"You just yelled at me across the whole damn grounds. Thank you for the headache."

Sirius looked confused, but Minerva tried to smile as neutral as possible.

"Good morning, Severus, why won't you join us?"

But he refused the invitation shaking his head. He looked more tired then annoyed, and it was obvious that he hadn't been simply enjoying a morning walk in the forest. He was clearly dressed for an evening occasion, wearing a slightly toned down version of what wizards considered elegant dress - a dark frockcoat, heavy fabric, the white of his shirt collar barely visible.

"Thank you, no. I will return to the castle."

But Albus wasn't done.

"Where have you been?"

Apparently that was a question Severus hadn't wanted to hear.

"Private business. Anything else?"

Still sitting silent and watching the unfolding of events Remus sipped his tea once more. Putting down his mug he sniffed almost involuntarily, and the earthy scent of opium hit him. No wonder Severus wasn't in the mood for breakfast.

And apparently Albus realized something similar that very moment. Without saying anything he got up, and with few steps closed the distance between Severus and him.

Wordlessly they stood facing each other, watched by the three remaining occupants of the table. For a moment nothing happened, but then Remus saw a shift in Severus facial expression, lines appearing on his forehead for a second. They were gone again quickly.

"I want to talk to you this afternoon. Come to my office at two."

There was something like disappointment in Albus' voice, but it was very faint and almost overridden by his discontent. He sounded like he chided a student, and for a moment Remus wondered whether Severus took well to being talked to like that.

It became immediately clear that he didn't.

"Stop yelling at me in my head, or I won't come anywhere anytime soon. And now excuse me."

Without further formalities he turned on his heel and stalked out of the garden, ignoring the surprised glances from the table and Albus' half-formed reply.

A few seconds Albus stood where he had been, watching Severus' retreating back. Then he sighed, turned around and returned to the table. Sitting down his face still clearly showed that he was dissatisfied with the outcome of the situation, but when Minerva carefully inquired he all but shook his head.

Luckily the morning newspaper arrived at that precise moment, and the bold headline "Scandal at the Ministry - Leak in the upper ranks! Top security information gone astray!" occupied everybodys' attention quickly. Even Albus took the offered part of the newspaper, visibly glad the he could then join the conversation on this new development.

A few hours later Remus stood in front of the wooden lab door, knocking three times, and finding the door locked. It was obviously that Severus wasn't there, and he didn't appear in the five minutes Remus waited for him in the corridor. He felt disappointed and lucky at the same time, hoping that at least he'd be spared Severus' probably homicidal temper after his meeting with Albus that had probably turned into a proper shouting-match.

So instead of brewing Remus decided on spending the afternoon in the library. He still had many questions concerning Hyle, and reading up on them wouldn't hurt in the slightest. Now he still had time he could spent with these things, but in a few weeks he'd have to return to his own subjects and start preparing lessons for the new year. It was just as well that he would now indulge himself with his new favorite subject.

In the cool library Remus had the pick of free working spaces. Nobody was there, after all, and he decided on a table tucked away in the Herbology section. Calling a few books on Alchemy to him he settled down and concentrated on the chapter before him.

It took almost an hour before he noticed that he wasn't alone at all. Only when a few bookcases to his right something fell to the ground and the noise disturbed his work he took notice of his surroundings. Curiosity got the better of him again, and as silently as he could he got up and made his way around the bookcases.

Three rows towards the entrance he discovered Severus. For a moment Remus felt mortally offended - after all he had been stood up. He considered marching over and demanding an explanation and an apology, but he discarded the idea quickly when he realized that Severus was absolutely lost in concentration.

The man hadn't even realised that one of his pencils had dropped to the ground, providing the noise that had come to Remus' attention. In front of him he had three large tomes, heavy and completely covered in dust. Besides a black bound notebook and a few parchment scrolls a modern looking dictionary lay in front of him, and he seemed to translate a passage of text from one of the books, from time to time double-checking in the other two gigantic volumes and vigorously flicking through the dictionary.

Remus only saw parts of his shoulders and back, slightly huched over the desk. He had changed into his usual clothing, a loose dark robe draped carelessly over his thin shoulders protecting him from the chill inside the library, and looked as if he had at least taken a long shower. But even from his point of view Remus noticed the lines in his face, indicating that maybe he hadn't slept as much as it would have done him good.

For a moment Remus pondered his options, and then decided on letting it slide. Silently he walked back to his own desk, sitting down and picking up his own work. There would be another day for lab work, and at least he would now be able to tease Severus with his forgetfulness and demand recompensation.

Turning his mind back to his own work he tried to concentrate again. But it was more difficult this time, his mind too aware of Severus' presence in the same room, his ears involuntarily picking up every sound - a turned page, scratching sounds of pencil on paper, wood creaking with movement.

Minutes later their shared solitude was interrupted. Remus heard the large doors to the library open, and then steps on the stone floor, determined picking their way through the rows of shelves. For some odd reason Remus felt the disturbance on a level that went far beyond simply being interrupted in his work - as if it were something intimate to share a library with someone sitting meters away.

Silently Remus hoped that whoever had walked into the library would quickly find their book and leave. But he was out of luck. The steps crossed the library, and came to a halt right where following Remus' orientation Severus was sitting.

Then he heard Albus' calm voice.

"Here you are. Why didn't you come to my office?"

It took a while for Severus to answer. "What time is it?"

Remus heard the sound of creaking wood. Apparently Albus had sat down on a bench or chair.

"It's half past four already."

The sound of rustling paper and a large volume being shut were the answer.

"Ah, I thought it was about two. And I forgot Lupin."

More sound of rustling paper and the closing of books, and then Albus voice, calm but not gentle.

"Do you really think you could run away from me?"

A very short moment of silence, and a final book being closed.

"Do you think I'd still be here?"

Suddenly it dawned on Remus that he was eavesdropping on something that probably was very private. But there was no chance he could vanish without anybody noticing him. And the library was a public space, more or less.

"That makes me sound as if I were Tom Riddle."

There was something beyond the calm and controlled patience in Albus' voice, and Remus wasn't sure he liked it.

"I wouldn't put that thought away too quickly."

Remus tried not lend sound to his surprise. He wasn't sure if anybody had ever compared Albus to the insane dark wizard, but he'd know in an instance whether Severus would survive it or not.

"Severus."

That was all, and it seemed to be enough.

"So what do you want to hear?"

There was just enough rebellion in Severus' voice that Remus picked up on it. The wood creaked.

"What about the truth, for example? You vanish at night but tell me that you are away on some private matters, you return home looking ragged and high as a kite. What are you doing? Answer."

The wood creaked again, and Remus tried to breathe as silently as possible.

"Private business, as I told you. It has nothing to do with any of my duties and therefore does not need to be brought to your attention."

Albus' voice changed from calm to more agitated, more determined, but also more dominant.

"I do think it would be in my interest to know if one of the members of my faculty relapses into drug addiction. We all have responsibilities here, if you care to remember."

For Remus' ears Albus sounded very much like his own father reading him the riot act before things became uncomfortable.

"First, it isn't term time and my actions endangered nobody, for once. Secondly, if you want to accuse me of neglecting my duties as Head of House feel free to do it at a staff meeting, in public. And thirdly I do not approve of your current use of Legilimency. If you attempt to break into my mind there will be consequences. I am well aware that I do carry a certain responsibilty towards you and the order, but my personal affairs still remain private. I might be your subordinate, but I'm not your slave."

It was clear that Severus meant what he was saying, and Remus heard in Albus' reply that there was history to this remark.

"Now, don't overreact, please. I promised you I would never break into your mind again, and I stand by my word. But I have to protect people, and although you hate it and try to make it as difficult as possible - you are one of them." There was a short pause and then Albus continued. "Why Opium? You've already ruined yourself, why continue beyond that? Think about the future."

Remus' heard the silent laugh, laced with pure acid.

"What are you talking about? There is no future to think about."

Surprised Remus leant forward a bit. He hadn't expected Severus' to go into details this quickly. But Albus ignored what turned out to be a perfectly placed bait.

"What are you hiding?"

There was silence.

"Finally we've arrived at the point of the matter. Do you not trust me?"

It didn't seem to be a question at all.

"Don't forget who you are."

Albus' remark was sharp without any space for interpretation. According to the sounds Severus had jumped up from his bench, but his voice was surprisingly steady, yet low, silky and very dangerous.

"Splendid Albus. I had almost forgotten, thank you for the reminder. I appreciate your thoughtful kindness."

Then Remus heard him turn on his heel, and then his quick steps echoed through the room.

"Severus!"

But Albus yelled in vain, and seconds later the heavy door of the library was slammed shut with such a force that Remus' table vibrated. In the following silence Albus' exasperating sigh seemed much louder than usual. Then Remus heard his slow steps on the stone floor, the door opening and closing much softer than before, and he was gone. Remus was alone in the library once more.

But that didn't quite help with his concentration. The room seemed to still vibrate with the harsh words spoken and the silent threats and emotions, and once more Remus felt himself wondering how exactly the connection between Severus and Albus worked. It didn't help that the chapter on Hyle in front of him seemed to become more complicated with every sentence. It didn't take him long to face the fact that he wouldn't get any work done anytime soon, and so he collected his notebook, and decided to find a more comfortable space. It was a beautiful day, after all, and it was no use wasting it inside.

Not even fifteen minutes later he was on his way up the stairs to the astronomy tower, book in his hand, with the intention to spent the remaining time till dinner perched on the stones in the sun, enjoying the beautiful view and indulging in a new essay collection from his favorite muggle author. The tower had become one of his favorite hiding spots as soon as he had discovered that he could enter it any time of the day now that he was a teacher and many of the restricting spells designed to keep the students from trouble where tied to age stopped applying to him.

Pushing open the wooden door he walked onto the outdoor platform and stopped dead in his tracks. Seated on the right end of the large stone balustrade, with his back against the warm stones of the tower walls sat Severus, long legs stretched in front of him, feet crossed at the ankles. He held a small leather-bound volume in one hand, and balanced a halfway smoked cigarette in the other. Looking up from his reading he stared at Remus with the same surprise on his face that Remus felt.

"Were you looking for me?"

Shaking his head Remus crossed the platform and stood next to Severus at the balustrade, placing his own book on the warm stone. Carelessly Severus flicked the ash from his cigarette away.

"Actually I was looking for a place to read. Great minds think alike, I guess."

Severus' only reaction was a raised eyebrow before he took a drag. The wind carried the exhaled smoke away quickly.

"Apologies for forgetting about our appointment."

Surprised Remus blinked. He never expected to hear an apology from Severus once in his life, and here it was, spoken easily, as if Severus ran around being honest and formal and friendly all day. His rage seemed to have dried up quickly. This was getting stranger by the minute.

"It's fine, I gather you were still asleep. Spent the night at opium den, right?"

Surprised Severus looked up, but Remus supplied the explanation immediately.

"Opium has a strong smell, it was rather obvious. At least to me."

Pensively Severus nodded, but instead of answering he simply took another drag from his cigarette. Remus picked his own book up again and climbed on the balustrade. Throwing a scrutinising glance over the stone rail and registering the height of the tower he decided to keep his legs firmly on the inside.

"Afraid of heights?"

Remus grinned.

"Usually not, but this is really high. And I think flying without a broom is rather unlikely. And illegal."

Severus exhaled smoke once more.

"As if anybody would care. Unsupported flying isn't as difficult as it seems. Just takes some practise and someone to push you over the edge."

Now that was something Remus could imagine, Voldemort pushing someone down a cliff and calling it a lesson.

"Been thrown off something?"

It was supposed to be a joke, but Severus simply nodded and shrugged.

"Seems to be the only way to learn it."

It took a while for Remus to make sense of that.

"Are you telling me that Voldemort taught you how to fly? Unsupported flight? By throwing you off a tower? That's insane."

Grinning Severus exhaled smoke again.

"In the end it's only a spell, albeit a rather rare and complicated one. Don't even try. And don't run and tell Albus, he wouldn't be amused."

That was a lot of information in a very short amount of time, and somehow Remus remained sceptic. Unsupported flight was something a lot of people had been thinking about for a long time, and also one of the few things forbidden by a strict magical law. One doesn't fly or mess with time, period. On the other hand rules were something Voldemort hadn't ever shown a greater respect for.

"I can imagine Voldemort throwing someone off a cliff, but actually teaching something?"

That was an absurd idea. Voldemort was a monster, not a teacher or someone who was likely to share his knowledge. But Severus shrugged again and examined the remains of his cigarette.

"You just arrived at one of the core problems the Order has. Voldemort might not be quite human any longer, but he used to be very different. How do you think so many decided to follow his lead? Today politics and war have taken over, but back in the days it was something entirely different."

That didn't seem very credible to Remus.

"So back then they pillaged, plundered and killed with added thought and philosophical theory to it?"

Slightly annoyed Severus threw the bud of his cigarette over the balustrade and watched it vanish in the depth.

"Of course not, the murdering part was always rather pointless. But there were other things that were much more important."

Remus felt himself running out of patience.

"Other things? What other things? I can't even imagine what you're talking about."

Reaching up to his left ear Severus produced a fresh cigarette he must have kept tucked there, in the process accidentally freeing a few strands of black hair he then brushed out of his face.

"Yes, and as I said - that is a typical problem the Order has. Nobody can imagine how tempting these things were, how alluring Voldemort's call once was. And for some still is. You're underestimating him gravely, his charisma and attraction. He is powerful, that is seductive in itself, but he also has knowledge and he passed both, knowledge and power, on to those joining his ranks. There's an attraction of doing evil you cannot imagine. Especially for those of my generation when the difference between what we were taught and what reality was had large gaps. He could bridge those."

Something inside Remus' mind refuse to belive that. How could Voldemort's call ever be seductive? How could doing wrong, causing pain, murdering be deemed worthwhile?

"What difference?"

It surprised Remus how determined Severus was. Apparently he had spent a lot of time thinking about these things, and seemed strangely keen on sharing his thoughts.

"Reality and upbringing. Purebloods were, and still are taught that they are the natural born rulers, told it again and again. But then they arrive here, and more likely then not they end up being Slytherins. Inside their house the hierarchy still works, but outside they are considered to be evil, and not worth mingling with. It's even worse when they leave the school finally. Isn't any Slytherin a dark wizard or witch by definition? Something becomes the truth when you hear it often enough. And then Voldemort calls to them, telling them that yes, it's right - they are the better ones, they are born to rule, they are powerful. And evil, and all of that is very attractive, seductive and mysterious."

To Remus that sounded like looking for excuses.

"So society is to blame and not the one who carries the wand and casts the curse?"

Sighing Severus rested his head against the stone wall behind him.

"I never said that. But a movement like the Death Eaters doesn't appear out of nothingness. Context is so important, but it's blatantly ignored. But no surprise - how many percent of the Order members are Gryffindors? It's a privilege that can be used, and most of them use it. Albus does and has been doing so forever. This has been going on for a long time. Many of Voldemort's followers think of this fight as vengeance, sweetly after a long time, taking back what's supposed to be theirs."

Slowly Remus managed to sort through his many thoughts, but the result didn't please him in the slightest.

"And what about simply letting the past be the past and moving on? Vengeance is such a stupid concept."

Severus nodded, but raised an eyebrow. "You overestimate the personal greatness of many of us."

Both stayed silent for a while. Remus still tried to sort through his thoughts, but he couldn't find an outcome he liked. He thought about the many lives already lost in this war, the suffering of all these that he knew - James and Lilly, then Sirius in Azkaban, nearly losing his mind and life. He thought of the others he had known and knew, and his own luck or fate. And now Severus was telling him that those who clearly were victims in his mind could actually have done something wrong? That the system that had supported him for so long was at fault?

"Why are you telling me that now?"

It didn't really make sense, yet, but Remus already knew that he would spent hours thinking the concept through. As reply Severus simply shrugged.

"Probably because you're listening, and no Order member usually listens to what I say. Wrong time wrong place for you."

That, actually, was a truth Remus could only agree with. No order member would listen to Severus, mainly because his standing in the Order was still highly disputed. His security amongst the order members was mostly built on Albus' protection and the sneaking suspicion some had that attacking a proclaimed Death Eater wouldn't be a very good idea if one valued one's own physical health. Knowing now how fragile the connection between Severus and Albus really was Remus couldn't help but feel how unstable the ground underneath Severus' feet must feel.

Severus, in the meantime, snapped his fingers and lit his cigarette on the small green flame.

"Did you practise, by the way?"

Looking up from his contemplation Remus had to shake his head. Severus took a drag.

"If you don't work on it you won't get far."

Pulling a face Remus nodded, and then succumbed again to his mental chaos. Severus didn't seem to mind the silence. Leaning back against the warm stone his eyes wandered over the Forbidden Forest, loosing their focus somewhere in the distance. For a full cigarette he stayed there silent, and Remus felt as if he had done something to gain the honour of his presence without really knowing what it was.

But finally Severus finished his cigarette, picked up his book and left the tower. Poppy had promised him a new bandage for his still aching wrist, and considering the rather sad state the current one was in since the heavy rain it seemed like necessary change.

They met again at the dinner table in the orchard. Remus was already seated next to Sirius when Severus arrived and, after standing around for a moment, walked to his usual chair to Albus' left. Only because he was already watching them Remus saw how Albus reached out and wrapped his fingers around Severus' bandaged right wrist, pulling him carefully down. Nobody else seemed to have noticed, but for a short moment some emotion Remus' couldn't correctly place wandered over Severus face.

Then he sat, mostly in silence, and endured the lively conversation while staring mostly at his untouched food or the glas of wine he nursed.

Sirius, next to Remus, was the driving force of their evening's entertainment. He told anecdotes and jokes with ease, teasing his happy audience and smiling broadly. Remus enjoyed his friend's high spirits enormously. Azkaban had nearly destroyed him, but he was slowly turning back into the man Remus had known for so long. The sun had supplied him with a tan, his hair had grown out again and become more tameable, and the added weight on his bones helped to create a more healthy look. Remus knew that Sirius wasn't looking forward to turn into a dog again for the upcoming school year, and his intense exploitation of the easy summer days could be easily be understood in that context.

Their lively evening conversation was interrupted by a solitary owl carrying a newspaper. The special edition of the Daily Prophet had been highly anticipated by everybody, and the new scandal had already been at the center of their conversation before the owl arrived. Multiple hands reached out to take the newspaper from the owl, but Minerva batted a napkin at every possible thief and defended her information privilege. To prevent a brawl she unfolded the newspaper and started to read the leading article aloud.

"Hands away, this is my newspaper! You're worse then my fifth-years fighting for a sip of mulled wine. Okay, listen. You've seen the headlines, scandal, and so on. Right. So: This afternoon the ministry confirmed to the press that investigations against a leading ministry employee are taking place. Long-term employee Harold Overy is under suspicion for having sold highly important information, matters of national security, and so on. Also immoral lifestyle, what age do we live in? Immoral lifestyle! What did he do, commit sodomy with his pet toad? Anyway. Overy has been released from his obligation, but resisted arrest and has been on the run since three days. The arrest warrant has been issued on charges of espionage and high-treason. Relevant evidence, armed and dangerous and so on."

She turned the page around.

"And here's a picture. Doesn't look very friendly, that Mr. Overy."

Remus glanced at the page. A snarling magical photograph, in black and white, looked back at him. Overy had a crude face, with rough features and cold eyes. Minerva was right, he didn't look very friendly at all.

"I never knew that there were spies in the ministry. Considering the general disorder there I'm not surprised. Did he work for Voldemort?"

Suddenly all eyes were on Severus, who looked up in mild annoyance.

"Not as far as I know."

Sirius snorted.

"I guess your boss doesn't tell you everything, then. Fallen from grace, are you?"

Severus raised an eyebrow, but before he could say anything Albus cut him of, desperate to keep the peace. Severus threw him an annoyed glance and returned to his sulking silence.

"Whatever it is, I am sure we will find out soon. Would you mind if I threw a glance at the article, Minerva? Thank you for sharing your newspaper."

Reaching over the table Albus took the paper, and from there it made the round. Severus glanced at the article briefly before handing it over to Pomona Sprout. When it arrived at Remus' place he examined the picture once more. Somehow the face seemed familiar, something in the cut of the cheekbones and the small eyes resonated with him. But he wasn't sure. He probably had seen him somewhere before, maybe even in the newspaper - there were so many pictures of high-ranked ministry employees around that it was likely. But when he passed the paper to Sirius and looked up Remus registered Severus unreadable glance upon him. Remus tried to smile, but Severus simply turned his head and focused on Minerva who was reading another small article aloud.

But Albus had noticed, too, and his observing gaze was fixed to his very own spy for the remaining hours of the evening, while Remus racked his brain for a clue to where he had seen the face of Harold Overy before. But he remained dissatisfied and went to bed with the feeling of having forgotten something vitally important. Even in his dreams he couldn't remember what it was.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 6/10/2014 (updated 15/10/2015)

_The whole flying-thing sounds like I made it up, but I didn't - pure canon here! Amazing. I wondered how Voldemort would teach someone how to fly, and pushing people off towers and cliffs sounded just too much like him. _


	10. Nothing so simple

**Nothing so simple**

The next afternoon Remus finally saw a proper cauldron in the lab. He walked into the sunlit room finding no less than three of them on his working table, as well as a complete set-up on the other table. Severus wore his usual badly damaged lab robe, but this time without any visible sleeves underneath beyond the frayed cloth covering that Dark Mark, and his hair clipped back. It looked like serious work, and Remus was absurdly gleeful. At least there would be a break from cutting techniques and mental acrobatics.

Without formalities beyond a curt nod as a short greeting Severus came straight to the point.

"You have learnt a fair bit about the necessary basic techniques and time is running up. There is still enough Wolfsbane for the next full moon, but afterwards the stocks will be empty. I propose that you will slowly acquaint yourself with the formula, and then assist me in brewing."

It wasn't a question, but Remus still nodded, trying for all in the world to keep his demeanor composed and cool. In fact he was short of rubbing his hands together. He had been waiting for cauldrons and fire the whole time, it had been the part of Potions classes he had always loved most. A good spark, a roaring fire, the energy of the bubbling cauldron - it felt good, and he couldn't wait to do it again.

"Yes, fine with me. I've been waiting for the brewing process all along."

As usual Severus didn't take enthusiasm too well.

"Don't underestimate the value of proper basic instruction - but I see that's wasted on you. You'll receive the formula later today. First I want you to brew some simple potions so I estimate how useful you will be. And to make sure you're not going to burn the castle down."

Once more Remus nodded eagerly, causing Severus to sigh.

"Somehow I wish my students would be that excited. Another thing, though: you might remember that some ingredients are still missing. I'll apparate into Diagon Alley sometime the next week. If you'd like to accompany me, there are a few rather unusual resources I have to contact."

That was fine with Remus, and it triggered his curiosity once more.

"Unusual resources? Do you ever do anything just like everybody else?"

Involuntarily Severus grinned.

"I don't see any reason to." Then he turned around and walked to one of his own working tables, gesturing Remus to follow him.

"Before you will start working on your own potions you can either decide on a few variations you would like to brew using the books over there or stand by and watch while I'll be processing the Hyle. It still needs a few finishing touches before it can be used in the Wolfsbane."

Remus followed him, the decision being a rather easy one. He had read enough on Hyle to admire the intricacy of the procedure, and was more than interested in the process of refining the strange substance. He had a vague idea from what he had picked up from his books, but he still wasn't very sure how exactly it was supposed to work.

On the large table in the back of the room Remus recognized the small leather pouch holding the Hyle. But beyond that there was nothing but a large bowl, made of what seemed to be a very bright white stone, and a clean glass container with a lid. There was no trace of anything that could be set on fire, much to Remus' disappointment. Severus walked around the table and positioned himself behind it, facing Remus over the bowl.

"As soon as I start working you take a few steps back, nothing but a rather basic precautionary measure. Now, I've already told you a few things about Hyle, it's characteristics and production. Working with Hyle requires a good amount of concentration on the part of the alchemist, so I will explain things to you now and afterwards, but not during the process. You will remain absolutely silent, is that clear?"

Nodding in agreement Remus took a few steps back while Severus opened the leather pouch and produced another, much smaller bag. For a brief second Remus wondered if there'd be another, tiny bag inside the small bag and so on, but he decided to not voice this rather disturbing thought and instead concentrated on the explanation Severus offered.

"So, Hyle. For Wolfsbane it's needed in the stage before it becomes Materia Prima - I told you in Oxford. This - " he lifted the small pouch - "contains a tranquilized form of Hyle. That means the substance has been immobilized, so to say, and doesn't react to its immediate surrounding. If it weren't in that state it would constantly change its form. While working with it Hyle needs to be immobilized or frozen after every step of the process, otherwise it doesn't return to a stable condition."

He put the pouch down again and tapped against the bowl.

"Egyptian alabaster. Hyle in this stage reacts very strongly to metals and elements in wood, so it can't be processed in cauldrons. Alabaster is a rather weak heat conductor, but light-transmissive, so it can easily be saturated by magic, which of course has similar qualities to light. Still alabaster keeps magical energy well. On the downside it's very soft and extremely breakable. These bowls can sometimes only be used twice, or worse, they break on the first use. Alabaster is also dreadfully expensive and hard to find. Libavius uses marble bowls for exactly that reason, but marble is naturally cold and needs a higher amount of magic until it reaches full saturation, which is why I prefer Alabaster."

For a moment Severus turned the bowl on the table before he looked up. "You can already see that every master has their own way of doing things."

Then he held the bowl up again the window. The fine material seemed to lighten up in the rays of the sun coming in through the windows, and it appeared as if the alabaster immediately developed its own glow.

"I'm not surprised. Can I touch it?"

Denying the request Severus turned the bowl around again and replaced it to its proper spot on the table.

"Did you read up about specific levels of magical saturation in the laboratory? You can touch it when the work is done. It must not have traces of external energy on it right now, and I cannot exclude the possibility that you're not fully containing your magic. That would be too risky."

Remus could even point out the exact page in his book dealing with magical saturation and he was fairly sure his magic wasn't leaking out of his hands - he had never had issues with spontaneous magical displays, unlike many other wizards and witches - but he couldn't deny that Severus attitude of better-safe-than-sorry made sense.

"I see. In any case it is rather beautiful."

Severus nodded.

"Yes, alabaster is an exceptionally beautiful material. This bowl is sturdy, by the way. I've been using it for a few month now, and so far it holds up well. Sometimes fragile things are stronger than we think."

He turned the bowl on the table, slightly tracing the upper rim with his hands.

"Good. Here's what I will do, explained on a rudimentary level. The Hyle comes out of the bag into the bowl, and will start to transform immediately. Adding various types of magical energy it will change in specific ways. When it reaches the stage before it turns into Materia Prima it will be restabilized, and stored in a clean glass container. Questions?"

"No, but surely afterwards."

"Good." Without further ado Severus opened the small leather pouch, and shock it. A small cube, about the size of a comon cube used for a game of dice, fell into the bowl.

It looked like ordinary yeast.

Surprised Remus blinked and sniffed, but he couldn't pick the slightly moldy smell up. Apparently it only looked like yeast, and Remus only stopped himself just so from voicing his thoughts. Instead he watched Severus hold a hand over the bowl, apparently lifting the spell that had kept the Hyle immobilized.  
And it started transforming immediately, though at first rather slowly. The cube started to crumble, slowly turning into a sandlike dust. All the time Severus kept his left hand suspended over the bowl, watching the transformation process with visible concentration. When the whole cube had dissolved into dust, filling just the bottom of the bowl he moved quickly, and scooped the dust into his hand.

Turning his now closed fist around Remus waited for the dust to fall back into the bowl. For a second nothing happened. Then Remus felt a sudden change in the magical atmosphere in the lab. Severus opened his fist and tiny balls fell into the bowl, translucent like a crystal, making a distinct clicking sound as they hit the wall of the alabaster bowl. It looked a bit as if Severus had turned the dust into glass marbles, only that the marbles now falling back into the bowl immediately transformed once again. Touching each other they merged together, growing noticeably in size.

Once more Severus reached into the bowl and picked up the still growing balls that now hardly fit into his hands any longer. Turning the bowl with his bandaged right hand he threw them back into the bowl, one after the other. On contact with the bowl they seemed to burst, leaving a muddy liquid running down the walls of the bowl. And immediately Remus understood why Severus kept on turning the bowl: soon every section of the bowl was covered in the liquid, which suddenly shifted it's colour and turned into a bright gleaming silver that made Remus suddenly feel very uncomfortable.

Making sure that every part of the bowl was covered by the silver layer Severus placed both hands around the bowl, as if he were about to lift it up. Remus wondered whether he was actually heating up the bowl, but in any case he was adding magical energy to the process. The thick silver layer suddenly seemed to turn runny, dripping down the walls of the bowl and collecting at the bottom. Then it came to a boil, thick smoke rising. But the smoke didn't get far: it clashed against an invisible barrier just above the bowl, condensed, and dripped back into the bowl.

That seemed to be the longest part of the process. The liquid kept on boiling, vapour rising up, condensing, and dripping back down. It became more and more clear, and after a while there seemed to be no visible difference between the Hyle and pure water. That was the moment when Severus removed his hands from the bowl, moved them in a motion as if he was racing the perimeters of the bowl, apparently freezing the whole ensemble. Taking the glass container he very carefully poured the now liquid Hyle into it, covered the container with a lid, cast another noiseless spell Remus only recognized by his hand movements, and then looked at the container for another moment.

Nodding and visibly relaxing he looked up.

"That went well. Hyle can be erratic, you never know if things won't suddenly go wrong. But Libavius did a good job on this, as he always does. You look as if you do have questions."

That was an underestimation, but Remus didn't need to enlighten Severus about it. Instead he simply grinned and then bombarded Severus with questions for the next thirty minutes. Displaying a surprising amount of patience Severus answered them all, sometimes having to simplify complicated alchemical processes to help Remus understand something. He lectured Remus about the various stages the Hyle had gone through, the necessary spells and temperature adjustments, and even complimented Remus on his keen perception.

Finally he pointed to Remus' own working table.

"Time for you own work."

Fired up by watching the complicated process and ready to tackle something himself Remus grinned and marched over to his own table. Shaking his head Severus opened the first two buttons of his lab coat and followed him, not without making sure once more that the jar holding the Hyle was properly closed.

"Were you that eager in class? And have you ever produced concentrated extracts from herbs?"

Remus had, years ago in the class just mentioned. And he had been really good at it.

"Don't pretend you don't remember I gave you a good run for your money. Was that in our sixth or seventh year?"

On Remus' table the cauldrons and prepared herbs were already waiting for him.

"Now that you mention it. My current students do it in their fifth year, we did it in our sixth."

Suddenly the amount of energy the work with Hyle required seemed to show. Instead of remaining standing at Remus' working table Severus pushed a few books aside on his own makeshift desk and rather gracelessly sat down. Rubbing his forehead with one hand he waved loosely into the general direction of Remus' table.  
"The book is open, go ahead. Three herbs, three cauldrons, and work precisely."

It was almost shocking how tired Severus suddenly looked, with deep lines around his eyes and tightly set jaw, as if he needed a large amount of concentration to even stay awake. But Remus knew better than to inquire, and went to work. And it wasn't a problem, with the open book, his own knowledge and the rare remark here and there Severus bestowed on him. Working calmly he produced three extracts out of the herbs on the table, all of which were to be used in the Wolfsbane. When he was done he transferred the now extracts to prepared glass containers, cleaned his working space and neatly labeled the jars.

Enjoying the confidence coming with success he returned from the storage room where he had placed the jars on the appropriate shelf, next to rows and rows of similar containers labeled in Severus' own pointed script. Remus was delighted that he was still able to brew on his own and at least on the level of a good student, something he hadn't been too sure of. In the laboratory he found Severus staring motionlessly into the space before him. He looked as if he was fighting sleep, and when Remus coughed into his sleeve he veritably startled and slowly pushed himself off the table.

"That wasn't even half bad."

Knowing a compliment when it came from Severus all Remus did was nod.

"I enjoyed the work. You look as if someone had accidentally summoned you from the dead."

Rubbing his temples Severus shrugged.

"Charming. The amount of magic Hyle requires is taxing at the best of times. Right now - but it doesn't matter. I promised you something."

Turning around he retrieved a parchment roll from his desk and held it to Remus, who took it immediately. Examining it he spotted the seal, but had no time to break it.

"That's the - recipe?"

The facial expression in Severus' face was priceless, the exhaustion suddenly making room for utter horror, as if Remus had just compared the Wolfsbane to a chocolate cake. With sprinkles. Though with Severus they would have to be silver and green, probably.

"Formula, or alchemic notation. Read it. You will not understand it, it's too complex and you're not a trained potions master. But small pieces should make sense to you, and it would be useful if you could develop a grasp of the very basic construction. The arithmetical base is included, too, but don't let that bother you. Simply keep it."  
Then he examined Remus, and his voice took on a more urgent tone.

"Be aware that you're holding truly extraordinary knowledge. There are only four of these complete notations in existence. Technically the formula is my property, but that's something we shouldn't dwell upon. Remember what I told you in Oxford. This is something you have to guard closely, that you might have to protect one day."

Now holding the parchment roll more carefully Remus nodded, feeling as if he was supposed to raise a hand and swear an oath.

"I understand, and I will be careful. Thank you. I'll see you at dinner?"

Outside the windows the sun was already setting, and suddenly Remus felt tired from his work. How long had he been in the lab? Brewing certainly made one forget about the time.

"Probably not."

Already used to Severus being reclusive and knowing it was no use to try and coax him out of his rooms Remus simply nodded and went to leave the laboratory.

"You should take a rest. I'll see you tomorrow."

Severus didn't reply, but as Remus left the laboratory he saw him sitting down again on his desk rather promptly. But Remus' mind was elsewhere. The parchment roll in his hands felt like a treasure, and although he was tired he couldn't wait to break the seal and examine the recipe. Formula. Alchemic notation.

The setting sun cast long shadows into the hallways, the golden light seeming to turn into pools of liquid gold on the stone floor. The air in the corridors was warm and soft, caressing Remus' skin. He loved these summer evenings, the heat still sitting smugly, only to be disturbed by cooler evening air when the sun would be gone. Involuntarily smiling he leisurely strolled down the stairs to his own private quarters.

His good mood was unexpectedly disturbed when he arrived there. Leaning against his door was Sirius, and from his brooding face he didn't seem to share Remus' joyful mood.

"Where the hell have you been? I've searched high and low for you."

He followed Remus into his private quarters without waiting for an invitation.

"In the lab, brewing extracts from herbs. It worked perfectly, you cannot know how pleased I am. I'm even better than I used to be in school."

But Sirius didn't seem to care about these things.

"Splendid, good for you. And I spent all day bored to death. I've got so few days in Hogwarts before I've got to leave again or turn into a dog, and you waste them in the dungeons with that sour bastard?"

The attack came entirely unexpected. It seemed that Sirius had been annoyed for a while, and now the thunderstorm erupted over Remus' head.

"What are you even talking about?"

But Sirius wasn't finished. With his fists on his hips he glared at Remus.

"You know perfectly well what I'm talking about. You're in the library or in the lab all the time, reading or working on these boring potions things. And that's not even your subject! When do you think you'll prepare your own lessons? And what about our summer plans? Why the are you suddenly spending so much time with that bloody Snape, seriously, what's the matter with that?"

Remus stared at him, considering drastic measures for a second.

"Have you lost your mind or are you jealous? You know exactly that I need the wolfsbane, and thus Severus. This is important beyond anything for me."

Sirius made a noise as if he wanted to spit on the floor.

"I don't trust the fuckmuppet, and you know exactly why. He'll betray us all, just you wait for it. He's misleading all of you, the entire order, Albus, why the hell are you even trusting that - that asshole? You can't take the monster out of a man, never."

It was Sirius' habit to let his tongue run away with him, and he always realised his mistakes far too late.

"So maybe it's more about me finally finding someone like me."

Lifting his chin Remus fixed him with a cold glance, trying to hide sudden rage. Lifting his hands Sirius shock his head.

"You know I didn't mean to say - "

Remus interrupted him brutally.

"You never mean anything. You didn't mean it when you send him into the Shrieking Shack all those years ago, and you nearly killed us all with that. Leave. Now."

Pointing towards the door he silenced Sirius half-formed reply with nothing more than a glance.

"No. You will leave now, and maybe you'll consider next time what a monster really is. Get the hell out of my rooms."

Realising the uselessness of his attempts to explain himself Sirius shrugged, turned around and left as he had been ordered. When the door closed behind him Remus carefully exhaled, willing his clenched fists to relax. Fighting with Sirius always got him to the edge quickly, and he was glad that his wand had been tucked away safely. He wasn't a violent man, never had been, but these days his patience seemed to run up far quicker than usual.

Sighing he crossed into his rooms and sank down on his sofa, leaning back and staring at the ceiling. It could have been such a splendid evening, and then Sirius had to indulge in a sudden fit of jealousy and dig up the old issues. Would that never heal?

And then Remus remembered the things Severus had said on the astronomy tower, his musings on vengeance, on paying back what one had to suffer with equal violence. Loosing himself in a train of thought Remus stared up to the intricate woodwork in his ceiling.

The monster, Sirius had said, could never been removed from the man, and Remus was fairly sure that it wasn't only Sirius opinion. Nobody could not notice the glances, the whispered comments, the endless bickering. The open and the hidden hate, Severus' position nothing but a fragile construct build on Albus' acceptance and protection.

Remus had never wondered about that, and he couldn't blame anybody else for not thinking about it. Severus was like a closed door, a room locked with a key discarded into a fast river. A smooth façade where nothing stuck, whatever you threw against it. There was always a quick retort, a sharp-witted reply, words meant to hurt and a standing invitation to battle. He did nothing to discourage their opinion. Not that it wasn't obvious that all they saw was a carefully constructed image, a persona Severus assumed, a defined role the world could judge him upon. But people didn't like to second-guess what they thought they knew, and his every word was only gasoline on fire.

A monster, that's what they thought he was.

And what did they say about Remus, behind his back, when nobody else was there? They had reassured him that they were glad he was there, Lycanthropy just another part of him, nothing serious. He was a good man, and they told him so. It wasn't his fault, after all, he hadn't willingly succumbed to this life. It hadn't been his choice. And he wasn't dangerous, with the Wolfsbane turning the beast into something far more agreeable, albeit still quite ugly.

Leave it to the man who was a monster to turn the other man who was a monster into something - human?

Brilliant.

Feeling the sudden need to think somewhere else Remus got up and, not knowing what to do, decided to take a shower. The shower was a good place to think, after all.  
Minutes later his clothing was but a chaotic pile on the ground, the water running down his shoulders. Inhaling the scent of his shower gel, fresh mint and bergamot, his mind went back to his former train of thought, his fingers tracing the pattern of lines in his skin, thick scar tissue marking him forever.

These questions weren't new, of course. He had been thinking about these things for a long time, maybe for the first time when he had been a teenager. As they had been for everybody the years between his thirteenth birthday until his graduation from Hogwarts had been a time of searching. But when everybody else had certain defined fields they worried about - girls, muscles, sex, school, in that order - Remus' inner life had been a chaotic mess. The usual problems never really touched him. What use was a well-toned torso for him? Sirius took his shirt off as soon as the snow started to melt, but Remus carried his true character engraved into his skin, an ugly net of pain and fear. How could he explain that, or his monthly vanishing to a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend, for that matter? He could have worried about school, but his grades had always been good. He was an avid student, someone who loved books and learning.

With the years things had gotten better. He'd found friends, people who liked and understood him, even without Wolfsbane. The scars on his body never went away, though. Poppy had told him that dark magic left traces on the body of its victims, proof it had been there. But he got used to the scars, ugly as they were, accepting them just as he had learned to accept the feeling of the moon breaking his bones. They were a part of him, as was the wolf - the dark raging creature, the monster he had finally tamed with nothing but a goblet of disgusting liquid.

Turning off the water he stepped out of the shower, the steam filling his bathroom. Drying himself he wiped the mirror. His own face stared back at him, nothing if not a familiar sight. He still looked old, much older than he was. Those dealing with lycanthropy hardly ever reached an old age. They died early, broken in body and spirit, succumbing to their own instincts, or killing themselves. It was so odd that a potion could have given him so much silly hope.  
He turned away from the mirror in a sharp movement. Dressing in a fresh t-shirt and boxer shorts he made his way back into his living room, combing through his wet hair with his hands.

The parchment roll was still lying on the couch, and Remus picked it up in passing and walked into his study. Seating himself at his desk he turned the roll in his hands.

The material seemed simple, but of high quality, and the seal was large, pressed into dark green wax. He studied the tree bearing a single apple for a moment before he broke it, feeling his still lingering anger turning into something akin to excitement.

It looked like a recipe for cake. Remus wasn't sure whether he was supposed to be surprised or not, but it really looked as if he had taken a page out of his mother's recipe notebooks, maybe the one where his mother had noted the necessary steps to prepare a complicated, lavishly decorated wedding cake. Just that Severus' script had nothing in common with the neat little handwriting of Remus' mother. For a moment Remus just stared at the writing. His own father would have called that a character script, no doubt. The letters in dark ink were gently curved, lavishly traced on the page. This was no quick note, and the careful penmanship - so unlike the cursive Severus' usually used - betrayed it. It was legible, but just barely.

But a few minutes later Remus could read the writing with only minor problems, and he started to work his way through the first page. The list of ingredients seemed to be never-ending, but he had worked with most of them in the past weeks, had learned how to cut and prepare them or at least seen them once. The first ingredient was the Hyle, with the comment 'Gradus 1. ante materia prima' written in parenthesis behind. Then there were the herbs and various other ingredients, some of them ostensibly liquid from the way the amount needed was noted.

The explanation of the brewing process, on the contrary, was rather short. The ingredients had to be added in descending order as they were indexed above, and the text mostly contained strange abbreviated information pertaining the necessary magical potencies, ways and times of stirring required, temperatures and necessary cooling times, warnings about vapours and possible volatile moments as well as descriptions about the colour of the potion and the rising smoke. The final paragraph explained how the finished potion had to be tested before it could be administered, ensuring the quality and function. And, finally, a small sentence underneath it all, written in a different script but with the same ink, so small Remus almost couldn't read it: Ita ius esto, de manu propria. It was signed with Severus' full name, including his titles as Remus had seen them in the visitors' book in St. Aurelius.

The very last page included an indecipherable amount of arithmetic symbols and numbers, and Remus concluded that this probably was the real thing - the arithmetical part Severus had spoken about. There was no need for Remus to read it. He wouldn't understand it anyway, he noted without feeling bad about it.

So he returned to the first pages, reading them again and again, using his own notes, the Alchemy book and the literature he had taken from the library to make sense of what he was reading. It wasn't easy, but very slowly things started to fall into place, and Remus felt that there was actually a small chance of him understanding it one day. Not tonight, though. Carefully he copied the formula into his notebook, trying to truthfully write down the strange abbreviations just like the undecipherable arithmetic notation. It might come in handy one day to have a second copy, stored away for his own use.

When he was done night had fallen outside his windows. Sitting back and stretching his shoulder muscles he wondered about dinner, but then decided to take it in liquid form and retreated to his sofa with a tumbler of the fine whiskey Minerva had given him for his last birthday.

The amber liquid was strong, burning his tongue and mouth, and Remus felt as if it was taking away some of his prior thoughts as well, cleaning his head. The night outside his windows was soft, yet dark, and the moon was on its way to become Remus' worst antagonist once more. If he carefully took inventory of his own body he already felt the wolf stirring slightly underneath his skin. But it wasn't bad, not yet. The pain hadn't come already.

Sipping his whiskey in the relaxed comfort of his living room Remus lost himself in thought again. It had been a strange summer so far, so different from everything he had anticipated. But who could have foreseen that he would spent a night in an opium den with an ex-Death Eater and then turn into an assistant of the same man? It was absurd.

Refilling his glass he smiled. A monster, Sirius had said. Well, if one asked Remus he'd say that he knew a thing or two about monsters. About what a monster was. And if Sirius had asked him he would have told him that killing, even in cold blood, didn't turn a man into a monster. Into a murderer, yes. But not into a monster.  
But really, if it just were that simple. If there were a clear line between good and bad, between dark and bright. He knew he would have liked that himself. You belong there, I belong here, let's fight this out. One was a monster, the other a man, and if the man won it was a victory for all of them.

But what if the man was the monster, and the monster - but then Remus' tumbler was empty again. The whiskey dripped down his throat, no longer burning. It tasted heavy and warm, liquid smoke and honey. Smiling at nothing in particular Remus sat back. Oh yes, if life were easy! If things were simple. But they weren't, had never been. Would never be.

Here be monsters, they had written on old maps, on the areas where nobody had ever set foot. If you don't know it presume it as dangerous. Where did monsters live these days? Just to make sure Remus checked underneath the sofa, but the only thing there was a colony of dust bunnies. The only resident monster in these rooms was he himself. And in the castle? The tumbler was empty again. Refilling it one last time and downing the alcohol Remus let himself fall back into the pillows.

His thoughts, so clear and concise before, now seemed to be a wet mess of fur, drenched in whiskey and helplessly entangled. Staring up at the ceiling he smiled without knowing why. Here be monsters, yes. Why not. Even they needed a place to live, didn't they? Not everybody could play for the lucky team of man. There had to be monsters.

Smiling brighter at nothing in particular he closed his eyes, just for a moment, and promptly fell asleep. 

* * *

(c) Fayet - 14/10/2014 (revised 18/10/2015)

_Ita ius esto, de manu propria - and so it is rightly/correct, done by the hand of (from roman law, claiming the correctness of procedure, pertaining law of ownership)_


	11. Trouble come running

**Trouble come running**

The next day Sirius apologised, as he always did, and as the protocol of their friendship demanded it Remus forgave him. It wasn't difficult, after a night of alcohol fueled sleep and a bad morning. As soon as the headache was gone and he could think again he knew what was bound to happen. It was a neverending story, and Remus fully believed that their life was always going to play out that way.

Over a mug of coffee Sirius pleaded for forgiveness, looking a bit like a sad and wet dog, and Remus smiled and noded. Walking down the corridor on his own again he made a mental note to remember that there were people who didn't put every word they spoke up to scrutiny before it left their mouth. Sirius was a decent bloke, a good man even, and had been a loyal friend for a very long time. He used words carelessly, but he rarely really meant to inflict harm. Sometimes he didn't think, but didn't that happen to all of them? Sometimes they didn't think. No, Sirius was a good man, and Remus smiled and nodded, and it was forgiven. As always.

And as usual Remus had different things to worry about, with the next full moon around the corner. The wolf was already awaking, slowly, becoming more and more present every day. At night the creature started to rattled his bones, tearing on his muscles, growling in his dreams. The energy of the wolf dripped into his veins, and he couldn't sit still. The wolf needed exercise, movement, a prelude to the hunt that would follow. And so he walked, wandered through the large castle, over the meadows towards the forest, be it day or night. During term time it was an obvious thing to take on patrol in the corridors in these nights, and he had never been questioned for his willingness to take on a duty most of his colleagues considered exhausting. But in the summer there were no students to keep in check, and so Remus allowed his body to carry him wherever it pleased. The summer nights were beautiful, almost bright with stars, and a soft breeze in the air.

But summer meant that he was also alone in the night. During term time there were so many people in the castle that being truely alone seemed like an impossible thing, and there was always someone else checking on students, soothing a bad nightmare, calming a fight. There was Filch, and sometimes Albus, and Minerva, and Severus, whose light steps Remus often heard behind a corner. They hardly ever met in these nights, but the man's silent presence had become something of a strange companion to Remus. Even now, during his summer wanderings in the forest Remus thought he heard something - the faint sound of someone apparating, a long hem rustling the grass. But when he turned around nobody was there but the moon and Remus' own thoughts. Alone he continued his aimless wanderings, in the woods or the castle, just a man walking with the moon. Still a man. Not yet the monster.

And then the first day of the full moon was there, and Remus thought he'd jump out of his skin if he were just capable of it. He went to Severus' private lab on the early evening of the full moon to take the Wolfsbane. They hadn't been working that very day, and Remus was sure the lab had never been that empty. The day's last sunlight filtered through the not-quite-clean windowpanes, drawing long columns of brilliant light on the sandstone floor, the dust dancing in the air. The tables were spotlessly clean, with not a cauldron in sight besides the single one holding the wolfsbane. The heating process was already over, the potion cooled to its proper temperature for taking. The door to the stock room in the back was open, and Severus nowhere in sight.

Remus had enough time to sniff the familiar concoction in the solitary cauldron until steps on the stone floor announced Severus' appearance. He held a clean glass jar, and looked visible annoyed at something Remus couldn't yet guess. He was obviously not set to work that very evening, and Remus wasn't sure if the pang in his stomach meant jealousy of someone's free time or something entirely different.

"Good evening. I see you have plans to go out later?"

Without hiding his curiosity Remus gave him the once-over, taking in his battered and faded dark denim, for the weather slightly too heavy black leather boots, and an obviously old t-shirt, the short sleeves revealing a bit too much pale skin than it was good for Remus' sanity. The Dark Mark was hidden beneath the same piece of cloth as always, and his right wrist was free of the bandage Poppy had replaced almost daily in the past weeks. He had taken it off in the morning, and Poppy had spent the entire lunch trying to talk Albus into reasoning Severus back into it - apparently without any visible success.

Placing the glass jar on the working table Severus raised an eyebrow. As it was his habit he skipped the formalities and ignored Remus' question.

"Is the goblet we usually use still in your rooms? It seems to have vanished from my lab."

Remus shrugged.

"I guess the house elves collected it last time and washed it, Merlin knows who's using it now. You should check in the kitchen."

Shaking his head Severus mumbled something very unfriendly about the general idea of property and it's forgeiness to houseleves, and then set to work transferring the potion from the cauldron into the glass jar. But even before the potion had fully found its way into its new home a soft sound behind Remus made him turn around.  
Behind him, just in front of the door, stood one of the strangest creatures he had ever seen. The thing looked a bit like an evil caricature of a house elf. Roughly proportioned like a tiny human it had dark grey skin, shriveled lips, and a generous amount of white hair. Its eyes were large, but shaped strangely and the dark irises seemed small around a black pupil. It wore something similar to a shrunken tunic over dark pants, belted around the area where Remus suspected its waist to be. Attached to the belt was a set of keys and a leather pouch. The creature didn't move, and - far more unnerving - it didn't seem to breathe.

Confused Remus stared at the creature, while Severus, still standing at work table, carefully allowed the last drop of the potion to run into the glass jar before he put the cauldron down. He didn't even look up, but said something in a language that sounded vaguely like bastardized latin, a melodic mumble. The creature nodded wordlessly, and was gone as quickly as it had appeared.

"What was that?"

Severus looked up, not even trying to hide his satisfaction at Remus' surprise.

"You are supposed to be the expert on Dark Arts here."

Remus snorted.

"Doesn't mean I've seen every little evil beast that crawls around on this planet. Or hovers. I've never seen something like this, at least."

Checking the cauldron for any remains of the potions Severus clicked his tongue.

"If you've never seen a Drak you should do some reading."

Done with his inspection of the completely empty cauldron Severus put it down again. Resisting the urge to gnaw his teeth Remus nodded, lacing his answer with just enough sarcasm to make it sound less like a small defeat.

"Of course, a Drak. Should've thought so myself."

Shrugging Severus nodded and pushed the glass jar into Remus general direction. Remus took it, but didn't drink yet.

"What the hell is a Drak? Some Death-Eater-appropriate version of a house elf?"

Brushing an invisible speck of dust from the work table Severus shook his head.

"Death-Eater-appropriate? You should be careful when talking about things you know nothing of. A Drak is some sort of spirit. Usually they are little tricksters, stealing, hording, setting things on fire, that kind of thing. Muggles believed they look like dragons, hence the name. Sometimes they attach themselves to humans, most often to other magical creatures. This one used to serve my master, and now works for me."

While speaking he set about to clean, carrying the cauldron over to the sink and taking the bottle of Nihilio from its spot on the desk with him. Remus sniffed the jar. It smelled just as terrible as always. With nothing more than an internal sigh he closed his eyes, and downed the liquid as fast as he could. It was revolting, to say the least, but he knew that there was nothing anybody could do about that.

Shuddering he put the jar down again, grateful that the conversation about the drak provided entertainment.

"Which one?"

For a second Severus stilled his cleaning effort, and then shrugged and continued to rinse the cauldron. The steam rising from the water suggested that it was close to the point of boiling.

"A valid question, I assume. Valentinus, the potions master who trained me. After his death the Drak decided to stay with me."

Still tasting the revoluting potion Remus nodded.

"So he's something like your house elf?"

Severus continuied his cleaning efforts, bestowing most of his intention on the cauldron in the sink.

"He does a few things a house elf would do, but he isn't a servant."

Remus watched him scrub, rinse and clean the cauldron once more with Nihilio, and then using a soft cloth to dry it. His hands had turned an angry red from the hot water.

"Place the jar in the sink, I'll see to it later."

The cauldron went to a temporary spot next to the sink, and while Remus deposited the jar into the sink Severus walked over to his desk, collected a jacket Remus hadn't noticed before, and gestured towards the door. Remus took the hint and walked over, leaving the lab. Severus followed him, draping the jacket over his shoulder. Halfway through the door Remus watched him stop, his brows furrorwing for a moment. Then he turned around, stalked back to the desk and retrieved his wand from a underneath a pile of paper. Casting another glance around he finally left the lab, and the door closed behind him with a heavy thud.

"So you have your own private evil house elf? You'll never cease to surprise."

It was supposed to be a good-hearted jest, but Severus simply allowed an eyebrow to rise a few millimeters. Only the hint of acid in his voice betrayed that he was starting to grow tired of Remus' questioning.

"I told you the Drak is not an evil house elf, as you put it. I do not appreciate the company of house elves in general."

Grinning Remus nodded.

"I can imagine. Far too chatty for you, right?"

Shrugging Severus pocketed the wand in the appropriate section of his jacket.

"Privacy is a good of great value, especially in a place like this. Good-bye."

Before Remus could answer he simply nodded once, turned on his heel and swiftly walked down the corridor. Remus could all but take the hint, return the farewell and watch his retreating backside with a certain amount of sadness. He'd like to have a night out, too, and that kind of denim - but the harsh taste of the Wolfsbane was still on his tongue, and he knew he'd better retreat to his quarters. It wasn't late, yet, but the moon would rise, and he had a soft furry carpet to sleep on.

Four days later Remus was just getting over the aches and pains of the transformation when the spindly beast he now knew was the Drak suddenly appeared in his private study. Remus almost dropped his teacup in surprise. He was very much sure that he hadn't invited the creature into his quarters. but the Drak didn't seem to care for simple things like that. Silently the spirit handed him a small piece of parchment, a look of disdain on its grey face. Remus put the cup down and took it.

"Uhm, thank you?"

The creature didn't move a single muscle in its face, and was gone as suddenly as it had appeared. Shaking his head Remus stared at the empty spot on his carpet. He'd need to speak with Severus about that, really.

The parchment wasn't any chattier than the messenger had been. It only announced that Severus intended to apparate into Diagon Alley the next day, and if Remus had any plans to accompany him he was instructed to be at the usual spot in the Forbidden Forest at a certain hour, and bring a cloak with a hood. That sounded rather unusual, but then Severus was never quite a man for doing things the easy way. Apparently even when it came to shopping.

Remus spent the day doing his own work and collecting shopping lists from Albus and Minerva. They spoke about the little excursion during lunch, and he was surprised to see Minerva fighting to suppress a laugh when Remus mentioned that he really hoped that they would spent some time at Flourish and Blotts. It was Albus who took the chance to enlighten him that shopping with Severus usually only meant going to Flurish and Blotts. Apparently Remus hadn't yet realized that Severus was the castle's current resident bibliomane.

They met in the Forbidden Forest the next day at the time the parchment had stated. Remus was almost perfectly on time, but even that way Severus was already there, dressed in his full academic regalia, buttoned up to his throat, the hodded cloak elegantly draped over his shoulders. Remus was glad that he had decided on his teacher's outfit as well, long robes in a dark burgundy, almost new. They exchanged a quick greeting, and apparated separately into Diagon Alley.

As luck would have it they had picked a good day. The always busy street wasn't too crowded, although even on a slow day shoppers milled around. Remus looked around, suddenly realizing that he hadn't left Hogwarts for quite a while, if he didn't count their trip to Oxford. Immediately he saw the odd student here and there, mostly with their parents, making the first purchases for the upcoming school year.

With an almost inaudible "plopp" Severus appeared next to him, even his cloak now buttoned all the way up. Remus only shook his head.

"Aren't you dying in this heat?"

Severus was unimpressed, nothing in his face suggesting that they had actually shared almost friendly conversations in the last weeks.

"Cooling spells, Lupin. Third year, if I recall correctly." But before Remus could answer he continued. "Did Albus and Minerva supply you with their lists?"

Nodding Remus produced two scrolls from the pockets of his coat. They grew remarkably in size in his hands, and he could almost see Severus' internal fight to keep a straight face.

"I see. We should deal with business in Diagon Alley first before we proceed. It would seem a good idea to split up. How much to do you need to buy?"

Remus glanced at the lists.

"Well, not much. I mostly want to go to Flourish and Blotts, and get some sweets. Albus and Minerva requested mostly books." He ignored the disparaging glance Severus threw in his direction as soon as he mentioned the words 'sweets".

"Splitting up might be helpful, but finding somebody here is always a pain." With a shudder Remus remembered loosing his mother in the chaos Diagon Alley was in the last week of the summer holidays. It had taken hours until they found each other again, and he remembered the feeling of being utterly lost for all mankind.

"As you wish. Flourish and Blotts, then."

Together they made their way down the street in the general direction of the bookstore. Remus enjoyed looking at the store windows, examining the newest Quidditch equipment in passing, while listening to the chatter of the shoppers. Magical folk tended to displays of joviality in public, especially when it came to loud laughing and story-telling with raised voices. There were small groups gathered in front of the store windows, loudly discussing the newest Wizarding Jokes and the daily news. Here and there someone carried a meowing cat or owl, and a few young men had their brooms shouldered in displays of proud ownership.

Severus didn't seem to be interested in all of that. His face firmly set into his usual mask of slight annoyance coupled with irritated aloofness he lead the way to the bookstore. But while he didn't look at anyone Remus saw passerbys looking at them. He wasn't sure if it had something to do with recognition - after all, Severus was Head of Slytherin House, and had been for a while - or if the simple message of the black clothing and the scrowl on his face were enough to scare their glances away. But there was something in the way people avoided them. Some maybe even nodded a friendly greeting towards Remus, and then did their best to ignore Severus as best as they could. He had a reputation, Remus realized, and people either knew or quickly picked up on it. Nobody crossed their path or disturbed their walk, and nobody stopped for a quick chat.

Quickly their reached Flourish and Blotts, and Remus followed Severus inside. The coolness inside the cramped store was remarkable, and the smell of books immediately filled Remus' nose. He couldn't help but feel his spirits rising.

The door hadn't closed behind them yet when a tiny wizard in dark green robes came bouncing towards them.

"Professor, as always an honour. You are here to collect your orders?"

Severus nodded. "Indeed." The small wizard clapped his hands and bowed eagerly.

"Almost everything arrived. But I have the displeasure to report a problem with the oldfrench manuscript you ordered. If you wouldn't mind following me, so we can discuss that in private - ?"

Severus shot a quick glance to Remus, who motioned towards the large bookstore and waved him off. Following the small wizard Severus vanished through a door into what Remus presumed to be an office, and Remus was free to roam the paradise himself. He first collected the titles from Minervas' and Albus' lists, and then lost himself in the maze of bookshelves. The books around him seemed to whisper, all of them simultaneously, beckoning him to pick them up. Read me, it sang in his ears, I can grant you wisdom. Buy me, I will entertain you. Oh, you will love me, you won't sleep for a week, I promise.

Quickly his basket was full. He strolled through the section with fictional works, cast a glance at new biographies, and then found a free chair in the section labeled "Potions &amp; Herbology". He didn't need long to pick a selection of books and settled down to read the first chapters and flip through the pages. Decisions like this were always difficult for him. He had been on the run for such a long time, had never been able to buy things, especially not things as heavy as books. But now he had a proper home, a place where he lived and kept bookshelves of his very own, not speaking of the salary that actually made buying books possible. Still he tried to avoid unnecessary purchases, and one could read only so many books in a lifetime. The wolf, after all, was illiterate.

Within minutes he was absorbed in the books on his lap. He had no idea how much time had actually passed when he looked up between the fifth and six Herbology book and found Severus sitting on a low shelf next to him. He had a small stack of books next to him, holding a rather large tome simply titled "Nymphaea - Care and Uses in Spagyrical Experiments" balanced on his knees. His long cloak spilled all over the low shelf, and the book looked strangely colorful next to the sea of black fabric that surrounded it. He seemed to flip through the book with only minimal concentration, and immediately looked up when he felt Remus' glance upon him. In the warm light in the bookstore his features seemed to soften, the cool detachment temporarily gone.

"Difficult decisions?"

Remus blinked, hoping that he wasn't blushing too hard. Or at all. He willed the warmth spreading through his stomach to die away.

"I wanted something sufficient to work with to train my Herbology skills, but it's rather difficult. I guess I have to give your book back one day, right?"

Closing the volume he held and replacing it on the shelf behind him Severus nodded.

"Do you want a recommendation?"

Picking up his own stack of books Remus passed them on to Severus. He took them and balanced them on his knees, quickly discarding the first three and casually flipping through the next ones.

"Just as I thought. Take the Luitgard for Hebology, it's excellent. She was a great witch, and her books are still read today for a reason." Opening an especially colourful book on potions he made a noise that would have send his students underneath their tables in panic. "What do people want with all these pictures? As if that would explain anything. Assmar is an idiot, and you can trust me on that, I had the displeasure to work with him. Don't buy his books. Someone ought to write a proper complete work on the basics of potions, but I don't see that happening anytime soon."

Remus grinned at the utter look of horror with which Severus regarded the book he had found at the bottom of the stack.

"Why won't you write it yourself?" He couldn't help but tease, though he had no idea if Severus routinely wrote books. Just to be sure he made a mental note to check that later. Meanwhile Severus pulled a face and closed the book with a snap.

"No time. But Libavius should really start working on a good introduction, he has the teaching experience and a good knack to explain things."

Handing the Herbology book he had picked to Remus he transferred the remaining stack to the shelf next to him. A silent spell and they floated away, reinserting themselves into their proper places in the shelves.

"We should go, before either of us buys up the whole shop. Are you done here?"

Nodding Remus got up, collecting his basket and following Severus through the shelves. They passed "Tea Leaves &amp; The Hidden Truth" and turned to the right next to "Transformations - Advanced Works".

"I guess I could spent a day and a night here. I don't even know where to start."

Severus looked at his basket.

"Feel free to use my library, if you feel that the Hogwarts Library is lacking anything. Without being pompous I guess I own one of the more extensive collections in the castle."

Remus' eyebrows were only stopped when they reached his hairline.

"Your private library? Is that a joke?"

But Severus only shrugged.

"Why not? Books should be read, dust doesn't make them better. Albus and Minerva both use my library and I theirs, it's been an arrangement since years now, and so far has proven to be very functional. I see no reason why you shouldn't be included into that."

Before Remus could answer they passed the shelf entitled "Quidditch - Equipment and Rules" and reached the open main room again. The small wizard was already waiting for them, transforming a remarkably large stack into a more useful size and calculating the bill. When he finally uttered the number Remus felt the need to stop his mouth from falling open, but Severus paid without batting an eye. To Remus relief his own bill was much more affordable, and the wizard packed his books and the orders he had taken from Albus and Minerva into a box with Severus' own haul.

"We'll ship everything directly to Hogwarts, as usual. A good day to you, Professor and Professor."

The small wizard bowed a bit too deep, almost toppled over, and Remus saw the badly hidden eye-roll behind Severus' curt nod. He absolutely understood what made the little wizard that happy - a customer like Severus could probably keep the whole shop in business without any problems.

And then they were out on the street again. "What else do you need?"

The sweets, and as Remus had expected Severus remained safely outside of Syrians' Sweet Shoppe. Remus had no such concerns for his reputation and threw himself into the delightful chaos of Babushka bars, egyptian Pistachio loops and Damascene silk drops. The long rows of glass jars were filled with all kinds of tempting goods, and Remus could only just so resist buying far too many of the colourful delights. The sales counter offered even more freshly made treats - honey filled bee-slices, small smoking liquorice pipes and chocolate covered bouncing bears were the day's special offer. Carefully he picked a variety of items that would survive being transported in the hot weather conditions they faced outside, and added another bag of lemon drops he knew Albus would enjoy. Through the window he saw Severus draped against a lamp-post, arms crossed in front of his chest and compellingly playing the role of annoyed waiting person.

Finally Remus, having paid for his treasure, saved him from an untimely death caused by boredom.

"What did you buy in there, the entire shop?"

Grinning Remus offered him the small brown paper bag the sales girl had packed a fresh peanut snail into. Shaking his head Severus declined with barely hidden contempt.

"Thank you, save it for Albus. He'll be delighted. I need to got to the pharmacy, there are some issues with the orders for the new year."

With visible joy Remus took a bite of the peanut snail and followed Severus chewing. The pharmacy was dark and had much less traffic than the Sweet Shoppe. It didn't take long for the accountant Severus usual did business with to appear, and they had a heated discussion about the quality of a certain ingredient. In the end the man gave in, unwillingly and growling, and gave Severus the better conditions he had wanted. Remus listened patiently and not without amusement. It was fun listening to Severus' rhetoric and admire his capability to talk people into almost anything - as long as oneself wasn't on the receiving end of it, that was. The deal was signed off without further ado, and they left the pharmacy with a small bag with still twitching fresh spider legs in Severus' cloak pockets.

Without any commentary Severus then led them further down Diagon Alley. The traffic became lighter almost immediately, and suddenly they rounded a corner and faced the entrance to Knockturn Alley.

"As I said, I have some more business to do. Been here before?"

Remus shock his head, peering into the crooked alley. Severus grinned, with a hint of maliciousness on his face.

"Then have fun."

Remus frowned, but Severus simply pulled up the hood of his cloak and stepped into the dimly lit alley. Following his example Remus hastened to not stay behind, as discreetly as he could making sure that his wand was right where it was supposed to be.

Their surroundings almost immediately changed. The houses stood closer together here than in Diagon Alley, crouching, leaning onto each other. Sometimes their roofs almost touched over the alley, rendering it much darker then the hour of the day would normally allow. Everything seemed a bit more gloomy and shabby. The dirt on the street was disgusting, and most of the lamps seemed broken. It was almost a caricature of what Remus would have thought an evil liar should look like, but it was strangely real. Only here and there others were seen walking, shrouded in cloaks, hoods covering their faces. Most of the time Remus didn't even know if they passed by a man or woman.

Deeper and deeper they ventured into Knockturn Alley. Soon most of the houses seemed to be empty, the windows blind, doors covered with bars and nailed shut. The ground was wet, strange pools of - Remus didn't want to know, really. Severus seemed to know exactly where he was headed, leading them deeper and deeper into the Alley, and then suddenly turning to the left and vanishing into an even smaller opening. Remus followed quickly. He couldn't shake of the feeling that someone was following them, but looking over his shoulders nothing but a stray cat moved. He chalked it up to his imagination. Must be the darkness. And the ugly smell.

Then they stopped in front of a particular rundown house. A long time ago a shop must have been on the ground floor, but now the large windows were broken and Remus saw nothing but dust and debris inside. The door next to it was closed and there wasn't a single light visible. Nevertheless Severus tilted his head and looked upwards, fixing his gaze upon a certain window on the first floor. For a moment Remus thought that there was a movement in the dirty curtains, but he could have been wrong.

But Severus seemed satisfied, walked over to the barricaded door, and knocked against it four times. Then he waited a short moment, and knocked once more. Remus heard the sound echo into the empty silence of the house. For a moment nothing happened.

Then he heard shuffled steps inside the house, coming closer very slowly. The sound made his toes curl, but he forced himself to stay calm and not move an inch. Severus seemed odly relaxed, which Remus counted as a good sign towards their chance of survival. Finally there was a strange sound behind the door, and suddenly the wooden boards barricading the door vanished into thin air. In the door frame stood a woman, shriveled and tiny, who seemed to be at least two hundred years old. Her hair was grey and dirty, a messy cloud around her head. She stared hard at Remus out of almost blind eyes, before her gaze fixed itself upon Severus.

Then she shrugged, murmured something, and turned around. The door remained open, and Severus didn't hesitate a moment and entered the house with Remus on his heels. Inside the house seemed just as ruined as from the outside. There were thick cobwebs in every corner and down the walls, the windows blind with dirt, the rooms almost empty. The few remaining pieces of furniture were covered with white cloth, as one would do with a corpse before burial. Remus shivered in the strange chill.  
It seemed as if the corridor would never end, and Remus quickly realized that there was unusual magic at work. The old woman walked on and on, shuffling her feet and muttering incomprehensible things beneath her breath. The smell was disgusting.

Finally they reached a heavy wooden door, and the woman shock the knob a few times before it finally opened. She walked into the room with a bit more speed, and Severus followed her.

Remus stopped dead in his tracks on the threshold.

In front of him lay a large oval room, the walls panelled in dark wood, the whole space bright with light coming through a large green rooflight. The walls were covered with shelves which were filled with jars and bottles, flasks and small boxes. There were trunks on the floor and large caskets, a small coffin here and there, stacks of books and cages with monster books and strange creatures. In the middle of it all stood a large table, made out of dark wood. Behind it a another slim work table was placed, covered in potions utensils - cauldrons and more jars, bowls made out of what seemed to be emerald and ruby, alabaster and wood. It was a cabinet of wonders, filled with many things Remus had no idea could be of use to anyone. What did anyone need charred wooden planks for? Large and hopefully properly killed crocodiles? Bones tied together with silk strings? Eyeballs in blue liquid? Chains with shark teeth? Shrunken heads of goblins?

On the large table in the middle only a few items were stacked - books, a few vials, a leather pouch. The old woman shuffled around the table, and her hunchback almost prohibited her from looking at both men. Sighing with a coarse voice she put both her hands on the table and transformed with such a speed that Remus almost jumped back. She grew in height, and suddenly someone completely different took her place. Gone was the mob of hair, the swollen feet, and the hunched back. In her place stood a slightly oriental looking wizard, very tall and of slim build, with soft dark curls carefully tied back in his neck. He was dressed entirely in black, and even in the dim green light cast by the rooflight Remus realized that his frock coat must have cost a fortune. His face was a bit broad, with a strong jaw and almond shaped eyes sparkling with humour. He was visibly enjoying Remus surprise at his sudden transformation, and a small smile tugged at his lips.

"Master, a pleasure as always."

Severus bowed his head, very slightly, and the wizard repeated the gesture immediately.

"Oh yes, indeed. Too much honour, though. I received your message a few days ago."

His voice was musical and soft, his accent thick and betraying his heritage from somewhere decidedly off the coast of Great Britain.

"Not the diploma makes the master, but then we've had this discussion before. Do you have what I requested?"

The man smiled fully now, revealing a set of not entirely straight teeth. Remus fought hard not to stare. There was just something about this wizard that spoke of an intense temperament, and Remus imagined that he could feel the magic surrounding him. His slim hands, adorned with heavy silver rings set with gemstones fluttered through the air gracefully, lending more importance to his words and complimenting them perfectly.

"It is my pleasure to tell you that I do. Alantwater, Bloodberryextrakt, both of them perfectly distilled and clear." He pointed towards two vials. "The bloodberries are delicious this year." He picked up a pouch. "Dried Eupatoria, Waternutseeds, Zichoriadust. All from reliable sources, and tested by myself."

Casually strolling forwards Severus closed the distance between him and the table. "As always I would like to quickly prove your words."

Still smiling the wizard nodded once more before fixing his gaze upon Remus. "And as always you may."

While Severus busied himself with the vials and leather pouch the dark gaze of the wizard stayed on Remus, who had the strange impression that the man was either flirting with him or using some kind of legilimency he couldn't fully detect. There was a strange sensation in his stomach, suddenly, and he felt warm and strangely happy. Feeling a bit dizzy Remus blinked. Then he noticed a soft tingling sensation on his forehead, a little bit as if an invisible finger was gently prodding against his skull, carefully examining how much resistance there would be. The dizziness increased - he blinked rapidly, and out of the corner of his eyes saw Severus slowly tilt his head to the side. Before Remus understood if there was meaning behind that minimal and slow movement he felt as if a thick and cool blanket had been draped over his head, effectively blocking out everything else. Confused he shock his head, trying not to stumble backwards.

Then he heard Severus cough silently, and the sensation was gone as soon as it had come, although Remus head was still spinning a bit.

"Your wares meet my approval, however - "

Severus didn't continue his sentence, and the wizard raised his hands.

"I see. Well, pitty, indeed." He smiled again at Remus, who tried to blink as often as he could and not return the gaze. Just to be sure.

When he looked at the table the next time it was empty, and he could only see the edge of a small bag vanishing into the wizards' robes. The man smiled again, this time at Severus, who softly shock his head.

"I see you are unchanged, Master. So, tell me, how are things in the Palazzo della Caldeia?"

This time the smile on the wizards face was much broader.

"Everything is as it was. The Palazzo is still standing. Master Colonna sends his wishes to you, as does my mistress. Both of them are very well. Ama et fac quod vis!"  
Shaking his head Severus smiled. "I am glad to hear that. Send my regards."

The man bowed slightly once more. "I will, and I hope you will stay in good health, too, you and your compagno."

Once more Remus felt the glance upon him, dark eyes staring straight at him - and once again suddenly it was gone. Severus only nodded and turned around, motioning for Remus to follow him.

"If fate will have it. Good-bye, until we meet again."

Remus simply nodded, and made sure that he kept as close to Severus' back as it was possible without stepping on his heels. The whole situation wasn't to his likening, and he was happy that they left the house. This time the corridor seemed very short, and they reached the front door quickly. It opened silently, but slammed shut with proper force behind them. Then they were out on the street again, breathing in the stale air. Remus exhaled gratefully and realized that it was darker around them then it was supposed to be.

"What the - what time is it?"

Severus cast a quick glance at him, and raised an eyebrow. Then he shock his head, which Remus interpreted as the sign to stay silent. He hadn't expected what happened next. He felt a soft impulse of magic, nothing like the probing sensation that had prodded his skull inside the room.

_"This isn't a good place for mindless chatter."_

Shocked Remus blinked again rapidly. He had heard Severus answer, clearly, but he was also sure that he hadn't actually seen him speak. And that meant - oh no. He stared at Severus angrily, who only sighed and shock his head.

_"I'm not even inside your mind. On the contrary, you are inside of mine. Think whatever you want, I won't hear it."_

If Severus had indeed read his mind he would have learned a few swear words he maybe had never heard before. Or maybe had. But his complete unmoving demeanor reassured Remus, at least a bit. He would give him an earful back in Hogwarts, that much was for sure.

_"I see you can cope. There is something else I have to do, but first let us leave."_

Remus nodded silent approval, and then followed Severus down the small alley. It was darker now than it had been before, and Remus really didn't like his surroundings anymore. He could see shadows, and most of them were far more alive than he liked them to be. Turning around a corner he once more had the sudden impression that one of them was following him. He quickly threw a glance over his shoulder, but everything seemed calm. Shaking his head he caught up with Severus again, only to almost run into him when he suddenly stopped.

They were standing almost exactly in front of the entrance door to a rather unsavoury establishment that seemed to be the most rundown magical pub Remus had ever seen. And he wasn't one to be easily put off by something - his few years in muggle poverty had taken him to placed the magical world would never see. He saw Severus shrug.

_"Fancy a drink? We won't be long."_

Remus blinked. Severus must have lost his marbles. How could someone fancy a drink in something like this?

_"Feel free to leave, if you'd prefer to."_

Looking around Remus pulled a face and shook his head. He wasn't even sure if he'd find the way back on his own, at least not without getting lost a few times. He also didn't see a sign saying "No Werewolves" with the appropriate ring to leash up your monster - a joke he would have loved to pull, had Severus not condemned him to silence. Shrugging he just followed him inside. As much as he hated being rendered wordless, there was something to be said about having the dark voice directly projected into his mind. It could have lend him to some very improper thoughts, but as he wasn't still a hundred percent certain that Severus really wasn't reading his mind he kept a firm control over his thoughts.

The interior of the pub wasn't any better than the exterior promised. It was dark, dirty, and stank like some of the worst caves Remus had ever slept hin. Remus kept his hood over his face as securly as possible when he noticed that nobody in the whole establishment seemed to show their face. They took seats at the bar, and Severus ordered two whiskey in a tone of voice that would have gotten both of them kicked out anywhere else. But the bartender only grunted, and slapped two glasses of Fireball whiskey down in front of them. Severus growled something under his breath and adjusted his hood that more of his face became visible.

_"Wouldn't drink it if I were you."_

Remus simply growled at the voice in his head. Severus, in the meantime, seemed simply to be staring ahead, looking utterly bored. He turned a cigarette he had gotten from who-knew-where between his long hands, from time to time sipping his whiskey. For a while nothing happened, and Remus wondered why exactly they were here. Then he heard the sound of a muggle lighter being used, and glanced over Severus' shoulder at the young man sitting next to them at the bar.  
He was astonishingly beautiful, and the fact that he wasn't even wearing a cloak made his appearance seem even more out of place. A slim cut face with high cheekbones and large bright green eyes, surrounded by a perfectly cared for mass of silky, almost white blond hair - if Remus hadn't known better he would have been convinced that he was looking a Malfoy in the eyes. But there was something different about this man, although his elegantly cut clothing would have been to Lucius' taste.  
Apparently Severus had noticed him, too.

"You have fire?"

He held out a hand, not even trying to be polite, his voice without its usual silkiness, pitched into a coarse accent that could even tempt Remus into agression. The young man turned his head, looked at whatever was visible underneath the dark hood, and raised an eyebrow. For a moment he seemed to fight hiding utter contempt, but then his breeding won over and the dropped the blue plastic lighter into Severus' palm.

"Thanks."

The man nodded, still not saying anything. Severus didn't react, lightened up his cigarette, and took a deep drag. Holding the lighter out to the young man again the former owner shook his head in thinly veiled disgust.

"Keep it."

Severus shrugged, and pocketed the lighter in his robes. The young man looked at him again, then wrinkled his nose and threw a few coins on the bar. With more elegance than the establishment had earned he slid off his bar stool, crossed the room, and slammed the door shut. The bartender picked the coins up and spit on the floor.

"Are you scaring away my customers, eh?"

Severus put his glass down without drinking and threw a few coins at the bartender who barely managed to catch them.

"Watch your tongue, and be glad that you're receiving any payment at all for the shit you're selling here. Better clean your taproom and when you're done continue with yourself."

The bartender almost choked on his anger, but Severus slid off his own bar stool and stalked out of the pub in a huffed cloud of black fabric. Remus made haste to follow him, and on the whole way out half expected an angry curse to be thrown at his back. But although the bartender was sputtering insults nothing happened.

Outside he took in the relatively clean air - compared to the pub it was clean and fresh! - and shook his head at Severus, who had a smirk on his face Remus didn't like.

_"Good. We should leave."_

Remus had no idea what kind of work Severus meant, but leaving was perfectly fine with him. Following Severus through the small alley he once again had the impression that one of the shadows was following them. The feeling didn't leave, even though they soon reached the corner where they could turn onto Diagon Alley. The stores were closed now, but there were still people walking the street and looking at the brightly lit windows, and the streetlamps provided enough magical light. Remus felt his muscles relax and pushed his hood off his head.

"I believe I can speak again."

Severus looked at him from the side.

"In Knockturn Alley everything can have ears and eyes."

They made their way down Diagon Alley towards the Apparition Point. But even now, on the open street with the lights on Remus couldn't shake off the feeling of them being followed. He stopped dead in his tracks a few times and looked around, but nothing moved.

"Sorry, I just thought - maybe I'm overreacting."

Severus threw a glance over his own shoulders.

"I wouldn't be too sure. As I said, unsavoury areas."

Nodding Remus caught up with him again. It seemed fine, and he was sure that it was just his nerves. Quickly they reached the public Apparition corner, and Remus felt more at ease at the thought of being at home very soon.

Severus stepped into the corner first, and seconds later was gone. Remus followed suit, looking forward to the calm familiarity of the Forbidden Forest. He concentrated on his route, and felt the world around him slowly blur out. Seconds before he finally vanished he felt as if he saw a shadow moving, but he couldn't see anything clearly anymore. Then he was gone.

When he reopened his eyes he stood on the small clearing in the Forbidden Forest. The air was fresh and filled with the scent of wood and plants, the trees rustling in the soft evening breeze. He exhaled, relaxed even more, and then followed Severus, who had already walked over to the edge of the clearing, right to the spot where the path towards Hogwarts vanished inside the forest.

Remus caught up with him quickly, and together they left the clearing. But they hadn't even been three steps down the path when both of them heard a very faint and very familiar sound. A soft "plopp" echoed over the clearing, and before Remus could do anything he felt Severus take a firm hold of his upper arm and pull him off the path into the forest. They stumbled behind a large bush covering them, while still giving them a good view on the clearing.

Remus felt his pulse beating fast, his hand automatically reaching for his wand.

"Does that - "

He whispered, but before he even finished his sentence his voice was gone. It was a quick spell and gone immediately again. In the moonlight he saw Severus place a finger to his own lips and nod. Then Remus heard the voice in his head again.

_"We seem to have a visitor."_

Shuddering Remus stared through the branches of the bush, thankful for the full leaves granting them coverage, concentrating on the the clearing. He immediately saw that Severus had been right. There was a large shadow visible in the pale moonlight, and it was moving.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 20/11.2014 (revised 22/10/2015)

_Ama et fac quod vis - Love, and then do what you want._


	12. You got some nerve

**You got some nerve**

They stood in silence for a second, focused on the figure moving on the clearing. Remus willed himself into complete stillness, breathing controlled and eyes easily focused in the dark. He had only needed a few moments until his sight had adjusted and the open space before him came into clean focus in the dark. Next to him he felt Severus silent and concentrated. Their closeness crept into Remus' mind for a short moment, Severus' hand still on his arm, but he didn't have time to pursue the thought further.

Then the shadow on the clearing moved into a spot where the moonlight shone through the trees, and remained standing in the dim spotlight for a short moment. Remus made out a face, brutish features, and small gleaming eyes. Within a split second it clicked in his mind and he knew whom he was looking at.

"The man from the newspaper - "

His voice was but a whisper, perfectly silenced into a barely audible breath.

But Severus understood him. His own gaze was fixed upon the man, too, and when Remus threw a quick glance at him he couldn't quite interpret what he saw in his face. He didn't react immediately, still focused on the clearing. Remus ran through a number of possible scenarios, his hand tightend on the wand in his cloak pocket. They couldn't allow the wanted man to come any closer to the castle, that much was obvious. Going by strenght in numbers they had the clear advantage over their single interuder. It didn't seem like any elaborate tactic would be necessary. He turned towards Severus, motioning with his head towards the clearing.

But Severus' hand on his arm stilled his movement, and looking at Remus he slowly shook his head, still perfectly silent. Then he took a step back, careful not to tread on any dry branches on the ground. Noiselessly he drew a hand over the buttons of his cloak, opening them with silent magic, and slipped it off his shoulders. Repeating the movement with the buttons of the frock coat he was wearing underneath and slipping that off, too, he effectively freeing himself of the layers of black fabric that were his trademark. Surprised Remus stared at him.

"What - "

But Severus shook his head again, and moved to drape his cloak over a nearby branch. Without thinking Remus held a hand out. Severus paused, but then placed both items in Remus' hands.

_"Don't intervene."  
_  
Even in his mind the voice was but a dim whisper, but Severus looked straight at him and Remus frowned.

"Are you sure - ?"

The concentration on Severus' face made way for the small malicious grin.

_"Yes."_

Then he turned around.

Slowly and almost noiselessly he walked through the underwood, a feat on the uneven floor with all the dried branches that probably was only enabled by a cleverly placed spell. Then he was on the path in the open, strolling leisurely towards the clearing where the man Remus knew from the newspaper - what had been his name? The ministry spy? He couldn't remember - was walking around trying to determine where he was.

Remus wasn't fond of letting Severus approach the clearing on his own. He had ample fighting experience himself, and it felt strange being forced to stay on the sidelines of what was with certainty going to turn into battle. But then Remus had a clear view of everything and could intervene at any given moment. Still feeling slightly frustrated by being relegated into idleness Remus draped the coats properly over his arm, noticing how lightweight the heavy-looking fabric actually was, and despite his mind being busy with other things picking up the subtle smell of verbena, strong assam and smoke clinging to the fabric. Irritated he forced his attention away from their idle straying and back into focusing on the clearing.

Severus reached the section where the path merged with the clearing quickly and stood still for a moment. Remus only saw his back, with his hands innocently clasped, conveniently hiding his wand from sight. Remus hadn't even noticed him taking it from his cloak, or wherever it had been hidden before. For a split second he became aware that he hadn't seen Severus use his wand at all in the past weeks, neither for brewing nor for performing other spells. It seemed that he still needed it for a good fight, though.

At first nothing happened. The man still had his back to Severus, who simply stood waiting, his white shirt gleaming slightly in the weak light. He seemed strangely relaxed, as if he had been wandering the forest at night going on a leisurely stroll and had only on accident ended up on the clearing.

When the man finally turned around and realized he wasn't alone he made a very fast movement betraying the accomplished fighter and then stopped. Severus didn't flinch.

"Ha, so it was you? Creeping up to me, you lucky bastard, could've killed you."

His voice was coarse and Remus instantly knew that he was looking at the man he had seen at the Opium den. So this was where he had known the face in the newspaper from. He cursed silently for not seeing the connection earlier, and then looked through the leaves once more. This was going to be very interesting, then, and it also explained why Severus had been keen on keeping Remus away from the situation.

But then the fight seemed to develop only slowly, and it looked as if the man on the clearing wasn't even expecting one. He stood straight and overconfident, and next to him Severus suddenly appeared much smaller. He seemed to make a strange effort to appear less threatening than he actually could be by one simple manipulation of his posture, shifting from his usually stable stance into a strange constant movement. As soon as the man had adressed him he had started to fidget on the spot, coming into a rocking motion, shifting his weight from his toes to his heels in a stupid, constant movement that seemed as if it could throw him completely off balance any minute. It annoyed Remus almost immediately.

"Must be my lucky day, Overy."

Even Severus' voice had shifted, returning to the dark purr that had nearly driven Remus crazy in the Opium den, and for a moment Remus wondered what kind of facial expression went with it this time. But he only saw Harold Overy - now he remembered the name! - and the sudden lust in his face.

"Oh yes, it is your lucky day for sure."

The man idly stepped forward, but didn't move further. Severus didn't seem to mind, humming something under his breath, still swaying gently back and forth.

"Just wonder, you know, how you came here. Really, haven't expected you here."

Overy laughed.

"You know, there are spells. Stuff you don't understand, of course, but let me make it easy for you. I'll try to explain. We have these pattern tracing spells, very useful little things used to understand apparition behavior - are these too many long words for you? Well. I wasn't sure if it was you I saw in Diagon Alley, but I recognised that rugged bloke you were with and voilà, here I am."

Remus was offended, not because he hadn't thought of himself as a rugged bloke, but because Overy spoke with Severus as if he were facing a slightly slow house elf. But then Severus didn't look very smart, fidgeting on his spot as he was, and the slight shift in his speech patterns didn't help. To Remus' the act was painfully obvious, but Overy seemed genuinely of the impression that he was the smart one when talking to Severus - something people usually came to regret very soon. But right now Severus still seemed to enjoy the little charade.

"I see. Fancy thing, that spell."

Overy flashed a grin.

"Told you I can do great things with magic."

The self-praise and the sense of selfhood almost made Remus choke.

"So you said. Does your fancy spell also tell you where you are?"

The grin on Overy's face stayed steady, broadened even. He looked around once more and then shrugged.

"Some wood in Scotland. You live here?"

Strangely enthusiastic Severus nodded.

"Splendid! You really know everything. A wood in Scotland, yes."

The sugar in his voice would have been enough to give a grown man diabetes, and Remus nearly choked at the cattiness of it all. But at the same time Severus stopped his swaying movement - finally, if one had asked Remus - and moved a few steps in onto the clearing. Overy had no idea, but Remus realized that he was placing himself between the castle and the man, blocking the only open pathway from which the clearing could be left. The man wouldn't get out of these woods, that much was sure.

"Yes yes, I live here. It's called Forbidden Forest, isn't that a nice name."

Surprised Overy raised his eyebrows.

"Oh dear me, we're in Hogwarts? Really? My alma mater! Wonderful. You know, I'm a Gryffindor."

It took all of Remus self-control to not slam his palm against his forehead, and he could have sworn that he almost heard Severus' choked laughter.

"What a surprise."

For a small second his voice fell out of his treacly drawl, and the sudden dryness would have alerted any sober human being to the impending danger. Overy, however, was immune to such details.

"Yes, the House of the Brave and the Loyal. How come something like you lives here? They employ squibs?"

It seemed that either Overy was just as dumb as Remus imagined, or he had a rather special sense of humour. Severus crooked his head slightly, and Remus wished he could have saved this moment somehow, just for the sheer pleasure of watching someone call the Head of Slytherin a squib and being entirely convinced he was right.

"They found a nice little spot for me here, nice and calm. There was a bit of space in the dungeons, you see."

Remus waited for the explosion, the final second of understanding in Overy's face after a hint that strong. But he put too much faith into the stout ministry worker turned incapable self-employed spy. Severus could have thrown silver-and-green glittering snakes at him and Overy would have thought it a nice touch for his welcome that simply had ended up on the wrong end of the colour-palette.

"I remember, there was much space there. So what are you doing, some sort of janitor job? They are running a program to integrate squibs into wizarding society at the school now?"

Severus tilted his head again.

"Something to that extent. But, really, I adore our little chat, but I have to get back, they won't be happy. What can I do for you tonight?"

Overy stepped forward once more, and Severus released his arms from his back and dropped them to his sides, effectively bringing his wand into Overy's line of sight for the first time. The man stopped again.

"My, who gave you a wand? Do you even know how to use it?"

Severus cast a glance down at his left hand, and then shrugged.

"So many difficult questions. Is that important?"

Overy stared at him, now with open and unabashed hunger in his eyes.

"No, not really I guess, though I'm not sure if a squib having a wand might not be against the law."

While he spoke Severus changed his standing position, shifting his weight just a bit, and started to unbutton his cuffs with the slowest of movements, all the while still balancing his wand between his fingers. With the ease of someone having all the time in the world he rolled both sleeves up to a point just underneath his elbow, and then stretched. Remus knew it was nothing but show, but it worked. Overy couldn't take his eyes off him. The Dark Mark seemed strangely visible in the pale moonlight.

"Oh yes, what do I want. You see, we had that agreement, and it was really rather favorable."

Dropping his arms back to his sides Severus shrugged.

"Ah, but you're worthless now. Blew your cover, did you, and who's going to give you information now? Nay, you're no longer interesting."

That kind of answer - or any kind of resistance - was something Overy hadn't expected, and his eyebrows shot up.

"Not sure you're meaning that, boy. Anyway, why let's not go somewhere a bit nicer than these woods, you sure have a hut somewhere, don't you?"

Remus rolled his eyes in the dark. He wasn't sure he had ever met someone as dense as Overy. But then Severus clearly enjoyed the strange game unfolding on the clearing. At least up until this point.

"As much as I enjoy our lovely chat, really, absolutely adore it - you're starting to bore me. I'd say it's time for you to leave."  
Gone was the dark drawl, replaced by a tone of voice Remus and every student Severus had ever taught knew too well. And even Overy picked up on that.

"New side of you, boy? You got a lot of nerve. Nice, I like them a bit feisty. It's just a little too dark here, don't you think? Let's go somewhere with a bit more light. You're not that ugly, after all."

For a short second nothing happened. Then, out of nowhere, Overy stood in a ring of fire that suddenly soared up from the ground, burning the grass and making the man yelp with surprise. For a split second the whole clearing was lightened by its intense golden glow, casting long shadows in the darkness. Then it was gone again, though the scent of burnt grass remained in the air.

"What the hell - "

Overy didn't finish his sentence.

"I thought you wanted light."

Another flame shot into the air centimeters away from Overy's right foot, and the man jumped into the air like a scared cat. Remus snickered in the dark. Now this was getting entertaining.

"What - who taught you these spells? It's illegal for a squib to use a wand like that and -"

But he couldn't finish his sentence, having to flee again from the fire that suddenly emerged from beneath his shoes.

"I'm terribly sorry. You see, that fire is a bit difficult to control."

Severus shrugged, still standing rather relaxed. He hadn't even moved his wand. Overy needed some effort to collect himself and sooth his ruffled feathers.

"Who taught you that? Is that dark wizard now training his underlings in these things?"

The scent of burnt grass was now much more prominent, with smoke added to it, but even though Overy carefully regarded the meadow beneath his feet nothing happened.

"But you always said you liked playing with fire."

Overy growled, producing his own wand from his pocket.

"Now don't make me overpower you."

Remus grinned in the dark, and he heard Severus laugh softly.

"Spare yourself the pain. You will apparate away from here within the next twenty seconds, and we will forget about this."

It was an order, not a suggestion, but Overy didn't take well to being ordered around.

"And if I don't you'll do what? Come on, don't be ridiculous. You don't stand a chance against me."

He laughed, a brutish sound deep in his throat, despite the small display of fire still very sure of himself. He hadn't lost many a duell in the past years, that much was obvious from the way he handled the situation.

"That remains to be seen. But what do I do then? Cashing in on the money on your head seems tempting, but simply getting rid of you would be rather pleasurable, too."

Somehow Overy seemed to suddenly develop a certain grasp on the severity of the situation he was in. He cast a more doubtful glance at Severus, his wand gripped a bit tighter then before.

"You think you could kill me like that?"

Severus shrugged.

"It's less about being able to than about being willing to, wouldn't you agree."

He tipped his head to the side, in a slight angle.

"I could offer you my current body count to enable you a good shot a guessing the probability of your survival?"

Now the last trace of the feigned innocence in Severus' voice was gone for good, and the neutral coolness implied that he was not only in the possession of something like a body count, but also kept it immaculately up-to-date and had no qualms about adding another corpse to it. Remus noticed that Overy took on a stance resembling the basic duelling positions he had seen in his youth in the corridors. His visible preparation for a fight looked strange compared to Severus, who still seemed perfectly relaxed and at ease.

"You wouldn't - who do you think you are?"

Ever since Severus had slightly moved onto the clearing Remus could not only see his back but also his profile, and it wasn't difficult to pick up on the fact that somehow Severus seemed to enjoy the situation more then he was supposed to. The slowly spreading smirk on his face reminded Remus of a cat playing with its dinner while the unfortunate creature was still alive and squealing.

"I never knew you were a man for these big existential questions! Let's keep this a bit lighter, less complicated. What do you think I am?"

Overy tried to look uninterested, still gripping his wand rather tight.

"Some bored low-ranked Death Eater, I assume. Thought you were a squib, but it looks as if you lied to me."

Somehow the last part of Overys sentence indicated that he was deeply flustered by the mere idea of being lied to by someone as unimportant as a bored low-ranked Death Eater. The slightly sardonic smirk on Severus' face broadened.

"Ah, the lying, it's a character flaw. But you were very easy to lie to, probably the worst would-be-spy I've ever encountered. You should really have picked a different trade."

Overy stared at Severus from across the clearing, eyes narrowed, obviously trying to remain as aloof as he had been before. But the first cracks in his arrogant exterior were visible. Then he lifted his wand.

"I will not have a half-wit like you insulting me."

All of a sudden Severus looked positively satisfied with the outcome of their little discussion.

"Finally. Challenge me and we can fight this out, I'm in the mood. Still - "

He sighed and shifted his position again.

"See, you're not just everywhere, and there's a certain protocol I have to keep with. So, if you don't mind - "

He cast a glance around the clearing once, all the while being stared at by Overy who apparently had never before pointed his wand at someone who didn't seem particularly flustered by the whole affair. Then Severus looked at Overy again, and at the same time the clearing was flooded by a field of cold energy. It caressed Remus' skin for a brief second, his body tingling from contact. But it was soft, almost strangely familiar, and Remus realized that Severus had dropped the masking spell concealing his magical powers without bothering to hide the darker side of it. But before Remus could entertain that particular thought further he watched Severus slowly raising his own wand.

"Harold Overy, you've intruded on the grounds of Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, without invitation and with malicious intent. As residing Head of the House of Slytherin I order you to either leave immediately or face consequences for your intrusion."

The look on Overy's face was priceless. A mixture of intense surprise and anger flew across his features, distorting them into rage.

"What? You dirty liar, you - "

The remaining insults were drowned out by the first curse he almost immediately threw into Severus' direction, who hardly moved and simply blocked it. Hidden away behind his bush Remus hastily drew up a protecting shield of his own. He was well out of sight, but any fight could leave badly aimed curses flying into the surrounding areas, and he wasn't sure whether Overy had a good aim.

In the meantime the clearing erupted with the pure power of the thrown curses. Overy was a good fighter and as trained auror obviously had faced extensive duelling training, but it quickly became clear that Severus seemed mostly unimpressed by his attacks. But he remained mostly passive, reluctant to attack himself, using simple but powerful deflecting spells that kept the curses well away from their aim.

Watching the potentially deadly theater on the clearing Remus tried to remember when he had seen Severus fight the last time, and came to the conclusion that it must have been sometime in their school years in one of the corridor brawls they had ran into all the time. Possibly Sirius had been the opponent, or James, or all of them together - Remus wasn't sure. It hadn't taken him long after their graduation to understand that the four-against-one-fights they had kept on going all these years hadn't been exactly what a fair battle was supposed to look like. On the other hand they had been on the receiving end of more than one nasty hex or creative curse in these days, too, and even in their younger days Severus had never been one to step down when being challenged to a proper brawl. His pride had ensured that he had never backed down, not once in Remus' memory, and from what he had heard from Andreas Libavius things apparently hadn't changed at all during Severus' days at Oxford. And what had that been about a Duel Team?

But was also obviously that what was happening on the clearing had nothing to do with proper duelling and a lot with street fighting. Overy was throwing an abundance of rather dark and powerful hexes into Severus' direction, who sometimes came up with small spells that made Overy jump and change direction, but generally just kept himself out of the line of attack. The tactic behind the whole scenario dawned on Remus rather quickly. Overy was exhausting himself with the sheer amount of magic needed for his barrage of curses, while Severus made sure that his opponent would keep on moving around, teasing here and there and inciting more rage. It would be only a matter of time until the would-be-spy would run out of energy to supply his curses with the necessary strength, lending a good opportunity to overpower him without any real risk.

So all Severus had to do was to keep Overy moving, and that was exactly what he did. To Remus' disappointment he wasn't showing off, hardly using any spells Remus didn't know, and nothing that belonged into the realm of the Dark Arts. He didn't seem to need his wand to keep most of the shielding spells up, and the small hexes he placed here and there required only minimal wand-waving. There was something lazy about his movements, as if the fight was boring him, and it drove Overy even deeper into his rage. They exchanged some insults here and there, but used nothing that had the capacity to make Remus blush or seemed terribly creative.

Just when Remus started to wonder when Severus would grow tired of his opponents' anger the fight slowed down. Overy stood on his side of the clearing, slightly out of breath and still growling with anger.

"Nothing but a sad little trickster, are you. But I'm done with being friendly now. I will no longer tolerate the disrespectful behavior of some random Death Eater with delusions of grandeur. This will end here!"

He pointed his wand straight at Severus, seething with rage. Remus suddenly felt the looming danger, hair on his arms rising with the gathering dark magic.

"Now you will learn a lesson! Cru - "

He didn't even manage to finish his spell. The silent counter curse hit him straight in the chest, and he gasped for breath once more before he tumbled to the ground, a mass of limp body parts. His wand fell into the trampled down grass next to his body.  
Annoyed Severus lowered his own wand and shock his head.

"Random Death Eater with delusions of grandeur? Be glad that killing people has gotten terribly difficult these days, really, otherwise -"

He sounded mortally offended, for the first time during the whole fight. Then he walked over to his motionless opponent, stood above him and in a strange movement circled his wand above the body once, murmuring a soft spell that Remus just so managed to understand.

"Silete, silete, silentium habete."

It was more of an incantation than a spell, nothing Remus had ever heard, a strange melody. But at least Overy had been right - it was over. Remus sighed a breath of relief, and dissolved the shielding spell he had kept up during the fight. Severus still stood in the middle of the clearing looking down on the completely motionless Overy who, if Remus guessed correctly, probably was out like a light and would stay that way for a rather long time.

But just as Remus was about to leave his hiding place a sudden stream of light flooded the open space around the two duellists. As quickly as he could Remus retreated back into the safety of the shrubbery and stared at the clearing, adrenaline making his heartbeat loud in his ears.

"What is happening here?"

As if he had appeared out of thin air Albus Dumbledore stood in the middle of the clearing, his wand pointed straight at Severus. The air was prickling with the amount of power surrounding him, and he didn't look amused at all.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 25/11/2014 (heavily revised 1/11/2015)

_Silete, silete, silentium habete - be silent, be silent, keep the silence!_


	13. Sometimes the truth is the best way out

**Sometimes the truth is the best way out**

"I demand to know how a man half of England is currently looking for ended up unconscious on the ground of my school, and how it is that of all possible people I could find standing over him I happen to find you. What a conincidence."

Albus' voice echoed across the clearing, his anger unmistakable. His wand still pointed straight at Severus he stared at the perfectly still form of Harold Overy. Unwillingly Remus retreated further into the shrubbery. If there was one place in this world he didn't want to be it was at the wrong end of Albus Dumbledore's wand.

"Explain yourself. And I would advise you not to move until my curiosity has been satisfied."

Severus simply and very calmly raised his hands, and his wand flew straight into Albus' outstretched left hand. It was gone from sight so quickly Remus thought there must be a concealing spell at work.

"As I do not have an impending death wish I shall take your good advice."

A surly look on his face Albus raised an eyebrow. Remus was amazed to see all the lovely quirks the headmaster usually displayed gone from sight, leaving nothing but pure authority and a thinly veiled threat.

"This is a very bad moment for your wit, Severus."

Severus nodded, his hands still held up, palms turned towards Albus. As he had promised he remained unmoving, apparently being very well aware that Albus' patience was not to be tested. At least not tonight.

"Apologies. You already know that you're looking at Harold Quentin Overy. It seems that he noticed Lupin and me in Diagon Alley, followed us around for a while and used a classified Apparition Pattern Detection spell to read out our route. He suddenly appeared here, I confronted him and things turned into a little duel. He attempted to use a Cruciatus, upon which I decided to end the whole matter quickly to avoid any further unwanted attention."

Albus looked down at Overy.

"How did you block the curse?"

He seemed to be genuinely interested despite his obvious anger.

"A Silete in two different stages, using the full incantation to bind him properly. It's a rather uncommon spell, but not officially registered as forbidden, difficult to trace and read as pattern spell and carries few clues to the magical signature."

Albus looked up again, sudden mistrust in his face.

"Who taught you the Silete? Tom?"

Severus' snort sounded rather undignified.

"It doesn't kill, hurt or cause irreparable injuries, what makes you believe it would be a good spell for a Death Eater?"

He sounded genuinly offended, for the second time that night, though Remus couldn't decide whether it was his vanity being hurt at Albus' suggestion or something different.

"It's rare, almost forgotten and originates from difficult dark incantation practises. I don't think there are ten wizards in the whole of Europe currently using it. How should it be that you're one of them if not by the way of Tom?"

Severus seemed to fight the temptation to lower his hands to cross his arms in front of his chest to complete his sulking pose, but remembered instantly where he was and kept them up. He forgot, though, to keep his tongue in check as well.

"Wouldn't life be dull if we didn't get a nice surprise here and there?"

For a second it looked as if Albus would loose the fight against his own willpower and simply knock his spy out right then and there. His eyes narrowed for a second, and Remus could suddenly feel the slightly imbalance in the magical power that still flooded the clearing. Albus didn't move, but Severus suddenly tipped his head to the right, opened his mouth, closed it again and then glowered at Albus.

"I told you it was a very bad time for your wit. Why do you never heed a warning? Your life could be so much easier. You will get your voice back, this time at least, but simply because I do want answers. Short, honest answers. Do not try to talk your way out of this, because if you do I will find ways to ensure that you'll tell me everything. Have I made myself clear?"

There was hardly any doubt that he meant what he said, and Severus nodded slowly, this time defeated.

"Good. Then, tell me, why did Harold Overy choose to follow you?"

For a split second it seemed as if Severus' face would betray something, but he kept his facade up. He cleared his throat to test if his voice had really returned before he answered. He kept his tone carefully neutral, the frustration only visible in his stiff shoulders.

"How delightful I don't have to write my answers down. I used to do minor deals with Overy, but that was before his ministry expulsion and there was no contact afterwards. I would imagine he intended to blackmail me with some piece of knowledge he thought he had."

Slowly Albus' other eyebrow rose.

"And did he have the necessary information for that?"

There was a lot of potential for danger in this question, but Severus only shrugged.

"Of course not. He had no idea, and I fully intend to oblivate him properly later."

Albus pointed towards the body.

"For someone who advocates against the Oblivate at any given moment I'm surprised to hear that. I assume that you actually intended to kill him, but we will speak about that later. Now you will dispose of him. Leave him someplace where they will find him quickly, use a good Oblivate, and put a time-delayed dissolving spell over the Silete. Clean whatever could point into your direction. Do it properly, I will not talk you out of Azkaban for that."

Nodding with a certain air of resignation Severus finally dropped his hands and kneeled next to the body of Overy. He looked up once more, but Albus shock his head.  
"Don't even ask for your wand. You will be able to perform the spells without it, I am sure. And if not now is a splendid moment to work on your focus."

Severus seemed to fight against an impulse to say something, but then simply looked down again, reaching out to touch Overy. But Albus wasn't done.  
"And one last thing, before you leave."

Looking up again Severus looked straight at Albus who stared back, authoritative figure from his stance to his unblinking eyes. It was obvious that he was not in the mood for any kind of negotiations.

"When you come back you will tell me truth."

Severus didn't answer, simply looking down again and touching Overys' shoulder. Then they were both gone. Shaking his head Albus cast a glance around the perimeter of the clearing, finally relaxing and pocketing his wand in his flowing dark blue robes. Remus felt the soft tug of the spell pulling the strong energy back towards Albus, his magic once more safely cloaked in the strong spell keeping it his very own powerful secret. Then he coughed.

"Remus Lupin, get out of that shrubbery."

Flinching in his hiding spot Remus involuntarily drew his head beneath his shoulders. But hiding was utterly pointless, and so he made his way out of the bush and onto the clearing, still holding Severus' cloaks draped over his arm. Carefully wiping any trace of his thought process off his face Remus quickly calculated the best position to take in the upcoming conflict. He didn't come to a proper solution, though, and decided to primarily play for survival.

"Hello Albus."

Trying to smile convincingly Remus crossed the clearing, coming to a standstill next to Albus who simply looked at him with weary eyes. The friendliness on his face didn't seem genuine just yet.

"I'm surprised to find you hiding in a bush, what an unlikely behavior for a Gryffindor. Still, it was smart. What were you two thinking? I'm disappointed. And now tell me, how much truth was in Severus' tale?"

Remus cleared his throat.

"Well, we walked through Knockturn Alley when I thought someone was trailing behind us, but I wasn't really sure. It seems that he followed my apparition track to Hogwarts, because I saw him lunging from the shadows briefly before I disapparated. I've never heard of that spell he used."

Albus nodded slowly.

"I see, though I do wonder what kind of business took both of you to Knockturn Alley, of all places. No, you couldn't have heard of that spell, it's a rather secret thing the ministry keeps under wraps. They use it rarely, it's a bit difficult."

At that very moment Severus reappeared on the clearing, alone this time. Albus immediately turned towards him, and he raised his hands in an almost automatic gesture.  
"Did you do what I told you to?"

Severus rolled his eyes and nodded, apparenly hardly suceeding in biting back a sarcastic remark.

"Of course."

Albus still didn't look very convinced or satisfied with their current situation, but at least he didn't seem to find it necessary to hold Severus at wand-point any longer.  
"I hope you are telling the truth, for once. And now, if you please - let us move this to my office."

Without waiting for them Albus turned around and led the way through the forest towards the castle. Remus caught Severus' eyes for a short second, but there was nothing in his face as he dropped his hands back to his side that Remus could read. Taking his coats back from Remus he only shrugged, and followed Albus towards the castle. Remus trudged behind them, walking slowly. He wasn't exactly looking forward to their meeting in Albus' office, though his curiosity couldn't be quite silenced. Whatever was bound to happen was going to be interesting, that much was sure.

In silence they marched through the dark woods. Nothing moved as they passed the thick trees, not even any of the small creatures living in the underwood. It seemed as if Albus' enraged presence had scared every living being into seeking cover. Rightly so, Remus mused. He could sympathise.

Not even fifteen minutes later they reached the office of the headmaster, and Remus took a seat in one of the wooden chairs in front of the desk. It felt too much like the few encounters with Albus he had experienced during his school days, usually in the wake of some unfortunate plan that had gone entirely too fast into the wrong direction. Even then Albus knew exactly that Remus was the easiest to talk to in the group, and more than once he had sat under the headmasters' piercing gaze, trying to keep a calm demeanor and waging internal fights not to give away secrets he desperately wanted to keep.

It felt very much the same now. Albus took a seat in his large chair, pulling Severus' wand from the pockets of his robe and carefully placing it on his desk.  
Severus himself didn't seem to find the offer of a chair attractive. He stayed in the open space behind the chairs, placing only his cloak over the back of his own chair, and remaining standing, his arms now firmly crossed in front of his chest. He seemed perfectly at ease, but Remus knew an act when he saw it.  
And Albus wasn't happy with the situation.

"Sit down, please. There is no need for you to stand towering above us like this."

Very slowly Severus raised an eyebrow.

"Is that an order?"

Annoyed Albus waved a hand into Severus' direction, while at the same time shooting an apologetic smile towards Remus.

"Severus."

They looked at each other for a moment, and then Severus gave in. He walked around the chair and dropped into it, crossing his long legs and folding his hands neatly.

"There, I'm sitting."

Albus' face was that of a disappointed mother dealing with a sulking teenager, which was quite an improvement to his threatening appearance in the forest. The roles, it seemed, were back to their usual assignment: the patient, well-meaning Albus trying to deal with a stubborn Severus - a trope so common even Remus felt it difficult not to fall for it immediately again.

"Really, you're dreadful. Do not turn this into a drama."

The whole person of Severus seemed to silently indicate that indeed it wasn't him who was turning anything into a drama, but he remained mercifully silent. Remus, on the other hand, continued to feel the sinking realisation that the drama had only just begun.

"Good. Now tell me again how you come to know Harold Overy, and how it happened that I do not know about this."

Himself folding his hands Albus leant back in his comfortable chair.

"I already told you - "

But Albus cut him off mid-sentence.

"Oh, but I belive you didn't."

For a moment nobody said anything. Then Severus sighed.

"If you must know. He has been floating around in the unsavoury parts of London for a while. He was bored by his job, and since he's a greedy bastard he started to think of ways to rise to power and wealth through other ways than his ministry position allowed. He tried to strike a deal with Lucius, but for obvious reasons they clashed quickly and Lucius cut him off while forgoing the chance to kill him. So Overy continued his quest, and came to the conclusion that he should make the deal with a greater power than Lucius was. The information he was looking to sell wasn't vital for the ministry, but he had detailed knowledge about security issues and classified spells. His meandering came to my knowledge, and I managed to stumble into his way and convince him that I was interested in what he knew and would at some point bring him to Voldemort's attention. By then even Overy had understood that it is impossible to connect with Voldemort without using a broker, and he fully believed that anyone who did not have Lucius' ego would do the trick."

Albus blinked twice.

"I see. I recall your warnings concerning a few security holes and problematic spells - that came from him? It proved to be true in all instances."

Severus nodded.

"Yes. He wasn't smart, but he had access to a few important documents and he was willing to sell everything he knew. Lately he blew his cover by accident, and I had to cut him off immediately for obvious reasons."

Suddenly Remus realized that he was probably not supposed to know a few things that were being said. Was he supposed to offer to leave? But nobody had indicated anything like that. And it was fascinating to listen to Severus' suddenly calm report and watch Albus who made the necessary connections quickly. He was obviously watching a well-rehearsed situation that had taken place many times before, and would repeat itself with different topics over and over again in the future.  
"You intended to kill him?"

It was an honest question, but Remus was stunned for a moment. Albus didn't seem particularly flustered at making the assumption, and Severus didn't errupt into a flare of temper.

"What makes you believe so?"

Albus smiled.

"You spent a few nights away in the past weeks, and I know you apparated into London."

Severus affirmed only half of the statement.

"I have been looking for him, that is true. I also, and let me state that simply to reassure you that I did not go on a murderous rampage for five nights, spent a few of these evenings meeting Libavius to help him figure out a particularly difficult question in his current pet project."

For a brief moment Albus' face lightened up. "Good news, for once. What were you working on?"

"You will see when he registeres it with the guild. Quite a masterpiece, if you ask me."

Albus nodded. "About time. Will you sign as co-author?"

Severus shook his head.

"No, he only picked my brain in a few instances."

Albus made a handmotion indicating his interest, and then mercilessy returned to their original topic. And as much as Remus wished they could talk about pet projects and alchemy instead of Severus' intentions to kill a man - or not - nobody did him the favour, and Severus continued as calmly as before.

"Killing Overy would have been a safe and logical measure. But it's become difficult to get rid of bodies, and lately Voldemort has been very disapproving of rouge Death Eater activities. I couldn't find a way to ensure Overy's silence without drawing the Dark Lord's attention, at least not yet. An opportunity would have arisen sooner than later, but now it's too late anyway."

Albus nodded his approval.

"I see. You feared Tom's reaction?"

Once more Severus snorted.

"I would prefer to not be interrogated by him anytime soon, yes."

That line of thought seemed to interest Albus.

"Would he do that himself? I've recently been wondering who is doing his interrogations when he can't use you."

That was a piece of information Remus had not expected to be handed anytime soon, and in such an off-handed fashion. That was what Severus did when he acted as servant to the crazed dark wizard? Remus just managed to suppress a shudder. He could imagine it, easily, Severus using his razor-sharp wit and his voice as a tool to trick panicked prisoners into betraying everything and everyone - but there Remus actively stopped his line of thought. He wouldn't go there. He wasn't ready for this just yet. Albus, completely unfazed, had already continued his very own interview anyway.

"Currently I don't believe he has anyone at hand. He tried to use Bellatrix, but prisoners tended to die in her care quickly and without telling her much - torturing people straight to death isn't quite the ideal way of extracting information, who would imagine."

Remus tried to keep his mind focused on their conversation and not on the images Severus' words invoked.

"And if he wanted to question you, who'd do that?"

Albus seemed set on uncovering exactly that piece of information. Severus remained leant back, ostensibly more relaxed than Remus wanted him to be.  
"From experience I can say that he would do himself, for obvious reasons."

Nodding Albus waved a hand in the air and changed the topic.

"Very well. Let's hope for the best here."

He looked at Severus for a few short moments, regarding him with a silent gaze.

"But back to the question at hand. What you said is logical, but still - there is something else, is there not? You are hiding something."

Severus looked as innocent as someone who had just confessed that he was the reigning inquisitor for a crazed brutal tyrant possibly could.

"What makes you think so?"

Albus continued his examination.

"I have a feeling."

For a moment there was silence. Then Albus gestured into Severus' general direction.

"Do me the favor and remove the layers of illusion charms you're using."

Remus followed Albus' gaze, surprised at the turn of events. He had always been aware that Severus used some combination of spells to alter his appearance, at least slightly. Illusion charms weren't too difficult to keep up, even for a prolongued amount of time, and Severus was just the right kind of person who would take advantage of their potential.

"Is that a request or - "

Severus didn't even get to finish his sentence.

"No, it's not."

Now visibly annoyed Severus rolled his eyes, but remained unmoving. For a second nothing happened. Then he suddenly seemed slightly blurry, and Remus blinked in confusion. It was over as quickly as it had happened, the spell dissolved in thin air. On the first glance not much had changed. His face remained mostly the same - prominent jawbone, deep-set eyes, high cheekbones, terribly crooked nose. He looked a bit thinner than before, his features just a bit sharper and more angular, and the dark circles under his eyes proved that he wasn't sleeping half as much as a sane person should. The only real difference was his hair, now slightly longer and decidedly less greasy.

"Are you satisfied?"

And the voice remained unchanged, the deep silky baritone, smooth and well-controlled.

"You look very tired."

Annoyed Severus shock his head, and brushed a strand of hair away from his face.

"Bless your power of observation. I am tired, Albus, and this interview is not helping it."

Remus would have agreed, but something else had caught his eye. The movement of Severus' right hand had attracted his attention, long fingers tucking a strand of black hair behind an ear. His long hands were unchanged, maybe a bit too thin, bones in the wrists protruding. But that wasn't what had caught Remus' attention.

"What happened to your arms?"

It was the first thing Remus said since they had entered the office, and for a moment it seemed as if both men had simply forgotten his presence and only now remembered that he was there at all. Severus looked down at his bare forearms and shrugged.

"That? Work. I told you - Alchemy can be dangerous."

It sounded very plausible, and it explained the myriad of small scars and burn marks visible all over Severus' forearms. Both were covered in small and long cuts, healed but still visible. On the left forearm, just below the Dark Mark he bore a long and angry red burn mark, possibly inflicted by flying hot metal, looking fresh and painful. Remus remembered the story about Severus' first meeting with Andreas Libavius, and how the bohemian had ended up picking shards out of his new lab partner. It seemed plausible, indeed.

But there were other marks that didn't look like cauldrons had caused them, round burnmarks the perfect size of cigarette buds, and Remus had no idea how a cauldron, even one flying around in hot shards, could cause those. Or the long scar that crossed over the arteries on the right wrist, twice in a perfect cross above the faint lines, that looked like it would have needed stitches and never got them. A cauldron? No. A scalpel wilded with precision? Maybe.

But Severus' attention was fixed on Albus again.

"Are we finished here? As you remarked so nicely, I would like to catch some sleep."

Albus nodded, and smiled.

"Almost, just one more thing."

Severus, already making moves to stand up, leant back into his chair, his face a perfect expression of full-blown annoyance. Albus simply continued.

"Just a small thing. You said you did something like a trade with Overy, yes? He gave you information, you promised to connect him with Tom, though you never went through with it. But your little deal must have lasted a while, as I recall you delivering me information coming from Overy for more than a year now."

Impatient Severus nodded, waving a thin hand in the air in a gesture of dismissal.

"Yes, and?"

Satisfied Albus leant forward, placing his elbows on the table and stapling his fingers.

"Surely he didn't enjoy being kept away from Tom for such a long time, impatient as he was. So, I wonder, what exactly did you give him that distracted him for such a long time from his quest?"

That was the one question Remus had hoped Albus wouldn't ask. But Severus only shrugged.

"This and that. Nothing particular. He mostly wanted to hear what a great man he was."

Albus still smiled at him.

"I don't belive you."

He said it so cheerfully, as if he had just wished them a good morning or a happy easter holiday. Remus tried to still his own rising discomfort. This was decidedly going downhill. Fast.

"Then don't. Why are you so interested in that particular detail?"

The smile on Albus' face, so mild and friendly, intensified.

"Ah, you see, it's curiosity, plain and boring. I also wish to understand the ways you operate, considering that you carry highly sensitive information. I'd rather not risk that, but you surely understand that."

There was a hint of anger visible on Severus' face as he lifted his chin just a bit, a shadow of the anger he had displayed during the conversation in the library Remus had accidentally eavesdropped on.

"Are you implying that my actions are endangering the Order? I think I have heard that before quite recently from you."

The sudden harshness betrayed how enraged the mere idea made him. Albus was still smiling, and Remus reminded himself once more that the beloved headmaster wasn't the senile old man he pretended to be most of the times, but in fact a rather ruthless and sometimes brutal tactician. This was war, after all.

"I am hoping that you're about to tell me something that will make sure that I don't have to think that."

Severus, apparently very much used to this side of Albus, shook his head.

"Be assured that the Order was never endangered. My dealings with Overy were of a most private nature, and I wish to keep them that way."

Albus nodded.

"I understand. And yet Remus Lupin knows exactly what we are talking about. It cannot be that private, then."

Remus felt like a rabbit suddenly caught in the headlights of an approaching lorry. He sat up a bit straighter, trying his best to keep his facial expression as innocent as possible.

"I'm not sure I do even being to grasp what you are talking about."

There. Now a trustful smile, a puppy like glance, and everything would be fine. And it was. Albus blue eyes smiled back at him, unblinking, brilliant in their brightness, and the soft tapping against Remus' forehead didn't even annoy him that much. It was nothing but a small tickle, prickling against the skin on his face. He almost giggled at the sensation, his smile broadening. He felt the warmth spread through his body, and suddenly had the intense feeling of being opened, slowly, like a book about to be read.

But then there was the thick velvet blanket again, the heavy texture of the spell shutting out the soft tingle, cutting off the eye contact he had held with Albus. Confused Remus blinked at the sheer intensity at the blocking spell, shaking his head, and immediately glaring at Albus. How had they gone from friendly conversation and tactical banter to invasive magic that quickly? And why was it him, all over again? And twice on the same day?

"Stop that. Now."

Severus stared at Albus, his arms crossed in front of his chest, open disdain in his voice. Albus was still smiling innocently, as if he hadn't just tried to used a legilimency spell to gain access into Remus' mind.

"Then I guess you will have to tell me yourself."

Remus was very much convinced that he had never been used as a token for blackmail before, and he was speechless when he suddenly understood the rather crude tactic. He felt dizzy in the heavy silence, unsure if the strange disorder in his mind was caused be the Legilimency or the strong blocking spell. Both left him feeling queasy, his skin still tingling from the contact.

When Severus finally spoke there was not a single hint towards any emotion beyond malice in his voice.

"Laudabiliter se subiecit. You do enjoy this a lot more than I thought you would. And are you sure you want to know?"

Albus raised an eyebrow, his bright and dangerous smile never faltering.

"Oh, I very certainly am."

Shrugging Severus returned his hands into his lap, neatly folded. The sardonic grin was back on his face, tugging at the corner of his thin lips. It took the combination of the silken danger in his voice and Albus' saccharine smile for Remus to realise that he had walked into the midst of something slightly more dangerous than he had expected.

"Knowledge can be, ah, uncomfortable."

Albus continued to smile. It was obvious that he was not going to change his mind right now.

"Fine, if you demand it."

Remus watched Albus very slightly leaning forward, by milimeters only, if pulled by the invisible string of the promise to hear what he wanted to know. It was much less a conversation than an exchange of blows, and judging from Severus' body language he had decided that he could make it worthwhile. If Albus wanted the truth he would have it.

"Submission, Albus. Overy craved power, over something or someone. It shouldn't be that much of a surprise to you."

Albus blinked.

"What do you mean by that, pray tell?"

Still keeping his hands folded in his lap Severus looked slightly too innocent.

"You see, some individuals gain great satisfaction from having others at their very beg and call. Dominance, or so they say, is a character trait or flaw, depending on your view, and can be satisfied by various means."

The layers in Severus' answer were manifold, and Remus didn't dare to follow any of them through. He simply clung to the hope that the situation wouldn't escalate any further. Or that Severus wouldn't start to enjoy the game even more than he obviously already did.

"I see. And in your case dominance over someone means - "

Albus' stopped in the middle of the sentence, and Remus could see that his thought process had arrived at a conclusion he decidedly did not like.

"You didn't."

There was something almost cruel in the enjoyment in Severus' face.

"You will have to elaborate further. I didn't - what?"

The smile from Albus' face was gone.

"No, you will have to explain, or otherwise I might come to the conclusion that you actually mean some form of twisted sexual submission."

It was obvious now that Albus wanted to hear that he was not right, that there was a different answer Severus had hinted at. But there was no way Severus was going to do him that particular favour right now.

"Don't you think twisted is a bit too harsh?"

But Albus didn't answer, not for a few long minutes. If shock was what Severus had aimed for he had accomplished his goal, that much was obvious.

"So are you satisfied now?"

The sweetness in his voice was laced with acid, but Albus still couldn't answer. For a long time he simply stared at Severus, and very, very slowly his mask of calm superiority seemed to slip out of it's secure place, revealing slight cracks underneath. He unclasped his fingers, and finally sank back in his chair.

"And you knew that?"

He looked straight at Remus, but his gaze was without any hidden traces of magic. He simply wanted to know, and Remus had to nod.

"I did. I saw something when we were at the opium den, and put the pieces together."

And there went his blackmail potential. Bloody hell. But then it had probably been bound to happen. Albus turned to Severus again.

"I see. That doesn't mean I understand. How long have you been doing that - that kind of - trade."

There were words Albus didn't want to say, and Remus fully understood what he meant. To his relief Severus seemed to understand, too, and decided to refrain from further cruelty for now.

"I always told you I was doing trade, if you care to remember. And I always requested privacy about it. Now you do know why."

Stunned Albus leant foward again.

"Are you telling me this is not any isolated incident? That you're - "

He seemed to loose his usual firm grasp on his eloquence, and for the first time that evening Remus felt pity for him.

"If you think I spent my nights leaning against streetlights like a sad hooker - "

The image was so ridiculous that Remus couldn't help snorting. Calmly Severus continued.

" - apparently even Lupin finds that amusing. No, this isn't an isolated incident, as you call it. Sex is a commodity, it can be used for trade, and it was an easy thing when I was younger. Not in the past years, for obvious reasons - I was amused when I realized what Overy wanted. It made him very vulnerable, much more than he anticipated. That particular deal is as old as mankind, I've never found it to be particulary condemnable. But then my morals have been questioned before."

Albus noded and then shook his head, confusion blatantly obvious.

"You never told me. Which doesn't surprise me."

Severus' face was almost mild.

"Of course not. You wouldn't have been pleased, you would not have understood."

Remus wasn't sure he would understand now. But then he himself didn't really understand. He had pushed that particular piece of knowledge far to the back of his mind, had decided to almost forget about that part of information he had.

"Yes, and no, I didn't - how can you do this?"

Shaking his head Severus passed a hand over his face, rubbing his eyes for a moment.

"Am I not doing a lot of things you do not understand? I can, as I said. That has to be enough for you."

The tiredness had returned to his voice, now far more real. It wasn't late, not yet, but their day had been long. Diagon Alley, though, seemed far away. For a brief moment Remus wondered what exactly Severus had done with Overy, where he had deposited the man, if he had been found by now, or if Severus had taken the chance and killed him. But he didn't have the time to pursue that thought further.

Albus looked at the table in front of him for a moment. Then he nodded, very slowly, and looked up again.

"I need to think about this. Please leave now."

For a brief moment Severus closed his eyes in silent defeat. Then he nodded, and stood up.

"As you wish."

He turned away from the desk, picked up his cloak from the chair and called for his wand with an outstretched hand. With all his possessions in his hands he walked towards the door, and only turned around one more time in the door frame.

"There is always a system of logic behind my actions, Albus. Remember that."

Albus simply nodded once more without looking at Severus. The silence in the room was heavy, and thick. Then Remus head Severus' soft footsteps leaving the office. The door closed softly behind him. 

* * *

(c) Fayet - 7/12/2014 (revised 9/11/2015)

_Laudabiliter se subiecit - Laudably he surredered. Unknown origins, probably coming from ecclesiastical lawsuits. Generally found there to mark the end of the trial with the accussed submitting to the judgement.  
_


	14. Tell me what you came for

**Tell me what you came for  
**

For a brief moment they sat in silence. Remus was still sorting through the short exchange that had just happened while at the same time frantically tried to come up with an excuse to make an escape himself. But he didn't get that far.

With a soft sigh Albus settled deeper into his chair and regarded Remus with a solemn glance.

"You must think me a special kind of evil tonight, Remus."

HIs voice was soft, very close to the tones Remus knew so well and would probably never trust again. Quickly he considered his options. Telling the truth, maybe? He decided on a middle way.

"I have to admit that I'm a bit surprised how everything turned out."

Nodding Albus combed a hand through his long beard, in the same absentminded fashion Remus often watched his female students twirl their hair between their fingers during exams while thinking hard to remember the correct answer.

"So am I, to be honest. You have probably not been aware of the very, ah, how to put it - special kind of relationship I have with Severus."

Remus nodded in silence. He had known that there was something beyond a pure working-relationship between both men, that much was sure - and he had seen more and more of them working together in the past weeks. Albus was the one Severus claimed to work for, and the headmaster guaranteed his very own spy's safety among the order and towards the ministry, who both probably would have prefered to see Severus in chains and thrown into the deepest pits of Azkaban.

While Remus was still sorting through these various kinds of thoughts Albus simply continued.

"Hardly anybody does, and it's for the best. Too much depends on it. You see, Severus does trust me, although it didn't look like that right now. I know most of the things he does, be it in his capacity as spy for the order, or on his own agenda. I've also always been aware that he's working for his own benefit then I hardly ever give him direct orders. One of his many tasks is to be present in what he calls unsavoury corners of London, to figure out the next steps the order must take, to wade through the information and decide on its importance. It's a vital thing and he's brilliant at it."

Still nodding to encourage Albus' explanation Remus leant back in his chair and listened, trying to connect what Albus' spoke about with what he had heard and seen.

"But he's also difficult, something of a wildcard. I needed a long time to understand his behavioral patterns, even thought I knew a lot about him from the very beginning. And it's one of his most prominent streaks to protect people around him, even though it's hardly visible to anybody watching from the outside."

Now it was Remus' turn to stop nodding.

"And you think he's keeping things from you because of that?"

Once more Albus smiled, but this time it was a soft smile, lacking brilliance and brightness, but visibly more honest. He was content with Remus capacity to make connections, and there was something that betrayed the life-long teacher in his face.

"Oh, I know it for sure. He'd rather die alone then see anyone sad about his suffering. I've known him for such a long time now, and he still only rarely accepts help, even if he's in desperate need of it."

Out of habit Remus nodded once more, but he was very aware of the confusion visible on his face. He wasn't exactly sure what Albus was telling him, or, more precisely, why. How was that connected to their conversation just now?

"Remus, I'm also terribly sorry for knocking on your mind like that. In truth, it was nothing more then a bad move to encourage Severus to talk to me, as he so rightly guessed."

Trying his best to fake a convincing smile Remus did his best to hide his own annoyance.

"It's all right, Albus. Though the feeling is rather weird, and I would appreciate not having to be used like that anytime again soon."

At least Albus had the decency of looking remorseful. HIs hands were still busy with his beard, creating complicated braided patterns.

"Legilimency is a beautiful thing, but it can be very confusing. I will do my best and not subject you to it anytime soon, as long as it's not necessary."

Noting the limitation of Albus's promise Remus looked as stern as he could. Hell, what did all these damn wizards think, trampling around people's brains like it was an open day?

"You better, or I have to learn Occlumency. I should ask Severus, I gather he's rather good at it."

The lines in Albus' faces smoothed out and he grinned.

"Frightfully so. He learned at the speed of light, and ever since has had a field day leading Tom in circles around himself. Too smug about it, but what can I do."

Remus could hardly imagine anybody having a field day while he-who-was-an-asshole was creeping around their minds, but then Severus had always had a rather masochistic streak and maybe really enjoyed leading the dark wizard on. It was probably preferable to being tortured, at the very least.

Nodding once more Remus got up, sensing a good moment to make an escape.

"It's been a long day for all of us, I'd better leave. If you have no more questions for me?"

Pushing himself upwards in his chair again Albus shock his head, finally letting go of his beard.

"You are right, it's getting late. I'll call on you later if I have more questions, if you'd be fine with that?"

Remus smiled in agreement, and pushed his now empty chair back into the position it usually rested on. He nodded once more, and turned to finally leave the room. But he wasn't halfway to the door when Albus called him back.

"One final thing, Remus. Just - "

Turning around he looked at Albus, who was still sitting behind his desk, once again his elbows on the table and his fingers stapled. The look on his face was honest, but stern.

"You've spent a lot of time with Severus lately. I absolutely encourage that, really. He has been alone for a long time, and you working with him has done him and you good. But a short warning, just a little something you should think about - "

Albus stopped for a moment. Remus avoided looking at him too directly, focusing on the long beard and the unusual patterns Albus' fingers had worked into it. Just to be safe.

" - just something you should remember. Severus is on our side, there can be no doubt, but even with all of that - he's a dangerous man, Remus. Very dangerous."

Speechless Remus stood in the middle of the room for a moment, thinking of an appropriate answer. Then he just shrugged, and smiled.

"I would know a thing or two about danger, Albus. But thanks for your warning."

Nodding one last time Remus turned around and left the office as quickly as he could without making it look like a flight. Only when the heavy door closed behind him he allowed himself to take the stairs two at a time. But he only really could relax when he reached the corridor. Calming his confused mind he wandered down the empty way. It was fully dark outside now, and the dancing light of the torches painted moving shadows on the stone floor and walls. A short glance on his wristwatch told him that it was almost midnight.

Stopping at a window for a brief moment Remus opened the window pane and inhaled the balmy night air. It had been a long day, that much was for sure. Their trip into Diagon Alley, the meeting with the strange merchant, Knockturn Alley, the duel in the woods and now Albus - that was enough to occupy one's mind for a while. Exhaling once more he closed the window and continued down the corridor.

But somehow he didn't feel as if going to bed would do him any good. He needed to talk, to someone. Or simply spent some time outside. The stars had been beautiful on their way back from the forest, but he didn't really have the right mind to appreciate them.

Without thinking his feet decided for him, and led him all the way up to Astronomy tower. He wasn't sure whether he really wanted to see the stars and think in silence for a while, or if he was secretly hoping to, well, find Severus. For whom he had so many questions, still. And who probably was pissed off at all of them. For a brief moment his steps faltered, already at the top of the stairs. Was he really looking for a man who was difficult in his best mood, especially seconds after he had been warned about him?

But he continued, reached the already open door and immediately caught a whiff of cigarette smoke. Indeed, he had found Severus.

Who, apparently, hadn't noticed Remus yet. He leant against the wall next to the stone railing, overlooking the forest. In the dark he was hardly visible, his black cloak draped over his shoulders. Only the cigarette gleamed red in the dark.

Remus stayed in the door frame in complete silence. For a moment he was painfully aware that he had no real reason to be up the tower. What was he doing, stalking Severus like they were best friends and enjoyed sharing long talks over tea and cake? Absurd. But he couldn't make himself turn around. Not yet. With time his eyes got more and more used to the dark, and he could make out details beyond silhouettes.

Apparently Severus had noticed the starry sky, and his gaze was turned upwards, lost in the dark spaces between the shining dots in the velvet black sky. His posture was relaxed, only his shoulders touching the stone wall. The night breeze was moving his lightweight coat slightly. He hadn't replaced the charms he used to change his appearance yet, and his long hair fell away from his face. The red gleam of the cigarette danced in the dark as he raised it to take a deep drag. He exhaled slowly, watching the smoke drifting away on the night breeze. Then he turned his head a fraction.

"Do come over here and talk, or get lost."

Feeling a bit of guilt Remus complied. Leaving the door frame he crossed the tower's outdoor deck and walked over to the spot at the wall where Severus was leaning. He smiled in the dark, unclear if Severus could even see his face in the few light there was, and leant against the stone railing.

"Stars are lovely tonight, right?"

Nodding silently Severus took another drag from his cigarette.

"Would seem so. What do you want?"

Internally Remus sighed, but he remained calm. He wasn't sure if there would ever be a day when Severus wasn't on his guard, always suspicious and hostile. But then he couldn't blame him, not after what he had seen and learnt in the past weeks.

"Well, mostly say that I'm sorry that the evening went the way it went."

He saw the outline of Severus shrug.

"It didn't turn out half-bad, to be honest. Albus will come to understand, with time. He always does."

Surprised Remus leant forward. Now that his eyes were fully used to the low light he noticed how relaxed Severus' face seemed. It was such a different reaction to the fury he had anticipated. But there was no hint of rage on the other man.

"Something like this has happened before?"

Severus took another drag, inhaled the smoke deeply and only answered a moment later.

"Sure. He had to get used to a few things dealing with me."

Remus' curiosity peaked immediately, but he pushed it down as quickly as he could. This wasn't the right moment.

"I can imagine. In any case, hum - I guess there is now one thing I can't blackmail you about any longer?"

He heard Severus softly laugh, his voice rougher than usual from the cigarette smoke. Remus felt himself shiver involuntarily.

"You liked that thought, did you."

Remus couldn't hide the grin.

"Of course."

Nodding slowly Severus tapped his cigarette to rid if of the ashes.

"The brave and loyal Gryffindors, and then that. Minvera would be so disappointed."

In mock defense Remus spread his hands before him.

"We have dark sides, too, really." Then he put more seriousness into his voice. "Will you continue to work with me on the Wolfsbane, even when I can't really pretend to force you any longer?"

For a moment Severus said nothing. The cigarette gleamed once more in the dark. Then the red light was gone and he exhaled a smoke ring that slowly rose towards the sky and vanished.

"Yes. Your work was satisfactory so far and - " He stopped in the middle of his sentence, and Remus noticed how he examined the now dead cigarette bud in his hands. Then he sighed.

"Well. If you want to learn how to brew Wolfsbane, you have to do it soon. Did you store the formula somewhere safe, as I told you?"

There was something new in his voice now, something very sober and strangely urgent. Remus nodded.

"Yes, it's safe."

In the dark Severus nodded.

"Good, very good. Keep it safe. It will be of value for you. If - " He stopped again, for a brief second visibly considering if he really wanted to continue his sentence. Then he shrugged, as if to himself.

"- if this is over sooner than I thought it would be, and that's very likely, you'll need it. Take it to Libavius, he can help you. There are also three notebooks stored in my study, chronicling the development, testing stages and the final formula in depth. You should take them. I have to remember to change my will accordingly. The potion was concepted for you, and since it's technically my property now it should as well be yours after my death."

Remus was speechless for a moment, but Severus didn't seem to notice. Searching through his pockets he pulled a rather crumpled paper pack of cigarettes out, fished a fresh one out, and replaced the pack in the pockets of his cloak. Snapping his fingers he produced the familiar green flame, and for a brief moment his tired face was illuminated by the dancing fire. It was gone immediately again. Only the red gleaming dot of the cigarette remained.

"That sounds - why are you saying this? Do you intend to die that soon?"

He could see a strange half-smile appear on Severus face and realized that he had hit the exact right spot.

"Soon, yes."

Fighting back strange emotions Remus drew a breath of night air mixed with cigarette smoke.

"Don't be silly."

It sounded strange even to his ears, something motherly to say. As if Severus would joke about things. But the smile on his face stayed, strangely out of place, and sad at the same time.

"I'm not. Do you remember what I said about summer, the night we came back from the opium den?" Remus nodded, and Severus continued satisfied. "I thought about summer next year, but forget about that. Christmas, this year, I guess I'll be gone."

It took a almost a minute until Remus remembered that he should breathe. Quickly he took a shaky breath, trying to smile and put lightness in his voice.

"Bullshit, I don't belive you - how do you know?"

For a short moment Severus didn't answer. Then he took another drag from his cigarette, changed it from his left hand to this right, and held his now free hand out towards Remus.

"If you really want to know."

It wasn't a question or answer, and Remus needed a short moment to understand. Then he reached out and took the offered hand. In the dark he only saw traces of what he had seen before, in Albus' office, in the bright light. Severus' skin was covered in lines drawn by scars, the Dark Mark was too visible on the wrist, bones and veins through almost translucent skin - and then something changed.

For a brief second Remus felt as if the sheer substance of Severus' hand in his was changing, subtly, rearranging itself into something different. When it was over he needed a moment to process what he felt. Staring down at the long fingers placed on his palm he wished for more light, bright sunshine, a chance to fully see and then maybe comprehend - but it was dark. All he saw was outlines, pale shadows.

But he felt something. Against his own skin cold flesh, skin like parchment, dry, rough and scarred. Long fingers thin like branches, skin drawn over bones. And there was something else, something that deeply shocked Remus. The fingers he held in his own hands were moving, an involuntary trembling, like an endless rhythm being tapped against his own skin. He had felt it before, during that night in the corridor when he had found Severus stiff with pain on the window sill in the dark, the same soft tremble against his own steady hands. But this time it didn't seem as if the trembling was connected to a seizure or anything similar. And he didn't remember Severus' hands to be that thin, his fingers to be like dry branches, waiting to snap at any given moment.

It didn't take Remus long to put the pieces together. Slowly Severus drew back his hand, leaving only empty night air in Remus' palms.

"I knew you were really suffering, back in that corridor - I saw it then. But now - "

He saw Severus nodding silently, changing his cigarette back into his left hand. He took a drag, exhaled and then pushed himself off the wall and came over to the stone railing where Remus leant.

"As I said, you'll have to learn fast."

Remus nodded, somehow suddenly aware that they were now not even half a meter away from each other.

"How do you hide it? I thought you had taken off the illusion charm in Albus' office."

The grin on Severus' face was positively condescending.

"One of many. It's not a charm, in any case. I came up with something a bit more creative."

As answer Remus rolled his eyes, for a short moment wishing Severus could see it in the dark.

"You're a twad, that's all. Why don't you let us help you?"

In a careless gesture Severus threw the remaining cigarette over the railing and watched it vanish in the dark. Then he spread his hands out on the warm stone and looked at them. Whatever spell or charm he used was back in place, and to Remus they looked perfectly normal. And calm.

"Because you can't. Cruciatus damage cannot be cured, and you can consider me an expert on that. I'm no medi-wizard, but I belive I've read everything in existence. I could write a book. If I had time, that is."

He looked down at his hands for a moment, his face a perfectly composed mask of calm. Then he looked at Remus.

"But in truth not one of us has time. We're looking at a coming war, if the order wants it or not, and I won't be the only one who'll die."

He shock his head, obviously in his head continuing his thoughts, but not voicing them anymore.

"Nevermind. I've felt like the lone voice in the wilderness for a while now."

They fell into silence for a while. Remus' eyes were still fixed on Severus' now strangely calm hands on the stone railing, his mind circling around the possible options he had. Telling Albus what he knew? Severus hadn't explicitly told him to keep it a secret, after all. But what could they do? There was a special unit at St. Mungo's caring for patients with Cruciatus-damage - but then he knew a thing or two about Severus, and was very sure that they would never convince the man to go into any sort of treatment voluntarily. He'd rather die on his own terms then be alive but dependent on others.

So lost was Remus in the maze of his thoughts, spiralling deeper and deeper into dark versions of their future that he almost jumped when Severus cleared his throat.

"Well. As I said, I will continue to work with you on the Wolfsbane - but there is something I've wondered about for a while now."

Surprised Remus looked up from his study of Severus' hands on the stone. "Yes?"

"I wonder what exactly the aim of your suddenly interest in Wolfsbane is. It's most uncommon to find sudden fascination in hideously complicated potions in untrained people."

Remus' senses picked up on the impending danger within seconds. It was something in Severus' voice, something in the way it had suddenly dropped just a little bit, in the way he moved his head to the side, regarding Remus out of the corner of his eyes.

Oh no.

"Uhm, but I told you, just as I told Albus. The potion, you see, so much depends on that. It's what keeps me acceptable to human company, it's what enables me to stay here. It's, so to speak, my lifeline. Without it I'm just a monster. So why is my interest surprising? To me that is perfectly logic."

Severus stayed silent for a moment. Then he hummed something under his breath, and turned fully towards Remus. In the low light Remus noticed Severus giving him a full once-over, looking at him with that strange and very dark gaze. He shivered involuntarily, but forced himself to remain completely still.

"Perfect logic, indeed."

There it was again, that deep, dark drawl, soft velvet on Remus' senses. He suddenly had a lot of spit in his mouth and tried to gulp it down without drawing attention to his nervousness.

Then Severus moved, with surprising speed, and closed the distance between them. His voice was in Remus' ear, a warm whisper.

"But there is no such thing as perfect logic."

Remus suddenly had the feeling that his heartbeat couldn't speed up any further. And he was damn sure that Severus had noticed it, too.

Then he was gone again, as quickly as he had appeared in Remus' private space, leaving nothing but the shadow of his body. Casually he walked back to the wall he had been leaning on, took his former place and started to rummage through his pockets for his cigarette pack.

Remus, on the other hand, still stood at the stone railing and tried not to hyperventilate. So he had been found out. Bloody hell. Had he been that obvious? But then, really, what had he been expecting? Severus wasn't quite a naïve girl who wouldn't see a plan when there was one. What now?

Confused he tried to control his breathing first. Then his heartbeat. Had these robes been always been that bloody tight? And there was Severus leaning against the wall, calm as a spring morning, once more having a cigarette between his long fingers and carefully putting the pack back in his pocket.

Why could nothing ever be easy in Remus' life?

He took a deep breath. Good. Logic, right? Logic. There wasn't much chance that he could deny anything now. So what was a werewolf to do? Make a move. Easy.

Especially when there was that grin on Severus' face, and his long hands were handling the cigarette as if it were a damn invitation. That smug bastard. Fine, then.

Praying to whatever saint was the right one in this current very decidedly unpious situation Remus pushed himself off the stone railing and crossed the distance between the man leaning casually against the wall. He hadn't yet light up his cigarette and looked up from his hands as if he hadn't noticed Remus before.

Without further proclamation Remus plugged the cigarette from Severus' left hand and let it vanish into his own cloak pockets. That gained him a surprised glance and a slightly raised eyebrow.

"I see we're getting closer to your truth."

The man purred like a goddamn cat. For a brief moment Remus considered whether he shouldn't simply punch Severus' straight into the face, a desire he had felt plenty of times before, and that ever since the night at the Opium den had been fitted with an added 'or kiss the smug grin away'. Now Remus knew what he wanted to do. He smiled, slowly closing the distance between them, now being solidly in Severus' private space. He felt incredibly bold, for a brief second.

"Are you sure you want to know?"

Then he reached out, and without any warning got hold of Severus' left hand. In a quick and strong movement he turned it upwards, effectively pinning Severus against the hard stone wall. Not without satisfaction he noticed the impact of flesh and bone on the wall, a dull thud in the silence. Severus didn't wince, and he wasn't particularly surprised - but Remus didn't take the time to contemplate that. Instead he pressed himself against Severus' body, wrapped his still free hand around his neck and pulled them closer. And then he simply kissed him.

It was a short kiss, without depth. But it was enough to prove to Remus that he wanted more, and Severus reacted in just the right way to ensure Remus that his sudden assault hadn't been entirely unwanted. Their bodies firmly pressed against another Remus felt the vertebrae in Severus' neck under his fingers, and the outermost corner of his jawbone against his fingertips. He tasted cold cigarette smoke, a hint of the alcohol they had consumed in that dreadful pub - and, strangely enough, Earl Grey tea.

Within seconds Remus realized that he was physically much stronger. But he was under no illusions - he had seen enough of Severus' magic to know precisely well that he'd be dead if he harmed Severus unwanted. He even felt the magic, underneath his fingertips as his right hand grasped the thin wrist firmly, still pressing him against the stone wall. It felt so good to finally lay hands on the body he had watched the past weeks, to finally feel what was hidden underneath the layers of fabric, be it cloak or lab coat.

Then he realized that Severus would probably still need air to breathe, and released him. For a second he looked for emotions in the dark eyes he had never seen so close, expecting everything from disgust to desire. To his surprise Severus only blinked slowly, his eyes perfectly vacant.

"Interesting, indeed."

His voice was barely a whisper, in the exact tone that once before had driven Remus nearly mad, back in the opium den - a husky drawl, pitched somewhere in the bottom of the range the dark baritone could reach.

Shaking his head Remus slightly eased the grip around Severus' left hand. He tried to still his racing heartbeat or at least sound more confident then he felt.

"You're a bloody bastard."

The insult gained him a thin-lipped smile and a raised eyebrow, a familiar gesture that looked so strange seen so close.

"Yes."

Remus growled, deep in his throat, and considered trying for another kiss - Severus hadn't complained, after all. But before he could deepen his explorations or suggest them taking this somewhere less al fresco something shifted. A fraction of a second before he felt Severus silently wince in his grasp he smelled burnt flesh. As if it was on fire he ceased his hold of Severus' left hand and inched back. There was nothing visible on Severus' face, and he didn't move.

"I seem to be a most wanted man tonight."

The dark drawl remained, but there was a silent hint of something else in his voice. Tiredness, maybe. Or simple resignation. Remus cleared his throat.

"I guess you are, yes."

Then he realized that he was still almost pressed against Severus, and stepped back. In the same moment Severus nodded silently, and pushed himself off the wall. Within seconds his whole demeanor changed. He touched his collar as if ensuring that his clothing was still in perfect order. Remus, in the meantime, didn't really know where he should put his hands and simply stuffed them into his the pockets of his teacher robes, feeling like incredibly awkward and about fifteen years old.

"So, hum, you'll go?"

Severus smoothed the fabric of his cloak.

"What do you think?"

Whatever tempting had been in his voice was gone, replaced by cool matter-of-fact-thinking and a hint of annoyance. Remus knew precisely well why, but still - it felt strange. Hadn't they been pressed against a wall kissing?

Before he sorted through with these thoughts Severus seemed to check the contents of his cloak pockets. His left hand brought the blue plastic lighter to view, and he cursed silently under his breath.

Remus stared. "What?"

Looking up Severus shock his head.

"I forgot - nevermind. You might need to function as messenger to Albus for me."

Now confused Remus stared at him. But Severus sighed, placed the blue plastic lighter on the palm of his right hand and waited for a second. Remus looked at the muggle artifact. Had Severus lost his mind, somewhere between the first and the second kiss?

But his confusion was cleared seconds later. The blue lighter lay still for a short moment, and then transformed into a parchment roll. Remus blinked. So that had been the point of the meeting in that dreadful pub. He could've thought of that himself, really. Severus, in the meantime, wasn't wasting time. He took the parchment roll, broke the seal, and quickly skimmed over the contents.

"Does your brain still function somehow?"

Slightly offended Remus thought of an appropriate retort that would still enable him to test Severus' tolerance for physical proximitiy further soon - but then simply nodded. Better not risk anything.

"Good. Go back to Albus and tell him the Burkes should think about their security. And maybe hide their children somewhere for a while. France, perhaps. Got that?"

Remus nodded once more, and then watched how Severus pealed the remains of the seal off the parchment roll, rolled it to a small ball between the fingers of his left hand and pressed it flat against the now closed up parchment roll. He held the flat wax between his thumb and index finger of his left hand, and for a very brief second closed his eyes. Remus thought that the scent of burnt flesh intensified, and then the seal was fully reestablished.

Surprised Remus stared at him, but Severus shock his head and the parchment vanished into his coat pockets again.

"Later. Go and tell Albus. The information isn't in Voldemort's hands yet, and I don't see myself hurrying along. There is still time. I should have thought about it earlier."

He was angry at himself for the slip, Remus noticed. He couldn't blame him. The information Severus carried was probably often time-sensitive, and he couldn't really afford mistakes.

"I will go immediately, don't worry."

Nodding Severus turned on his heels and was through the door before Remus could say anything else. Remus heard his quick steps on the stairs downwards, not yet a run, but a purposful movement. There was no time to lose, and Remus quickly reminded himself that the same was valid for himself. He pushed the confusion in his mind as far away as he could, smoothed over his robes once more and left the tower.

He found Albus still awake, light pouring from under the door in his office. His knock was answered quickly, and Remus found the headmaster in front of his pensieve. But he was only staring down at the swirling thoughts, not immersed into them. Quickly Remus delivered what he had been ordered to say, and Albus reacted with well-practised ease. He thanked Remus, waved him away and already was halfway to the fireplace when Remus closed the door behind him.

Now even more confused then after the first time he had left Albus' office Remus slowly climbed down the spiral staircase, once more strolling through the dark corridors. So he had kissed Severus. And now?

What seemed like a bold move at that moment felt strange now. Of course Remus had wanted to do exactly that, had wanted to see what happened if he kissed the potions master ever since their evening in the opium den - but he didn't have a plan for afterwards. Or anything else.

Frustrated he stalked down the corridor towards his own quarters. There was no point walking aimlessly through the castle in the middle of the night, and he felt the tiredness creep into his body slowly. A good night's sleep, and tomorrow he would see Severus again and they could - talk. Remus wasn't sure whether he was looking forward to that conversation or not, but it seemed a necessary one to have. His brazeness seemed to have evaporated and was gone for good. Splendid. At least nobody knew what had happened, and it was a relief that at least he wouldn't have to suffer Sirius scorn. Not yet, at least.

Tossing and turning Remus spent the night between his cool sheets, drifting in and out of sleep. His dreams were a complicated senseless mixture of duel scenes in a dark forest, a bright green fire burning in the treetops, and long dark corridors he was running through, away from he didn't know what, and towards unknown destinations. He woke up drenched in sweat and even more tired than he had been the pervious evening.

Down at the breakfast table on the orchard he told everybody that the heat was finally getting to him, and Minerva nodded emphatic understanding. Sirius gave him the side-eye, but Remus simply ignored his best friend. He was strangely glad that there was no trace of the potions master during breakfast. Remus spent the day lounging at the lake, swimming and lying aimlessly in the grass, staring at the blue sky. Sirius believed his story of having a bad hangover once more, and besides some gentle teasing he left Remus alone. At three in the afternoon Remus knocked at the lab door, but only silence answered. He wasn't sure whether he had hoped for an answer or not.

But later when Remus took a seat at the dinner table he was somehow glad for having avoided Severus all day. Only when Albus, having been absent for most of the day as well arrived Remus learnt that indeed he hadn't needed to hide from the potions master. It was when Minerva filled Albus' glass with a cool white wine, smiling at the headmaster and enquiring if Severus was still hiding in his lab that Albus leant back, forcefully smiled, and then sighed.

"No, my dear, but I wish he were doing just that."

Instantly aware of what Albus was telling her she put the half-empty bottle down, and Remus felt a cold shiver running down his back. Severus hadn't simply been avoiding him all day - he hadn't returned from Voldemort's call.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 20/12/2014


	15. Running out of time

**Running out of time  
**

They waited. At first everything was fairly normal, and the waiting came easy. Albus told everybody who wanted to listen that Severus sometimes stayed out longer, was sometimes gone for days without a trace and then simply reappeared, disheveled and grumpy, but perfectly in one piece. They nodded politely, and nobody made the effort to point out that these things usually only occurred when Severus went away on his own business.

The first days passed, and the evenings were sometimes still bright and filled with laughter as Hagrid returned from his vacation, telling lavishly embellished stories about dragon caves and very cuddly Forestsphinxes. Albus carefully and with endless patience explained to the smitten groundskeeper why they couldn't have any of there creatures in the forests surrounding the castle, without pointing out that they had a reputation for luring children into the woods and sucking them dry. Hagrid was disappointed and Remus found a pounding headache taking up residence in his skull.

Five days later all it took in the morning was Albus tired, pale face to know that Severus was still gone. They tried to keep the atmosphere light, joking and smiling and talking about their days - but more than once they caught themselves glancing at the dark Forest, looming in the distance, silently hoping that any minute now a figure clad in dark robes would emerge from the trees and make its way towards the castle. But it never happened.

It was during dinner on the fifth day that Minerva carefully put her hand on Albus' arm, directing his gaze back from the forest.

"He'll come back, Albus. I know it."

Sighing Albus forced his gaze away from the dark shadow the Forbidden Forest was at night. He seemed to have aged with every passing day, suddenly looking most of his many years. Catching Minervas' gaze he tried to smile, lovingly patting her hand.

"I hope you're right, my dear."

His voice was light, but the smile was forced, and Remus felt the truth settling between them like a heavy blanket. Albus tried to hope, yes. But he knew their chances were dwindling every day, and Severus was very likely dead already. The realisation washed over Remus like the rising tide, and he gripped the stem of his wineglass tight. The cold fresh white wine rolled over his tongue, tasting nothing but bitter. He gulped it down, but it didn't help to fill the emptiness in his stomach.

He knew there was no hope for him to find sleep that night. It wasn't the moon, this time - not yet, there was still time until the silver light in the sky would call on him to serve once more. This time his fears made him walk, the sense that his hope slowly dripped away like sand in an hourglass.

In front of the great portal leading outside he met Albus. The headmaster stood silently on the top of the stairs, overlooking the grounds. The nightwind seemed to move his beard and long white hair, but his beautifully dyed green robes were too heavy for the light breeze. For a moment Remus considered turning around and taking a different exit. But of course Albus had already noticed him.

"Good evening, Remus. Taking a nighttime walk?"

Nodding Remus stood next to him, following his line of sight onto the dark forest.

"Yes. I can't sleep."

There was no need to lie or invent a story. Albus knew precisely well why Remus didn't sleep. It was true for both of them.

"I want to take a walk in the forest. Would you join me?"

Surprised Remus looked at the headmaster's face, but it remained unreadable. Just a soft, sad smile engraved into his features, his eyes glittering strangely in the little light that came from the torches. In silence they left the portal and walked on.

Minutes later the darkness of the forest had swallowed them whole. Remus was surprised how perfectly sure Albus was of their path in the woods - but then the headmaster had been living in the castle since decades, and it was hardly surprising that he knew the grounds by heart. Side by side they walked through the darkness. It didn't take long for Remus eyes to adjust to the low light, and he soon made out details in the different shapes of the trees and even caught glimpses of birds and small creatures making their way through the branches.

Albus walked carefully, his eyes fixed to the path, although Remus was sure he didn't need to see the path to find secure footing. They stayed silent for a long time. It wasn't until they had reached the apparition clearing that Albus stopped for a moment, picking his gaze up from the ground and tilting his head back to look at the sky. Clouds were chasing over the black velvet of the heavens. It wasn't a night for stars. Sighing Albus looked at Remus, for the first time during their walk.

"For years now I've had a recurring nightmare. It was always the same."

His voice was strange in the otherwise silent night, soft and slow, as if he were talking in his sleep. Remus didn't interrupt.

"I dream that I walk through the forest. It is night, just as it is now, and I am alone. I'm looking for something, with growing panic. Then I arrive here, on this very clearing - and it looks exactly as it does today - and without even looking I know that there's Severus somewhere, and that he's dead. In my dream I remain stuck on the edge of the clearing. I cannot set a foot upon it, even though I know he's lying there, waiting for me. I can't even bring him back home."

The soft voice seemed to falter, but it didn't break. Albus drew a shaky breath, and Remus followed his gaze around the clearing. It was empty, devoid of any creature or human form beyond themselves. Albus shock his head slowly.

"You must think me mad. I send him away again and again, and still the idea of losing him forever breaks my heart."

As if trying to hide his face Albus turned slightly away from Remus, who simply stood silent for a moment. Then he carefully touched Albus shoulder.

"I understand, Albus. We all do."

Albus nodded, visibly trying to pull himself together and display the strength and cheerfulness everybody wanted to see from him. It occurred only then to Remus that the headmaster had hardly anybody to whom he could ever show doubt. Who would commiserate with the man they built all their hopes upon? So it was the loneliness he shared with Severus, beyond everything else they had in common. They were deeply lonely man, taking their stands all by themselves. They both did not expect help, knew not to ask for it. Knew that there was no help for them.

"Yes, I know. And I'm glad."

Moving away from Remus he crossed the clearing. Remus followed him silently. Together they left the open space, entering the forest on the other side, venturing deeper and deeper, into places Remus had never been in his human form. They marched through the almost overgrown forest, making much more noise then before, stepping onto dried branches and wading through old leaves. Then the space grew more open again and they could walk side by side.

"It's been five days now, Remus. Five days. That is a long time."

Surprised be the suddenly collected tone in Albus' voice Remus nodded.

"Has he ever been away that long?"

It took Albus a moment to answer. They passed a peculiar part of the forest where the trees seemed to grow violet leaves, the branches covered in what looked like soft velvet. Remus had never seen them before. The rustling movements of the leaves seemed to follow a strange pattern, a whispering melody distraction Remus from his dark thoughts.

"No. But we talked about this situation, of course. There's a plan for every possible outcome. Two weeks, he always said, had to be the maximum. I was to wait two weeks, and then set the wheels in motion to officially declare him dead. Lost in action, or however they call it. Even if I were to never find a body I was supposed to declare him dead."

And for the first time Remus heard desperation in Albus' voice, combined with a slight hint of rage. The headmaster stopped, turned to Remus, his hands curled into fists, and Remus felt a sudden amount of magic prickling in the air.

"But how am I supposed to do that, declare Severus dead when I haven't seen it with my own eyes? No, no, I can't - I won't do that. He has to come home."

The sheer amount of emotion in Albus' voice felt like a knife to Remus' heart, and his own distress suddenly seemed to flood him. He cleared his throat, trying to sort through everything at once and pushing it down. But at the same time he felt sudden relief, knowing that Albus wouldn't give up like that. But what was it good for?

"He will come home, Albus. He will."

Trying to put as much reassurance as he could muster into his own voice and face Remus smiled. Albus held his gaze for a second. Then he nodded, looked to the ground and moved on. In silence they continued their walk, passing through the woods and finally reaching the edge of the forest.

Remus was surprised that they hadn't moved as much as he had thought. It had been a long walk, but now they approached the castle merely from a slightly different angle then before. From their spot they looked up at the castle perched on its hill, picture perfect in its solid place. Next to him Remus felt Albus draw a deep breath, his eyes fixed upon the castle just as Remus' gaze was turned towards their home. It seemed beautiful and solid, as if nothing could ever shatter its foundations - and yet Remus knew it as built on sand, soft sand, slowly slipping away. He had to close his eyes quickly, willing his emotions to calm.

"I guess hope is all we have."

His own voice wasn't as strong as he had wanted it to be, but it had to be said.

"Ah, but Remus - if we have hope we have so much."

Albus' voice was soft in the mild darkness, suddenly reassuring again. It took Remus a long time, even after he had returned to his rooms and crawled into bed to realize that Albus had never actually admitted to having the hope Remus thought they still nurtured.

They continued waiting. Five days turned into six, and every moment Remus was now aware that while they were counting upwards Albus was counting down. Two weeks he was supposed to wait, and six days were already gone. Eight were left.

In the end it took exactly half the amount of time Severus had once given himself for him to return.

Ever since Severus had vanished Remus had used the days for his own work. The summer holidays wouldn't last forever, and his own lessons had to be prepared. So he spent the morning of the seventh day at his desk, with the windows wide open, sunlight pouring into the room. He was reading on a certain type of mud fairy, little beasty creatures with beautiful glittering wings and a horrific stink to them, when a sharp knock sounded on his door. Looking up from his notes he pushed his book a bit away. For a brief moment he faltered, unmoving still at his desk. Could there be good news? And if not, did he really want to know?

But then he shock his head at himself. As if reality would simply go away by being ignored - he knew so much better than to believe that. Angry at himself for that sudden indulgence in weakness he put his quill down, smoothed over his hair and got up, mentally preparing himself for the worst possible news.

His opened door revealed Minerva in the doorframe, clad in a lightweight red summer robes, her eyes large with unhidden emotions. She could hardly stand still.

"Remus! He's home."

It took a second for Remus' brain to process the message. Then he felt the smile spreading over his face and the silent crash with which thousands of pounds of solid hard rock fell off his shoulders. Suddenly there was air in his lungs again.

"Merlin that - that's great news. How is he?"

Immediately Minerva sobered up.

"We don't know yet. All I heard is he's back and he's alive. Pomona told me, she heard it from Hagrid. He found him in the woods, this morning."

Mechanically Remus nodded, his enthusiasm and relief fighting with the small voice in his mind telling him that this could mean nothing. Severus could still be heavily injured, maybe even dying - but he was home, at least.

"Have you seen Albus?"

Minerva shock her head, already turning away.

"No, he's in the Hospital Wing with Poppy. I don't dare to disturb them, not yet. I'd only be in the way."

With that she smiled once more, patted Remus shoulders and wandered off, apparently feeling more at ease now she had shared her news. But Remus was instantly restless, almost tingling with a thousand questions. He had to know. And to see. But Minerva was right - there was no use for him in the Hospital Wing right now. So he forced himself to return to his desk, staring at the books once more. But the words didn't make sense, the sentences ran in circles around themselves, and all he could think about was what was happening not even five minutes away from him. He fidgeted in his chair. He started to gnaw on his quill, a disgusting habit he thought he had left behind when he took his O.W.L.s.

It was only when his quill was completely devoid of feathers when he realized that it was no use. Throwing down the tortured writing instrument he got up, marched out of his own quarters and made his way to the Hospital Wing. He had to know. Hope was burning bright.

Only when he stood in front of the large door he regained his sense of decorum. For a moment he stood in silence, not knowing whether he'd be welcome or not. Then he angrily shock his head and knocked on the door. If they didn't want him they could kick him out, after all. No need to behave like a timid First-Year.

There was no answer to Remus' knock, and he silently pushed open the door. It revealed only a large, empty room. But Remus knew his way, and moved through the large open space towards the doors leading to the private rooms, where more complicated illnesses could be treated in privacy.

In the second one the door was open, sunlight streaming from the room. Carefully not to make more noise Remus knocked on the opened door and then stopped in the door frame, barely looking around it into the room. It was empty except for a single bed, some cabinets holding medical supplies and healing potions, and a movable tray table that Poppy used to wheel her equipment around. It was clear to see that the bed was occupied, but Albus and Poppy were standing in the middle of the room, obscuring Remus' view.

Poppy noticed him first.

"Remus, come in."

She smiled, but her face was tired and not quite optimistic.

"I don't want to disturb you? Minerva told me the news."

Now Albus turned around as well, gesturing for Remus to come in.

"We thought you'd want to see for yourself. It's fine. I dare say we have done all we can at the moment, though - "

He stopped and sighed. Remus tried to ignore the slight feeling of fear prickling in his neck and walked into the room. He cast a quick glance at the bed and its inhabitant, and was far less shocked then he had thought he would be.

Severus looked surprisingly well, considering that he had been gone for a week and apparently had been found unconscious in the forest. Poppy had dressed him in one of the grey pajamas the infirmary used for its patients. The clean cotton had frighteningly enough the exact same color as Severus' skin, which had turned from merely pale to a sick ashen hue. He seemed asleep, the blanket pulled up to his chest, his arms placed on the soft duvet. Around his right wrist the bandage had been renewed, but otherwise Remus saw no signs of band-aids or bandages. His illusion charm was still gone, but Remus also picked up on the fact that apparently neither Poppy nor Albus had found or removed the other spells - the ones that Severus himself had called 'creative'. Remus wasn't sure whether that was good or bad.

Like this the man seemed to simply be asleep. His breathing was perfectly regular, and his eyes closed. The tired look on his face remained.

"Is he asleep or unconscious?"

Poppy moved to the bed, looking down on her patient.

"A magical healing sleep. Like this healing processes can work out undisturbed, and it's easier for the body to recuperate. I also don't have to fight him everytime I want to do something."

The explanation sounded logical, and Remus relaxed a bit.

"And is it bad?"

Albus and Poppy exchanged a quick glance, apparently trying to determine whether Remus had to know the truth. Immediately the sense of fear was back.

"He wasn't conscious when Hagrid found him, Remus. And he didn't wake up while Poppy examined him. The healing sleep is necessary to control the administered spells and potions, and useful on top. Theoretically Poppy can control it. But the truth is that we don't know yet if he will wake up again. And in what condition he will be then."

He looked at Poppy, and she nodded.

"His injuries aren't even half bad - a few broken ribs, his wrist torn up again, and it seems he took more Cruciatus than good for him. But - " He stopped, cleared his throat, and continued. "He was gone for so long. Something happened. And, well, there are other indications I would like to keep to myself that point toward the direction that something grave happened. We don't know what, though. But we can't say with certainty that Tom didn't destroy his mind."

Remus felt as if he someone had pulled the ground away from his feet. Concentrating on his breathing he fought down panic.

"How likely is that?"

Albus shrugged, his whole body language betraying how much it took him to remain calm and composed.

"We don't know. But we might never know. And there is something else."

He looked at Poppy, who nodded.

"He's slipping away from us, Remus. We don't know what is happening, but he's loosing energy as if something is draining him. You do know that a magical creature usually draws on his or her own magical power to heal the body if it's somehow damaged. I've seen that happen countless times before, and so often with Severus. His magic is powerful, and it always protected him - but now it seems to be weak, gone. We don't know why. There must be a spell, a charm, something - but we can't find it."

Her last sentences were already tinged with bitterness, acknowledging that she fought a loosing battle and that she wasn't used to loose her fights. And Remus could understand. He blinked back the confusion clouding his eyes, carefully drawing a deep breath - and suddenly something in his mind clicked, pieces of a jigsaw-puzzle coming together. Maybe there was hope.

"A spell, you say? Could it be that there is a spell, maybe even one that Severus himself has cast, that is still active and using up energy he would need somewhere else?"

But Albus shock his head.

"There are hardly any spells that continue to function after the person who cast them looses consciousness. Unless it is something tied to a deeper level, but that would be - well, very advanced magic."

Raising an eyebrow Remus nodded encouragement.

"Could he, theoretically, be capable of what you call very advanced magic?"

Shrugging Albus looked at Puppy and then rested his eyes on Severus. Clearing his throat he cursed, but it was almost inaudible and Remus didn't understand the language Albus used.

"Yes, by all means, he could. He'd have to work on it, but theoretically he could. But what kind of spell or charm would be that important? Why would he do that?"

Now Remus felt two pair of eyes glued to him, and suddenly realized that he hadn't really intended to give away Severus' secrets. And his final blackmailing material. But what choice did he have? Severus would love him for that, he was sure. He'd better hide somewhere for a while after the man awoke again.

But then a man had to do what a man had to do. After all his chances to kiss Severus sometime again would dwindle dramatically when the spy would turn into a corpse. Unless Remus developed a sudden taste for necrophilia, and he didn't see that happen anytime soon.

"Damn it, of course he would. It's another illusion charm, or something like that. He told me, recently. Called himself creative, the bastard."

Surprised Albus stared at him.

"But - when did he tell you? Why would he do that?"

Sighing Remus racked his hands through his hair.

"Because he's suffering. Well, he says he's dying, and I fully believe him. He's using the bloody spell to keep us thinking everything is fine and well. Do you remember what you said in your office last week, at night, after the duel?"

Remus could watch Albus understand, could see the wheels in the headmaster's mind turning, and then finally glimpse the realization in his eyes.

"I said he'd want to protect us. That he'd rather die alone then see us trying to help him and - " His sentences simply stopped in the middle of his thought.

"It would fit."

The mediwitch stared down at her patient, and then looked up again.

"Albus, it would fit. The amount of energy needed for any magical concept doing what Remus said would fit the pattern we observe here. It also explains why certain spells seemed to reflect. I would guess that we don't even see most of the damage."

Moving past Remus Albus walked over to the bed, standing on the other side opposite of Poppy. He held out a hand, drawing lazy patterns into the air that Remus instantly felt were made out of pure power.

"A basic Finite doesn't work, we tried that. And he'd expect that. Whatever he did, it's not linked to the conscious level of magic. The level beneath that, where a more complicated illusion charm would be anchored is clean. We tried that, and found nothing but the pull of the other spell. I wonder if he tied it to his own magical signature, but that would cause damage, and Severus isn't strong enough to perform something like that. It's not a potion, he doesn't believe in this certain type of Alchemy and it would go against his professional integrity. No. But - "

He fell silent, and while he was thinking the room was completely quiet.

" - I wonder - "

Then he looked at Severus' face, his hands still moving in the air, repeating the same pattern again and again. Remus felt the tingle of magic on his skin, the soft pull of something, but he couldn't comprehend what was happening. In silence he waited.

Then suddenly Albus dropped his hands, his gaze still fixed on the motionless man in the bed.

"Damn you and your creativity, Severus. If you were a less powerful wizard all of us could sleep a bit better tonight."

He looked up.

"He's must have lost his mind, sometime in the last six month. Nobody should do that and yet - and yet he did."

In his voice was rage, anger, disbelief and a very well hidden amount of admiration. Completely surprised Poppy and Remus stared at him.

"Albus?"

The mediwitch was quicker to answer then Remus.

"It's a sort of mixture between Legilimency and Occulmency - both combined, wrapped into one and set into action with a nice little bow on top."

Confused Poppy shrugged.

"I don't even know what you're talking about."

Growling Albus looked down once more.

"Of course not. None does. It's completely absurd to do that. Occlumency protects the mind from attacks through Legilimency, you both know that. And you know that Severus turned himself through hard work and dire need into a very powerful Occlumens, using his skill to protect himself from Tom's rather extensive use of Legilimency. But of course Tom cannot be allowed to realize that he doesn't enter Severus' mind whenever he tries - and thus Severus developed a method of Occlumency that uses the attackers' force to create something like a trap. Essentially Tom thinks he's wandering around Severus' mind, while at the same time he's only walking along the walls Severus has build while seeing exactly what Severus wants him to see. It's absurdly difficult, but it works."

Simultaneously Remus and Poppy nodded, and Albus continued.

"So, what happened here? Severus wants to do the same to us, but in reality. Changing his appearance isn't difficult, of course, but we'd soon recognize what is going on. So he sits down, probably with a glass of whiskey, and comes up with a mad scheme: he crafts his own mental magical field, attaches it to his own person, and carries it around with him. At some point he looks into the mirror, memorizes what he sees, and projects that into the field surrounding him. Everybody around him is touched by that, on a subconscious level that doesn't alarm even me as Legilimens. We think we look at him, but what we actually see is what he wants us to see."

It took a moment for Remus to understand what Albus was telling them.

"Does that mean that - is that some kind of automatic Legilimency? He's been manipulating us instead of changing himself?"

Slowly Albus nodded. "Yes, I think that's how it works, on a very basic level."

Poppy needed a moment to pick her jaw back up from the floor.

"But - that's impossible."

Remus could only agree.

"Well, yes. And it's also of course firmly dark magic, seeing that he basically manipulates all of us constantly."

That didn't surprise Remus. He wasn't sure if any kind of Legilimency could count as good magic, after all. But he had to admit that what Albus had now explained seemed borderline ingenious.

"That's brilliant."

But Albus firmly disagreed.

"No. Of course it is, but it's also extremely stupid - this type of magic draws energy like a sponge, and he should have been aware that even a wizard with his magical resources couldn't cope with that long term. He didn't properly think this through."

Another piece clicked into Remus' mental puzzle.

"No, he did. It wasn't supposed to be a long term solution. He thought he'd be dead by Christmas latest."

Silence fell over the room while Poppy and Albus processed what Remus had told them.

"How do you know that?"

Shrugging Remus tried to smooth over the shock.

"He told me. And I really meant to let you know but - well. Things moved faster than me. Albus, can you break that Legilimency-construction or whatever it exactly is?"

The question helped setting both into motion again. Albus looked at Remus for a minute longer, but then decided that whatever he had wanted to say was better left unsaid. He turned towards the bed again.

"We'll know soon."

Slowly he sat down on the bed, his gaze firmly fixed on the unconscious Severus. Carefully he picked one of the lifeless hands up from the duvet and cradled it in his own.

"And when you're awake we'll have a serious conversation about the limitations of magic and the importance of trust."

Then he fell silent, and Remus and Poppy could do nothing but stare and wait.

Legilimency was a form of magic Remus could not even being to grasp. Beyond the occurrences in the past weeks he had never encountered anything like this secret art of mind-reading. He had no experience with the magical mechanics used, and it had never been on his list of things he wanted to do in his life to develop a deeper understanding. Whatever Albus did to break the spell Severus had created was completely obscure to Remus. But it took time.

In the end neither Poppy nor Remus knew how long they stood around, silently waiting for something to happen. Both felt like spectators in a theater play they couldn't see nor understand.

But then, finally, the air in the room seemed to quiver with pure energy and Severus' body underneath the blanket seemed to blur for a moment. When they could see again the silence had grown heavier. All three just stared wordlessly, their eyes taking in what Severus had mercifully tried to hide from view for so long.

Within seconds Remus realized that it had to be true that Severus was dying. He looked already dead, that much was sure, and mostly because he was so thin. Skinny at his best he now seemed to have not even a hint of bodyfat on his person. Skin stretched over bones, marked the curve and shape of his skeleton, covered in bruises and badly headled cuts. His collarbones protruding underneath the collar of the pajama, visibly broken, a thin neck, his face all sharp lines and angles. The jawbone dangerously visible, cheekbones even more prominent than usually, and even closed his eyes were set far too deep into his skull.

His arms seemed to be even worse, thin skin drawn over bones like branches, every single small bone visible in his hands and on his wrists. But his hands were calm and Remus was thankful for the Healing Sleep that had removed the endless trembling from the once so precise fingers.

"And we wonder why he didn't want us to know."

Albus' voice was surprisingly stead, but filled with emotions and more sadness then Remus could bear. He nodded quietly, felling slightly ashamed for having known and not told.

"I have to do something - Albus, move please. I'll take his stats again."

As ordered Albus stood up, and Poppy soon moved her wand in the known gesture of reading a patients statistics, measuring the body and its injuries. When she was done she stepped back, clearing her throat twice before she could speak.

"Yes. As I thought. Or even worse. His wrist is almost broken, the collarbone is damaged, too. Two broken ribs, probably from a fall. A bad concussion, which probably knocked him out. But - that's only the beginning."

She had to clear her throat again.

"Permanent damage, and I've hardly ever seen that much in anybody who's still alive. I believe it's the Cruciatus. His stomach is badly damaged, which explains why he looks like a breathing skeleton. His nervous system is even worse. Massive damage mostly in his hands, some parts beyond that seem to be infected or inflamed - I have to do further tests. He must be in pain, in incredible amounts of pain, almost constantly. And that's only what I found doing a quick exam. I guess there's much more I haven't discovered yet. What did he say, dead by Christmas?"

Remus nodded, and Poppy shock her head.

"No. If he continues like this he's dead in a month. Two weeks, maybe."

Silence fell again. This time Albus was the one to break it.

"Is there anything we can do right now?"

It seemed to be the perfect question, and it set Poppy into motion promptly.

"Yes, of course. Small things. We can feed him properly, for once, and since he's not conscious he won't even object. Quite an upside of the Healing Sleep, if you ask me. Then I'll try and set his bones straight again, fix some minor injuries, maybe do something about his concussion. I'll also try to see if I can do anything about the nerval damage, especially about the pain level it's causing. Sadly we'll have to wait until he wakes up to do more, but it's a beginning. It will keep him alive."

Until, she said, not if. Remus felt hope again, like a small little bird fluttering.

"But he will wake up?"

Still moving around the room collecting medical supplies Poppy shrugged.

"Who knows. And who knows in what state of mind he'll be - the way Hagrid found him suggests - "

But a quick movement from Albus cut her short, and the rest of her sentences vanished into murmured incoherence. Another sharp glance silenced whatever Remus had wanted to say. What had happened? It was obvious that he wasn't supposed to know and there was no chance that she would tell him anything further with Albus in the room. Retreat sounded like the smartest way. After all, he had a lot to think about.

"I see. Please let me know if something changes or if there's anything I can do?"

Poppy nodded, and shooed him away. He nodded once more into Albus' general direction. But the headmaster had his head turned away from Remus, once again looking down on Severus, silently observing the difference and damage. It was a strange picture, Remus found.

He left the room shortly afterwards, feeling cut off from something he desperately wanted to know. He had wanted to go back to his private quarters, but he couldn't even form one clear thought. So his feet carried him in a very different direction, down the stairs and out through the grand portal, over the grounds. He sat down by the lake before he even knew where he was.

Looking up he saw the evening sunset reflected on the calm waters, turning the liquid into glittering light. Only sometimes a large fish or other swimming creature disturbed the smooth surface, leaving rippling circles of movement before disappearing into the hidden depth.

But all of that seemed lost to Remus' eyes. All he could think of was the magic gathering in the room in the Hospital Wing, the slightly blur of the image of Severus on the bed, and Poppy's clear announcement that he'd be just as dead as he already seemed to be if they couldn't find a way to help him.

Or that there was a chance he would never wake up again. Or that he would and his mind would be gone, destroyed, ripped into pieces and that the scenario Remus knew as Severus' worst fear would come true - that he would be nothing but a dead man still alive, his body functioning but his mind lost forever.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 23/12/2014

Apologies for the mean cliffhangers - in the last chapter and in this one. Well. I'll try again to update soon, but you know how things are with the holidays. (And yes, season's greetings..) Thanks for the reviews - made me very happy. Keep'm coming!


	16. Bound to get burned

**Bound to get burned**

Sitting by the lake Remus forgot about time. Lost in his thoughts, spiralling in a fast fall downwards around the worst possible ways their current situation could turn he sat on the grass and watched the moving mirror of the water with unseeing eyes.

When he looked up he noticed Sirius sitting next to him, and he looked as if he had been there for a good while. With uncommon patience he was crouching next to Remus on the grass, his limbs folded neatly together, looking for all the world as if he could sit silent for hours when Remus knew exactly that Sirius had to fidget around if he was forced to wait for even a small amount of time.

"Have you been here for long?"

Looking up from his observation of the lake Sirius smiled.

"Welcome back to the world. You were lost in thought, I didn't feel like disturbing you. But how can you sit still for such a long time? I already considered turning into a dog, then I could've just fallen asleep next to you."

Carefully stretching his stiff legs out in front of him Remus nodded.

"That would have been a sensible thing to do, I guess. When did you come back? I didn't know you were home again."

Grinning Sirius started to occupy himself with tearing out individual blades of grass.

"This afternoon. I went to your rooms, but you weren't there. Then I met Minerva and she told me about the near demise of the bat. Is it really that bad?"

Remus nodded, considering whether the nickname Sirius used was an insult or actually just a habit. But he decided to let it slip. At least Sirius hadn't voiced his satisfaction about the development.

"Yes, it's really bad. He could die, I guess."

For a brief moment Remus hoped his voice wouldn't choke, wouldn't display all of the emotions he carried within himself. He wasn't quite keen on telling Sirius what he had done - how he had kissed Severus on the Astronomy tower and couldn't think of anything else. How scared he was about the reality impending upon them.

To his surprise Sirius said nothing. He just inched a tiny bit closer to Remus, offering nothing but his presence and a silent invitation to talk if it were necessary - or to remain silent and simply enjoy the company. It was unusual for Sirius to be this tactful, but maybe he still remembered their recent discussion about words and their impact, and choose wisely enough to keep his mouth shut.

Around them the sunset was almost giving way to twilight. The moon already rose over the forest, still only halfway of her regular size. Remus still had a few days. A week.

And then he realized how empty the stock rooms were. How the last part of the potion had been used up during the last fullmoon. That Severus had wanted to brew a new batch, the day after he had vanished - and how things had turned out quite differently from that on.

"Shit."

It was the only thing Remus could say in that moment. Under Sirius' surprised gaze he had to explain further.

"There's no potion left. Wolfsbane. And even if Severus wakes up - he won't be able to brew. I completely forgot about that."

Sirius looked over to the forest, taking in the rising moon, and stared back at Remus.

"Fuck. What are you going to do?"

Defeated Remus shrugged.

"Well, what can I do? Hiding, that's what I'll do. But with the upcoming schoolyear, I don't know. I need to speak to Albus."

Sirius intensified his maltreatment of the grass underneath them, and it annoyed Remus immediately.

"Stop torturing the meadow, will you? It's not the grasses fault that things went downhill."

Remus wished he could punch something, preferably Voldemort - but chances were slim that he'd get that opportunity anytime soon. As he was ordered Sirius ceased pulling out grass and brushed his hands off.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to annoy you. Just a question - why don't you make Wolfsbane yourself?"

If Remus' eyes hadn't been solidly set into his skull they would have popped out of his face and rolled down towards the lake. He imagined the fish would have enjoyed his eyeballs tremendously.

"What?"

Shrugging Sirius cracked his knuckles.

"You know what I mean. You spent weeks in that damn lab, working with the bloody bat - something has to come out of that, right? Otherwise you wasted your time and my time, because I could have thought of nicer things to do than that."

Annoyed Remus growled.

"How do you imagine that to work? Do you have a clue how difficult that potion is? I don't even understand the full formula, seriously. I'd blow up the whole damn castle by accident or something. No, that's not going to work."

Sirius pulled on his thumb until the bodypart gave a satisfactory plopping sound.

"I'm surprised - usually you don't give up that quickly."

Furrowing his brow Remus shock his head. How could it be 'giving up' if he was supposed to do the impossible?

"Merlin, Sirius, we're not talking baking a cake or making a cough potion here. These ingredients are insanely expensive and rare and complicated, and without a potionsmaster I can't even tell those damn jars apart from each other."

Being done with his fingers Sirius stretched his feet, watching his ankles popp to his satisfaction. His face betrayed a slight hint of amusement.

"But you just need a potionsmaster, right? Not necessarily the bat."

Now Remus had lost track of his friends' thought process.

"Well, I have the formula - but I don't know. What are you even trying to tell me?"

Rolling his eyes Sirius fully stretched his slim frame, extending his arms over his head and yawning.

"Albus, you muppet. He's a potionsmaster, isn't he?"

In his surprise Remus remained completely silent. Of course.

Albus. The man who had discovered the twelve uses for Dragonblood. Who had written a still much used work upon the history and theory of Alchemy together with Nicholas Flamel. Who, if Remus remembered correctly, was a former student of St. Aurelius. Fully trained Master of Potions, next to his other titles. And the man who had practically ordered Severus to come up with the formula for Wolfsbane in the very first place.

Staring at Sirius Remus couldn't help but grin.

"Damn you, yes, you're right. I would've never - do you think he can do it? I have never seen him even close to a cauldron."

Done with his stretching routine Sirius recollected his body into a more human position.

"But he's teaching potions when the bat is too busy to do his job, so he has to know about these things."

That was true. It happened rarely, but sometimes Albus took over the potions classes and taught all possible years, from the first years to the intensive prep courses for the N.E.W.T.s, without looking at the books or preparing anything. And from everything Remus had ever heard he was good, although Severus always complained about Albus' use of potions to entertain rather than to educate.

Suddenly Remus felt the need to move.

"That might be the stupidest idea you've ever head - or the most brilliant. Whatever, I have to ask. Maybe - "

He stopped for a moment, wondering whether he could really give himself over to hope. But he needed to hope, this time for himself. To transform without the terror of loosing his mind, without most of the pain, without waking up and frantically trying to piece together whether he had killed or not, to not be a monster, or at least to not fully turn into the monster he really was.

"Sure. I'll take all the credit if it works, and if not I'll tell everybody it was your idea. Go and see Albus. And if not, well, I would help you if you wanted to."

For a moment Remus imagined Sirius in the lab, wandering around between fragile jars and highly explosive cauldrons - a nightmare if there ever was one. Although it would maybe help to wake Severus up. Hell, the image of Sirius in his very own private lab would probably even resurrect Severus from the dead.

"Thanks, Sirius. Hopefully I won't need your help. See you later."

Without waiting for a reply Remus got up, walking as fast as possible over the meadow towards the castle, finally breaking into a light jog. Sirius watched him from his place by the lake, shaking his head at his friend's strange outburst of energy and finally sinking back into the grass to watch the evening sky in peace while pulling entire bushels of grass out of the meadow.

Albus was in his office. At least that was what a very surprised Pomona Sprout told Remus, who nearly ran into the Herbology professor in front of the grand portal. She had just been to see him and discuss issues concerning a reorganisation of the greenhouses in the next year.

Jogging all the way up the stairs Remus finally stopped in front of the gargoyle securing the staircase up to the headmasters office. Waiting for his breath to become more regular again he went through his plan once more. It was insane, and he knew it. There was practically no chance it could work out, but then stranger things had happened to him before. And hadn't Severus himself placed enough hints for Remus so he knew what to do? Remus had the formula. He knew about three concept books, hidden somewhere in Severus' study - wherever that was.

Giving himself a mental slap to move on he gave the password - "marshmallow mice" - and glided upwards on the staircase.

Albus was seated behind his desk, in front of him officially looking paperwork that he brushed aside as soon as he saw Remus. He smiled, but it was a small, tired smile, lacking his usual radiance and brightness. He gestured for Remus to come in.

"Have a seat. What can I do for you? Would you like some tea? A lemon drop?"

Denying the tea but taking a piece of the offered sweet Remus needed a short moment to free his teeth from the sweet attack on their health.

"I wanted to speak to you about, well, something. How's Severus?"

Albus sighed, leaning back and taking off his glasses. Puling a large violet handkerchief from his golden robes he started to polish them carefully.

"Unchanged, which is bad and good at the same time. He'll remain in the Healing Sleep for the next five days, then we want to see if he'll wake up on his own. But we still don't know - and we have no idea what happened during the last days. How he even came back, or rather, who brought him back."

Gulping down the sweet lemon candy Remus tried to make a mental note to never accept them again.

"Do you think his cover - ?"

But Albus shock his head. "No, he'd be dead. Or we'd gotten his head back. Or - but we will see. But you came because you wanted to speak to me?"

It was obvious that Albus, as friendly as he was, wanted to get rid of Remus as fast as possible. It was likely that the headmaster needed time and space and wished to withdraw into his own thoughts. But Remus didn't feel like indulging him this evening.

"Yes, thank you. I wanted to ask you a few questions. Tell me, you are a potionsmaster, right?"

Surprised Albus stopped the process of polishing his glasses and returned them to his nose. Apparently he had expected everything - but not that kind of questions.

"In a certain way, yes. Why do you want to know that?"

But Remus needed to know more details. "What does that mean, in a certain way?"

Albus' face still openly betrayed his surprise.

"Well, I'm currently residing Grand Master of the Guild of Potionsmasters and Alchemists. I studied at St. Aurelius - maybe Severus told you. Then I worked with Nicholas Flamel for a long time, dragonblood, the stone, but you know these things. I'm a properly trained potionsmaster, yes, but actually I'm an Alchemist."

Now it was Remus turn to be surprised.

"There are differences?"

He had never heard about that before. Albus seemed to resign himself to a lesson he had not real desire to give tonight.

"Of course. How come you do not know these things? I guess there was not much time for theory. Let me explain it to you."

He placed his elbows on the armrests of his large chair, and stapled his fingers together.

"All potionsmasters have the same training, more or less - three years at a college, in England traditionally either at St. Aurelius or Schwarz' Hall in Cambridge - then at least two years as an apprentice with a master who's licensed to take on students. Then the apprentice returns to his or her college, and most work towards the Doctoratus then - a nice title, but mostly just a good chance to play around and enjoy working in the field. Most take the Master exam after their Doctoratus, as it's much more complicated than the Doctoratus."

He watched Remus, who felt himself compelled to nod and put on a proper listening-face.

"Most apprentices decide on their field before they go back to their college. There are two branches - the practical work, the Ars, and the theory, the Scientia. The Artists, as they call themselves, then split up into different fields - the Opus Magnum, or the crazy spagyrians. The others are called Scientes, and Alchemists are a minor branch of the Scientes. We're pure theoretical workers. The Artists claim we're too dumb to heat a cauldron properly, and we claim that an Artist can't do even an easy calculation. Needless to say that's all false - of course I can heat a cauldron, and Severus who even belongs to the most underrated branch of Artists, can perform a satisfactory amount of Arithmetic without trouble."

Fascinated Remus listened to the lengthy explanation. Everything was new to him. He hadn't known that there were so many different groups among the single group he would have labelled 'potionsmasters'.

"So you're a potionsmaster specialized on theory - but you do all the brewing, too?"

Nodding Albus smiled, satisfied with his small lesson.

"Yes."

Relieved Remus sat a bit more upright.

"Good. Because I had a small, uhm, suicidal idea."

Apparently Albus had a clue what exactly Remus' idea entailed. He closed his eyes for an instant, opened them again and smiled.

"I think I know what you want - but give me your version."

Remus tried to smile as endearing as he could.

"You see, there is no Wolfsbane left in stock, and the fullmoon is coming up. I haven't transformed without it for a long time, and the thought - "

Suddenly his voice faltered. He didn't know how to properly put his fear into words. How did one describe the panic he felt when he thought about the Shrieking Shack? Shaking his head he found his footing again.

"Could you brew Wolfsbane? Or could we?"

The question was out, stood in the room like a strange artefact for a moment and then vanished like one of Severus' smoke rings. Albus kept a remarkable control over his face and his smile stayed mostly intact.

"You know that there can't be a positive answer to your question?"

The fear in Remus' stomach growing he nodded.

"Yes. But in the past weeks I've learnt and - "

Albus interrupted him.

"Oh yes, I know. I know exactly what you've learnt in the past weeks, of course."

Surprised Remus stared at the headmaster. "You do?"

Albus sat up straight again, his elbows on the table, hands sprawled out on the desk.

"Yes. Severus had to report to me - but not for the reasons you're thinking of. As the Master of the Guild every potionsmaster who takes on a student or apprentice has to report to me. Usually that happens during the Guild meetings, but since your case was slightly special we skipped the ritual."

Now it was Remus' turn to be completely surprised.

"But I'm not really a student or apprentice."

A quick movement of Albus' hand pushed the argument aside.

"Don't be naive. The Art of Alchemy is a highly ritualised craft, and it's teaching follows a very strict code of conduct. Every master is required to strictly supervise anybody who's working in his or her laboratory - be it a full apprentice or simply an assistant. Everybody who's instructed in the Science needs to be approved by the Guild. You can't just randomly teach Potions whenever you feel like doing it. And you can't teach everything. Didn't you notice that there are certain things Severus doesn't explain?"

Of course Remus had noticed that, and he nodded.

"Yes, but I thought it was something to do with me not being good enough yet."

But Albus shock his head again.

"No. Severus was very satisfied with your work and impressed by your quick progress and motivation."

That sounded strange in Remus' ears - he couldn't remember receiving any kind of praise in that direction. But maybe Severus' teaching style was based on different things than mere praise. Albus, in the meantime, continued.

"There are things only apprentices training to take the master examination are allowed to learn about. You're not a master candidate. And Severus isn't allowed to take on apprentices in any case."

"Why not?" That surprised Remus. Why shouldn't Severus train apprentices? He was teaching Potions day in and out anyway.

"He's too young, amongst other things. There are requirements a master must fulfil to train apprentices - ten years of experience as master, which Severus has, a certain age, and some other minor things. Severus was the youngest master candidate the Guild ever accepted, and nobody believed he would pass the exam - but he did with flying colours, and was a menace to the rules ever since."

Albus smiled, obviously enjoying the memories for a moment. Then he continued.

"Well, that's all water under bridges. Let's just say he needed a special permission from the Master of the Guild to take on an assistant. Lucky for all of us it was an easy thing to get, seeing that I simply had to nod and sign a piece of paper. It would have been very complicated otherwise - how would we explain the Guild that Severus is training someone in the art of brewing a potion that official doesn't exist? Because, as you know, the Wolfsbane has never officially been registered with the Guild."

Remus wondered why Severus had never told him. It would have been an interesting discussion, maybe one they could have had in that little cafè in Oxford - but now it was too late.

"That's a lot of new information. But back to Wolfsbane, yes?"

It took a while for Albus to reply. He looked at Remus, seeing him but not really seeing him. Remus felt as if that glance went straight through he head, measuring him, considering. It had nothing to do with Legilimency though - there were many ways to be examined and weighed that had nothing at all to do with magic.

Then Albus shock his head slowly. Remus had been considered to be too light.

"I don't think that this is a good idea."

That wasn't quite what Remus wanted to hear.

"Does that mean you can't or you won't?"

He wasn't glad about having to show persistence, but it seemed necessary.

"Both. You have the formula, I know, but I have never worked with it. I don't know anything about the potion. Severus spoke a lot about it, we discussed some problematic areas, but he did everything himself - the research, the conception, the calculation, the testing stages. I don't even know if all the necessary ingredients are there, and in what stage. No, it would be madness. You will have to try and do it on your own - and maybe get used to it again. I don't see Severus brewing anytime soon."

There was nothing Remus could do to change Albus' mind, and he knew it. He felt anger collecting in his stomach, but forcefully kept as calm as possible. It could have worked, he was so sure - he had the formula, he knew that the ingredients were there and completely prepared, everything was set up already - but it was no use.

"Thank you. I won't disturb you any longer."

Remus wished he could keep his voice more neutral, to keep the emotions from leaking into his words, but the disappointment was clearly audible. Albus only nodded, and they parted in silence.

Back again in the corridor Remus needed to calm his rage. He turned it into blind energy, stomping around the castle, up and down the stairs, burning the frustration about a reaction that felt so much like betrayal. It was almost completely dark again when he finally ended up in the Great Hall, watching the enchanted ceiling displaying a beautiful night sky, not caring about Remus' fear and slowly dying anger.

He looked at the darkness above him, looked and looked, and then decided what he wanted to do with the evening.

When he reached the Hospital Wing the door to the private room opened lightly. There was only a small light, casting a warm glow on a comfortable reading armchair pushed into a corner. Poppy held a book in her lap, but she wasn't reading. She looked up when Remus entered, tired from a long day of work.

"Good evening, Remus. I didn't expect you."

Smiling Remus closed the door behind him.

"I came by on a whim. Would you like me to take your place tonight? You look like you could use a good night's sleep. And you've done so much already."

She hesitated a second, then closed her book and carefully got up.

"Would you do that? Theoretically there is no need to sit and watch Severus sleep, you see. He can't wake up. But it's a habit of mine, I always try to be there when he wakes up - well. You know how habits are. I just don't want him to be alone."

Remus agreed, promised to keep watch in her place and she accepted gratefully. Checking that her patient was fine once more she finally nodded a greeting and retired to her own quarters.

As soon as the door closed behind her Remus turned off the small light and sank into the comfortable armchair. The pale moonlight was enough brightness for him tonight, and he knew that his view would remain unchanging.

Immediately a soft darkness enfolded in the room. It was that special kind of darkness one often found in Hospital rooms, an unfamiliar darkness, so different from the one everybody knew from their own bedrooms where shadows were friends and sometimes monsters. This darkness belonged to nobody, and it knew it perfectly well.

The room smelled of antiseptic cleaner, herbs and potions, and the lavender of the sheets. There still was a soft note of Poppy's own scent in the air - Salvia and coriander, iris and powder talcum. Everything was mixed with the heavy perfume of the night air coming in through an opened window, and underneath all of it, so faint Remus wasn't sure if he wasn't making it up, Verbena and Earl Grey.

For a moment Remus closed his eyes, sorting through all the smells and categorising them into his own internal database. When he opened them again nothing had changed.

Severus lay in the white bed, still like a corpse besides the perfectly rhythmic rise and fall of his chest. New was the intravenous drip in his right arm, a clear liquid slowly dripping into his veins. Remus had no idea what it could be, but it seemed like a good thing. At least there was something they could do.

The moonlight painted harsh shadows on his face, completely unguarded in the Healing Sleep. His hair was bound back, tied somewhere in his neck, and in it's stillness his face seemed strangely naked. There was no burning gaze out of black eyes to protect him from Remus' curiosity, no acid comment dripping from his tongue, spoken with cold calculation or seething rage.

He couldn't protect himself from Remus' eyes, and there was no one who would do it instead.

But wasn't that in the end what they all wanted? Someone or something to protect them, from everything that could hurt or harm them, even if it was themselves. And wasn't that exactly what the Wolfsbane potion did? It protected Remus from himself, from the pain and the fear, but also from the realisation that he was the monster everyone told him he was. It protected him from his darkest wants, from the thrill of the hunt, the bloodlust and the cravings of the wolf. It gave him the illusion that he was a human being, after all, and not what deep inside he knew he really was.

He sat up straighter, staring at Severus motionless hands on the blanket. Poppy or whoever had pulled the blanket over his chest had draped them on his stomach, as one would place a dead man in a coffin. His long fingers were relaxed, not even touching themselves, the palms downward on the brilliant white of the sheets. Their thinness was haunting, but at least they didn't move in that endless tapping rhythm Remus still could feel ghost over his own palms if he allowed himself to drift into his thoughts.

How could a man like Severus cope with that? There was nothing to protect him from that reality - or was there? Had he created the strange spell to not only save others from seeing what was happening to him, but also to stop himself from thinking about it? How did one live, knowing that death was imminent, facing it daily but not dying?

Remus wondered how Severus had felt in the very beginning, when things were still almost right, before he had developed his system of illusions and potions to deal with his own physical deterioration. Had he cursed and yelled, thrown things and accused fate of being cruel? Had he gone to bed and cried over what now finally was lost - first his career, his ability to work and ultimately his life? Or had he just closed his eyes once, inhaled deeply and given himself the mental kick needed to perform what he considered to be his duty, another display of sheer willpower and cold discipline?

Remus' own fate suddenly seemed strangely mild compared to that. He wouldn't die, or at least he hoped so. The Shrieking Shack had been his home before. It would do the trick again.

Sitting in darkness with the moon and Severus he thought about the past and the present, ignoring the small shrill voice of panic reminding him of his uncertain future while feeling the heavy weight of surrender to reality slowly pressing down on his shoulders. Was there a point in putting up a fight when he knew he would loose?

Deeper and deeper he sank into his thoughts, once more falling into the spiral he had been in earlier that day by the lake. But now there was no Sirius to disturb him, to talk him out of his bleak thoughts. He almost felt the poverty again, the damp walls of the flats he had lived in, barely making enough money to live and yet too much to die.

How long his nightmare-like visions lasted he couldn't tell later. It must have been hours later when he suddenly realized a movement in the room, something strange - someone had entered the room. Remus jerked his head around, jumped from the armchair, and found himself facing Albus Dumbledore. The headmaster stood leaning next to the wall by the door. How long he had been in the room Remus could not tell.

"Merlin, Albus - don't scare me like that!"

The adrenaline was still pumping in his blood. With unsteady fingers he replaced his wand in his robes, still glaring at Albus who looked appropriately remorseful.

"I'm sorry, really - but I made sure the door made a noise when I closed it."

Remus rubbed his forehead, his blood still throbbing in his temples.

"I swear, that scare took ten years of life away from me."

Albus examined his shoes briefly.

"Again, apologies. I'm not used to being overlooked, I guess."

There was enough hurt pride in these words to ensure Remus that Albus was telling the truth - a quick glance into a side of the headmaster Remus had only seen glimpses of, but wasn't too keen on getting to know better. Right now he still wasn't sure he really wanted to talk to Albus. He had been too lost in thought, too deeply involved into the examination of his own mind and it's twists and turns.

"I wanted to speak to you, Remus."

Strangely enough Remus suddenly felt as if he had taken on Severus' usual role. The dire need to cross his arms in front of his chest and roll his eyes was urgent and didn't even go away when he tried to push it down.

"Yes? Shall we move to someplace else?"

But Albus shock his head, and waved Remus to take a seat in his armchair again. He himself sat down on the edge of the bed, looking at the perfectly still Severus for a moment.

"I'd like to stay. It's quiet here, removed from the world I sometimes think. We won't disturb Severus. He can't hear us."

The thought brought Remus back into his dark musings. Shaking his head to chase the thoughts away he walked the few steps to the window, opened it completely and sat on the window sill. The soft and still warm night air seemed to immediately flood the room with its smell of warm grass and wood. Encouragingly he looked at Albus. Only then he realised that the lights were still off and they were sitting in darkness. But Albus didn't seem to mind.

"I thought about our talk after you left and I have to admit that I might have rushed my decision. I do understand the importance of the potion for you, and in conclusion to all of us. We don't know what will happen when Severus wakes up again, in what state his mind will be. But we need to find an arrangement that enables you to continue your work here, and thus we will need the potion. We can't afford to loose you, Remus."

Pondering Albus' words Remus wasn't sure whether he should feel validated or not. Did Albus mean it?

"And I didn't give you the chance to fully explain what you wanted to tell me, yes?"

Clearing his throat Remus nodded. That was a second chance if he had ever had one, and he wasn't going to let it pass by unused.

"Well, yes. I don't know a lot about potions, but - I think we would work under good conditions. I know that all the ingredients are in stock and prepared. I know that Severus kept notes on the potion, and he told me to look for them in his study. And I have the formula."

Looking down at the silent form of the potionsmaster Albus nodded.

"Did you know that I asked for a copy of the formula and he denied my request? He said there was one in his vault in Gringotts, and nowhere else."

Remus understood the implication in this, all the layers of meaning. All the things Albus left unsaid.

"But I do have a memory of Severus brewing, which will be very useful."

There was no time for Remus to slip back into his thoughts. "A memory?"

"Yes, to be viewed in a pensieve. He gave it to me a few month ago, for safekeeping. I know where it is, I'll look at it."

Suddenly there was this wicked little piece of hope again in Remus' chest. And fear.

"So - are we going to try it?"

Sighing Albus combed through his beard.

"Don't be too hopeful yet. I have to look at the memory, see the notebooks. We have to assess the situation properly before we embark on that experiment. You are aware how dangerous it will be?"

Remus nodded. There was no need to remind him. Severus had been very honest about the demands of the Wolfsbane, and Remus himself had gotten a good glance at the dangers of Alchemy engraved into Severus' skin.

"And you have to remember that it might not work. Wolfsbane is one of the most complicated potions out there, after all, and besides Severus nobody has ever worked with the formula. There are pitfalls to that. But - well. I guess if the starting conditions are good, and we have to check that first, we maybe could try it."

Once more Remus nodded, this time with more emphasis, and Albus only smiled.

"You're really stubborn. Severus would like this whole thing, if it weren't his potion and his private laboratory. We will get in trouble for that when he wakes up."

The smile broadened, and Remus couldn't help but smile himself. He could imagine the fuss Severus would make about that, indeed. If he only would wake up again.

They remained silent. Albus sat on the bed like a strange sentinel, completely still, the smile still on his face. The pale light of the moon and stars carved deep lines into his face, painting shadows that weren't there during the daylight.

When Albus spoke again his voice seemed heavy, sadness dripping from every word.

"He wouldn't be here if he had trusted us enough. But he doesn't. I fear he never will."

For a brief moment Remus wondered whether the words were aimed at him, or if Albus was simply voicing his thoughts. But before he could say something Albus nodded resolutely and stood up from the bed.

"But we shouldn't dwell on things we cannot change. And if we really want to attempt Wolfsbane we'll have a lot of work to do. I will search through my office for the memory. Can you pick up the notebooks from Severus' study?"

Remus stood up from the window sill as well.

"I would, but how do I enter his rooms?" It wasn't very likely that Severus kept his doors ajar for visitors to drop in. Remus didn't even know where his private quarters were located.

"The password is Licet, and you can use it tomorrow from morning till evening. Then it will be inactive again."

That was a system Remus wasn't privy to. "How does that work?"

Albus smiled. "A nice system, isn't it? Let Severus explain it to you, creative things like this are his favourite pastime. He comes up with small new spells like this all the time. You will find the notebooks in his study, I believe. Serpens Tower, one floor above the laboratory. He's got a beautiful view, maybe the best in the whole castle. Make sure you take a good look out of the living room windows."

And then Albus was gone, closing the door softly behind him, leaving only darkness and silence behind him. Remus reclaimed his space in the armchair, his thoughts still circling about these new developments. Did they even stand a chance? They were testing their luck, that much was for sure. But with the most powerful wizard by his side, what could happen?

A lot, Remus inner voice softly whispered, and he fell into uneasy slumber with the image of burning fire and heavy smoke in his mind. Severus in the opposite bed didn't stir and whatever thoughts he might have had on the plan remained hidden behind his blank and unmoving face.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 28/12/2014

_Licet - It is permitted_


	17. Daylight in the mind

**Daylight in the mind  
**

The next morning Remus stood in front of the large heavy wooden door that was exactly where Albus had indicated it would be. He still felt slightly wrinkled from a night spent in the armchair in the Hospital wing, but a quick hot shower and fresh clothing had removed the worst and made him feel at least slightly human again.

He had climbed the stairs past the laboratory and arrived in front of the door. He had never been in this area before, even after he had started to work with Severus - even though Severus knew exactly where Remus lived. Especially since their night in the Opium den, and Remus rather indecent offer.

Clearing his throat Remus examined the door. It was solid, like every door in the whole castle, and sturdy, made out of dark wood - ash tree, if Remus was correct. Unlike most other doors it had no doorknob. Remus paused. Now that was unexpected. Usually passwords for doors worked in an easy way: one put one's hand on the doorknob, said or thought the necessary word and voila, the way was free.

Now the simple absence of the doorknob seemed problematic. Just to try it Remus thought the Latin password once or twice clearly, but nothing happened. Sighing he looked up and down the corridor and suddenly felt stupid. What was he even doing here? Pushing his flat palm against the heavy wood he said "Licet" loud and clear, and promptly the door swung open.

Well, then.

For a moment Remus stared at the now open passage, noticing soft half-light inside what he guessed was the corridor into Severus' rooms. He stood in front of the open door a minute, and then lost his patience with himself. What did he expect inside Severus' rooms - Scylla and Charybdis? A reincarnation of the dog with the three heads Harry was still terrified of? Voldemort himself? Forcing himself to move he crossed into the small room, and the door closed behind him.

Nothing happened.

It was just a small hallway, not bigger than the one Remus himself owned. There was nothing even remotely special about it. A quick Lumos-spell later Remus saw nothing he hadn't expected. A well-cared for collection of shoes neatly lined up underneath a row of cloaks and coats - mostly robes, mostly heavy fabric. He caught glances of two muggle-style wool coats, a few scarves thrown over the pegs, and then something else. A soft pull on the visible arm produced a very well worn leather jacket Remus had rather not expected, and that quickly vanished again under the more conventional cloaks.

Remus almost slapped his own wrists. He was not here to spy on Severus or rummage through the currently absent man's life, after all. He didn't have permission for that.

So he walked on. One of the doors let into a large living room, and Remus immediately understood what Albus had meant when he spoke about the view. One wall of the long room consisted of three large windows, reaching all the way from the floor to the high ceiling. Through the glass panes Remus saw the grounds stretching towards the Forbidden Forest, and the open sky. It was a spectacular sight, and the sunshine flooded the room. Simple white curtains to the right and left of the windows were tied together, hardly big enough to cover that much glass.

Otherwise the room was sparsely furnished. Like everywhere in the living areas of the castle dark wood covered the floor, in contrast with the light sandstone of the walls. A large fireplace loomed over one side of the room, lavishly carved with ornaments and probably as old as the castle itself. Otherwise everything in the room seemed to be of that simplicity which Remus could largely enjoy, but never afford. On a thick dark carpet a large sofa dominated the room, accompanied by a comfortable looking armchair, both in a rough dark grey fabric.

The sofa looked comfortable despite its lack of pillows, and was large enough to even accommodate a tall man stretching out on it. Besides that there was no furniture besides a glass coffee table and a long low shelf on the other side of the room, containing a few objects of which Remus could place only a few immediately. There were a dark wooden boxes with ornamental decorations, something that looked like a Japanese tea bowl, four vases without any sign of flowers. Some parts of the shelf were covered by wooden doors. On the shelf was a black lacquered tray holding a crystal bottle and four matching glasses, and the amber coloured liquid inside the bottle looked very much like a good whiskey. There was a series of three abstract paintings - black lines on white ground, nothing figural - and that was it, ignoring the open door opposite the fireplace.

The only thing that lent a trace of actual life to the austere room were the books. And they were everywhere. There were piles on the glass coffeetable in front of the sofa, underneath the table and next to its feet. There was a stack next to the armchair, and a book balanced on one of it's armrests. A stack of large coffeetable books was placed on the low shelf itself, bearing information about muggle painters, Japanese landscapes and a linen bound collection of French travel essays. There was a book on the couch, half-covered by a dark grey rug that pointed towards an owner who sometimes fell asleep on the sofa and needed a blanket handy.

For a brief moment Remus wondered if Severus indeed actually lived in these rooms. There was nothing personal, beyond a few objects and the art - but nothing he would expect a man to have who had been living in these rooms since almost a decade. No pictures showing people or family, no clutter, nothing that seemed to be in a place it didn't belong to. Everything had a fixed space. There was no dust.

Moving on Remus crossed through the open doorway, realising that it didn't even hold a door, and walked into what could only be Severus' private study. It was smaller than the living room had been, but held the same large windows covering almost the entire wall. Sunlight streamed through the clean window panes, flooding the desk that was placed in front of them - strangely enough with the chair facing the windows so that the owner of the desk would sit with his back to the windows, facing the open room. And the bookshelves.

And there were many of them, enough to truly warrant that Severus spoke of his private library. The shelves, beautifully designed in dark wood, covered every available space of the wall. They were crowded with books, and nothing but books. Remus couldn't see a single opening where another book might have found enough space, which explained why the stacks had started to seep into the living room.

Before Remus could stop himself he started to examine the shelves. He was looking for books, after all.

Within minutes it became obvious that there was hardly a topic Severus' books didn't cover - with the expectation of more obscure magical fields as Divination and the obvious lack of cookbooks. For a brief moment Remus thought about his mother's extensive collection of cookbooks and smiled.

But with these exception Severus seemed to own a text on almost everything. There were paperbacks from Muggle printers in harmony with heavy leather bound volumes as magical businesses printed them, everything obviously well used and in various stages of decomposition. Many books showed clear traces of having been studied intensively. There were bookmarks everywhere, poking out from beneath the pages of at least half of the visible books. While giving the shelves just a cursory once-over Remus saw every possible item one could use as bookmark - slips of paper, theatre tickets, train tickets, muggle money from various states, once even a feather hardly visible.

It seemed that Severus simply read everything he could get his hands on, and furthermore obviously didn't throw books away. His library was sorted by subjects, and included everything from biographies to travel descriptions, novels and poetry collections, anthologies and edited diaries. Books in various languages lived peacefully next to each other, indicating that Severus understood and read a fair scope of European languages. French novels stood next to Italian works, Latin classical texts next to something Remus couldn't even decipher. The only divide seemed to exist between literature, non-fiction and his work library.

It didn't surprise Remus that the focus of Severus' work collection was clearly set on potions and herbology. That also included works on the material science of potions, history of alchemy, arithmetic and other subjects related to it. Furthermore there were works on the history of magic, transformation, various types of rare and complicated spells, monographies on magical creatures and plants. And of course the more practical works - dictionaries and works on grammar in various languages, textbooks to go with them and encyclopaedias.

In one of the lower shelves a monster book growled silently as Remus knelt down to get a better look. It was rugged and furry, but seemed well-kept and not too dangerous. Above it were shelves filled with books bound in black leather with no markings on the bindings, and Remus didn't need to look closer to realize that Severus apparently also kept a collection of books on the Dark Arts. He made sure not to touch anything there, and quickly moved on to the last shelf of the room.

Located right next to the desk it finally held an extensive collection of notebooks in various stages of use. Just as everywhere else in the library Remus saw a mixture of muggle notebooks and the heavier leatherbound volumes magical folks preferred. There were small and large notebooks, black ones and those with colourful bindings in paper and cardboard. Some seemed heavily damaged from water or fire, some had a small piece of paper pasted to their spine to indicate their contents. Trying to decipher Severus' creative handwriting Remus noticed that these small notes weren't of any help - he had no idea what could be found inside the notebook with "Prague 10th" or "Rome 1/3" on the spine. Some simply held names, others dates and years. The word "Doc" was on at least ten notebooks, with the appropriate number behind it. In the middle of the shelf a board contained nothing but parchment rolls and letters, some neatly stacked, others in confusion.

Sighing Remus stepped back and gave the entire shelf a once over. The notebooks on Wolfsbane had to be there, that much was sure. But which one of the many notebooks was the right one?

He decided to go by elimination. It couldn't be any of the books with tags to their spines, because none of the names made sense in relation to Wolfsbane. That ruled out a good portion of the badly damaged muggle notebooks. Next he knew that there were three notebooks on Wolfsbane, and knowing Severus he guess that they somehow belonged together. That left only few options.

Stepping closer to the shelf again he examined the row above the parchment rolls, and three particular books caught his attention. They were bound in dark brown leather, two large volumes and a rather small one next to them.

Carefully he extracted them from the shelves and carried them over to the desk. Only when he put them down and his fingers brushed over the spines he noticed the dry-embossed roman numerals on their backs: I, II and III. Still careful he opened the one with the roman I on the back. On the first page, with black ink a large roman I stared back at Remus, and underneath scribbled in hardly legible script: Wolfesbane. He had found what he had been looking for.

Quickly he arranged the notebooks on the desk and without thinking took a seat in the large wooden desk chair. Only when he had already seated himself comfortably he realized that he had just occupied Severus' very private desk without an invitation or asking anybody. For a moment he felt like an intruder, until he remembered again that it was very unlikely that the owner of said desk would suddenly appear in the doorframe and tell him off. Although Remus wouldn't actually mind that happening - or at least prefer a cursing Severus to a half-dead comatose one.

It also seemed that there weren't many items on the desk that could be too private for Remus' eyes. It was carefully cleaned and well-arranged. And almost empty. There was a black ceramic pot holding various pens, pencils and quills, amongst them what looked like an expensive muggle fountain pen in polished black and gold. There were a few sheets of fresh parchment, neatly arranged into a clean stack and on top of them a small leather bound volume that looked like a planer or an adressbook. Remus did not touch it.

The only thing that looked strangely out of place was a small piece of glass, placed in front of the pencil holder. It seemed to be a shard and looked as if it once had been part of an ancient object. The edges were rough, not sanded down, and it seemed to be sharp like a good knife. Turning the piece of glass in his hands Remus felt the cold of the glass, it's sides glittering in the sunlight. The more he turned it in his hands the more he felt it's beauty and coolness, seeing the reflexes of the light on the bookshelves. And there was something else, a pull, strange in its strength, as if some kind of magic was residing inside the piece of glass. Shaking his head Remus put it down again, careful not to cut himself on the sharp edges. Whatever it was, he didn't want to touch it again.

Instead his gaze wandered around the room. Despite the lack of personal items, of pictures or other relicts of a full life he suddenly seemed to sense Severus' personality in the arrangement of the books. There was a hint of authority to a collection so extensive, something leisurely in the high ceiling and the expensive carpets. He could imagine Severus wandering among his books, looking for something here and there, taking out a volume and stretching out on the thick carpet to read.

Shaking his head Remus forced his thoughts back to reality. Maybe he should consider writing cheap romance novels if his thoughts continued to wander into kitschy realms. To distract himself he opened the first notebook.

And pushed it aside frustrated mere minutes later. He was sure that these notes could contain the wisdom of the world - but he couldn't read it. Even though he had managed to understand the concept Severus used to structure the books quickly. There was a clear index, structured by dates, and it pointed towards the various pages that always had the date on top and then what Remus imagined were notes on various experiments. Or not. If he were honest he had no idea, as the writing was mostly completely illegible. The black script was littered with abbreviatures and a shorthand Remus didn't understand. Sometimes parts of sentences slipped into other languages without forewarning, included Latin phrases or Greek symbols. And something Remus had never seen before - was that supposed to be some kind of cuneiform script? He squinted at the text, but it didn't help.

Neither did the amount of arithmetic calculations and chemical notations. Or that almost every piece of writing seemed to have been corrected, rewritten, crossed out or underlined. The pages were partly damaged, from water or fire, and some had turned into a complete mess of blurred ink. He didn't understand a single thing, and he knew it wouldn't help the least if he were able to read Severus' handwriting. It was obvious that he was looking at the paper incarnation of the thought process a potionsmaster at work would have - and Remus simply wasn't one.

The second book seemed more promising. For once it wasn't as badly damaged as the first one, which led Remus to the conclusion that it had never seen the lab. And he was right. It contained various excerpts from literature or longer text, written in the same black ink as the first one, but far more legible. Clearly structured it seem to chronicle everything Severus had found on Wolfsbane, with detailed notes on the whereabouts of the original books.

He seemed to have travelled a fair bit to reconstruct the existing knowledge on the potion, as Remus noticed flipping through the pages. And there were the letters, sometimes sewn onto the pages, that proved how carefully he had inquired with various sources around the world. "Master Snape, your letter concerning the potion - " they all started. More and more fascinated Remus read his way through the second book, flipping through the pages, following Severus on a journey he already knew would end in the laboratory, as chronicled in the first book.

The third book, then, proved to be everything they would need. Thinner and a bit smaller then the other two it was nothing less then a manual on how to properly brew wolfsbane. Written in the same black ink, but far more legible it took the reader through the necessary steps of the potion's development, contained the full formula and detailed instructions on how the brewing process had to be performed. The final pages were devoted to common mistakes, hidden traps and easy to understand drawings illustrating various steps, followed by an index and a register.

It was obvious that it had been written to instruct another person on how to brew wolfsbane, and Remus suddenly remembered Severus speaking of documents he had placed in his vault, which in case of his death were supposed to be handed over to Andreas Libvaius. Remus was fairly certain that he held a copy of these documents. But he also immediately understood that it must have taken weeks and weeks to draft and produce a document like that.

Just as he flipped through the final pages a sound at the window made him nearly jump over the desk. Turning around he saw a small black bird hovering in front of the window pane, clearly demanding to be let in. Relaxing from his shock Remus stepped up to the window, and within seconds had opened the ancient mechanism that kept the window closed.

The bird gave a disapproving sound, and immediately flew into the room. Perching on the desk chair the messenger looked around, making a soft sound.

"Ah, you're looking for Severus? He's not here. But I can deliver your letter."

The bird looked at Remus from its pale eyes, gave a croaking sound and seemed to consider this option. Then it raised one leg, and allowed Remus to untie the letter. He placed the small scroll on the desk.

"Thanks. I'll give it to him. And now goodbye."

He pointed toward the window, but the bird didn't move. Remus tried it again, with a shooing motion, but nothing happened. Sighing he placed his hands on his hips.

"Food, he? Always out for treats."

The bird croaked again, this time making almost nodding motions. Shaking his head Remus scanned the room. Where would Severus keep owl treats? He didn't have a single idea.

But the bird did. Slowly moving on the desk chair to the right it kept on bending down, pointing towards the desk drawers with its beak.

"Been here before, haven't you?"

Following the birds' orders and with only minimal remorse Remus opened the first drawer. It contained more pencils, paper and other writing utensils - and a small box from a muggle retailer selling mints. Picking up the red and white tin Remus opened it, to find a selection of bird treats. The mailbird croaked encouraging, and Remus fed it no less than three treats before it shock it's feathers and took off through the opened window. Shaking his head Remus replaced the tin, and closed the drawer. He felt a tiny bit smug about the almost-chaos within it. At least there were small signs that Severus wasn't as inhumanly prim as the room seemed to suggest.

Then he decided to take the books back to his own rooms. Carefully stacking them and carrying them into the living room he placed them onto the coffee table and returned into the study to close the window still open. The small scroll lay in the middle of the desk, untouched. He wondered if he was supposed to bring it to the Hospital Wing - but then Severus was still asleep, and wouldn't be able to read it anyway. He could simply tell him when he woke up again.

Glancing at the shelves one last time Remus felt a certain sense of longing. He could imagine long winternights here, with the fire blazing, a good pot of tea on the coffee table and being curled up with a book. Who would have imagined that the dark potionsmaster lived in lodgings flooded by daylight, surrounded by books and art and not by dead creatures with unseeing eyes stuffed into jars?

Back in the living room Remus allowed his curiosity to take the lead once more and cast quick glances into the remaining rooms. One was a bathroom, just as white tiled and perfectly clean as his own, with nothing particularly special to it. Towels, non-descript bottles as any man would keep them, and a very muggle toothbrush.

The second led into a bedroom. Just like others it had large windows, allowing the view onto the other side of Serpens Tower. But it seemed darker than the living room and study. The carpet was thicker, and heavy dark curtains framed the windows, able to block out any kind of unwanted sunlight. The bed was large and, unlike most beds in Hogwarts, not a canopy bed. The dark wood - ash tree once more, probably - and the clean lines fit in nicely with the character of the other rooms. Only the sheer size surprised Remus, who himself owned a rather indecent large bed that seemed almost small in comparison to Severus' own. And there were pillows, much more than most people would need, together with the duvet in perfect white linen and a heavy dark bedcover. For a man who was notoriously overtired and famous for sometimes not sleeping at all owning such a large bed seemed like a strange luxury.

Next to the bed on Remus' side of the room stood a nightstand in the same dark wood as the bedframe. It held a small water carafe complete with a glass, and a small muggle artefact - a plastic alamclock with green numbers and white hands that would probably glow in the dark. It's soft ticking sound filled the room with a calming white noise.

Besides that there were the ubiquitous books in a stack next to the bed and one with a bookmark in it on the nightstand. Other than that the room was plain - a closet and a dresser. On top of the latter stood a box, once more black lacquer, about the size of a shoebox. There was no visible lock, but the perfectly polished surface seemed strangely forbidding to Remus. There were no fingerprints visible on the perfect black. Involuntarily shuddering he turned around, and was almost out of the door when he caught the gleam of sunlight on glass.

Next to the nightstand, pushed slightly back and not clearly visible behind a stack of books was a small box containing a number of vials. Inching closer Remus counted no less than twelve, and immediately was reminded of the empty vial he still kept on his own bookshelves a few floors away from here. He didn't need to think about the possible content of these vials. They seemed too obviously connected to what had become visible underneath the legilimency spell.

Finally the sense of being an intruder crept up on Remus again, and he turned around. Softly closing the door he walked through the living room once more. Picking up the three notebooks from the coffee table he cast a final glance through the room. He liked what he saw, even though it was far removed from his usual living style. Everything seemed to be placed with great care, showing clearly the Ã¤aesthetic preferences of the owner of these rooms. The clear lines and austerity were only overwhelming at first. Underneath Remus picked up on the heavy fabrics and soft throws, the comfortable pillows and the sofa turned towards the fireplace. It was a calm space, a place to rest and think, and it seemed fitting that Severus had created a contrasting space to his hectic and so often dangerous life.

Remus was almost out of the door into the hallway when he saw another thing he hadn't noticed before. On the mantelpiece, next to a box that looked a lot like the usual floopowder boxes, lay a piece of silver. On closer inspection Remus realized that it was the pocketwatch he had seen in Severus hands before. He couldn't remember seeing it when he first walked in - had it already been on the mantelpiece? And who put a pocketwatch on a mantelpiece? It looked as if it had been placed there by accident, as if Severus had walked into his rooms, and just left it there for a moment before returning it to its proper place.

It was a beautiful timepiece, and Remus couldn't resist moving the notebooks underneath his arm and carefully picking it up. Cold and solid the watch rested in his palm, surprisingly small for a man's watch. It opened fluidly when Remus pushed on the button, and he examined it closer when he felt something hard underneath his fingertips. He found a small emerald worked into the metal, almost hidden. The face with roman numerals was easy to read and clear, and through a small opening Remus saw the balance-wheel moving constantly, allowing the watch to tick slightly. Closing the lid again he examined it form the outside.

There was a faint engraving, hardly visible through age, showing a tree growing from a skull. From it's many branched one single apple hung, temptinglishly just close enough to reach out for it, and around the outside of the lid a Latin phrase was engraved. Noli me tangere it read, but Remus didn't speak Latin and couldn't make sense of the words. Inside the apple the initials CS were engraved.

Just as carefully as he had picked it up he sat it down on the mantelpiece once more. He didn't know how it had gotten there, but it wasn't any of his business. He had the notebooks and within them finally a guidance to help him find his way through the craziness that brewing Wolfsbane would be. Albus had said they would try, if the notebooks were promising - and Remus would eat an entire Quidditch-teams' broom-collection if they weren't, that much was for sure.

With new certainty he fastened his grip around the books, looked around once more and marched through the hallway out of Severus' rooms. The door closed behind him with a satisfying sound, and the magical system locked it immediately. Behind Remus nothing but dust dancing in the sunlight remained.

As he had promised he brought the concept books up to Albus' office after lunch. The headmaster was seated behind his desk as usual, and his office was flooded with the same bright light that had lit up Severus' rooms.

On Albus' desk was a large bowl made out of rough stone, with runes inscribed into the very edge. It was round, with a thick fog floating the middle.

"Come in, come in. I see you found the books. Did you enjoy the view?"

Smiling Remus took the chair, depositing the books on a free space on Albus' desk.

"I did, it's indeed beautiful. He never told me about it."

Reaching out Albus took the first book and opened the cover.

"Just as I thought. Well, you see, Severus is a rather reclusive person who likes to keep a safe hiding space from the world. He would do great as a cave hermit, wrapped in furs and growling at visitors all the time. Sadly fate decided to turn him into someone who needs to deal with social interaction."

The image of Severus as a caveman intensified Remus' grin considerably. It was a strange image that Albus painted, yet a fitting one. Severus was one of the few people who could be completely content with not speaking for days, if Remus assessed his character right. And yet - and yet he had spoken to Remus. Out of all people.

Albus was quietly leafing through the first notebook.

"Dear Merlin, his handwriting is ghastly indeed. How are the others?"

Quickly Remus pushed the third book into Albus' direction. "Much better, especially this one."

Picking it up the headmaster gave it a cursory glance and nodded, visible satisfied with what he saw.

"Yes, yes, perfect. I knew I could trust Severus with that."

Putting it down again he gestured towards the Pensieve.

"I've found two vials with memories labelled Wolfsbane. I think one is a memory Severus gave me, and the other - I'm not sure. I was about to view them. Would you like to accompany me?"

Surprised Remus nodded. He had never been inside a Pensieve. Five minutes later he was seated on the other side of the desk, and Albus explained everything carefully once more.

"Really, it's easy. You have to do nothing. Just bent over, and touch the liquid with the tip of your nose. You will experience a falling sensation, and it's essential not to panic. But that's it. Remember that nothing you see can affect you. But don't worry, I'll follow you shortly, though I don't really know where we'll end up. But we can leave anytime we want."

Nodding Remus took a deep breath, and slowly leant forward. With his nose almost in the twirling mist inside the Pensieve he thought he felt a cool sensation. Then he inched a bit closer, and just the second the tip of his nose touched the first waves of the floating substance he suddenly felt a strong pull, a feeling as if the hard stone of the Pensieve was scratching his stomach - and then he fell into darkness.

It was an intense feeling, worse even then being appareted somewhere. The darkness seemed to flood into his mind through his eyes, nose and mouth, drowning out the daylight and his surroundings.

And then it was over just as suddenly as it had happened, and he stood in a lush garden in the middle of an summer day. The sun was shining just as brightly as it did outside of the real castle walls.

Surprised he looked around. The garden was large, and well kept. In the distance he saw the edge of a green forest and a shrubbery encircling the garden. To his right a path went through the grass towards a large, and visibly very old house. It had two small turrets, but wasn't as big as a real manor would be. The roof was strangely slanted towards the garden, and from one of the chimneys smoke was rising even though it wasn't cold and Remus could see no immediate need for heating a house in the middle of summer.

But before he could take another look at the house he noticed a door opening in the back, and two people leaving the house. To his surprise he knew one of them very well. It was Albus himself, maybe a few years younger, wearing a bright blue lightweight summer robe. The other man was much smaller, thin, and his almost white hair was cut short. He wore muggle clothing with a distinct oriental touch, light linen trousers and a shirt that looked comfortable enough in the summer warmth. As they came closer, approaching a few trees giving shadow to a bench and a table Remus noticed his unsteady gait. It was only when they passed him, missing him by centimetres, that he saw the traces of a birthplaces somewhere in the east or beyond that in the cut of the man's face, emphasised by entirely black eyes.

Then, out of thin air, Albus Dumbledore stood next to him. It took Remus a few seconds to glance from the Albus of the memory to the headmaster right next to him, and he was glad that they at least weren't wearing the same robe.

Chuckling Albus turned around, taking in his surroundings, before he turned to Remus.

"I have to say I wasn't aware I still had this particular memory stored somewhere. It won't be of much use to you, but, well, it might entertain you. Or not."

Remus turned to Albus, looking away from the two man who had just seated themselves in the shadow of the trees.

"Where are we?"

Albus smiled broadened.

"A beautiful garden, isn't it? And that's only the public part of it, all the herbs and magical plants were kept behind the shrubbery. Yes, it was magnificent."

That didn't help much to clear up Remus confusion, and Albus understood quickly.

"Forgive me, I got carried away. I haven't seen this for a long time."

Now impatient Remus tapped his feet. "Yes, and?"

Albus smiled, but his face was tinged with sadness.

"Of course. But first let's step closer to the table."

They drew in closer to both man just in time to hear the younger Albus ask a question.

"So you have not changed your mind?"

The older man leant back.

"Not in the least. I do not have time for these things, and you know it."

His melodic voice was tinged with a heavy accent, stemming from somewhere beyond Istanbul if Remus were to try and place it. But his English was flawless otherwise.

"Oh, come on. How important is your work on immortelle extract, really?"

Crossing his legs a hint of displeasure crept over the man's face.

"Very much so, and you know it. I never questioned your endeavours on dragonblood, did I?"

With a sly grin Albus leant back on the bench.

"Not to my face. I know you well, and you didn't believe it feasible either. But it worked."

The man nodded silently, his face still not approachable. Then he turned slightly, as if he had heard a sound, and looked towards the house. The younger Albus followed his gaze.

"There's the boy. Would you like a refreshment?"

Shaking his head slightly Albus smiled.

"Very much so - a glass of water and his opinion."

Grunting with displeasure the man turned around.

"An apprentice does not have an opinion, at least not in my house."

Smiling broadly the younger Albus patted the man's shoulder.

"Oh, but I'm sure this one does. And I want to hear it."

Remus noticed the Albus next to him slightly turning around, followed his example and needed a few seconds to compose himself.

Around the corner of the house, in linen pants rolled up to his knees and a rather ratty looking t-shirt, barefoot and with a bunch of freshly cut herbs in his hands wandered a much younger and shockingly alive looking Severus.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 6/1/2015

_Cheerfulness keeps up a kind of daylight in the mind and fills it with a steady and perpetual serenity. - Joseph Addison_

_Latin phrases in this chapter will be revealed in the upcoming ones. _


	18. Screwed up and brilliant

**Screwed up and brilliant  
**

In the time it took Remus to stare Severus had walked over to the table and nodded a greeting at the seated younger Albus. But he didn't have time to speak. With a shooing handmotion the other man waved him away immediately.

"Go and get yourself presentable. And bring refreshments."

To Remus surprise Severus heeded the order immediately. Turning on his heel he strolled past their spot again, showing no particular hurry, and by the time he reached the house Remus had examined him as he were a rare species whose discovery would earn Remus immortal fame.

What surprised Remus most was how healthy he looked. A few years seemed to have passed between their Hogwarts graduation and this moment in the garden, and the lanky nervous boy he had gone to school with was all but gone. Severus had been one of these children who needed more time to grow into their body and their personalities than most others, and he had always been thin and pale and sour looking.

But this young man was decidedly not pale and sour looking. It was probably the slight tan that surprised Remus most. Gone was the ghostly tone the young boy and later the man always sported, and together with the muscles visibly moving under skin it was obvious that this incarnation of Severus was used to do quite a bit of physical labour - probably gardening, taking their lush surroundings into account. The second change was his haircut, an unusual short crop that left his hair just long enough to tuck it behind his ears, a black mop that now looked quite tousled.

But Remus didn't have time to think about that further, as the two men sitting at the table had continued their conversation as soon as the younger Severus was out of hearing range.

"So, I see you've grown used to having an apprentice in the house again?"

It was only then that Remus finally understood where he was. Of course. Severus himself had told him of his apprenticeship with, well, that famous potionstmaster. Who was sitting on that bench now. What was his name again?

Whatever it was, he growled slightly and folded his arms over his chest.

"What choice did I have. But yes, he's not as useless as I thought he would be."

The younger Albus smiled and gently shook his head.

"Don't play martyr, you did have a choice. You always said you'd work with someone again if you just found a bright mind. And you can't deny he's exceptionally intelligent."

Growling again the potionsmaster stared at Albus.

"His work is appropriate, if that's what you mean. But I need to keep him busy constantly, otherwise he'll have creative ideas that I don't want to think about. I considered getting rid of him, but - well. It likes him."

With that he gestured towards the house, and Remus didn't understand a single thing. Turning to the Albus next to his side he didn't even need to raise an eyebrow to pose his question.

"The house, Remus."

That was the only explanation he got before the conversation at the table continued. It didn't help, though. The house liked Severus? Had everyone gone crazy?  
"But that is nice, Basilius, really. You'll like each other, just wait and see."

Folding his arms tighter the potionsmaster - Basilius, that was his name! - seemed to politely and silently disagree. The younger Albus just smiled.

"And he's keeping the house in good order, if I saw that correctly on my way in. Never thought he would be much of a help with these things, to be honest."

Now even Basilius didn't argue.

"Well, it's his duty to do so, as you well know. The old ways are still perfectly fine for today's apprentices, if you ask me, and I don't see why somebody should attain lodge and board for simply learning things. No, an apprentice needs to learn how to run a proper house, how to tend to the garden, how to live according to our rules and beliefs."

The younger Albus smiled brighter, and then leant towards Basilius a bit.

"And the cooking? How does that go?"

His voice was low, as if he were asking a confidential question.

"Someone has to do it, and I'm tired of it. Houseleves, I will have none of that humbug. There will be no little creature scurrying around as long as I can still walk, the Drak is already enough. I told him to learn it, he did as ordered, things are fine."

That satisfied the younger Albus, and he leant back again. Remus couldn't help but grin. So maybe there was a cookbook tucked away in Severus' private library at Hogwarts, after all.

"I was just wondering, you see, curiosity. But let's not gossip about your poor apprentice, his ears will be ringing already. Ah, and there he comes!"

Just in time the younger Severus reappeared again, this time with a tray floating perfectly balanced behind him. He had obviously changed, wearing much more formal clothing that still was light enough to be bearable in the summer heat. In perfect silence he arrived at the table, commanded the tray to slide onto it and carefully served Albus and his master with the drink in the carafe. Then he nodded to his master and had almost turned around again to leave when Basilius called him back.

"Master Dumbledore wishes to speak to you, boy. Sit."

As he was ordered Severus turned around again, betraying only with his slightly surprised facial expression that he hadn't expected this. A wave of his hand had a comfortable looking garden chair float towards the table, and he positioned it next to the bench and sat down. Crossing his long legs he stared at Albus.

"How can I be of service?"

There was only a hint of annoyance in his dark voice, just a small reminder that he didn't mean what he was saying. But his face was relaxed again.

"That remains to be seen. How do you find your new life as apprentice?"

Severus only nodded.

"Perfectly fine, thank you. I enjoy the opportunity."

It was probably the most non-descript answer a person could have given. Apparently even at that stage of his life Severus hated small-talk, something the younger Albus seemed fully aware of as well.

"I'm certainly glad to hear it. And the St. Aurelius Duel-Team can cope without you? I saw you in the arena last winter, I was impressed."

Severus nodded politely.

"Thank you. Everything is in perfect order. My second took over and will do fine."

"Who is it?" The topic of collegiate sports seemed to interest Albus.

"Natalja Pirask, an undergraduate."

But before Albus could continue Basilius groaned, his patience apparently being even less resilient than that of his apprentice.

"By the bones of dead men, Albus, get to your point. The boy doesn't have time for such idle nonsense. We all have work to do here."

Raising his hands Albus smiled, nodded and produced a small folder from inside his robes. It grew in his hands until it had reached the full size of a proper pack of paper.

"Of course, I apologise for humble conversation. Here is what I wanted to speak about, Mr. Snape."

He put the folder on the table, but when Severus moved a hand to reach out Albus own hand went down on the paper.

"Let me ask you a question first, will you?"

Shrugging Severus let his hand drop again, and Albus continued.

"Splendid. How much do you know about Lycanthropy?"

The young Severus' head shot up immediately, his face changing from relaxed annoyance to composed suspiciousness.

"Why do you want to know that?"

Albus' smile didn't falter.

"Just answer."

The lines in Severus' face didn't smooth, but he complied.

"Nothing in specific. Condition presumed to be a magical illness, transmitted by salvia and blood, usually from a bite. Those affected transform once a month, loose human capability and hunt for blood, usually human blood. Classified as beast by the Ministry when transformed, though modern law tends to stretch the definition to the affected human. Werewolf Act of Conduct from 1639. No known cure."

He rattled the sentences off as if asked in an exam, keeping his face carefully neutral. Remus felt the soft pang in his stomach he always experienced when Lycanthropy was mentioned, and with practised ease he forced the feeling down and away. No known cure, yes. But a remedy. And suddenly Remus knew why he was watching that scene.

The younger Albus nodded and smiled.

"Textbook knowledge, yes. In which grade did you learn that?"

The young Severus seemed more and more uncomfortable, but kept himself under firm control. Remus couldn't blame him. Their unfortunate meeting would have scared lesser souls to death and beyond, after all. The least he could give someone who had stood face to face with his lupine form was to squirm whenever the topic was mentioned. Or faint. Or run away screaming and never come back.

"I don't recall."

The answer was sharp and on point, leaving no open ends. But Albus simply continued smiling.

"It doesn't matter, I think. Let's move on. You said there was no cure?"

But at precisely that point Basilius had enough.

"I won't have you question my apprentice and waste all of our time with schoolboy knowledge. Get to the point."

Now Albus sighed, and patted the folder.

"Patience, Basilius. I wish you could brew it, it would make things much easier if you had a larger supply."

The young Severus had glanced from his master to Albus, and Remus almost felt how he suddenly understood where this was going.

"You want to speak about Wolfsbane."

Triumphant Albus nodded. "Yes! Very good. What do you know about Wolfsbane?"

Basilius sighed, shaking his head, and leant back in his chair, murmuring something underneath his breath in a faintly Arabic sounding language.

"It's impossible to brew. Damocles Belby was said to have done it, but he blew up his entire house and all of his notes. There was no evidence left that he really managed to do it. Thus it remains impossible, though in this case it's less about the actual process than about the fact that nobody knows the exact formula. And that is all there is to it."

Albus opened his mouth, and at that very precise moment a faint sound of a bell could be heard. Immediately Basilius sat up straight.

"My bell - how can my cauldron be ready now? I need to see to this."

With surprising speed he got up, and without another word headed towards the house. Albus watched his retreating back with a smile, slowly lifting his hand from the folder on the table. It took not even a second for the younger Severus to move a hand and send the folder flying straight at him. Without a word he opened it and quickly flipped through the few documents inside. Then he looked up, straight at the younger Albus.

"How fitting the cauldron would be ready just now."

Albus smiled back, and said nothing, forcing Severus to continue.

"What do you want from me?"

Nodding towards the folder Albus leant back.

"What do you know about Wolfsbane?"

Shrugging Severus put down the folder again.

"Nothing more than anybody, I'd presume."

Albus' gaze was fixed on him, unblinking.

"I wouldn't quite agree."

A small smile crept over the younger Severus' lips.

"It seems so. But what makes you think I'd tell you, even if there was something to tell?"

The folder slid over the table towards Albus again. Nobody had moved.

"You're looking for a potion to work on for your doctoratus work. I know you're ambitious, and you seem to have the capacity to warrant it."

Slowly the young Severus shook his head.

"Of course I have been looking. But it won't be Wolfsbane."

Now Albus was surprised.

"Why not?"

Neatly folding his long fingers over his knees Severus kept his gaze calmly fixed on Albus. Remus was surprised how quickly the general atmosphere had switched from a leisurely afternoon-chat to pure talk of business.

"There's no point to it. It doesn't draw any kind of money, scholarships, chairs, funding. It would be a career dead end, and as you so rightly said, I am ambitious indeed."

Frowning Albus tapped his long fingers on table.

"You don't need money, if I recall your finances correctly."

Immediately mistrust crept into the younger Severus' face.

"How delightful to be informed about my own financial status. I won't have to tell you that scholarships are usually not about money."

Immediately Albus realized his mistake.

"I don't pry, generally. But you father was a public figure - "

He was ruthlessly cut off.

"My father is dead, and that is the end of that."

His voice sounded strangely familiar, for the first time falling into the cold hardness Remus knew so well. For a moment nobody said anything. Albus picked up his glass and drank, a motion Remus was sure was meant to buy time. Carefully he put the glass down again.

"It would be needed."

The younger Severus said nothing, looking at the folder on the table, his face closed like a shut book. Carefully Albus tried again.

"Not everything we do has to pay off in immediate rewards, Mr. Snape. And there are many who would benefit, many who could be saved."

The young Severus snorted and looked up again.

"I do not subscribe to what you call saving people."

For a brief moment the smile on Albus' face vanished, and it seemed to Remus that he turned into the stern headmaster he had known as a student. It was obvious that he thought Severus stubborn.

"Then why did you look into it, I wonder?"

Only then it dawned on the young Severus that he had all along sat in a carefully constructed trap, and that Albus held a few cards more on his hand then he had been aware of. He still kept a remarkable control of his face, but it was obvious that he hadn't expected that move. The difference to the perfect self-control Severus would exhibit years later was astonishing. But even like this the young man recovered quickly.

"Simple curiosity. Obscure things have always fascinated me, and an impossible potion seemed too interesting to ignore. I quickly discovered that it wouldn't fit into the spectre of work I am familiar with, and thus I decided to not pursue it further - had it not been for the Hyle foundation, though, I would have - "

He realized he had said too much a little bit to late. Albus was already alert.

"Hyle based? Why?"

Now it was Severus' turn to cross his arms in front of his chest. He looked positively mad at himself.

"It would need to be, it seems the only way to guarantee the high potency needed to achieve the desired effect. There is nothing more to my research."

He wasn't the perfect liar he would be years later yet.

"Really? Nothing more?"

But even without lying he wouldn't say anything more, and it was obvious.

"That is all."

Sighing Albus shock his head again.

"The idea of saving souls really doesn't appeal to you?"

An openly distasteful look appeared on Severus face.

"As I said, I don't believe in saving people. Or in souls, for that matter."

Frustrated Albus opened his mouth again, but at this very moment Basilius reappeared from the house and quickly made his way through the garden. His speed was surprising, considering the unsteadiness of his gait. He gestured towards Albus, visibly not too fond.

"Are you trying to impress my apprentice? It won't do, Albus, it won't do. Get your own if you want your work done."

He sat down again, waving an impatient hand towards the still seated Severus.

"Don't sit around lazily, boy, get to the laboratory and do your cleaning work."

Despite his efforts to look neutral it was clear that the younger Severus wasn't at all annoyed by this order. He simply nodded, and rose from his chair.

"Of course. Master Dumbledore, I bid you farewell."

Albus nodded in his general direction, and with just enough restraint to make it look as if he wasn't rushing off Severus stalked back towards the house. As he passed their spot again Remus managed to steal another good glance, noting his facial expressions that now clearly betrayed how glad he was to have escaped Albus' assault. But Remus also saw that he seemed much more relaxed than he would have been under any circumstances later on. A longer glance revealed that he also seemed to bear hardly any of the scars that would be present so many years later. Neither the scars on his arms nor the hideous large scar around his right wrist were there. Only a few burn marks were visible, most of them looking fresh.

And there was no trace of the Dark Mark. It took a moment for Remus to process that. With a question on his tongue he turned to the rather real Albus next to him and noted the melancholy gaze in his eyes.

Then the whole scenery froze.

Surprised Remus blinked, and Albus smiled.

"Well, as I said, I didn't know where we'd end up. The first time I mentioned Wolfsbane to Severus, the opening prelude to what happened years later."

Nodding Remus opened his mouth to ask, but Albus was faster. He had apparently noticed Remus' dissecting glance.

"I know what you mean. The Dark Mark was only visible when Tom called his followers, back then. These days he's more powerful and more brutal, and it never goes away. But back then it was easy to hide. Otherwise not a single one of his followers would have gone far in the world, if you think of it."

So Severus had already been a Death Eater, probably murdering his merry way through England. Remus wasn't sure how he wanted to deal with that thought.

But he didn't really have time for it anyway. In front of his eyes the scenery suddenly blurred, and when he could see clearly again he stood in Albus' office. For a moment he thought he had lost the connection to the memory - or fallen out of the pensieve - but suddenly there was an Albus sitting behind the desk and another next to him, and then Remus realized that it was another memory, probably years later.

He turned around to find Severus pacing the space in front of Albus' gigantic fireplace, and he was very much the dark sour man Remus knew from Hogwarts, the cold Head of Slytherin, clad in billowing black academic robes. And visibly annoyed.

The Albus next to Remus grinned.

"Oh, I didn't know that this is in there as well - apparently I put the beginning next to the second beginning. It's short, if you don't mind watching it?"

Shaking his head Remus complied easily. His curiosity was running rampant, as always, thought he wasn't too sure what the headmaster meant. His confusion was cleared away quickly when Severus growled something and stopped pacing. Instead he walked over to the desk, threw himself and the large amount of black fabric he wore draped around him into one of the visitor chairs. Crossing his arms over his chest he positively glared at Albus, and his angry stare would have sent lesser spirits in panicked run for cover. But the headmaster only smiled.

"Isn't it lovely that I can now simply order you to do it?"

Severus seemed short of simply lynching him.

"Doesn't your humanitarian exterior prevent you from doing such things? Keeping up appearances? Trying to look like the good one in this game?"

Albus clicked his tongue.

"Tut, Severus, really. You act as if I ordered you to kill someone. All I did was recommend you brew a potion that will help us protect a man we're in need of."

But it didn't help at all.

"You recommended, as you put it, that I brew an impossible potion that by all laws of my profession isn't supposed to exist. As far as I'm concerned my job description had something in it with teacher and Head of House, not risking my skin for your idiotic causes."

Albus positively grinned like a shark.

"It also doesn't list spy, professional liar and interrogator, yet you do all these things. You're doing the impossible already, just do it once more."

Groaning Severus slumped back in his chair, rubbing his forehead.

"And why, exactly?"

Carefully Albus put his palms on his desk. Next to them Remus recognized a folder he had seen before, seconds that were actually multiple years ago.  
"Because we will need Remus Lupin for the order, and you know it. We can't afford to loose anyone."

Severus wasn't convinced in the slightest.

"Don't be ridiculous. We're talking about your sentimental Gryffndor tendencies here, and nothing more. Potter is dead, Black in Azkaban for a murder he didn't commit, and Pettigrew solidly on the side of the Dark Lord. All you want is to save the last one, the lost son, one more soul for your collection of broken pieces. And more: at least one of your golden boys has to do his job properly."

Somehow that train of thought had never occurred to Remus, and he turned to the Albus next to him, who looked not even remotely guilty and simply gestured towards his slightly younger self.

"You're not right, not completely. I want to save him for what he his - he has potential. We need a man with his courage and good heart."

Severus continued to rub his temples, as if he had a severe headache he couldn't chase away.

"Fine, be sentimental. But how do you gather I'll invent an impossible potion now? It would have taken at least years and years of research and testing."

Mercilessly Albus smiled on.

"You've got one. Maybe a bit more. Then we'll need it."

Stunned Severus dropped his hands.

"One year? Have you lost your mind? One bloody year? While teaching, stopping my students from getting killed and keeping my little sideline of Dark magic up and running?"

He almost yelled, then stopped himself and continued to rub his temples. Remus could practically see him think. But he also saw how the younger Albus enjoyed the situation.

"Well, yes, why not? If you think I want one of my golden boys, as you put it, to do their job it shouldn't come as a surprise to you that I want all of them to do their jobs."

Severus winced as if he had a toothache at being called one of Albus' golden boys, a name that in his mind seemed resolutely coined on Gryffindors only. Albus continued without caring.

"Whatever his job will be, yours is to make it possible. During your master exam Nicholas Flamel said you were brilliant, but rather screwed up. He was right on the latter instance for sure. Prove the first one to me. I'll facilitate your work whenever I can, but you're well aware of my limited time."

There was something rather unrelenting in the small speech, and the Severus in the chair kept on shaking his head, still pulling a face. Then he sank even deeper into his chair.

"Spare yourself the time, flattery won't help. I'm well aware of my capacity and its very limits, thank you very much."

Albus nodded gravely.

"Well, you usually react positively to flattery. Consider it a challenge. You're bored to death here."

It was a statement Severus didn't deny. Still he didn't look too happy. Then he sighed, closed his eyes for a moment and finally pulled himself rather ungracefully up from his chair to his full height. Folding his arms he stared directly at Albus.

"I'll need time for research."

Albus nodded.

"I can take over some of your classes. I haven't taught Potions in a while, it will be a good change."

Tapping his fingers on the back of the chair he sat on just seconds ago Severus nodded.

"A laboratory. A safe one, where accidents can happen."

Now obviously satisfied with the direction their conversation took Albus nodded again.

"Use my house. Keys will be provided soon."

The tapping of Severus fingers on the chair intensified.

"My final condition is uttermost secrecy. Not even the order can be privy to the work, and especially not Lupin himself. The Dark Lord has always tried to lure the Werewolves in, and the potion would be helpful for his endeavour. It must remain hidden that you intend to use it if I want to rebuild and retain my cover, and, as lachrymose it sounds, stay alive."

His voice had a tone of urgency that made clear that he very much meant what he said. Albus, now looking serious, agreed.

"Of course. I will personally guarantee this to you."

Once more Severus rubbed his temples, then sighed and made moves to leave.

"I will see what I can do. But don't blame me for any classes that will be cancelled because I accidentally blew something up. Or myself. Or the bloody entire castle."  
Obviously working hard to keep his face stern Albus nodded.

"Duly noted. And now get to work."

Growling something underneath his breath Severus turned around on his heel, and in a wave of billowing black fabric stalked over to the door. It opened noiselessly, but fell shut with a lot more force then necessary.

Next to Remus the proper Albus smiled broadly.

"You know how he can be. He came around eventually, but it took time. Developing a potion isn't a job to be taken easy, and the Wolfsbane project was a lot of work. But now - let's take a look at the one memory Severus actually gave me himself."

Everything blurred again, and suddenly they stood in the very lab in Hogwarts Remus had been working in for the past weeks. It was a bright day, the sun was shining outside, and the lab was obviously prepared for work. Through the windows Remus saw the tree tops of the Forbidden Forest covered in a white blanket of snow, and the light inside the laboratory was besides its strength cold.

Severus stood in front of one of the working tables, dressed in an unusual tidy looking lab robe, calmly working with a large knife. A pile of Aconitum tubers lay in front of him, already meticulously peeled, and he was in the process of cutting them into razor-thin slices with astonishing precision. He worked with calm determination, not looking up once.

It had been strange to see him like this earlier on, but the distance between the events and their current present had soothed the feeling of strangeness. But now Remus felt like an intruder for the first time - maybe because he had spent time in this very lab and it felt familiar to be here with a Severus he knew was unconscious not far away from the lab in the Hospital Wing.

He turned to Albus to voice his feelings, but Albus stared straight ahead and in his face Remus could read a similar train of thought. Silently he turned back again and continued to watch the process of brewing Wolfsbane. He observed the preparation of ingredients, cutting techniques he was familiar with, vials he had never seen before and then finally how Severus lit the fire under the first of two cauldrons sitting on the desk without as much as a wave of his hand.

And then suddenly Remus felt as if he had blinked too slowly - how was that even possible? - and the scenery had changed. Instead of one cauldron there were two, both filled with a liquid substance and being stirred by two spoons turning in exactly measured circles inside the concoction.

"Don't be surprised, I sped the process up. It would take too long, and I need to review it once more anyway. Now I want to focus on one of the most crucial stages that have me worrying a bit."

Albus' slightly concerned voice made Remus focus more intensely on the situation before him. Two cauldrons were on sturdy tripods over strong fires, bubbling intensely. A third tripod, much larger, was in the middle between both smaller cauldrons, and Severus had just lit another fire and produced a much larger cauldron. From a large vial he counted an exact number of drops of clear liquid into the cauldron and proceeded to turn the vessel around, so that its insides would be coated with the liquid. Albus next to Remus commented helpfully.

"Nihilio. The cauldron will go onto the fire and needs to be heated up quickly. Without the Nihilio as buffer element the metal could explode, and flying cauldron pieces are sharp as shrapnel. But you've noticed the scars on Severus already, so you know."

Of course Remus had. They were difficult to overlook once the illusion charm had fallen. But somehow he hadn't completely thought this through, and flying pieces of hot metal suddenly didn't sound very tempting.

"And does that happen often? Has somebody killed themselves yet?"

Severus, in the meantime, put the third cauldron on the fire and watched it closely.

"There are a lot of accidents, for sure. I remember a tragic occurrence in Cambridge a few decades ago. Ask Severus, he knows such things. Or Andreas Libavius, he was famous for his accidents in his first years at St. Aurelius. There's a story about a grey substance that exploded and ate through the walls, hilarious and absolutely dangerous. If I remember correctly it was a drunken project of both of them. It got at least Libavius nearly expelled. I still remember his tearful apology to the board of St. Aurelius."

Somehow Remus could imagine that. And hadn't Severus himself admitted to rather insane experiments in their first years? He'd have to ask, one day. But for now the memory provided more than enough spectacle to keep Remus concentrated.

Severus had taken a glass jar from the table filled with another clear liquid that, if Remus was correct, was the Hyle in the appropriate stage. At the same moment the Nihilio in the large cauldron started to sizzle, and the metal turned a frightening shade of soft orange indicating the amount of heat it had already absorbed. Without any visible impulse the fire underneath the two smaller cauldrons died. With a precise but bold movement Severus tipped the Hyle into the heated cauldron, and at the same time dissolved the spell that kept the substance from reacting. The Hyle hit the hot metal with a high wheezing sound that made Remus wince, and immediately reacted to the heat and material of the cauldron. Smoke started to rise to the ceiling

It was already more than obvious why a working potionsmaster needed to perform wandless magic, but if Remus had needed one final reminder he got it. As if guided by an invisible hand the two smaller cauldrons simultaneously lifted themselves from their tripods, hovered in mid air above the larger cauldron and stopped there. Remus was impressed. To control the fire underneath the larger cauldron, carefully observe the sizzling Hyle and control both cauldrons without blinking required a fair share of control and magical ability. Of course there was no space for wand waving, as Severus called it. There wasn't even space to think, if Remus guessed correctly.

Only then he realized that Albus was counting the seconds next to him.

"Fourtysix, fourtyseven, fourtyeight - "

But nothing happened. The Hyle continued to boil and sizzle, but the heat underneath the large cauldron was so massive that the metal slowly turned into an angry red shade. The smoke grew thicker, and Remus was for once glad that memories did not transmit smell or heat. He had no idea how Severus could remain perfectly calm staring straight at a cauldron that looked as if it would explode any second.

" - fiftyfour, fiftyfive - now."

And at that exact moment both of the smaller cauldrons tipped over, emptying their content into the almost burning larger cauldron. The already cooled liquids hit the hot metal with a loud high pitched sound, mixed with Hyle and produced a thick smoke so dense that Remus for a moment couldn't see a thing. But he could imagine the heat, and from the density of the smoke it was obvious that it wasn't quite amusing to stand within it for longer.

But the ventilation in the lab worked perfectly, and not even a minute later the smoke was gone. It revealed the peacefully bubbling large cauldron, the potion the exact correct colour of Wolfesbane. Severus stood in front of the cauldron, looking about as excited as if he were simply cooking pea soup for that day's dinner.  
Albus exhaled and nodded.

"That, Remus, is going to be our problem. The timing has to be absolutely perfect, there is no margin for error here. All liquids need to have the exact perfect temperature, the big cauldron can't be too hot nor too cool, and the combination - you probably didn't notice it, but both liquids need to mix in the air while the cauldrons tip over, so they combine while falling down, cooling on their way, and hitting the Hyle being already one mixture. One mistake and, well, flying hot metal. It will blow up."

Staring at the apparently completely unfazed Severus Remus wasn't too sure if he really was capable of doing that.

"Did that ever happen? During the testing stages?"

Albus shrugged.

"Well, he said he went through a few cauldrons, but at this moment - no. He'd be dead, especially since I know he trusts in his skill and never works with security measures you theoretically could implant. But then Hyle doesn't take well to magical potencies in its environment so I'm not sure if at that stage of the process any other spells could be added to the room anyways."

That wasn't quite what Remus had wanted to hear.

"You see, I don't intend to kill myself with that."

Albus smiled. "Splendid! Me neither."

Than Remus had the feeling of blinking too slow once more, and the scenery changed.

"Let's watch the process of testing."

Apparently it was a different day, but in the same laboratory and with the large cauldron on the working table. The sun outside the window was all but gone, and Severus wore what looked like his formal teaching attire minus the billowing overcloaks.

"The potion sat cooling for a day, and now needs to be examined. I want to see what reaction exactly is necessary."

Carefully Severus took a wooden ladle and transferred a small amount of the potion into each of three waiting glass jars. Two vials were next to the cauldron on the table. Out of the first one three drops of a green liquid went into the first jar, and with a soft whizzing sound the potion turned bright red. Satisfied Severus returned the jar to the table and the cork to the vial. The next vial contained a deep red liquid that looked strangely like blood. Three drops went into the second jar, and with a sudden bang a small amount of black smoke drifted to the ceiling.

"Looked like blood."

To Remus' surprise Albus nodded.

"It is. Your blood, to be exact. You remember giving Poppy a rather large sample just before you started here?"

Remus did remember. He also remembered that he had never asked for an explanation. He was used to being poked and prodded by now, after spending many years as a child in hospitals, always with his mother who was so desperate to find help for him. But with all of the specialists they saw none ever could provide the help she was looking for. Who would have thought that this last sample had led to something, after all? It wasn't quite a cure, but enough of a saving grace to turn Remus' complete life upside down. For the better.

But while Remus was thinking Severus performed the last test. Producing a small silver ball from his pocket he took a step back, and dropped it into the liquid. Immediately he hastened a few more steps back, not wasting seconds. The potion started to bubble and hiss, and to Remus surprise and delight the silver ball came suddenly flying out of the glass jar as if the potion had spit it out. It flew high, hit the ceiling and then fell to the floor where it bounced a few times and then rolled under the desk. Severus made a motion to catch it, but he was far too slow. Sighing he held his open hand in the rough direction where the ball had vanished and it came obediently flying into his palm. It went directly back into his the pocket of his waistcoat.

Now clearly content with everything Severus walked back to the table, and started to fill the potion into the prepared vials. Remus turned around and tried to comment on the use of silver, but before he opened his mouth he suddenly became aware of the fact that the tip of his nose felt cold. And wet. And that his back and neck were bent in a rather unorthopaedic shape, and felt rather sore.

With a jolt he sat up and blinked rapidly. He was in Albus' office once more, and the pain in his neck and back was enough to ensure him that this was indeed reality. 

* * *

(c) Fayet - 11/1/2015 - revised 27/2/2016

_The Werewolf Act of Conduct is from 1637, not from 1639. But I guess that Severus is allowed to forget things sometimes.. _


	19. Waiting for everything to go wrong

**Waiting for everything to go wrong**

Rubbing his sore neck Remus sat up straighter and carefully stretched his legs. Next to his chair Albus did mostly the same, sitting in an extra chair he had pulled up from next to the desk. It didn't take long for both to stand up and walk a few steps, and just minutes later they were seated again in their regular positions - Albus behind the desk, Remus in a visitor's chair before. The very same chair he had just seen in one of the memories, occupied by the very annoyed Severus. They had spent much more time in the memory than Remus had imagined, and outside the windows the sun was all but gone.

It was a strange thing to see things, rooms and people in the Pensieve. Time seemed to flow differently inside the swirling fog, that much was for sure. Yawning Remus realized his tiredness.

"It's a strange thing, a Pensieve."

Albus nodded, and without any announcement a sudden houseelf appeared inside the room. He took Albus' order for tea and sandwiches and was gone again immediately, reminding Remus slightly of the strong dislike the potionsmaster Basilius had shown for the creatures.

"Yes, Remus, it is. And a dangerous thing. We look at people that are long dead sometimes, and in our memories they are alive and well. It is tempting to stay, to never return to a reality much harsher than we think we can bear. Such is the nature of people, I believe. But the Pensive isn't a wildly known object, and it's use has all been forgotten by most. It's better if it remains that way."

Nodding Remus stretched his legs and crossed them at the ankles.

"I can imagine. How does it work, giving up a memory? You said the last one we saw came from Severus."

The houseelf reappeared, loaded with a tray that he handed over to Albus. Then the helpful creature was gone again, and Albus started to arrange the tea set and pushed the plate with sandwiches in Remus' general direction while keeping the smaller selection of biscuits next to the teapot.

"Take one, it's been a long day, and we've got many more of them to come."

Grateful Remus reached over and picked a sandwich with cream cheese and cucumber.

"It's not difficult, distilling memories, but it takes a fair share of concentration. Most wizards that are able to perform Legilimency can do it. But unlike Legilimency, which can easily be used as a weapon, giving up memories can only ever be a voluntary act."

Picking up the tea cup Remus listened.

"And how many wizards have a Pensieve?"

Albus' hand hovered over the plate, apparently undecided whether to take a cucumber sandwich or a tuna one.

"Oh, not many. They are very rare. Personally I only know two wizards who own one."

Finally deciding he picked up a tuna sandwich and after looking at it for a moment took a bite he obviously enjoyed.

"Does Severus have one?"

Still chewing Albus shock his head.

"None in his possession. He uses mine, though. I recommended it to him, seeing as he's dealing with things that are easier stored outside the mind long-term. But in the end it's not a solution forever. We all have to deal with what we do. Transferring our sins to vials won't help us in the end."

Done with his tuna sandwich he picked up a cucumber one while Remus filled his tea cup once more. It seemed tempting, simply pouring one's wrongdoings into bottles and shelf them somewhere. It would certainly help, but then - he'd still have them on his mind, somewhere. And wouldn't the bottles on the shelf be eternal reminders of what he had done?

"I think it would help to not commit sins in the first place. But then we don't always have a choice, I guess."

He thought of all the things he had done involuntarily, being a wolf, a raging monster filled with bloodlust and the need to hunt, to track down, to kill. He shuddered, and concentrated on his Earl Grey.

"What a wise thing to say, Remus."

Remus felt slightly embarrassed at the compliment. Being wise wasn't quite on his list of things he wanted to be. He'd rather leave that to Albus. Smiling he put down the cup again.

"Not really. But that aside - I do have a few questions. Do you mind if I ask?"

Shaking his head Albus picked up another sandwich, inducing Remus to secure the last one on his own plate.

"Great. Did I understand correctly that you basically ordered Severus to brew Wolfsbane? What made you think it would work?"

Holding up a hand until he had finished the sandwich Albus finally shock the last crumbs out of his beard and picked up his own tea cup.

"I thought you would ask some day. Well. I have to admit that it was a thing I've had in the back of mind for a very long time. But healing potions aren't my field of expertise. I thought about the potion again for strategic reasons at first. When I made some inquiries I realized that someone had been there before, and it didn't take me long to realise who it was."

He refilled his cup carefully and did the same to Remus'.

"You see, some potions always bring up questions. Wolfsbane is a political problem, next to being terribly difficult from an alchemists' point of view. At that time I was already remotely sure that Severus was working for Riddle, and I had to know whether he was trying to brew it or not. And if yes, if it was is own idea or if Tom had ordered him to do so. After my visit with Basilius I knew that he wasn't going to pursue the potion further for the time being, but I also knew that he had the idea on his mind. And I know a thing or two about Severus' mind. He strives on challenge, and the Wolfsbane was a proper one. But the incident with the Wolfsbane also taught me that maybe Severus wasn't the mindless agent for the darkness I thought he would be - that he had an own agenda and was more than willing to operate beyond what the Death Eaters considered their goal. And that he might actually be smart or stupid enough to try and outwit Tom, if it came to be necessary. I didn't know, though, how important this would be later on."

Remus nodded, and picked one of the ginger biscuits from the small plate.

"How did you know that Severus worked for Voldemort? Was it that obvious?"

For an instant Albus just looked at Remus calmly, obviously thinking through his answer. Finally he carefully rearranged his cup in his saucer and after glancing at the biscuit plate decided on a piece of shortbread.

"Have you ever met Severus' father?"

Remus hadn't. He couldn't even remember seeing anybody remotely qualifying as Severus' family. Combing through his memories carefully he thought back about their graduation day. It was the only day that a students' parents came to Hogwarts, and nothing was stranger than seeing one's friends with a family that had been absent from the picture for the past seven years. He remembered James' cheerful mother, and Sirius' intimidating father. But for most others there was no image in his mind. So he shock his head.

"It would have surprised me if you had. He was a distant man, very cold, formal and dismal. People say he was cruel - I personally cannot vouch for that, as I never really met him on a personal base. Persistent rumour had it that he was one of the first followers Tom ever had, together with a small circle of Pureblood fetishists. What I do know is that he died under mysterious circumstances. The official story was that it was an accident. In reality he was killed in a fight by Aurors. It had been a trap - somebody had tipped the Ministry off on Death Eater activities. He was the first prominent Death Eater to die for the cause, though of course everything was kept very much under cover."

From the way Albus looked at Remus it seemed that he somehow wanted to tell something else - another story hidden beneath the first one. But Remus couldn't grasp the loose end to unravel it.

"Who gave the Ministry the tip? Were there spys amongst Voldemort's ranks even at that time?"

Shrugging Albus leant back.

"Nobody knows. It was all kept under tight wraps. Apparently it was an anonymous person who had unusual insider knowledge. A rouge Death Eater. Someone in Tom's ranks who didn't agree."

For a moment he looked pensive.

"I asked Severus, once, and he said he didn't know."

The layers of meaning were multiple, and the made Remus head swim. But he pushed aside the questions, and busied himself with his teacup once more. The moment gone Albus smiled again.

"But that is the past, and we should let it rest in the Pensive. Let's look ahead and focus on the task at hand. I will study the notebooks on Wolfesbane tonight, and then we will discuss them tomorrow. If I remember correctly we need to brew the day after tomorrow. Then the potion has another day to cool, and you can take it just in time for the full moon. If we are successful, that is."

The tight schedule made Remus take a deep breath, and immediately all thoughts on any hypothetical dead fathers vanished from his thoughts. Albus brushed the crumbs off his fingers and reached over for the notebooks he still kept on his desk. Picking up the smallest one he flipped through it.

"Do you think we really have a chance?"

With the memory freshly impressed on his mind Remus wasn't too sure. It had looked complicated, after all. But Albus patted the small notebook lovingly.

"With that and the memory, yes. Don't forget we're two wizards to do the work, and four eyes see a lot more than two. I will study the notebooks closely tonight, but with this - " he tapped the page again - "our chances are high."

Remus leaned forward to have a better look at the notebook.

"It's almost like a printed manual, yes."

A sad smile ghosted over Albus' face.

"It is. This book is what we call a full working formula. It's the classical type of writing used to describe a potion, to make sure it can be reproduced by any trained master, but also to officially declare it as ones' own. They take month to write, if done correctly, and there's only one reason to write them: if one invented a potion and wants to claim it, and to apply for a chair at a college."

Immediately the golden sandstone of St. Aurelius rose in front of Remus' mental eye, and he understood exactly what Albus meant.

"So if Severus could do it - all he needed to do would be to send in the book? Would he have a chance?"

Amusement crept into Albus' face.

"Oh yes, of course. They'd bow and kiss his hand, I imagine. And he's got more than enough teaching experience by now."

But he grew more serious immediately.

"But you forget to add that he could only do that if Tom were gone and if your cover would no longer be necessary. Like this, now, in this time and age, it will not happen."

Remus felt instantly guilty, and Albus saw it.

"No, don't even think of it. The potion was developed to benefit you, not to further Severus' career - if he had one, that is. And the fact that he doesn't is very much his own fault. He dug his own grave, with ferocity and dedication, and now he has do think about what he could do with a hole six foot deep and long enough to fit a tall man."

There was truth in Albus' words, but his tone left a bitter taste in Remus' mouth. He didn't feel it right to claim the Wolfsbane as his own. It wasn't, not in his mind, and he didn't see why Severus shouldn't profit from his work. But apparently Albus had made a decision, blaming Severus entirely for his own shortcomings. And of course Remus agreed, somehow, but where was all that talk about second chances now?

Albus realised that Remus was about to be lost in his thoughts and did his best to call him back into reality.

"Don't worry about these things, Remus, and especially don't worry about Severus. He's always found a way out of his own grave until now."

Then he pushed the notebook into Remus' general direction, and together they went over the formula and decided on sharing tasks for the next day. Albus was to review the memory once more, and identify other perilous moments with the help of the Pensieve and the third notebook. Then he would check on the ingredients and, with Remus' help, prepare the lab. Remus was supposed to function as his assistant, and in the process had to cut and prepare ingredients. To be able to that properly he had to review everything he had learnt so far. Beyond that he was tasked with reading the second book, the one with literature excerpts, and try to see if there was anything that could benefit them. The first book was also to go into his care, although both agreed that it wouldn't be useful to their endeavour.

With this decided Remus drank a final cup of tea and took his leave.

There was nothing to do now but to make sure he would be able to perform his job properly, and to show that he had indeed learnt something. Following this logic he returned to his desk, and hours later fell asleep bent over the half-destroyed book Severus had given him weeks ago, at the beginning of something that had now taken a turn in a direction nobody could have ever foreseen.

The next day came sooner than Remus felt it necessary. After having woken long past midnight with a terribly sore neck he had managed to manoeuvre his half-asleep body into his bed. But with the first sunlight he was up again, showered quickly, and returned to his books.

By noon they stopped making sense and he moved to the table in the orchard. Lunch had been a scattered thing, with various groups appearing and eating before leaving again to their tasks. Sirius strolled by the table long after Remus' plate had been taken away by an houseelf, sat down and enjoyed a rather large serving of pasta. Working all day with Hagrid did him good. The soft tan he already had was more intense, and even with the chaos that was his hair and the sweat in his work clothes he looked alive and contend.

With a fork filled with farafalle and zucchini he gestured into the general direction of Remus' opened book.

"Told you you'd be successful, right?"

Nodding Remus turned a page and marked a specific cutting instruction with pencil.

"Yes, but it took a bit. And he was right, it's a hideously difficult thing."

The fork vanished into Sirius' mouth. Chewing he inched closer to Remus and looked over his shoulders.

"What's that?"

His free finger tapped on the page, and before he knew what had happened Remus launched into a proper lecture on the correct chopping of certain roots. But Sirius had a plate of pasta to demolish and didn't interrupt. He patiently waited until Remus had said everything he knew, and then nodded.

"So you did learn something, after all. How can you even remember all of that?"

Surprised Remus looked up, just in time to see Sirius push his empty plate away.

"What do you mean? I learnt it, I just know it now."

Grinning Sirius got up and collected the carafe with fresh lemonade from the other end of the table where Minerva had left it. A cooling spell kept the liquid in just the right temperature, and a lazy wave of Sirius' wand added more ice to his glass.

"And what makes you think you can't do it tomorrow? Because I practically see the doubt in your face, don't even try to deny it."

Sighing Remus tapped on the book again, and then gestured towards the first two notebooks, which he had brought down to the table with him.

"Well, have a look at that and you know what I mean."

WIthout hesitating Sirius reached out and got hold of the first notebook. He pulled it towards him, and flipped it open. With hidden glee Remus watched him, expecting to see confusion in his face very soon.

But it didn't happen. Flipping through the pages Sirius seemed to read a line here and another there, and when he finally closed the book he simply shrugged.

"I don't even think the process is so complicated. This book is simply chaotic, and not really helpful. What makes you think you can't do it? Because you can't understand this mess of a thought collection? There's nothing in there you will need, I'd say."

Remus needed a moment to rearrange his jaw to prevent him from staring at Sirius with a very unflattering open mouth.

"Are telling me you understand this book? Can you read that?"

He flipped the book open himself to check whether Severus' ghastly handwriting had turned into something more easier to read. But it hadn't. On the pages everything still looked the same, resembling the outcome of two crows fighting over a quill.

"Well, it's not that difficult. I don't understand all those abbreviations and half of the languages, of course, but the writing isn't even that bad."

Looking up Remus tried to suss out whether Sirius was mocking him. But he seemed honest.

"You can read that? How is that - I mean, I don't get a word."

Sirius' facial expression clearly betrayed that he thought Remus a bit feeble minded at this point. Pulling the book back to him he opened it somewhere, and started to read aloud. Remus listened, fascinated. It seemed genuine, especially when Sirius arrived at a certain stage of the experiment he had hardly enough knowledge to make up.

Triumphant over his proof of skill he pushed the notebook back towards Remus.

"Really, Moony, you look at me as if I had two heads. It's not that bad. Remigius' handwriting was much worse."

Gulping down whatever he had intended to say Remus immediately enlisted Sirius' help for the evening. The contract was sealed, Sirius hurried off to work a few more hours with Hagrid, and Remus returned to his books.

Evening fell much sooner than Remus had anticipated. The work on the Wolfsbane took it's toll, and he was exhausted by the time Sirius returned from the forest. Dinner passed quickly, and afterwards Albus kept Remus back for a quick discussion on his findings in the laboratory. In the end they agreed to meet the next morning in Severus' private lab to undertake their experiment.

Finally Sirius and Remus turned Remus' own living room into their working space, and with Sirius' help Remus deciphered more paragraphs in the notebook and took notes.

It was almost midnight when they were done. With an exhausted yawn Sirius closed the notebook and let it drop onto the sofa next to him. Taking a sip from his wine glass he looked at Remus.

"I think you can do it."

Frustrated Remus pushed his own notebooks away and stretched his legs.

"I'm not sure. It is complicated, and what we saw in the memory was downright frightening. The hovering cauldrons, the perfect timing. There's just so much that can go wrong."

Putting down his now empty glass Sirius shrugged.

"There's always so much that can go wrong. You won't know if you don't try."

Now it was Remus turn to yawn, and he had to be careful to not dislocate his jaw.

"Why don't you put that on a fridge magnet? I know, of course. But that doesn't make it less scary. And I can't even perform wandless magic."

That particular thought had been boiling inside him for days now. He had practised, quite a bit, but nothing had come out of it. After seeing the memory and the way wandless magic was indispensable to what they were going to undertake - it didn't help with Remus' feelings of being inadequate to the task. Albus easily performed wandless magic, of course, and they had agreed that he would do most things that required it. But still it gnawed on Remus mind. And his pride.

"Well, I can't either, if that helps. Not that I care. I don't know anyone who uses it. Beyond Minerva and Albus. Poppy doesn't."

Nor did Pomona Sprout, at least not with the easy flourish with which Minerva commanded over her powers.

"Severus does."

But even that didn't faze Sirius.

"He also kisses His-who-is-a-cockmuppet's boots, and I don't want to do that either."

It was the classical argument, and of course Remus knew. But it didn't help with his fear.

Yawning again, this time long and with a satisfactory stretch of his jaw Sirius pulled himself upright from the sofa.

"I'm off to bed, it's been a long day. Work with Hagrid always gets to you in the end. A free workout! Anyways, best of luck for tomorrow. Sleep well!"

Pulling a face Remus remained seated.

"I won't sleep a wink, I feel miserable already."

Stretching his neck muscles Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Than you'll have enough time to write a good will and leave everything to your dog. At least somebody will benefit from the whole scenario this way."

Then he hurried to hide from the pillow Remus' threw in his general direction, and left the room just in time to avoid the book that followed the soft projectile. With a crash the small notebook hit the wall and fell to the ground.

Sighing Remus got up and collected the innocent hardcover from the carpet. It hadn't been the books' fault, after all. Nor Sirius', if he was honest. But who liked to blame himself?

Standing in the middle of his room he realized that he was tired, but not very likely to find sleep. Wandering the castle for a few more minutes seemed like the obvious solution. Visiting the Hospital Wing the second best. The private room was empty besides the one bed and a circle of light falling from the reading lamp Poppy used. Apparently she hadn't given up her vigil.

Stepping closer to the bed Remus took his time to examine the rooms sole occupant. But nothing had changed. Severus remained unmoving and silent, his unguarded face and closed eyes betraying nothing of what might be going on in his mind. The Healing Sleep was still in full force, and only the regular rise and fall of his chest betrayed that he was alive at all.

Rubbing his own forehead Remus looked down at him. How did he do it, all that alchemy? How did one invent a potion so complicated that hardly anybody understood it? What twists and turns of the mind allowed for such an idea to be conceived, to grow and become, finally, a fully formulated object? And how could one do it while hiding, while keeping these thoughts to oneself, telling nobody?

How did one deceive half the wizarding world?

"So, really, how the hell did you do that?"

His own voice seemed loud in the entirely silent room. It felt strange to utter his thoughts out loud, but then Severus was unlikely to answer. Or to tell anyone what Remus had said. And wasn't talking supposed to be useful in the healing process?

"How did you come up with that horrible potion? Was that all your ego and Albus' order?"

Entangled in his own thoughts Remus started to pace the room, and the strange feeling of talking to the walls vanished slowly, with every sentence.

"You'd kick us if you were awake, right? Oh yes, you would. Or hex us straight to the next acceptable planet. Like Pluto. Which isn't even a planet anymore, and thus probably - whatever."

Crossing his arms in front of his chest Remus continued his pacing.

"So, really, how do you do it? Every single month? I couldn't. It looks draining, just from watching. I don't know if we can do it tomorrow, if I'm honest. And it's two of us."

He swung around, moving with more momentum.

"But then I have to say - it did look impressive. Having the cauldrons hoover there, and keeping the fire just right, and than that damned bloody heated large cauldron. And then everything just comes together, just perfectly - this one moment, and then everything is in that thick smoke that probably is hot and almost painful on the skin and the room is gone but then, suddenly, the smoke is gone, and bang! It's just perfect."

Now he had to use his hands to supplement his narrative, moving them to describe the hovering cauldrons and the rising smoke.

"But the hot cauldron, Merlin, that scares me. It's almost exploding, almost, just on the brink of a catastrophe. And you have to look at it and stare, and it's there, and if it explodes it will do so right into your face. Rip the whole lab apart, probably. Flying metal everywhere, like a bomb."

The vision of the horror flooded Remus' mind for a second, and he let his hands drop.

"What's that like, standing on the brink of catastrophe and waiting for everything to go wrong? Aren't you afraid or something?"

He turned to look a the bed, the question in the room, silently. But his dialogue partner remained silent. Remus continued his pacing.

"No, of course not, never. Why would you? Learnt all that shit, didn't you? Probably blew up half a training lab at your pretty college. But I, I didn't, and what if I blow us up just like that?"

He snapped his fingers to underline his point, and saw the small spark erupting from his fingers die away in the darkness of the room. Confused he stared at his own fingers, still feeling the energy from his pacing and the fear in his stomach rush through his body. He felt heat rising.

"What - what in the name of the bloody full moon - "

He snapped again, and the same spark vanished into the room. Holding his breath he tried it again, and the spark glowed for a moment longer. He closed his eyes, opened them again, and finally thought the incantation clearly in his head.

The small flame over his thumb was steady, hovering only slightly in the night breeze coming from the window.

Remus stared at if as if he were one of the first humans and he had just met Prometheus.

He moved, and the flame was gone. Snapping his fingers again it reappeared. He tried it five more times and it worked without exception.

Frantically he stared at his thumb and finally looked at the bed.

"By all - I did it! It works, it - "

He was interrupted by the light flooding into the room through the opened door.

"Remus? What are you doing? Oh, no, smoking is not allowed in the Hospital Wing! Shame on you, did you pick that habit up when you worked with Severus?"

She marched into the room and cast a stern look at the general direction of Remus' thumb.

"No, of course not, I mean - sorry. I wasn't smoking, but - Poppy, do you see that?"

He waved his hand in her direction, but she simply nodded and smiled the soft smile she kept reserved for anxious sick students.

"Lovely, my dear."

She sounded exactly like his mother after he had turned six and finally learnt to play Twinkle, twinkle little star on his recorder, which he then performed day in and day out, tyrannizing his entire family for weeks.

"No, really, look! I couldn't do that until now!"

She smiled again, nodded vaguely into his direction and waved her wand over Severus to take readings.

"Yes, Remus, well done. But Albus told me about your experiment tomorrow, and I think you should go to bed. I'll sit with Severus tonight, it's fine."

Disappointed Remus dropped his hand, causing the small flame to die away. Then he nodded.

"Of course, I'll leave. Thank you, Poppy."

She nodded again, and took her seat in the comfortable armchair. Remus wasn't out of the door when she called a good night in his direction.

"Sleep well, and don't blow up the castle tomorrow."

Opening the door he grinned back.

"I have no intention whatsoever to do that. Good night!"

Then he left, and it was only due to his extraordinary sense of hearing that he picked up on her sinking back into the chair, probably glaring at the sleeping Severus and muttering to herself.

"I swear, I will wake you up sooner if I find a way. They all go crazy here without you."

Then Remus was out of the Hospital Wing and marched down the corridor. On his way his snapped his fingers again and again, and the small flame vanished and reappeared if he only concentrated properly. His fingers tingled from the magic finding new ways though his veins. The shadows on the walls of the corridors he passed through danced in choreography with his fast paced walk.

Only a small part of him wondered when exactly he had fallen prey to delusions of grandeur. But it was silenced very soon by the part that finally knew something about wandless magic, enjoyed the new flow of power and felt very, very good.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 18/1/2015


	20. If you can't stand the heat

**If you can't stand the heat (you're not competition)**

When Remus marched into the laboratory the next morning at nine o'clock sharp everything was already prepared. Two work benches were set up in the middle of the room, equipped with the necessary ingredients and tools to prepare them. Severus' desk was covered with writing material and pens, and in the middle of it the third notebook was opened on the page displaying the formula. Outside the sun shone bright, lightning up the whole room. It wasn't warm yet, but it would be soon.

Just as Remus dropped his own books on the desk Albus entered the room from the door leading to the storage chamber. He carried a glass jar with an amber coloured liquid, and he was obviously in working mood. His beard and long hair was braided and tied back, and his usual lavish robes were replaced by a lab coat hardly different from the one Remus wore - hadn't it been for the colour. Remus had never seen a bright purple lab coat before, but then Albus' taste in clothing had always been on the more extravagant side.

"Good morning, Remus. Perfectly on time, bravo. I took the liberty to prepare the lab before you came. Every potionmaster has his or her own storage system, and it would have been difficult to explain everything to you. Like this everything is tidy and we have one issue less over which we have to fear Severus' wrath."

That sounded plausible in Remus' ears.

"Good morning. But we will have to fear it?"

Albus arranged the jar with the others on the working bench devoted to the preparation of liquids.

"Oh yes, definitely. Nobody is amused when their lab is hijacked, and Severus is especially difficult. But let us worry about this when we have to, and focus on our work. Do you think you can perform your task alone?"

Minutes later they were both occupied. But even the work didn't keep Albus from chatting, with the exception of small stretches of silence when he was performing a slightly more complicated calculation. Remus needed a bit more concentration, slowly but carefully and as precisely as possible chopping up the ingredients accumulated on his table. Now and then he checked with his book and the formula, and returned to his work. Still he somehow managed to follow Albus' train of thought and here and there answer a question.

From time to time he offered his finished product to Albus for inspection, and always gained praise and a satisfied nod.

"I'm positively surprised, really. You show the exact right amount of accuracy needed."

It was the first time Remus received any open praise for his cutting, and he had to use a substantial amount of self-control to not grin.

"At least all that practise was good for something. For a while I thought I would never see a cauldron in this room."

Combining two liquids in a small cauldron and lighting a fire with a öazy wave of his hand Albus smiled.

"Understandably. But these basic techniques are vital for everything that follows later, and a good potionsmaster needs to be able to perform them asleep. Consider yourself lucky that Severus only gave you a speeded up version of the basic education and didn't cling to Basilius' teaching methods. I vividly recall Valentinus giving me a speech that any candidate shouldn't even touch a knife until month into the apprenticeship. Cleaning the lab, doing the washing - that's what an apprentice in Basilius' house did. And trust me, there's always so much washing up to do when working in a lab!"

Remus could imagine that, quite vividly. He had seen the fuss Severus made about keeping the lab clean, and of course had done some washing up himself, though his own lessons had decidedly focused on the proper work itself. But he could easily picture the younger Severus he had seen in the memory up to his neck in foam, scrubbing cauldrons and glass jars and vials for hours and hours on end.

"So I didn't really miss out on that, uh?"

Carefully Remus rearranged the tuber that had almost escaped from his cutting board.

"Truly not, though I've never heard Severus utter a word of complaint. After all he had decided to become Basilius' apprentice on his own accord. Even more, Basilius had been more than reluctant to take him in."

Observing the cauldron with minute concentration Albus stirred the softly boiling liquid. Only when he was sure that everything was in order he continued speaking.

"But looking back I can't imagine anyone else dealing with Severus as an apprentice. Basilius was a hard man, but brilliant and with a tongue like a dagger. He hated praise and smalltalk, any unnecessary conversation or, well, any conversation in general. He could turn into a real fury whenever something didn't go to his wishes, no matter whom he was talking to. I remember him yelling at me during a guild meeting a few years ago in his long lost byzantine dialect. He and Severus had the most picturesque fights, too. In secret we always thought that finally Basilius got the candidate he deserved."

Adjusting the temperature slightly Albus sniffed the mixture and wrinkled his nose.

"But Basilius also had a profound knowledge in the Dark Arts, more than any other alchemist I've ever encountered. Half the things he did were illegal, I believe. The guild wasn't amused, but then nobody really dared to intervene. Of course after his death they said he had supped with the devil and then the devil came to get him. Poor Basilius, really."

Remus brushed the final cut tuber into the bowl.

"The devil in question being Voldemort?"

He recalled their dinnertable conversation, a few weeks ago, the first time Remus had heard about Basilius Valentinus and his rather shocking fate. Now that he had even seen the man so alive in the memory it felt strange to talk about him again. It seemed to Remus almost as if he were an old acquaintance and it felt unreal to know that the man was long dead.

"Yes, but I told you before. Nobody knows why, actually. Of course we all have our own ideas. Every mystery breeds rumours, and the death of Basilius brought some turmoil with it."

Suddenly Remus remembered what Albus had told them about the potionmasters' death, how the house had been blown-up and nothing but a floating skull in the air remained.

"Did it have something to do with the Dark Arts, maybe?"

The roots yielded easily under Remus' knife, giving him more space to think than the Aconitum tubers had. Albus stopped stirring the potion and held a hand over the cauldron to cool the liquid.

"I always wondered about that, too. My personal theory is that Tom tried to enlist Basilius, and the old man refused to even consider the idea. So Tom made short shrift and just destroyed everything. It would fit and it's been one of my secret regrets that I won't ever know if Basilius lectured Tom the way I imagine he did. Shame, really. And I always felt sorry for the house."

For a second Remus remembered the remains of the Potter's home, a burnt down skeleton of a house reeking of death and desperation. Quickly he pushed the image aside again. There was no space for these things in his mind now. Chopping the roots into small pieces he tried to steer the conversation in a different direction.

"It was a large house, from what I saw in the memory." Then Remus remembered something he had meant to ask before, but had forgotten amidst the excitement over the Wolfsbane. "There was something else about the house, right? You said it liked Severus?"

Albus nodded, and allowed a large smile to spread over his face while his hands were filling the liquid from the cauldron into two glass jars.

"Oh yes, it did. I never explained that, if I recall correctly. Well, you see, Coldstream House - that's what it was called, Basilius' house - had been a place of residence for various potionsmaster and magical folks for hundreds of years. If a building absorbs that much magical energy it can become almost alive. Just like Hogwarts is alive Coldstream House was. But it was far more obvious for everyone. Here the staircases move, of course, but in Coldstream everything moved and vibrated and reacted towards it's inhabitants. And if the house didn't like you - it could be a nightmare."

Now that was something new. Of course Remus was aware of the fact that places and buildings could absorb magic, and that some of them took in so much of it that they suddenly became sentient themselves. Hogwarts Castle was the most prominent example in Britain, drenched in the magic of generations of students, wrapped into the protective spells the faculty members cast anew again and again. It must have been only a matter of time for the castle to developed it's own mind and ideas, and the moving staircases were only the most obviously signs.

But he had never heard of the castle not liking anyone. Or developing a special fondness for a certain student. It seemed, though, that exactly that had happened with Coldstream House. Remus remembered the old man's pained facial expression when he had confided to Albus that the house had taken a likening to his new apprentice. For a moment he wondered how these things became visible. Could a house purr? Or did it bark and wave it's ceiling or window shutters when someone came home who had been away for a while?

Involuntarily Remus grinned and almost cut his thumb.

"Be careful, Remus. But we should talk about other things than dead alchemists, really. Working time is best spent with light-heartened stories, it makes the time pass by quickly."

Albus' cheerfulness sounded almost genuine.

"I would agree with you, of course. It's just - I've spent a few weeks working with Severus now, and I've known him for such a long time. But he's a real mystery to me, even after all these years."

For a moment Albus stilled his movements and regarded Remus with a glance he couldn't quite decipher. Then he continued his work.

"Ah, but he told you so much already. I am actually surprised how quickly you gained his trust."

The comment made Remus' head spin, and he stopped his chopping movements to stare at Albus with disbelief. Trust? He wasn't sure. Of course, they had talked, a bit, and Severus had told him small things here and there, but trust? It wasn't as if they were sharing Magaritas over dinner every night or cuddle on Severus' large sofa in front of that gigantic fireplace. Though Remus wouldn't mind that, probably. But then Seveurs was probably more of a whiskey man, or the type for deep red wine or Gin. Yes, a good gin tonic, and a book, and maybe the comfortable couch - but there Remus pulled his thoughts back with force.

And then he sincerely hoped that his ears didn't turn an unsightly shade of red.

"Ah, I don't think so. I mean, I'm curious and can be rather stubborn, you see. Maybe I just asked often enough."

At least that was half of the truth. He had asked, too much maybe. But then their newfound talking relationship had been based on a rather curious incident as well. Wasn't there a saying that claimed that people who got high together stayed together? Well, maybe not, but it described what had happened quite nicely. But then he caught Albus glance, and suddenly Remus wondered whether Albus knew all of that - all that had happened in the Opium den, all that had happened inbetween, and that Remus sudden interest in Alchemy maybe had less to do with Alchemy than with the Alchemist himself. Potionsmaster. Whatever.

Remus decidedly needed a topic less dangerous than that, in any case.

"Speaking of my curiosity - how did you get Severus to work with me? I wondered about that for a while now."

The inquisitive glance, bright blue eyes that could probably see straight through steel, softened.

"It wasn't easy, if that is what you mean. But I figured that it would be helpful for all of us. Mostly for you, of course. And then I happened to know that Severus loves sharing knowledge and had never had the chance to brag about the Wolfsbane. Teaching you could help you gain knowledge for the Wolfsbane and entertain Severus' ego for a while."

The shark-like grin Albus only rarely allowed to shine freely ghosted over his face, but was quickly gone again.

"And then I thought you would both benefit from company, whatever form that could take."

The hit was entirely unexpected, and Remus nearly dropped his knife. Catching himself in the last minute he clicked his tongue at Albus, shock his head and started to tell a completely unrelated anecdote about an illegal underground London Sauna run by three russian sisters he used to frequent in the early 1980s.

Time went by faster than Remus had anticipated and although the mountain of ingredients that needed to be dealt with seemed to loom high it suddenly was gone. Remus felt tired already. Even though he had reviewed all the necessary cutting techniques to his best knowledge he needed much more concentration than he had imagined. Working with the precision needed for the task took it's toll. In the end Remus was glad for his trustworthy book and the fact that Albus seemed to be a true encyclopaedia when it came to information on ingredients and techniques. Remus was confident in his abilities, but even he had to admit that a few weeks of training could simply not match years of thorough instruction.

And then suddenly noon was gone, and they were done with the preparation. Carefully Remus pushed the last herb from his cutting board into the appropriate bowl and stretched his back. He still heard Severus' order to stand straight in his mind, but even with that constant reminder he had inevitably started to slouch at some point. Now his vertebrae protested loudly and painfully.

From his own table Albus signalled that he was done as well. Carefully putting the cork on a vial he placed it on the table and stretched himself. Then he glanced at the fruits of Remus' work.

"We've done a fine job here, I think. And it seems that you do have the patience and talent needed to this kind of work. Maybe you could pursue further training when this is over. If you're interested, that is."

Nodding Remus smiled, briefly wondering what exactly had to be over. The war? As if he'd be alive then.

His bleak thoughts were interrupted by his growling stomach who loudly complained about the late hour and the lack of food. Grinning Albus patted his own stomach and nodded.

"I would agree. Let us have a quick lunch and then continue. Everything can stay waiting here for a short while. Shall we go to the orchard?"

Sitting in the shade of the trees their lunchbreak passed by quickly. From time to time somebody passed by the table, sometimes uttering loud surprise at them being still in one piece, and asking for a status-quo-report. Remus delivered it with a smile, and Albus repeated his benevolent evaluation of Remus' work.

But as soon as the dessert in shape of an overflowing fruit bowl appeared on the table Albus himself urged them on.

"I hate to pull you away from these glorious peaches - take one, they are splendid! - but we have to go back."

Remus agreed, and ate his peaches while walking back to the laboratory. The sunshine was beautiful, and the lunch had helped to rise his spirits. But the closer they came to the lab the more uncomfortable Remus felt. Everything so far had been prelude. Now it was time to see if they would really succeed.

Back in the laboratory they cleaned their hands with Nihilio, and Remus nodded along to Albus' speech about the danger of sugar for Wolfsbane. Then they shared the space in front of the desk and discussed the formula once more.

"Good. We'll need two smaller cauldrons, one for the liquid ingredients, the other for the brew made out of the herbs you cut. It seems smart that we both tend to one, and I'll have a look at yours from time to time. The liquids are much more difficult, and I'm convinced you can managed with the brew."

Remus could only agree with that, and soon enough his cauldron stood in front of him, with the tripod on the table. There was another, much larger tripod on the table, waiting for the large cauldron they would use later. But Remus pushed the thought aside and used the soft tingle of fear in his stomach to channel energy and magic into his hands. With a flick of his hands and a clearly thought incantation he lit the fire under his tripod.

Looking up he stared into Albus' beaming face.

"I see working with Severus helps with other things as well. Congratulations, Remus, wandless magic is no easy feat to accomplish. Did you practise a lot?"

The sense of pride slowly floated through Remus body like hot chocolate on a winter day.

"It's silly, but I'm really happy about it. It took a few weeks, yes, and I only figured out how to do it last night."

Carefully he pushed the tripod into the correct position.

"Nonsense, you should be really happy. Not many wizards ever manage to perform what you just did."

Shrugging Remus measured the amount of Nihilio he needed to used as base for the brew.

"But half the faculty at Hogwarts does, though it took me a while to see who could. Is there a reason they only ever use their wands during term?"

That was something he had been wondering about for a while now. He remembered clearly how Minerva used her wand during term time to demonstrate spells, and for daily use of magic. Even Albus did, and the image of Severus shaking his wand out of his wide sleeves was probably deeply imprinted on any student in the past ten years.

"Yes, naturally. We teach the proper use of magic, and proper usage of wands is parts of that. Our faculty serves as an example. It would also frustrate students easily if they thought they had to perform magic that way. But now let's concentrate on our cauldrons, shall we?"

Nodding Remus recalled the necessary steps, and got to work.

Quickly he remembered how much he had liked working with a cauldron and he regretted that he had never really gotten that far working with Severus. There was a certain beauty in dealing with fire and heat instead of chopping away on a cutting board for hours.

But then the brew took over all his concentration. The Nihilio boiled for a moment, and when it had reached the necessary density - Albus quickly weighted the whole cauldron with a complicated spell and confirmed Remus' on visual judgement based assumption - he dropped one parchment thin slice of Aconitum tuber after the other into the liquid. Fascinated he watched how every single one of them boiled for exact five seconds until it dissolved into the liquid.

"There's nothing but the thrill of something working as predicted."

Albus had thrown a quick glance into Remus' cauldron and watched his companions' fascination with amusement.

"Let's hope it continues like this."

And it did. Silent and highly concentrated they continued working side by side. There was no more time for idle talk. Under his breath Remus counted seconds, weighted ingredients once more just to be sure, checked and double checked the temperature in the brew and finally controlled the perfectly timed rotation of the wooden spoon stirring the liquid. It didn't even bother him that he had to use his wand for that.

Next to him Albus omitted the same air of concentration, although he worked with routine and visibly more relaxed. But when both of their cauldrons reached the state they had to be in before the Hyle came into play he sighed with visible relief.

"I'm out of practise, really. It's been a while."

Remus wiped sweat from his forehead. With both cauldrons over a full fire and the heat from outside the lab had turned into a veritable sauna. The tension around the brewing process didn't help in the slightest. And they hadn't even started to work with the Hyle.

But exactly that appeared on the table now, and from a table behind them Albus pulled the large cauldron. Remus watched him with growing concern. There was no fire under the large tripod yet.

"I sterilised the cauldron last night. A rather pointless security measure, but I wanted to be sure. Let's see what we have here."

Examining the Hyle he turned the glass jar against the light.

"As I thought. High-purity Hyle, quite a sight to behold. Andreas Libavius, am I right?"

Remus nodded. Apparently Albus knew perfectly well that Severus couldn't produce Hyle on his own.

"Yes, we picked it up when he took me to Oxford."

Albus turned the jar once more.

"A very capable master, our Libavius."

Putting the jar down Albus smiled as he caught Remus glance. "You wonder. Of course I've known him for a while. He came to St. Aurelius on a special scholarship designed to enable very bright wizards and witches from other countries to study there. How he ended up in a lab with Severus remains a mystery. We were all very surprised when they didn't kill each other. But it worked, and Libavius was good for Severus' ambition. He had never really had competition before, and then there was this poor bohemian slightly ragged genius. Gave him quite a run for his money. "

Turning around Albus held out a hand and the large container with Nihilio came floating through the lab. Apparently not everybody took the no-magic-in-the-lab-rule as serious as Severus.

"It looked like they were friends. Has the competition subsided?"

The container landed on the table.

"Not at all, but yes, somehow they are friends. Nobody knows why. Libavius is a most admirable man, easy to like and generous. Whatever he sees in Severus, but he decided to get him and keep him, and what a Bohemian wants a Bohemian will get. Beautiful city, Prague."

Measuring the Nihilio into a smaller glass Albus stayed silent for a moment.

"But enough of that now, we should work. Hyle doesn't react well to sit around for longer. Although you should ask Libavius about the one time Severus duelled himself on his behalf. It's a wonderful story, and one of the few where Severus' militancy actually did something good."

Before Remus could take note of that thought the fire underneath the large tripod suddenly blazed upwards.

"Now listen, Remus. First we will drip the cauldron with the Nihilio, meaning that we will coat it's inside with the liquid. It will evaporate quickly, giving the cauldron time to heat up even more without bursting. Then we add the Hyle. It will boil, and the cauldron will absorb more heat. In the meantime the Hyle can react with heat, changing it's own anatomic structure and that of the cauldron, but that's unimportant for you."

Taking a deep breath Remus nodded. He really had no space in his mind for atomic structures at the moment.

"Both smaller cauldrons need to rise simultaneously. You will control yours, I care for mine while observing the temperature inside the larger cauldron and the fire. I will count the seconds loud, and when I say 'now' and you hear the ping you tip over your cauldron using a simple spell. It's vitally important that both liquids combine in the air while falling down, reaching the perfect temperature. There will be a lot of smoke and a rather disgusting smell, but don't worry about that."

He glanced at the shorter formula he had placed next to him in a copied version.

"The temperature in your cauldron can never fall below fifty Celsius. I count the seconds from twentytwo until fiftyfive once. Than you levitate your cauldron until this very spot - "

He pointed to a point right above the large cauldron, and a green dot appeared in the air.

"- and then I will count again. When I reach fiftyfive you tip over the cauldron. Did you understand that?"

Remus nodded, his wand at the ready.

"Good, because if there is a question ask it now. If we make a mistake this beast here will blow up."

The unpleasant feeling in Remus' stomach intensified. "What is it made out of?"

"Corroded steel, the sturdiest cauldron Severus has. It has to take a lot, with the high temperature and the impact of the potions. But if it blows up we are basically pincushions."

Taking a deep breath Remus added a bit of brazenness into his face. "Then let's not mess this up."

Nodding Albus took the temperature of the fire. "That's true Gryffindor spirit."

With another movement he marked another green dot in the air, and started to add Nihilio to his cauldron. Remus extinguished the fire underneath his own brew, and carefully took the temperature. Albus already counted the seconds until the Hyle had to go into the large cauldron.

The steels slowly changed it's colour. Albus kept on counting. Remus' brew had almost the perfect temperature.

At fiftyfive Albus emptied the Hyle into the cauldron and dissolved the spell that had kept it inactive. Hitting the hot metal the liquid started to sizzle almost immediately. The smell was diabolic, seeping into Remus' sensitive nose immediately. The note of burnt metal didn't help. Nor did the rising heat.

" - twentysix, twentyseven, twentyeight - " Calmly Albus counted down the seconds.

At thirtythree Remus checked the temperature again and lifted the small cauldron off it's tripod and onto the bright green dot in the air. Albus' cauldron did just the same.

" - fourtyfive, fourtysix, fourtyseven - "

The large cauldron was now an angry shade of red, and a high whirring sound was audible. Had that happened in the memory they had seen as well? Sweating Remus gulped down air and took the temperature in his own cauldron.

50.5. Celsius. Hadn't Albus said fifty Celsius, and nothing more? Was that too much? Or just perfect? The whirring sound became louder and louder, and the vapour of the Hyle seemed to cloud Remus' eyes. The temperature, Merlin, what now -

" - fiftyfive - now!"

Without having time to think Remus reacted instantly, tipping his cauldron over with a flick of his wand, silently praying to whatever patron saint was available for stupid werewolves playing alchemists.

And then he saw nothing more. With a screeching sound loud enough to hurt his ears the hot cauldron reacted to the liquids hitting its walls, and the smoke rising up immediately was acidic. It burnt in his eyes like fire, clogging his nose and throat. He coughed, gasping for breath. The heat was unbearable, and his stomach rebelled painfully. The smell had been bad before, but it had taken a turn for the worse. It felt like hell.

But there were no shards of hot metal in his skin, and when the ventilation in the lab started to take effect the smoke was gone quickly.

Rubbing his eyes and still gasping for air Remus turned around to see Albus looking down at the large cauldron and the treacherously peaceful potion within it.

Within minutes the air in Remus' lungs was fresh and clear again, and his eyes stopped to water. The lab was clear again, and nothing pointed at the fact that only seconds before they had been in a suburb to hell itself.

"Did - did it work?"

His voice was still a bit raw from the smoke and fumes. Albus looked up, his hand still outstretched over the cauldron.

"It would seem so. And we're alive! Well done, Remus."

Letting go of a breath he didn't remember holding in Remus sighed. "Fortuna favours fools, it seems. That smell was horrible."

Nodding Albus withdrew his hand from the cauldron and sorted through his beard with unhidden vanity.

"Indeed. Somehow I don't remember this being so terrifying. Must be my age. But Hyle is just a beast to work with."

At least Remus now knew for sure that Wolfsbane tasted better than it smelt during its creation. Which was quite a feat to begin with.

Everything from there on was easy. The potion needed to boil for an hour, twentytwo minutes and fifteen seconds. Then Albus used a handy spell to freeze it, and forms of energy inside the potion melted the ice within seconds, thus brining it to room temperature and releasing its full magical potency. Then the whole thing had to sit for a day and calm down, as Albus put it, in a vacuum.

The final steps Albus performed alone. Feeling suddenly queasy and unstable Remus sat on one of the desks, concentrated on breathing properly and willing his head to stop spinning.

Albus understood, and did most of the cleaning on his own. When he was done he offered Remus an arm to help him stand up, and Remus wasn't ashamed to take it.

"Apologies, Albus - I don't know what happened. The smell, maybe."

He was angry at himself for the sudden weakness, but Albus only shock his head, waited until Remus could stand on his own and walked over to the single bookshelf in the room. There he collected a vial, and brought it over.

"I knew Severus would have it on stock. Drink this, it will help."

Without questioning the offering Remus took the vial and downed the tasteless dark red liquid. He felt better almost immediately.

"Thank you. So it was the smell?"

The empty vial vanished into Albus' lab robe.

"No. We spent all day working with the potion. You didn't notice it while it happened, but Hyle-based potions function like a sponge. They take up energy inside a room and add it to their own potency. You worked next to the cauldron, and your magic was added to that as well."

Somehow Remus felt glad that he hadn't fainted form the smell like a 19th-century damsel in distress.

"So the Hyle sucked me dry?"

With a wry grin Albus nodded.

"Please propose this notion to Severus, but do it while I'm there. I want to see his face. Let's go outside. We're just in time for dinner."

And to Remus surprise they were. It had felt like hours and hours, but in fact they had only worked the afternoon into the early evening. Working together had saved them a lot of time. Remus could only imagine how difficult it was to perform the brewing process alone. And to do it month after month, at night or on the weekend, while being exhausted or tired and simply not concentrated - what a task. Suddenly Remus felt guilty for complaining about the taste or colour of the potion, even if it had all been done on good humour.

Down in the orchard they were welcomed like returning war heroes.

"Wonderful, you are alive!"

Minerva patted Albus' shoulder with unhidden fondness on her face. Poppy, seated next to her, raised her glass with the fruity remains of an aperitif inside.

"Lucky me, I already feared I'd have to patch you up again. And I already fed all my Sekele-Gro to Severus, so there's nothing left for you."

Sitting down Albus reached for one of the glasses with alcohol and fruit.

"Aren't his bones healing properly?"

Shrugging Poppy clicked her glass against his.

"Oh yes, they are, but some are broken in more than one place. How can a man have a collarbone broken twice? I'll have to ask him. But let's talk about something more cheerful. Tell us everything!"

But Minerva regarded Poppy with a sentimental glance. "What would we do without you?"

Rolling her eyes the robust mediwitch shock her head.

"Please, Minerva, safe it for your Gryffindors."

Smiling Remus took the glass Albus offered him and imagined what would happen if Minerva really did bestow sentimentalities upon her students. Hogwarts would probably crumble to dust under their realisation that their non-nonsense Head of House had more than one soft spot.

"Well, Remus, how does one feel being a proper potionsmaster?"

Rising his glass Remus grinned. "I don't know, you have to ask Severus."

Appearing from the greenhouses Sirius and Hagrid reached the orchard just in time to listen in. Sirius waved enthusiastically.

"You're alive! I knew it!"

Falling down on the chair next to Remus he slapped his friends' shoulders with such force that Remus' almost dropped his glass and orange liquid splattered all over the tablecloth.

"Well, if that's the only thing you're throwing around today we're lucky."

Albus' comment was dry, but the whole table erupted with laughter. Sirius was pleased with the development.

"So, tell us!"

The first course appeared, and Remus started to tell the tale of two unlikely alchemists facing heat and ugly smells on their quest towards the one true and holy Wolfsbane. Laughter and witty comments made him press on, and he told their trials and tribulations with verve and flourish. Finally finished everybody broke into sudden applause, and Albus seemed to shine with pride and enjoyment. Rising his glass he nodded towards Remus.

"To Wolfsbane!"

Rising the glasses everybody echoed the toast. Sirius giggled. "And to Remus - the first Werewolf to brew Wolfsbane!"

Voices repeated the sentence, and they laughter echoed over the grounds. Remus looked into their proud and smiling faces, relaxed and happy with their achievement. He pushed back the thoughts about the as of yet untested potency of the potion, and clicked his glass to Sirius'. For now they were done and successful, and whatever was to happen the next day could wait until then.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 20/1/2015

A/N: Finally something happend.. at least in the lab. I know there wasn't a lot of Severus in the past chapters, but that's the price one pays for knocking one's lead character out. Sorry. Things will change, I promise.

The anecdote about the illegal underground London Sauna run by three russian sisters Remus' told during the brewing sits completely written out in my head, and I'm already considering writing it down and posting it. Maybe. If anyone is interested shot me a note. (Remus might not have told Albus that he wasn't entirely alone in that sauna, thought..)


	21. One of the lucky ones

**Remember that you're one of the lucky ones**

The next morning Remus awoke with the feeling of all his muscles being pulled away from their joints while his bones were being twisted in every possible direction simultaneously. It always felt like this on the morning of the full moon. He never needed a moon calendar or to even look up into the sky. The mechanics setting the downfall of Remus' humanity into motion were always crystal clear to him, making themselves felt long before there was a sign of the moon in the sky.

Not every werewolf transformed on the same day. Muggles and wizards alike claimed full moon to be a phase lasting three full days, although the moon was really full for only one night. But for every werewolf it was a different one, and there were the bad cases where every single one of the three nights triggered the transformation. Remus had never met someone affect by that, though. They were known to die early, in pain, their bodies wasted from a transformation they never had enough time to recover from. Most of them committed suicide as soon as the opportunity arose. Remus precisely well knew why.

But he had been one of the lucky ones. Transforming only once in every moon circle he had enough time to recover or at least attempt to. But that still didn't say much, and even Wolfsbane didn't help with the aches and the ugly feeling of being not quite inside one's own mind and body.

The feeling seeped into every cell as Remus carefully climbed out of bed and stretched his stiff joints while walking towards his bathroom. He could already feel the surplus energy in his veins, the slight tug of aggression at his mind. It was loosing his inner calm that enraged Remus most. He felt like begin swept away by an unstoppable avalanche sometimes, the ground unstable and moving out of his control. He was a gentle man, but the creature wasn't, and it's growl easily broke through Remus' own softer voice. It didn't help that the wolf was a hungry being, wanting blood, warm moving flesh and sex.

Angry at the moon, the world and himself he threw the bathroom door shut and showered as hot as he could. But even the scalding water and a furious wank in the shower did nothing to restore his humanity. The wolf was a force of nature, and there was nothing Remus could do but to try and tame it with as much self-discipline he could muster.

Most people dealing with him were aware of that. There was a silent agreement to ignore Remus on these days, to ignore that the gentle demeanour seemed endangered, an angry force barely hidden under a purposefully build facade of friendliness. But Remus was a good liar, and people wanted to believe. They had told themselves that he was one of the good ones, and nobody felt the need to question their worldview too seriously.

Some knew, of course. Sirius for sure did, having years and years of experience in dealing with the moon and its power over his best friend. He had learned to handle him with ease and grace, taking enough care of him to keep Remus happy, but otherwise leaving him alone.

Still Remus knew exactly that he wasn't good company. Breakfast was hardly done when he excused himself and vanished to a hiding space in the otherwise empty library. He needed time and space to keep a firm grip on his sliding mind. Added to his usual stress was the impending doom of the still untested Wolfsbane sitting in the lab, an element of uncertainty not helping with his slowly building temper.

Sitting by himself in the cool half-light of the secluded desks in the library helped. Bending over the book on Grummeldwarfs he had extracted from the shelves and forcing his unruly mind to follow his orders did more to calm his inner turmoil. The comfortable routine of preparing class, the quill in his hand and his familiar handwriting on the parchment kept the gloss of humanity intact. A monster couldn't write, if he wasn't mistaken. The creature didn't read.

Flipping through his plans for the upcoming year he realised how much time had already passed. It didn't look like it outside, with the brilliant blue sky and the beaming sun, but summer was almost over. And Remus was looking forward to business as usual, to teaching and helping, to dealing with students in all phases of their young lives, to Quidditch and shared meals in the Great Hall, Office hours and screaming children in the corridors. But with the summer his time spent with Severus would be over, too, and his chances to finally see more of the man were dwindling. Pulling his thoughts back from impending doom he bent over his books once more.

But as soon as he was finally engrossed in his project of finding a Grummeldwarf in the Forbidden Forest and maybe even catch it he was disturbed by soft footsteps. Seconds later Albus appeared behind the bookshelves Remus had fled to, peeking around the corner and smiled.

"Ah, I thought so. Finding solace in work?"

Biting back a curt answer Remus simply nodded. He would remain in control. And after all none of this was Albus' fault.

"And reading up on - Grummeldwarfs?"

With a glance Albus had taken in Remus' reading material. Politely smiling, willing his face to look natural and not like a stiff mask Remus nodded.

"Yes, for the sixth years. I just remembered that we do have a pack of them in the Forbidden Forest."

Thinking for just a short moment Albus nodded.

"We do. Hagrid ran into them a few times last year, he was delighted. And I think I remember a rather unfortunate encounter with them myself a few years ago. But their current habitats are far away from our usual pathways, and going there with an entire class would be too difficult."

The hidden meaning instructing Remus to not attempt to undertake a class field trip into the forest was evident.

"Of course not, I absolutely agree with you. But I wondered whether we couldn't try and see if we can catch one and bring it here. It would be very interesting for the students, and if we house the creature somewhere in the dungeons where the walls are thick enough - "

Then none would hear it scream, but Remus couldn't make himself saying it and simply let the sentence hang unfinished.

"In the dungeons? Have you ever heard a fully grown Grummeldwarf protest?"

He had, but only in travelling exhibitions were the creature in question had long been used to captivity. A free one would probably have a much broader range and more strength.

"I see. You need to know that their screams carry far, which is a reason why we had to chase them into the more remote parts of the forests a few decades ago. Of course we could ask Hagrid to capture one, but setting it up somewhere in the dungeons is a bad idea. It would disturb the students, after all, and the Slytherin common room would most likely be affected. I would recommend you discuss that with Severus as Head of House. But I can't see him compromising on the comfort of his students."

Nodding a bit contrite Remus had to agree. He hadn't thought about the Slytherin Common Room, of course. He had been aware that it was located down there, but he had never really been inside. For some odd reasons he had always considered it off limits, although he had entered other Common Rooms in his capacity as teacher without even thinking about it. But there had never been any business for him in Slytherin. None of the students had required his special assistance so far, though that was a familiar pattern. Slytherins tended to turn to their Head of House if in trouble, and that was the end of it.

"I absolutely understand, it just never occurred to me. Maybe I can ask Hagrid to capture one and keep it in a compound on the outskirts of the Forest. Coupled with a noise control spell it could work?"

Shrugging Albus agreed.

"You'll have to speak with him. But I came to tell you something else. This morning I performed the necessary tests on the potion, and I'm very content with our work."

Almost leaping from his chair Remus felt his heartbeat fasten. "Really?"

With a gesture Albus gestured him to sit down again, and took a seat on the same long bench.

"Yes, mostly. The primary properties are all spot-on, so your transformation should be completely safe and in control. The secondary ones, however, seem to have suffered somehow. But that shouldn't be too bad, and it certainly doesn't influence the general effect of the potion."

The hard knot in Remus' stomach seemed to grow just a little.

"Can you say which secondary ones are especially compromised?"

Looking a bit sheepish Albus shock his head.

"Well, it's difficult. There are so many secondary layers that I didn't test all of them. I guess that something went wrong in regards to the pain management the potion seems to offer. But we can't be sure until your transformation, so you'll have to see."

Nodding while blinking back a mild onset of panic Remus tried to not look too striken. But of course Albus picked up on his fear.

"Now don't worry. Considering that I never thought it would work at all we can be proud that we got the primary properties into full working strength. I really doubted it, but all tests were positive."

Nodding again Remus thought of the Shrieking Shack and a very long and dark night. Somehow his notion of ruining the potion had consisted of exploding cauldrons and second degree burns, not of little details suddenly not working. The devil lives in the details, as his mother used to say while looking at him over her spectacles. Trying to look a bit more optimistic he took a deep breath.

"Well, at least we didn't kill ourselves with an exploding cauldron, right? And everything is better then nothing."

Nodding once more, this time encouraging Albus got up.

"I would agree. The potion is awaiting you in your rooms, as usual. I guess you will retreat to the shack tonight?"

As usual - that would mean a sour looking Severus presenting a glass jar or goblet with the potion, and Remus was quite sure that nothing like that would happen tonight.

"Yes, I thought that would be prudent."

Albus smiled, and lifted a hand to indicate a goodbye.

"Indeed. If you hadn't come to that conclusion yourself I would have strongly recommended it to you. But I see it isn't necessary."

Then he was gone, soft footsteps on cold floor, leaving Remus to ponder how "strongly recommending" would have looked in this special case. He came to the conclusion that he didn't really want to know and tried to focus on the Grummeldwarfs ones more.

But there was the image of the Shrieking Shack imprinted on his mind, and no matter how much he tried to concentrate on his books it lingered even when he closed his eyes. And it was already early afternoon.

Defeated he returned to his rooms where a delicately engraved goblet waited for him on the table. Feeling exhaustion creep up on him he dropped his books next to the cauldron. He had never seen the open topped vessel before. It certainly didn't come from Severus' collection of goblets.

The potion looked much like it did every month. The thick liquid shimmered in a unappealing shade of mud, with a slick film of oscillating oils on top. Taking a deep breath Remus picked up the goblet, and in one swift motion downed its content.

He almost vomited on the spot. He had grown accustomed to the taste of Wolfsbane with time, slowly at least, lately being able to surpress the impulse to simply spit it out again. But this was revolting, and the liquid seemed thicker than usual. Only slowly running down his throat it gave him a good chance to cherish the ugly taste more intensely than usual. Closing his eyes Remus fought for control over his stomach.

In the end he won. Putting down the empty goblet on his table he forced himself to walk over to his windows and distract himself from the internal struggle to keep the potion down by observing the grounds. His view was nice, after all, even though it couldn't compete with the one Severus' private rooms had.

But it kept his thoughts in control to focus on the green grounds and sky, with white clouds sailing of to nowhere. As a child Remus had been looking at clouds for days on end, wishing for the chance to travel with them. Only later on he had realized that wherever he went the wolf would go, too. One couldn't shed one's skin. Or fur, for that matter.

Standing and looking he waited for the warm feeling of the potion in his stomach. There was a precise moment when the ugly taste slowly vanished from his tongue that he had come to be used to - a strange sensation of heat as the potion made its way into his bloodstream, slowly unfolding its full power, pure magic seeping into his veins. But the moment didn't come.

They hadn't succeeded, Remus suddenly realized. Whatever the tests had said, it had been useless. Shifting his bodyweight forward he leant his forehead against the cool window pane. How could they had been so secure of themselves and their own abilities? He should have known better. Why was he always trying to pretend that he could do things he simply couldn't?

But before desperation could close her claws around him a convulsion of strong knocks on his doors pulled him back. Annoyed he turned around to see his door opening without him uttering a single word of acceptance. He had been wallowing in misery, darn it, and who was interrupting him now?

Sauntering into the room, all colourful t-shirt and free-flowing dark curls Sirius needed only one single look to decipher the situation. Sighing he sniffed the cauldron.

"This stuff is getting more and more vile. Are you looking like your old cat died all over again because of the taste?"

Remus growled, and crossed his arms.

"It always tastes vile, but this time - I think something's gone wrong."

Sirius' face was a beautiful arrangement of calming incredulity.

"No way, Albus told me the tests were positive. It's just nerves, that's all."

Fighting back the growl Remus simply grunted ungracefully. But Sirius didn't even look at him, already turning around on his heels and making haste to leave the room.

"All I wanted to know is if it's the Shack tonight, because if yes I'll take a nap now and get some old blankets from Hagrid."

Computing that took Remus an awfully long time.

"Shrieking Shack, of course. You mean you're going to stay with me?"

Looking over his shoulders Sirius face betrayed that he thought Remus terribly dim of wit, even for a full moon day.

"What do you think? I want to see how this turns out. And someone has to make sure that your lupine form doesn't destroy it's paws entirely."

With a mixture of relief and gratitude Remus nodded, and Sirius was gone moments later, leaving Remus to ponder his own human and lupine shortcomings and worry about the night.

Hours later he wandered over the grounds towards the Whomping Willow. Dressed in his oldest possible clothing he was prepared for everything. But the uncertainty was still at the forefront of his mind, and all the internal cursing didn't help. Above him the night sky was already beautifully draped in dark blue silks, stars like diamonds sprinkled over the fabric. He made haste not to look at the moon as he stilled the eternal movement of the tree and slipped into the darkness of the hidden corridor.

He had transformed only once or twice in the Shack since his return to Hogwarts, back in the first month when Severus had still been working on the perfect balance of the Wolfsbane. So the memories springing up to him when Remus walked the familiar ground were of old, and even though the Shack was a place of pain and fear he had good mental images tied to it as well. The camaraderie with his friends, their glorious transformation into animal companions to the wolf seemed to be floating around the room. He didn't remember the bad things, thankfully. There was no memory for the injuries. He didn't even remember attacking and nearly killing Severus, decades ago, in this very corridor. Sirius had told him later. Nobody else ever spoke of that moment, and he never said a word about it to Severus. Sometimes he wondered if he played a major role in the man's nightmares, though. But he suspected that the spy had seen and done worse by now.

The Shrieking Shack had not changed. Kept by what Remus considered to be a strong spell in a neverchanging shape of decay it was covered in dust and debris. Broken furniture and the thick wooden planks barricading the windows didn't quite lend an air of beauty to the place. But it was a safe spot for Remus' transformation, and the pile of old blankets in a corner told him that Sirius had already prepared a thing or two. As usual Remus sealed the only entrance with a quick spell and hid his wand in the small dent created exactly for that reasons. The wolf knew no magic.

Mentally giving himself over to fate Remus spread one of the blankets on the wooden floor, and started to undress. There was no point in ruining a set of still remotely intact clothing by the transformation, and Remus had never been one for false modesty. Carefully folding his shirt and trousers he hid them on a wooden beam high on the wall, a place where the wolfs would hopefully ignore them.

Naked he sat on the ground, feeling the cool night air on his already painfully tingling skin and waited for the moon.

He didn't have to wait for long.

With the first beams of moonlight falling through the broken ceiling into the room the transformation hit his body like a wave of icecold water. Accompanied by his hoarse screams the moon pulled apart his body, breaking bones, tearing ligaments. His human shape deteriorated into a puzzle of blood and raw flesh, a howling soul begging for the final grace of eternal silence.

But the moon knew no mercy, not for Remus. Playing with the shards and pieces of his body he was put together anew. Fur replaced skin, claws fingernails and his spine bent over, vertebrae for vertebrae into the wolfs four-legged gait.

And with the breaking of bones came the mental change. His senses sharpened to their limit he suddenly smelt, heard and saw. The rotten wood of the shack suddenly announced the small animals living inside by smell. The rustling sound of the forest in the distance was loud in his ears, and the wind carried news and information about the movement of animals and humans. About his prey.

The wolfs knew all about prey. It knew how to break bones with a single quick bite, how to ravage through a still screaming carcass. It had sharp teeth and unrelenting black eyes like beads in a deformed head.

And hunger. The need for blood pulsed through its body, delivering the single goal the wolf had. But there was no escaping from the shack, no hole large enough to let the large creature through. There was nothing left to do for the hungry wolf than to gnaw on the blankets, howling at the withdrawal of prey from his reach in anger. The scent of humans in his surroundings seemed to mock him, stirring the rage further.

On his rampage through the hut the creature tried everything. Tearing a blanket apart hadn't helped in the slightest. The wolf threw itself against the wooden walls, clawed at the floorboards and howled its frustration into the night.

It didn't care for the black dog that suddenly appeared behind him. Up on its hind legs the wolf was busy chewing on a large iron nail sticking out from the wall when the dog suddenly appeared behind it and chomped into the wolfs tail.

With a roar the wolf turned around. But there was just the dog, far too small to satisfy the wolfs craving for blood. And it was human blood the wolf wanted, anyway. It didn't care for the small creature. There was no use to fight this one.

Throwing itself around the wolfs got to work on the wall again. Gnawing on the nails it splintered its teeth, ripping open its paws on the splinters and loose wood. There was blood on the wall, but the wolf didn't feel the pain. Rage had taken it over completely.

It was only when the dog took a hearty bite on the wolfs' tail again that the large creature finally turned around once more. Standing facing each other the wolf growled. But the dog wasn't easily intimidated, staring back at the much larger, much more powerful creature without even blinking. There was not even a hint of fear on the dog, and in its bravery it was superior to the wolf.

They stood for a moment in silence and in the stillness the wolfs suddenly realized its bleeding paws. Standing without any movement hurt, and it started to prance for no other reason that to chase the pain away. But the dog understood immediately, and closing the distance between them moved next to the forepaws. It gave a sharp bark, and the wolfs froze. Satisfied the dog bent down and carefully started to clean the wounds with its tongue.

It was the touch or the movement, and later Remus wasn't sure what exactly had triggered it. But it was at that precise moment that he suddenly knew where he was, why he was there, and most importantly, who he was.

With a soft whine the wolfs sank down, hiding its head in shame. And the dog understood, interrupting his care and marching over to the corner where the blankets were piled. Only when the wolf was buried under a few of them, neatly tucked in as well as a dog could tuck a large creature like a werewolf in, the dog returned to its place next to the injured paws and continued his doing.

But the wolf was inconsolable. Ridden by grief over what had happened it kept on whimpering silently. When the dog was satisfied with his work on the injuries it crawled underneath the blankets, curled up next to the wolf and placed its smaller dark head on the creatures enormous paws. Softly the wolfs whimpering faded away. But it was only after it was fairly certain that the distraught creature was finally asleep that the dog allowed its eyes to drift close as well. The moon drew sharp circles onto the dusty floor.

Remus awoke the next morning in a pile of horribly smelling blankets, covered in dirt and blood, feeling as if he had been hit repeatedly by the Hogwarts Express and then thrown into a rubbish dump. The heat of the late summer day was oppressive in the shack, and the scents seemed to be multiplied by the heavy and thick air. Closing his eyes again as soon as he had opened them Remus counted till fifty and then tried once more.

But it wasn't a nightmare. He was still lying on the hard wooden floor, and the smell didn't vanish either. Not moving even an inch he took inventory.

His body hurt. Muscles and tendons complained about being overstretched and ripped apart. Some bones seemed to have taken quite a bashing. Moving up from his feet he tried out to move certain joints, feeling some click into place and others to deny service for just a few minutes more. His skin seemed a bit raw around some areas. But only when he flexed his fingers he realized that he had done horrific things to his hands. They were ripped open and torn apart, his right palm mere bloodied raw flesh. A fingernail was half-broken, another one seemed torn apart. The back of his left hand was covered in deep bloody scratches, his right wrist bruised beyond belief. But there was no broken bone, or so he believed.

Groaning he rolled onto his back, wincing as his vertebrae hit the hard wood. Stretching was out of question entirely, but he had to get up. Peeling himself off the floor took at least ten minutes, and dressing required even more effort. The scab on some wounds seem to break open immediately, but the amount of blood was minimal. And his t-shirt needed a good circle in the laundry anyway.

He was just done when Sirius appeared in the doorframe, carrying a bag and smiling brightly.

"Good morning! Good to see you're awake. Here's breakfast, meaning some dry bread for you and the whole thing for me."

Carefully Remus lowered himself to the ground again, ignoring the pounding headache and his various aches and pains. He didn't remember waking up that torn apart ever since he had started to take Wolfsbane. There had been something to the potion that was missing in the concoction Albus and he had brewed, that much was for sure.

Watching Sirius spreading out his breakfast Remus rubbed his neck, trying to ignore his beat up hands. Minutes later he was nibbling on a piece of dry bread while Sirius demolished a gigantic cheese sandwich.

"So, tell me, did the potion do anything at all? Because you were quite crazy last night."

Shrugging slowly Remus sipped on his herbal tea.

"Later on yes, but it took a long time. I have no clue why, so don't ask me."

Sirius chewed thoughtfully.

"I guess if it hadn't worked you would have shreds instead of hands. If I were a Werewolf shrink I'd diagnose you with severed hand-disorder or something. Have you done something with your hands you disliked and want to punish them or something?"

It was true that the wolfs had a strange fetish with chewing on its paws, but Remus couldn't think of anything he'd done with his hands that would require punishment. Not yet, anyway.

"Go, and see Poppy. She needs to fix you."

Done with his sandwich Sirius busied himself with cleaning the breakfast, and Remus downed the remaining tea.

"Yes, I guess she will have a field day with my hands." Remus handed the mug to Sirius, who stowed it into his bag.

"Thank you, for the breakfast and your company. Last night, I mean."

Shaking his head Sirius commanded the blankets into the corner with a flick of his wand.

"Sure, always. Friends, you know. And now get out and see Poppy, okay?"

Following his orders Remus moved his beaten body into an upright position and managed to force himself into a motion similar to walking. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Sirius retrieve Remus' wand from the dent in the wall and pocket it. Remus was fairly certain it would be on his desk when he returned to his rooms later.

Outside the corridor the summer heat was even more oppressive. There were heavy clouds on the horizon, and the thunderstorm seemed already tangible. The afternoon would be stormy.

Up in the Hospital Wing Remus found Poppy sorting through her collection of vials with cough potion, taking inventory for the upcoming year. But she jumped from her chair immediately, and in the next minutes Remus had to drink at least five different vials, hold his hands for her to administer a thick salve smelling of roses and watch her patch together his broken fingernails with a few well-placed strong spells.

She also took readings of his entire physical status, wiped his face with a wet cloth despite his protest and then covered his fingers in band-aids and bandages.

Finally she took a step back and sighed.

"It seems that you're out to destroy your hands for good, Remus. I won't ask why, you probably don't know yourself. Keep the bandages on, please, and come back tonight. I want to readminister the healing salve on your palm. Did you eat the flesh away or how did that happen?"

Feeling stupid Remus had do admit that he had no recollection what had made the wolf turn onto itself. Maybe it had taken to eating its own skin and flesh to replace the skin and flesh it longed to hunt but couldn't get. Logic wasn't quite the creatures strong side, after all.

Poppy simply shock her head and returned to her desk to arrange the vials she had needed in a box with Remus' name on it so they were kept handy for later. Thanking her Remus slid off the bed he had been sitting upon.

"I'll see you again later. Hopefully this will heal quickly."

Halfway out to the door he suddenly changed his mind. He hadn't visited Severus since he had spent the day in the laboratory with Albus brewing Wolfsbane and he had nothing to do that couldn't be done later. It wouldn't hurt to quickly see if the resident potionsmaster was still there Remus had left him a few days ago. Changing his direction mid-stride he turned towards the private rooms.

"I'll quickly say hello to Severus."

Sitting down by her desk Poppy waved into his general direction.

"Do that. But be careful with your hands today, yes?"

Remus wasn't quite sure what exactly she was trying to tell him, but nodded, smiled towards her already turned back and left the large room. He was looking forward to see Severus again, even if he was only a sleeping form on a bed removed from his reality entirely. Maybe telling the silent body everything about the Wolfsbane debacle would help to clear Remus' mind.

Within seconds he arrived at the closed door, and with much more force than strictly necessary threw it open and marched into the room.

"Would you like me to lecture you on the cultural significance a closed door generally holds in this society or can I simply call you an imbecile and leave it at that?"

His mouth wide open Remus stopped dead in his tracks, his freshly bandaged hand still on the door handle and the certain knowledge in his mind that maybe he should have knocked, after all.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 2/2/2015

Sorry for the slow updating schedule. This was the last chapter I could use at least partially from the german version, so now we're in uncharted territory and I have to do writing from scratch. I try to update regularly, but bear with me if I don't.


	22. What can I keep for myself

**What can I keep for myself if I tell you my hell**

The voice was coarse and rough, like sandpaper on a blackboard and unusually faint, but there was no mistaking in the cadence and Remus wondered briefly why nobody had warned him. Then he wondered why he had completely forgotten about the fact that time, indeed, passed for other people as well. Five days, Poppy had said, and those had been over yesterday. And then, finally, he tried to think of something intelligent to say and failed dramatically.

"Uh, you're awake?"

That earned him a facial expression that looked a lot as if Severus was trying hard to resist the temptation of throwing his hands up in horror. Or to simply curse Remus out of the door again.

"Sorry to disappoint you."

Remus crossed through the room, taking a seat in the reading chair Poppy had used in the past days and where he himself had sat many hours, alone in the dark with the unresponsive Severus. Who now, very much suspicious, followed Remus' path through the room.

"Did I ask you to come in and get comfortable?"

Carefully arranging his battered body in a way that was as comfortable as possible Remus tried a smile.

"No, but to be honest you don't look like you'd be able to put up a fight."

Severus pulled a rather unbecoming face, but he didn't deny the truth in Remus' statement.

He looked positively like a dead man. It had been strange to see his thin body under the blankets, his face nothing but skin pulled over a skull, but unmoving in the dark. Seeing him in the broad daylight, moving and talking was something entirely different. It looked a bit as if a skeleton from a doctor's office had stolen Severus' facial expression and gestures, turning him into nothing more than a sad caricature of himself.

He had exchanged the usual pyjamas Poppy dressed her patients in to something that looked more as if it came out of his own wardrobe. Sitting on the bed more than in the bed he wore what looked like dark grey lightweight cotton trousers matched with a white t-shirt. Both were too large for him now, suggesting that they had been bought many month ago to fit on his usual bodyframe.

Propped against more than one pillow, his legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankles he held a leather bound volume in one hand. When Remus entered he had put the book down, and from where he sat Remus could not see the title embossed on the front. Severus' other hand was hidden from Remus' view, but the intravenous drip standing next to the bed suggested that the clear plastic tube led to a needle in the back of his hand.

"What are you reading?"

It was a mixture of an honest question coupled with Remus' inability to say anything he actually wanted to say. Severus frowned.

"Words, words, words."

It was clear that he was not going to give anything away, and at that moment that even seemed to stretch to his reading material. Sighing Remus leant back a bit. How was it possible that Severus stared at him with his usual contempt now when they had actually been rather close to ripping of their clothes the last time they saw each other? Sure, some days had passed and things had happened - but Remus trail of thoughts was interrupted.

"As you don't seem to fancy leaving anytime soon, what can I actually do for you?"

It would have been a scathing remark, but the horrible condition of Severus' voice took a lot away from his natural authority. And speaking was painful to him, as Remus realized.

"This and that. What happened to your voice?"

The creases in Severus' forehead didn't vanish, but he seemed to resign himself to the fact that Remus wouldn't go anywhere anytime soon.

"Healing sleep. Mind you there are spells to prevent this, but - " His sentence was left unfinished as the last words of the sentence drowned in a terrifying coughing fit that bend him over forwards. For a second Remus thought he would simply choke, and as fast as his own complaining body allowed for it he moved from the chair towards the bed.

"Can I help?"

With his face covered with his free left hand Severus shock his head vehemently, but at the same time reached out for the water glass on the nightstand. Automatically Remus moved, and placed the glass in the outstretched hand. It took the entire glass until Severus had regained control over his breathing. Rubbing his face with strangely slow motions he straightened his back and without looking carefully returned the glass to the nightstand.

Remus stood by the bed glancing down, feeling utterly helpless. Finally he returned back to his chair just as Severus sat back against the pillows again after having deposited the glass on the nightstand. Pulling back his hand Remus noticed the faint trembling in the long fingers.

And something else. The gesture had felt familiar and Remus hadn't even thought about that. Someone stretched out their hand for something and it felt naturally to simply deliver the wanted item - a glass of water, a jar of marmalade, the wine bottle. But Remus had spent a considerable amount of time with Severus in the past weeks, and there was one thing he had grown used to: when Severus wanted something he reached out a hand, and the thing in question moved into his palm, commanded by invisible power.

But the water glass on the nightstand hadn't moved an inch.

"What the hell happened to you?"

Still somehow occupied with breathing normally Severus looked up. The contempt seemed gone from his face, replayed by nothing but deeply worn-out tiredness.

"I'm surprised Albus didn't tell you."

Remus shock his head, felt the pull in his muscles and winced involuntarily. He would remember this night for a while, that much was for sure, and his quick movements to hand over the water glass hadn't been helping. Maybe he should have gone to bed, after all. He felt Severus' gaze upon him.

"Full moon, you know."

It was a completely unnecessary explanation, and he didn't have to wait for the reply.

"As anyone in the castle and a ten mile radius is probably aware of. You should cast a sound protection spell next time."

Remus surpressed the angry reply with some internal struggle. He had no clue if Severus was already aware of the Wolfsbane Experiment, and if he wasn't Remus for sure wasn't going to be the one who would tell him. That was something he'd leave to Albus, thankyouverymuch. The headmaster had far less trouble withstanding Severus wrath then Remus did - although at the moment it was far more likely that Severus would choke on his own words before he could do any harm. An image that Remus was sure would make plenty of people very happy.

"Now don't try to distract me, it's not going to work. What happened? You weren't this run down when I saw you the last time."

The remark earned Remus a seething glance, but before Severus could say anything the door swung open and Albus Dumbledore marched into the room. Dressed in bright pink robes with light green lining he carried a fresh glass of water and a vial, and beamed brightly. While inwardly cursing the impeccable timing the headmaster showed as ever Remus tried his best to smile. Severus looked decidedly disturbed that someone else simply waltzed into his current living space without knocking and tried to cross his arms in front of his chest. He failed immediately as the intravenous drip came into the way. So he dropped his hands uselessly on the blanket, and apparently decided to give growling another try.

"Has nobody any manners in this castle? Knock, for Merlin's sake."

Still smiling a bit too brightly for Remus' taste Albus stopped at the foot of the bed.

"Good morning, Severus, isn't it a splendid day? Hello Remus, good to see you. You look good, taken last night into consideration."

Slightly amused Remus nodded. But Severus wasn't done.

"I mean it when I say you should knock, Albus."

There was a hint of frustration in his voice Remus hadn't heard before. But Albus simply shock his head and clicked his tongue.

"Don't be fussy, Severus, please."

But Severus had decided on being fussy, at least as much as he could.

"This is not a bloody zoo. Or shall I sell tickets? Put a price for the eyeing of my scars?"

Now Albus was visibly trying not to laugh. He moved around the bed and sat down on it, taking up the space between Remus and Severus. Draping his lightweight robes around him he carefully deposited the water glass and vial on the nightstand.

Severus followed the gesture, and something in his face told Remus that the vial wasn't what he had wanted to see. Albus nodded to Remus and turned again.

"Now now, calm down. I think you've read too many books, you start to sound almost like a poet sometimes. And what are you reading now?"

He glanced at the book lying on the covers, and picked it up without being asked to do so. Severus' lips turned into a thin line, but he remained calm. Albus turned the book around in his hand and flipped it open.

"Dante? That's what you call easy reading?"

Shrugging Severus held out a hand, but Albus had opened the first page and started to read. Then he looked up.

"Midway upon the journey of our life I found myself within a forest dark - you've read it before, I gather?"

Closing the book he returned it to Severus who placed it on the covers in a careful movement and looked down at it for a moment.

"For the straight pathway had been lost. Of course I have. But you're not here to discuss thirteenth century Italian literature with me."

Albus nodded, and looked at Remus once more. Pushing aside the strange feeling of jealousy - Severus hadn't told him what he'd been reading, after all - Remus made motions to get up.

"I should leave, yes. I'll see you both later."

But Albus motioned for him to remain seated.

"Actually no. You would do us a favour if you stayed. You'd be needed for what I have to do. If you have time, that is."

Surprised and utterly clueless to what Albus wanted to do Remus sank back down unto the chair.

"I think I do. I didn't want to work anyway this morning. Still pretty tired from last night, and, well." He raised his hands to mention his injuries without finding words. Albus gave him a pitying glance he could have done without and turned around again.

"Fine. Severus, are you alright with Remus staying as a witness? As he's here already. Usually I would have asked Minerva, but - "

Severus simply shock his head and shrugged.

"No, if he agrees with it."

Now Remus had enough.

"I do, but could you enlighten me as to what's supposed to happen that I have to stay and see or participate in? You see, giving consent before one knows what's going to happen is rather unusual."

For a moment Albus and Severus simply looked at each other. Then Severus nodded slowly.

"I'm surprised you didn't tell him already, as you seem to run around talking about me a lot lately."

The smile flashing over Albus' face was genuine and not even remotely guilty. "You'll thank me later."

Severus snorted ungracefully.

"I wouldn't be too sure about that." Then he turned to Remus again. "Ask your question."

Confused Remus stared back, feeling just the slightest bit like a student in an examination. Wasn't he supposed to to someone a favour by staying?

"What? Uhm, okay. What happened to you?"

He wasn't quite sure what that was leading to now, but Albus and Severus together in a room always had that impression on him. But apparently he had found the right question. Severus nodded solemnly, and then flashed Remus a strange crooked smile that Remus had no clue how to interpret. Albus' glance wasn't approving.

"I have no idea."

The realisation made Remus stare, involuntarily with his mouth hanging open for a second before he remember to close it. That was bad, right? Really bad.

"Does that mean - how come you have no idea? How's that possible?"

Severus shrugged, and Albus suddenly looked strangely sad before the ubiquitous smile appeared again on his face.

"That means that there's a hole in my memory the size of the past few days."

Remus noticed the tight control barely audible in Severus' hoarse voice and finally picked up on the fact that the man was scared to death underneath the demeanour of cool carelessness. If he had no clue what he had done in the past days he might have done anything. But what if he had betrayed someone? Or them all? Or - Remus' mind raced with the possibilities, each one more horrifying than the first.

"Oh shit."

He hadn't meant to say it, but now it was out and he didn't feel bad about it. Severus nodded solemnly.

"I'd agree."

Albus cleared his throat. "Furthermore it means we have no clue what happened to him."

Severus sighed. "Or where my wand is. Or my cloak."

That was the next piece of information Remus could have lived without. He hadn't noticed it before because Severus rarely kept his wand in sight, and being proficient with wandless magic meant he rarely used it. Thinking back Remus had only seen it once or twice this summer, and one time had been in the Opium Den where the wand had found a new home next to his own in his robes. That it hadn't been in sight in the hospital wing room hadn't been a bad sign. Until now.

"Wait, but how did you get back?"

Once more Albus answered.

"We don't know, Remus. We found him in the forest, without any outward sign of his Death Eater robes, unconscious and without his wand. That's all the information we have."

Putting the pieces together wasn't quite nice, and it didn't lend to a satisfying answer anyway. So someone must have dropped Severus off, in the woods, after removing his Death Eater regalia and taking his wand. But why?

"Does that make sense?"

Apparently Remus reasoning wasn't entirely off, and Severus rewarded his thought process with a nod.

"It doesn't, which is the point."

Nodding silently Remus leant back. That was bad, obviously.

"We've been waiting for two days for Severus' memory to return, but nothing happened. There is hardly anything we can do about that, but there are certain precautions I, being the Head of the Order, must take to guarantee our safety."

Albus picked the vial up from the nightstand and held it up.

"One, although it's a rather unfortunate assumption, is that I have to eliminate any doubt about the fact that Severus says the truth."

Remus almost snorted. Was Albus serious about that?

"That can't be your - " But Severus interrupted him, still being able to cut Remus off without much effort.

"Whatever you're thinking, it is wrong. You should be aware that there is responsibility on Albus' shoulders. He cannot tolerate to have the security of the order members jeopardised, as you should be aware of. This is basic protocol."

There was some logic behind it, but Remus couldn't stop himself feeling betrayed on Severus' behalf.

"And how is he doing that?"

Once again Albus held up the vial.

"It's a two step interrogation process. The first is a routine questioning using Veritasserum to exclude any chance that Severus can lie to me. The second is a more subtle check involving Legilimency."

Remus wasn't sure whether that much effort was really necessary. Clearly they would all be dead if Severus had unwillingly told any secrets. But Albus seemed determined, and Severus apparently had resigned himself to the situation.

"But Veritasserum - isn't it hardly reliable? And I think I remember it could be blocked using Occlumency."

Duly agreeing Severus nodded. "Correct on both points. Here's the catch: there are different grades of Veritasserum. It's very difficult to make, and varies in strength depending on the one making it. This one is entirely pure and highly efficient, a grade of quality the ministry never uses as it's not sold on the market. But it is true that the responded can only say what he or she thinks is true. Which isn't an issue in this case, because I'm clearly not insane and all Albus wants to know is whether I withhold information."

Once more pure logic, and Remus had to agree. He also made an internal note to read up on Veritasserum when he was back in his rooms and united with his books.

Albus picked up the lead.

"The whole endeavour is also very useful to be used if the ministry should ever show interest in Severus, which hopefully will never happen."

Severus didn't look very convinced.

"And what about the Occlumency?"

Sighing Severus rubbed his face. "Not right now, no."

He visibly wasn't happy to admit to the weakness, but Remus had already thought about it. It had been to obvious when he hadn't used magic to call the water glass to him.

"Alright. And what am I supposed to do in this situation? Be there so that if the Ministry accuses Severus of anything I can prove he has been questioned?"

Albus carefully loosened the cork on the vial and leant over to the water glass on the nightstand. Severus divided his concentration between watching him and answering Remus.

"No. You really know nothing about Veritasserum."

Now annoyed Remus attempted to cross his arms in front of his chest without hurting his hands. He succeed almost.

"How would I? Your lessons didn't quite cover it."

Albus, done with administering three drops of the clear liquid from the vial to the glass, returned the cork onto the vial and put the vial on the table. Then he picked up the glass and handed it to Severus.

"You're here to protect Severus, actually. Repondents under influence of Veritassserum are very vulnerable. If asked correctly they can give away almost anything. And they are easily manipulated, it's almost like an Imperio-Potion if used correctly."

Severus looked at the glass, not showing a single sign of being nervous. Remus, on the other hand, was surprised.

"Thought everything depends on the intelligence of the interrogator, of course."

Albus pretended to be hurt.

"Are you doubting me?"

Whatever Severus answer was, it was almost inaudible. Then he emptied the water glass, handed it back to Albus and leant against his pillows.

"Fine. Ask me."

Albus deposited the empty glass on the nightstand.

"Let's have a few questions to see how long it takes till the potion takes it's effect. What's your name?"

Severus pulled a face. "None of your business."

"Where did you study?"

There was no time to think, but apparently both enjoyed the banter.

"Somewhere in the East."

Albus smiled. "That was almost right. What subject do you teach?"

"Torture 101."

Now even Remus couldn't help but smile. "Does that mean you torture your students or your students torture you?"

"Both, probably."

Albus interrupted. "I wouldn't be too sure. What's your house?"

"Huf -" Severus stopped in the middle of the word and grimassed. "Hu-" He tried again, but he couldn't say it. "Oh bloody fucking hell. Slytherin, of course."

Shaking his head Albus checked his pocketwatch. "That was fast, though I must say I disapprove of you always cursing when under Veritasserum. Highest grade of possible purity, it seems."

Severus looked strangely smug for a professional liar who'd just taken a potion that prevented him from lying.

"What can I say? I'm a damn fine genius."

Shaking his head Albus slapped his arm lightly.

"Delusions of grandeur, again. Well."

And then he launched into a quick and fast cross-hearing, asking question after question, giving Severus minimal time to think and immediately demanding an answer if he took a second too long. It was more than obvious that Albus had done that before, probably more often then Remus could imagine.

Severus answered duly, but it quickly became clear that he was indeed telling the truth: he had no idea what had happened. Dutifully he recounted how he had apparated to an unspecified room in a manor somewhere in South England where Voldemort had been awaiting him. After handing over his information He-Who-Was-A-Bastard had kept him around, asking for this and that.

For Remus the interrogation was highly educating. He hadn't known before that Voldemort liked to keep certain Death Eater around, using them as short-time companions or, mildly put, toys to chase away his boredom when no attack was imminent and he had nothing to do but ponder the fact that he hadn't gained world domination yet.

It had been one of these scenarios, apparently. In painful detail Severus described how he had stayed in the manor for two days, running small errands for Voldemort, but doing nothing in particular beyond serving as a conversational partner. With growing unease Remus listened to the description of the cold darkness of the rooms, even in the mid of summer, and how Voldemort had placed small hints that he was looking for something he was disappointed Severus hadn't delivered yet. There was talk about potions, mainly, and some Dark Arts even Remus hadn't heard about.

Finally, on the third day, Voldemort had been in a bad mood. Calling various other Death Eaters, some of whom Severus could name, he had giving a little speech declaring that he was unhappy with their current situation and chastised his followers for their idleness. Chastise in the case meant bestowing generous amounts of Cruciatus combined with a variety of lesser known nasty curses upon them.

From then on things became more blurred. Severus was halfway certain that at some point the others had been ordered to leave, while he was kept behind, resigning into his fate to being the toy du jour. And he was. Remus cringed at the descriptions of nothing but torture unleashed upon him, various uses of Legilimency and more Cruciatus then Remus had ever thought a man could take.

It fascinated Remus how calmly Severus told the story, without hesitating once. And more: that he even had words for his suffering. So many things felt familiar to Remus - "I fell to the ground. My collarbone broke, though I can't say if the second rupture happened right there or later" - things he had experienced as well. A body being torn apart, the world dissolving into nothing more than hot blinding pain and finally a merciful darkness and emptiness. But Remus had never spoken about it. It hadn't been necessary, especially not later on when his friends had been in the shack with him. They knew because they had seen, and Remus never had to put into words what he experienced. And other people weren't likely to ask. After all Lycanthropy and it's rather gruesome reality didn't rank quite high when it came to dinnertable conversation.

But apparently Severus had some experience with communicating what he did and what was done to him. Remus wasn't sure if it had anything to do with the Veritasserum or more with an inherent literacy the bibliophile potionsmaster possessed. But Severus spoke without searching for words even once. He had a broad vocabulary covering all types of pain, all possible variations of torture, all body parts that could be torn apart and damaged. He spoke neutrally and detached. There was no sentiment in his report. He could have been talking about someone entirely else falling to the ground, kneeling for hours on cold stone floors until every joint hurt. Just another person, maybe a distant acquaintance being thrown against a wall and feeling a rib breaking. Fighting for air. And the Cruciatus, again and again, until every nerve screamed for the final mercy of death or unconsciousness.

And then there finally had been a breaking point, and all Severus remembered was lying on the cold stone floor and watching his world slowly fade to black.

"And then?"

Apparently unfazed Albus pressed on, but Severus shock his head.

"I don't - I can't say. I woke up, I think, once, but all I remember are bed covers and a blurry vision of someone. Pain, of course. I don't know."

And finally there was something else in Severus coarse and pained voice. There was a new edge of desperation. He wanted to remember, it was clear, and it terrified him that he couldn't.

For Albus it was enough to break his role of stern interrogator and assuringly put a hand on Severus' bony shoulders. To Remus surprise he didn't object.

"It's will be alright, stay calm. Do you remember something besides that, anything?"

Concentrating with closed eyes for a moment Severus finally shock his head.

"No. That has never happened before, I don't know - "

He seemed to choke up, but managed to keep control. Albus kept his hand firmly in place.

"It's fine. So far I think we're safe."

But Severus only laughed bitterly, having regained his firm grip on himself.

"Don't lie, please. We're not, and we'll never be. But it will not matter." He took a deep breath. "Continue. I'm feeling rather tired."

He for sure looked it. Whatever energy had still been around him when Albus started the interrogation was slowly fading away. The Veritasserum took it's toll on his strength - either that or the act of answering Albus' questions and revisiting the events of the past days. Carefully rearranging his body he pulled his knees up and rested his hands on them. Albus sighed.

"Well, I don't think we will get further than this. Obviously you do not remember, there's no point pressuring you further. Although I rather wonder how you lost your wand. Did you still have it when you lost consciousness?"

This time he gave Severus some time to think, and Remus could almost see the thought process. The Veritasserum seemed to have taken not only Severus' ability to lie but also his chance to hide his emotions behind a facade of being detached from his surroundings.

"I did, I recall using it a few hours before that. It must have been in my cloak."

Albus sighed. "I thought so. But we found you without the cloak. You didn't have your mask or gloves, either."

"You said so. That worries me most, to be honest. It seems so obviously to be a message, but I cannot decode it. There is no applicable logic that makes it plausible that the Dark Lord found me out and simply decided to send me back. It wouldn't do, a traitor has to be eliminated to state an example. Especially someone in my position. There has never been a traitor in the Inner Circle before, but I've attended plenty of executions on lower ranked ones."

That was news to Remus.

"There are - or rather were - others like you?"

Both man turned towards him, Albus surprised and maybe a bit annoyed. But Severus couldn't help but answer.

"Of course. The ministry tried various times to place spies among Voldemort's ranks, but nobody ever survived long. And these men never managed to rise through the ranks, so their information wasn't vital. They haven't tried lately. I guess the risk is too high. Or they didn't find volunteers for suicide missions, who knows."

Gently but firmly Albus directed Severus' attention back to himself.

"That is enough for now, I think. Thank you, Remus. I'd like to continue to the second part of this."

Remus had never thought that Severus could turn even more pale than he already was. But he did, not being able to hide his obvious discomfort. Then he nodded.

"Do what you have to."

Unsure of what was going to happen Remus cleared his throat. Albus threw him a quick glance, but then complied.

"The second part of an interrogation consists of the use of Legilimency. But there's no need for Severus to look that scared. I just want to see if there's any damage done to his mind."

Severus took the opportunity to discreetly cough into his elbow. When he had enough air again to speak he sounded even worse than before.

"I do believe there's more than enough need for me to look scared. If I liked people taking walks in my mind I wouldn't have invested all those hours in becoming proficient in Occlumency."

Albus simply rolled his eyes. "Will you ever believe that I actually mean well?"

"Not until you have proven it without restrictions. Don't be ridiculous, Albus. Every man on earth works for himself. Voldemort does, I do, and you do, too. You play the saintly godfather well, but I do know better. And now please cast your bloody legilimens so we can get this over with."

Apparently that was more truth than Albus had wanted to hear. His lips a thin line he nodded, carefully clearing his face of any emotions he might have felt. It was that moment that Remus suddenly asked himself if Severus was right. Or not, and how it must feel for Albus to be rejected again and again.

"Fine. Look at me. And don't try to resist, please. I don't want to break through any occlumentic barriers, there's no point in fighting over this."

Severus nodded, looking straight at Albus. They seemed to stare at each other completely unmoving. There was nothing in Albus' face but the same continuous small smile Remus had seen countless times. Severus' face was stern, but otherwise void of emotions. Remus wondered if he would see anything, or feel any kind of magic. But nothing happened. It was only after a good five minutes that Severus suddenly winced visibly and drew a sharp breath. As if pulled on strings Albus reached out and took hold of his shoulder again, this time exercising a firm grip and keeping Severus precisely where he was and unmoving.

And then nothing happened. As Remus had seen countless times before there was nothing to see and nothing for him to do. So he leant back in the comfortable chair, dropped his head against the headrest and closed his eyes. The soft summer breeze in the room and complete silence quickly lulled him into a state of almost-sleep, his mind drifting off easily.

He wasn't sure how long he had been sitting like this when he suddenly heard Albus' soft voice. Something told him to remain unmoving, keeping his eyes closed and for all the world looking as if he were deep asleep.

"How long have you known this would happen?"

It took a long time for Severus to answer, and his voice was barely audible this time.

"Years."

"And when did you feel first signs?"

"Maybe two years ago."

Severus had to cough before he could continue speaking, but it was clear that every word caused him even more pain now. Remus kept his eyes firmly closed, listening to their voices and imagining their faces.

"Why didn't you tell us? Me? Anyone? We could have done something. There was no need to let it get to this."

The disappointment seeped into Albus' voice easily.

"Nothing you or anyone could have done. It was bound to happen. I don't complain."

For a short moment there was silence.

"You didn't even let us try. I must say I'm a bit disappointed. Or are you trying to commit a slow suicide?"

Severus' bitter laughter quickly turned into a coughing fit.

"He that is without sin among you let him cast the first stone. But I must tell you I'm not a masochist. If I had wanted to die there would have been less tedious ways. But why am I telling you - you know these things."

The following silence was long drawn and Remus wondered if both men had returned to using Legilimency to continue their discussion without being overheard. The only thing audible from time to time was Severus' coughing turning more and more regular. It seemed that all the talking had added to damage of his voice. Finally it was Albus who spoke again.

"You might not be trying to kill yourself, but I think we're both aware of your current condition. So let me inform you that you will cooperate with Poppy and me, and that we will get you back upon your feet again. This is not over yet. Not for you, in any case. You're still needed, and if you want it or not there are things you must do. You cannot leave now. It's far too early."

Albus was still speaking gently, sounding soft and friendly. But it was clear that he was not worried or requesting anything. He was giving orders and didn't even bother to sound authoritative. There was no space for questioning him and Remus wondered how exactly Albus had gained the power to simply order Severus around like that.

"And they still believe you're just a friendly old wizard."

Laughing softly Albus' voice regained it's usual cheer.

"Because I am. But in the end we all do what we have to do. I just wish I could give you more reasons to live than a simple order. Hope, maybe."

Severus' answer drowned in another coughing fit. From the sounds in the room, the moving of blankets and the soft rustle of fabric Remus picked up that Albus' must have put a hand on Severus' back, maybe keeping him stable during his coughing fits.

"Oh, don't. I know you don't believe we will ever come out of this, that there will be an end. But there will be, for all of us."

There was silence for a moment.

"There will only be death."

Albus softly sighed.

"Do you believe that, truly? Can you not see any light, have any hope?"

This time the silence was long. Then Severus' answer came hushed, as if it had been uttered from far away.

"No."

Severus didn't elaborate. It was already a finite answer. There was nothing left to say. Remus gulped down something he knew he couldn't say anyway and carefully opened his eyes. Stretching softly he yawned behind his bandaged hand and made a few motions to indicate that he had only woken up. Albus smiled at him, sadness almost tangible behind his bright blue eyes. Severus sat on the bed, bent forward, his arms folded over his knees and his head resting upon them. He looked exhausted, even with his eyes closed. As Remus had rightfully predicted one of Albus' hands was softly placed on Severus' protruding shoulder blades.

"Good morning, Remus. Did the sleepless night catch up on you?"

Yawning again Remus nodded.

"I fear. Apologies for simply falling asleep. I think I failed terribly as a witness."

Still smiling Albus shock his head.

"Oh no, you did well. Thank you. But I think we should leave Severus alone now and give him some time to relax."

Nodding Remus got up from his chair, feeling his joints protest. Nodding once more in Albus direction he walked out of the room and softly closed the door behind him, not surprised in the slightest when Albus remained seated and didn't follow him out. Severus didn't look up or open his eyes.

Slowly walking Remus left the Hospital Wing behind him and climbed the stairs back to his own rooms. He wished for a hot bath to relax his tense body, but his injured hands wouldn't take well to the water. Even a short shower seemed out of question. So when he returned to his own bathroom he made do with a wet cloth and a brush through his hair before stretching on his sofa.

With his eyes fixed to the ceiling he waited for his exhaustion to take him over and guide him into sleep. But his mind was still wandering. He was glad to have seen Severus awake again and returning from his state of almost-dead. But then the questions they had hadn't been answered in the slightest. Everything seemed more confusing than before. And there was still the issue with the Wolfsbane. Where had they made the mistake?

Time was running through their hands. The new term was only two weeks away. Conferences and preparations would being in the next days. Whatever way Remus turned it summer was almost over. But their ground seemed more unstable than before with more unknown factors in their calculations springing up everywhere.

Silently worrying Remus finally feel asleep. But even in his uneasy dreams he was still wondering and wondering and dreaming of the full moon finally crushing him for good.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 26/2/2015

_Words, words, words - Hamlet's answer to Polonius asking him "What do you read, my Lord?" Hamlet Act 2, Scene 2, 175_

_Put a price for the eying of my scars? - originally "For the eying of my scars there is a charge", Sylvia Plath from her poem "Lady Lazarus"_

_Midway upon the journey of our life _  
_ I found myself within a forest dark, _  
_ For the straightforward pathway had been lost - Dante, Divine Comedy, Inferno 1,1 (transl. Longfellow). I usually perfer the Mandelbaum translation, but in this case Longfellow felt better used in the regular speechpatterns of the chapter. I considered using the very beautiful original italian, but it seemed unfitting for the conversation.  
_


	23. A kindness you cannot afford

**A kindness you cannot afford**

Remus awoke confused from unclear dreams but much more relaxed than he had been before. He lay for a minute longer on his comfortable couch, feeling the soft summer breeze coming in from the opened window and then stretched carefully. His body was slowly recovering from the night. The improvement was minuscule, but as he stretched he felt a few joints less screaming at the nights' torture.

Slowly he sat up and glanced at the clock. He had slept for a few hours and the hands on the dial pointed to five o'clock in the afternoon. His stomach reminded him of the lack of food, growling and then gurgling far too loud. Rubbing his neck and stretching once more, now making sure to properly roll his shoulders and flex his neck Remus decided on his course of action.

A clap of his hands later a houseelf appeared, and a few minutes after that a tray with perfect sandwiches, a fruit bowl, a plate of biscuits and a jug of fresh lemonade stood on Remus' coffee table. He had no intention to force himself out of his rooms anytime soon and indulged in his tea time meal while slouching back and enjoying the calm of the afternoon.

After he had polished off a remarkable amount of sandwiches, half of a fruit bowl and two biscuits washed down with lemonade and tea he reminded himself of having to attend dinner the same day and forced the tempting idea of ordering more food away.

Instead he pushed himself off from his couch. His hands had started to tingle and itch under the bandages, and he remembered Poppy's call to return to her the same afternoon to have them treated once more.

Whistling softly he wandered down the stairs through the castle. Already he saw the first signs of the new year - houseleves polishing corners and stairways, throwing open the windows to let the summer wind in once more. His teaching robes had just returned from the laundry, perfectly pressed and awaiting the new term in his wardrobe while smelling faintly of the omnipresent lavender.

He met nobody on his way down and finally reached the Hospital Wing to find it empty as well. But on Poppy's desk there was a carafe with water and a half-full glass together with her papers and reading glasses, and Remus knew he simply had to wait a few minutes until she would reappear again. He considered sitting down on one of the beds, but instead moved on towards the small corridor leading to Severus' private room. He wasn't even halfway down the corridor when the door to the room opened and Poppy herself came out.

She carried a tray laden with a used syringe and two empty vials, looking more harrowed than she had this morning, although she smiled upon seeing Remus. Closing the door behind her Remus didn't have enough time to throw a glance into the room. But he caught a whiff of the air coming from the small private chambers, and couldn't help wrinkling his nose at the scent of blood, sweat and vomit.

Poppy noticed his face and shock her head.

"I feel a lot like blaming you, but I know I shouldn't. You're here because of your hands, I gather?"

Confused Remus shock his head but at the same time presented his hands. She brushed past him and turning on his heel he followed her back into the main room, sitting down on one of the beds when she shooed him into it's general direction.

"I'm not sure what you mean. What happened?"

Disposing her tray on a small cart and quickly washing her hands Poppy returned and cast a glance at Remus' hands.

"I forgot the salve. Wait a moment."

Locating the right jar on her desk took a minute, and when she returned Remus saw the deep lines and signs of tiredness in her face. Carefully screwing the lid off she placed the jar on the bedside table and started to undo the bandages keeping Remus' injured hands clean. As soon as they were undone she carefully set them aside, dipped her own hands into the jar and started to massage the healing salve into Remus' tortured skin. Finally she sighed.

"Apologies, Remus, there was no need for me to snap at you. I'm sometimes just annoyed at how easily Albus thinks everything should work. I worry that he doesn't grasp the severity of the situation."

Nodding Remus watched her treat him.

"What happened? Is Severus all right?"

She sighed again, and picked up fresh bandages from the side table, busying herself with the wrapping of Remus' hands.

"He had a seizure or a flare up, I can't yet determine. It's the strangest thing, nothing I've ever seen before. But then cases with extended Cruciatus damage are really rare, you know, people tend to die before they ever reach this stage. I'm very sure that the overexertion was the trigger, and I fully blame Albus for not being careful enough."

She finished with Remus' right hand and turned to his left one.

"Really, he should have known better. But you were there, too. Did you not notice how tired he was? We all know that Severus would rather drop dead then admit that he doesn't have the strength anymore to continue - but that only means we have to be more careful."

For a short moment she glared at the bandages, but the caught herself and shock her head.

"But then I do know it's not your fault. I'm simply - " She paused for a brief moment with speaking while securing the bandage completely.

" - I worry, Remus, too much maybe. It was a close call. I did what I could, but if this continues I won't have the capacity to care for him anymore. And what are we going to do then? I don't know."

She patted his fingers.

"Your hands will be perfectly fine tomorrow so you can finally take a good long shower."

The embarrassment was fleeting, but Remus hoped that he didn't have to worry about smelling bad judging from her comment. Her face in any case betrayed nothing.

"I will, thank you."

He pushed himself off the bed.

"So I shouldn't visit Severus now, I gather?"

She was already busy with gathering her supplies again.

"You could, but he's out like a light. Nothing I could do but knock him into unconsciousness. I'm almost at my wit's end, Remus. Something has to happen, but I don't know what."

The sadness in her voice and realisation that she meant it terrified Remus for a moment and he searched for words to reassure her that things would be fine. But nothing came into his mind that would have worked short of blatantly lying, and they were all done with that. It wouldn't help, after all.

"Something will come up, Poppy."

Her stare gave away that she was unconvinced.

"I do hope you're right. Now go, and eat something. I will join you at the table soon."

That was as close as she would get to dismiss Remus, and he took the order and made his way out of the Hospital Wing. But it seemed as if the subtle scents from the Hospital Wing accompanied him downstairs to the Orchard, and it took the soft wind a few minutes to carry away the lingering smell of blood and sweat.

So the Cruciatius did even more than simply inflict pain on it's victim while it was cast. Remus hadn't known that the curse could linger in a body and reappear, causing more damage, wrecking more havoc. But even before he entered the Orchard he understood that he should have known, because he had seen it.

A few weeks ago, at night, when he had encountered Severus in the remote corridor. What had then been a strange occurrence now made sense. Severus must have been wandering the corridors and grounds when, maybe even suddenly, the curse had ghosted through his body, forcing him to pause on the window sill and wait the worst out.

Remus wondered why he hadn't thought of it before. Briefly he toyed with the question of what had been in the vial he had collected from Severus' lab that night and which still rested empty in Remus' own shelves - but then he arrived at the orchard and found the table already occupied.

More and more faculty members returned from their vacations, and that night's dinner became another chance to swap holiday stories and exchange plans for the new year. With Filius Flitwicks' return the last Head of House was present in the castle, and after the first appetizer had been demolished Albus announced the first round of conferences for the four Heads of Houses to start the afternoon of the next day with regular faculty meetings starting the day after that. Remus briefly wondered how long everybody would buy into the explanation that Severus wasn't feeling too well recently because of a harsh bound of influenza. Poppy shot Albus a disapproving quick glance, but nobody else seemed to notice her disdain or miss Severus at all.

But then Remus wasn't surprised. Two month ago he himself wouldn't have missed Severus either, given that his absence at any kind of social event wasn't quite out of the ordinary.

That didn't help with Poppy's warnings from the same afternoon echoing through Remus' head, and it took a long time until the relaxed mood of the summer night seeped back into him and eased his worried mind. Things cleared up remarkably when Sirius appeared and, after being asked in private, assured Remus that he didn't not smell, or at least not too terribly.

The next morning Remus' slept late after not having been too willing to reactivate his alarm clock before the new term was even in his range of sight. The injuries in his hands seemed completely healed, and he indulged into a long and hot shower, feeling the tension slowly seeping out of his muscles. He used twice the necessary amount of soap and washed his hair as thoroughly as possibly, just to make sure that now indeed there was no way he would smell of anything but the rather ordinary muggle shampoo he used. The psychology behind his cleaning orgy was evident to him, though, and he chided himself while combing his hair for still falling prey to the notion that being clean was a human trait. He couldn't wash off the wolf, of course, but that didn't mean he couldn't at least try sometimes.

Breakfast was a quick thing that day, and since everybody had enough work nobody took the time to linger. Not even an hour after he had taken a seat at the table Remus was on his way back up the stairs.

He kept up taking two stairs at a time when suddenly the staircase shuddered under his feet and he managed just in time to cling to the stone railing as it swung around and deposited him in an entirely different part of the castle. He quickly considered using a fair blast of magic to subdue the unruly architecture, but then committed himself to his fate and took the long walk back avoiding the stairs as much as possible.

The unwanted detour also had the benefit that now his path led him past the Hospital Wing, and without even trying to find an excuse he simply walked into the large room. Poppy was nowhere in sight, but he heard voices down the corridor towards Severus' private room and followed them taking their presence for a good sign.

It wasn't until he pushed the only halfway closed door fully open that he realised he had walked into a shouting match between Albus and the very disgruntled potionsmaster.

"I can't believe you - wait! You!"

Instinctively raising his hands, palms turned out in the universal gesture for being unarmed and defeated Remus slowly backed up again.

"I didn't want to interrupt. I'll see you later."

But Severus' bony pointed index finger had different plans, stabbing the air frantically. He sat upright in his bed, still half-dead and pale but visibly agitated, his voice louder than the day before but no less painfully hoarse. The drip had obviously been removed from his hand and nothing but a large band-aid remained.

"No you won't."

Remus threw a questioning glance at Albus, who sat in the armchair and simply mouthed 'Wolfsbane' across the room. Sighing and inwardly cursing his own sense for timing Remus tried to smile.

"Good morning, Severus. I see you're a bit more alive than you were yesterday."

Scowling Severus repeated his gesture of stabbing the air.

"Don't you dare good-morning me, Lupin. Whose idea was that? Yours? Have you lost all sense of reality? Are you both crazy?"

Still trying to keep his smile firmly in place Remus nodded in Albus' general direction.

"I see Albus told you about the experiment."

That seemed to push Severus over the brink of his self-control.

"Experiment! That was no experiment, that was half-crazed idiocy. You could have blown the entire castle up! Killed both of you!"

Throwing both of his bony hands up he turned to Albus.

"And don't you dare smiling! He - " Severus carelessly waved into Remus' direction " - doesn't know anything, of course. But you! Using my lab! Without my permission! If you weren't the Master of the whole bloody Guild I would seriously consider reporting you. Why do you come up with these damn rules if you don't keep to them yourself?"

Remus couldn't help but be impressed with Severus' newfound ability to croak that many sentences without falling prey to a prolonged coughing fit. Albus seemed to think along the same lines.

"Now, please, Severus, calm down and - "

But Severus wasn't done.

"Calm down? Have you lost your mind? Playing with a Hyle-based potion! Without proper security spells or enough expertise to even understand what is happening! Did you even realise how dangerous that was? You could have killed Remus!"

Remus and Albus simultaneously opened their mouth to say something. But before either of them managed to utter even a sentence a sudden plop sounded and a houseelf, clad into a violet sock and a blue kitchen-towel stood in the room.

"What now?"

The creature flinched at Severus' bellowing and turned to Albus.

"Headmaster, Nassy was ordered to report that Member of the Board Lucius Malfoy is at the gates. He says he has appointment with Professor Snape."

The elf cast a quick glance at Severus, but obviously decided that it would be safer to stick to Albus.

"Thank you. Please inform him that we will see him here in about five minutes and accompany him up."

The house elf nodded, cast another terrified glance in Severus' direction and disappeared. Stunned Severus stared at Albus, his wrath having been replaced by unfeigned surprise.

"How come you didn't tell me?"

Albus shrugged.

"Because I didn't know. How unusual. You did not receive any note?"

Severus shock his head, but Remus suddenly remembered something and felt the quick impulse to bury his head in his hands. The owl. Shit.

"I think he might have."

Both men turned to face Remus.

"When I was in Severus' private quarters an owl delivered a note. I didn't look at it, thinking it was none of my business, and placed it on the desk. I guess I should have taken it it to Albus?"

Albus nodded, looking carefully neutral, while Severus' face was a perfect mixture of utter horror and the knowledge that he would have to surrender to the cretinism around him one day.

"You were where?"

Remus cleared his throat.

"Albus gave me the temporary password. I retrieved the notebooks, but otherwise I touched nothing."

In a slow owl-like motion Severus turned his head towards Albus.

"You did what?"

Albus raised his hands.

"I accept that you might want my head for this, but please refrain from croaking at me again. If Lucius Malfoy is here and wants to see you we should consider this a perfect chance to find out what really happened and if he had a hand in it. Could you do it?"

Severus face betrayed that he wasn't happy with the idea, but he only sighed, looked to the ceiling for a moment and then nodded.

"Of course. Though I need you to replace the illusion charm." He rubbed his forehead. "Lucius can't see me like this. It won't do."

Albus nodded in agreement, and transferred himself from his chair onto the bed. Reaching out he touched Severus' face slightly, just skimming his cheekbones with a finger, and seconds later Severus was covered by the charm he had worn all these month, looking for all in the world like his usual self, simply a bit more tired. Remus felt the pang in his stomach painfully. Gone were the deeply hollowed cheeks and his sunken eyes, the brittle look of his limbs and the omnipresent soft trembling of his fingers. He was thin, still, but his jawbones were far less prominent and his nose seemed strangely in proportion to his face - a concession Remus never thought he would make someday.

Albus dropped his hand to the blanket. But he didn't move for a moment, obviously just as fascinated with seeing Severus as his former self again as Remus was. It took Severus to clear his throat twice until both moved.

"You both need lessons in etiquette."

Albus nodded, smiled and got up from the bed. But whatever he wanted to say drowned in a sharp knock on the door, followed by it being opened completely and Lucius Malfoy in all his dark-cloaked authority stalking into the room.

He had obviously expected to find Severus on his own and now quickly rephrased his greetings. He nodded towards Albus, cast a disapproving glance at Remus' shorts and then faked a half-smile that would have made any sane person run for the hills.

"Good morning, Headmaster Dumbledore. Professor - " Remus title' sounded like utter sarcasm on Malfoy's lips, and Remus just managed to suppress the growl and nod back curtly. "- Severus."

Severus didn't even attempt to smile.

"Lucius."

A short moment of silence occurred, until Malfoy remembered what he wanted to say.

"Yes. I meant to speak to you. In private." He added the second sentence quickly, putting emphasize on the words. Albus nodded.

"Of course, Mr. Malfoy. We understand. Come, Remus, let us continue our discussion outside."

Quickly Remus nodded, and following Albus out of the room closed the door behind him. But his general idea of where 'outside' exactly might be was quickly turned around when Albus caught his sleeve and kept him firmly in place outside the door. A quick move of Albus' hand, and the door turned invisible, giving them both clear sight into the room.

Confused Remus stared at the headmaster, but he simply put a finger to his own lips indicating silence. So much for privacy, then.

Which was obviously what Malfoy was looking for. Remus saw him draw his wand through the invisible door, casting what clearly was a sound-proofing spell. They saw, but they couldn't hear. Remus wasn't surprised that it only took another swift handmotion from Albus to counteract the spell and they heard the final words of Severus' sentence.

" - come here?"

Lucius Malfoy was still standing in the middle of the room while Severus had moved on the bed, swinging his legs over the edge and sitting straight with his feed solidly on the ground. He was still barefoot, as he had been all the time, wearing the same clothing he had yesterday while replacing the t-shirt. From the position of the door Remus and Albus could only see his back, not his face. But they had a clear view on Lucius Malfoy staring down. Then he smiled diabolically.

"You didn't answer my owl, so I came to see myself. What an unexpected surprise to see you this - subdued."

The smile intensified, but there was something mocking in his voice.

"I did not receive your owl. Nothing you says makes any sense. You clearly need to read a dictionary if you're unclear of the meaning of the words you're using."

The eye-roll was almost audible in Severus' rebuke, but Malfoy seemed immune to these finer points of communication. He was there to talk, not to listen.

"Would you rather me calling you weak? Our loud and aggressive Severus, suddenly looking so meek. Did you scream yourself hoarse this time around? I wonder how you would cope entirely without your voice, it would make you far more agreeable."

Remus almost growled at the insult.

"Now don't give him ideas."

Malfoy laughed, brushing a strand of his perfectly groomed blonde hair back.

"Oh, I would. He'd sew your mouth shut if he didn't need it anymore. But he might no longer, after all. You look rather useless. And where has your wand gone to?"

The slightest movement next to Remus betrayed that Albus had been waiting for this while listening intently.

"Are you quite done now?"

It was astonishing how Severus still sounded calm, almost bored.

"Should I be? What a sight you make! I knew enough men who'd pay me well to have you given into their care like that."

Severus sighed, and then crooked his head slightly looking up to the still standing Malfoy.

"Fuck you, Lucius."

His voice was still calm, but even in it's still damaged state it had easily slipped into the soft register Severus used when he was at the end of his patience. And he decidedly was. Getting up from the bed he slowly crossed the room, Malfoy's eyes constantly clinging to his thin frame. Briefly Remus wondered if he had been up and walking before this instant at all, but it didn't look like it. His steps were slightly uneven and unsteady. And then, just before he reached Malfoy he seemed to stumble lightly.

But it was enough. Remus felt his own body move forward rather pointlessly. But inside the room Malfoy did just the same, reaching out and catching Severus', steadying him with one hand on his elbow and one around his back.

Then he realised his mistake, and Remus saw it in his face. But Severus already had what he wanted.

"I thought so. You're a fucking imbecile, Lucius. Sentimentality is finally getting the best of you, and now you're here to cover your tracks."

Lucius shock his head. But he seemed unable to remove his hands from Severus' body.

"Apparently the final fall hurt your head. I have no idea what you're talking about."

Severus laughed silently, a ghastly mocking sound.

"You are a bad liar."

In a slow movement Severus lifted a hand and trailed it down Lucius' chest, paying attention to the lapels of his coat, stroking the intricate buttons. Remus saw only his back and Malfoy's hand, now firmly holding on to Severus' t-shirt.

"You disobeyed your orders. He said dispose of him and you took me away, but you didn't kill me. You took me to your Manor and thought you could fix the damage. But you couldn't. Finally you panicked and dropped me off in the forest here. You betrayed him and he will not be pleased. Sentimentality, Lucius. It will kill you one day."

Severus' voice was but a coarse whisper, but the timbre was tempting and soft, and all the while he was speaking his hand moved over Malfoys chest, caressing lapels and fabric, finally slipping into the cloak. Remus felt uncomfortable.

"I thought you were dying."

Never ceasing the movement of his hand Severus hummed a response. Remus watched the long fingers undoing one button on Malfoy's shirt, then a second one and just when he felt the urgent need to turn away to not see anymore Severus' hand slipped further down and in a swift motion retrieved his own wand from the inside of Malfoy's jacket. He carelessly threw it on the bed behind him.

"You were supposed to make sure I would."

Malfoy cleared his throat and Severus suddenly stepped back, walked around him and sat down on the window sill. Stretching his legs in front of him he leant back against the stones, enabling Remus and Albus behind the invisible door to see his closed and unreadable face again. Malfoy stayed where he was for a minute, visible surprised about the sudden vanishing act and then turned around. Crossing the room he sat down in the reading chair Remus had occupied just the day before, arranged his complicated robes and crossed his legs. He didn't touch his shirt or made any motion to rebutton his collar.

"I didn't disobey him, what do you think of me? He never ordered me to kill you."

Now looking slightly surly Severus shock his head.

"And you know I won't believe you. Do you still smoke these terrible small cigars?"

Confused Malfoy shock his head, but reached into his pocket and produced a silver case.

"Of course I do."

He opened the top while Severus fumbled with the window's opening mechanism and finally pushed parts of it open, allowing in the warm air. Then he reached out and took a small brown cigar from the offered case, balancing it between two fingers.

"Lighten up, will you."

The case vanished again into Malfoys' pocket. Then he turned around, grunted something and waved a hand in the air. A small golden flame appeared above his thumb and he lightened the cigar.

"If you think that is a good idea."

Severus rolled his eyes and held the cigar into the dancing flame. In seconds it was lit, and he briefly sucked on it before he placed it between the fingers of his right hand, dangling it out of the window so the smoke would drift out of the room, just in the way fifteen year old-students who hadn't learnt the proper spells yet did. Like Sirius had done for a long time with Remus sitting next to him, in what seemed a universe away and a century ago.

Malfoy shock his head disapprovingly and the small flame vanished when he closed his hand.

"Are you keen on antagonising the old man?"

Severus exhaled smoke and leant his head back against the stone wall. Then he shrugged.

"I'm not afraid of him, if that is what you mean."

Remus saw Albus roll his eyes in the dark, his face growing more and more disapproving ever since Severus had requested the cigar from Malfoy, who now was amused.

"Of course not. But you spent a lot of time surrounded by these idiots. And the mudbloods. We should get you out of this infested castle. And what happened to my letter? The bird returned without it."

He wrinkled his nose in disgust. Severus simply shrugged again and took a deep drag before dangling his hand with the cigar out of the window again.

"Who knows what the incompetent Gryffindors running this did with it. Do you think I enjoy this masquerade? But it won't be long now." He exhaled the smoke again and it rose to the ceiling in a perfectly round circle. "Where did you leave my cloak and mask?"

Malfoy grinned like a shark.

"At the manor, of course. I couldn't drop you off with them, after all. Both will be returned to you in perfect condition as soon as you're out of here and the chance of anybody stealing your mail is ruled out. Or shall I send them to your own house?"

It was obvious that he thought of himself as being awfully clever for remembering to take Severus' Death Eater regalia off him before leaving him in a dangerous forest unconscious and half-dead.

"You're a damn fool and nothing more. Send them here, tomorrow. I will return to my own quarters tonight."

Nodding Lucius seemed strangely disappointed for not being lauded for his foresight and Remus felt the immediate need to take at least twenty points of Slytherin retroactively for overdimensioned stupidity.

Both men sat in silence for a while. Severus continued to smoke the cigar, slowly and with visible enjoyment, most of the time looking out of the window and ignoring that Malfoy was staring at him with growing intensity.

Finally the cigar was almost gone, and Severus dropped the remaining part out of the window. Next to Remus Albus clicked his tongue and shock his head, but he said nothing. Instead they both watched Severus turn around and towards Lucius and when he spoke again Remus noticed that the cigar had done nothing good for his voice at all.

"You should go or they will think we're plotting world domination."

Slowly he dragged him self upright, and Malfoy followed his example quickly. They stood facing each other again.

"If they knew! Well. You should come to the manor again before the new year starts. We haven't seen you in a long time. Narcissa is still in France."

Distaste floated over Severus' features for a brief moment but was quickly tucked away again.

"We've discussed that previously, if I remember correctly. Send greetings to your son. I shall seem him when the new year comes."

Malfoy nodded, wordless, and apparently seemed ready to take his leave when Severus raised a hand.

"You got something else of mine that I want back, Lucius."

It was enough to stop Malfoy in his tracks and search through his pockets. Quickly he produced a golden ring, and dropped in unceremoniously into Severus' opened palms. It vanished quickly into the pockets of Severus' trousers.

"Don't steal it again."

Malfoys' answer got lost in the small movement he made, stepping closer to Severus and leaning forward slightly as if he were expecting something beyond mere words. As if answering the invitation Severus reached up, curled a long hand around Lucius' neck and pulled him slightly down.

For a brief moment Remus thought they were going to kiss, and he felt an unwelcome feeling rise up that he couldn't really place.

But something different happened. While Lucius bent down, apparently expecting to be kissed Severus slightly straightened his back and leant in closer, only to say something almost perfectly silent into Lucius' ears, his voice nearly inaudible due to it's hoarseness.

"The next time this happens you will do as ordered and kill me."

Remus' hearing picked the comment up regardless, and for a brief moment he wondered if he had to inform Albus. But then he watched Malfoy's back stiffen and Albus for a brief moment look as if someone had slapped him in the face and he knew that no further comment was necessary.

In the room Severus had pulled back from Malfoy, folding his arms in front of his chest.

"Good-bye, Lucius."

There was a short silence, as if Malfoy wanted to say something but couldn't find the right words. Then he nodded and turned around.

"Good-bye."

Through the door Remus saw the strange look on his face. Then he felt Albus' hand on his arms and himself being pulled down the corridor rapidly. They arrived in the larger main room just in time to hear the door being opened. In an instant Albus sat on one of the beds, crossed is legs and smiled up to Remus.

"As I said, we should consider the replacement of the greenhouses in depth in the next conference. Thank you for your input on the algae situation. Ah, Mr. Malfoy. Have you sorted everything out?"

The three steps down the corridor seemed to have been enough for Malfoy to compose his usual arrogant demeanour.

"I did, indeed. Now there's other business for me in the Ministry. We will meet again at the Board Meeting, I gather. Good-bye."

He didn't even bother to acknowledge Remus' presence. Albus simply nodded and smiled.

"Of course we shall. Have a good day."

There came no reply as they watched the back of Malfoy's cloak retreat. The door fell close with a firm pull of his hand. Albus only looked at the closed door, silently shaking his head. Then he got up and turned around.

"Apologies for pushing you around, but it was necessary. Let us go back."

Unclear what kind of comment Albus wanted to hear Remus simply nodded and followed him back. It seemed that the headmaster had run out of useless pleasantries.

When they entered through the now again very sturdy wooden door they found Severus sitting on the side of his bed, bare feet on the ground and leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. The scent of the cigar was only faint, and the windows closed again. His wand lay neatly placed on the small table next to the bed. He only turned his head slightly upon their entrance.

"Knock! How often do I have to say it?" He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Are you content? All your questions are answered."

Albus stopped in the middle of the room.

"Indeed they almost all are, and I'm very much relieved to hear the truth. You had no idea you were at Malfoy manor?"

Severus shock his head slightly, his gaze fixed to the wall. He looked deadly tired, even with the illusion charm in place.

"Now that I do know some pieces of memory I had make sense. Before it everything was unclear."

His voice seemed to finally fail him, and he coughed into his hands. Remus felt the need to say something, but couldn't think of anything fitting. So Severus had been aware of them both listening to his seemingly private conversation. Had Albus asked him without Remus being aware?

When Severus had gained control over his voice again he looked up.

"Go. Both of you."

Albus opened his mouth to say something, but a raised hand stilled him.

"No. Leave. I'll be there for the meeting this afternoon."

WIthout uttering a sound Albus closed his mouth again and turned around. Remus followed him, and together they left the room. Looking back over his shoulders quickly before Albus closed the door Remus saw Severus letting his head fall into his hands, covering his face and remaining perfectly still.

Then the door was closed, and after a short nod Albus marched down the corridor and was gone from sight before Remus could say anything. All that remained was the solid door and in Remus a feeling that no matter how hard he tried again and again there would always be a piece missing to really understand what was going on. He felt a slow anger rising in him that he was being pushed around and used for plans he couldn't really understand.

Stalking down the corridor and out of the Hospital Wing he made his way back to his rooms. There was nothing to do for him anywhere else and he had the next day's conference to prepare. It wasn't even lunch time yet, and the day was long enough to ensure that plenty of work could be done. But even later as he sat on his desk he couldn't help wondering about what he had seen, once more unwillingly and without proper understanding. The image of Severus' hand around Malfoys' neck stayed in his mind, platinum blonde hair curled around long pale fingers. Something entirely familiar had been in Malfoys' instant reaction to the movement, as if he were used to being touched by Severus, something Remus had expected all along but never really thought about. He recalled the one conversation he had overheard in the corridor, weeks ago while chopping ingredients in Severus' private lab.

Remus stared out of his window, his books and paper work in front of him on the desk but untouched. Malfoy had protected Severus, so much was sure. He had picked him up and brought him to his own home, probably expecting to be able to care for him. It was a strange kindness Malfoy had shown, although the final idea of dropping Severus off in the forest had not been the smartest. But then it had worked, and in the end saved the spy's life.

There were layers and layers of meaning behind their actions that Remus wasn't able to decipher, not matter how much he tried to wrap his head around them. But he arrived at only one single conclusion: that Malfoy cared for Severus, whatever that would mean. Their talk had been easy and their movements around each other with a well-worn quality. Familiarity, that was it. And something else, and whatever it was, it made Remus uncomfortable and, if he were really honest with himself, jealous.

He wondered how Malfoy felt after being essentially ordered by Severus to kill him the next time. He thought the scenario through and through, but he couldn't find a sufficient answer. Only the hope that it wouldn't happen - for Severus, for himself, and also very slightly for Lucius Malfoy. He hated the man, a feeling he was sure was mutually shared. But he had also seen his face as he turned around to leave. Fear had been written clearly over Malfoys' features, for only a brief second, and for probably the only time in his life Remus completely understood the man.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 6/3/2015


	24. I heard the truth was built to bend

**I heard the truth was built to bent**

The nights' dinner finally brought the realisation to everybody in the castle that summer was almost over. Remus arrived late to the table finding it significantly enlarged and crowded. While dispersing greetings and receiving a bright welcome in return he realized that now, for the first time in weeks, the entire faculty was present.

There was a flurry of story-telling and arguments in motion, and Remus took his chair next to Minerva only after making his rounds around the table exchanging words with everybody. Slightly amused he noticed that he was the only one still wearing his relaxed and decidedly muggle summer clothing, with most others already being in various states of proper academic dress.

It seemed that everybody had a hard time easing themselves back into their more formal selves. Minerva's bun wasn't as stable and unmoving as during the school-year, Filius Flitwick wore statement robes in Ravenclaw-colours he would never display during the year - he was adamant in considering house-rivalries a waste of time better spent on academic work - and Pomona Sprout had already thrown off her cloak and draped it over the back of her chair, revealing her slightly tattered work clothes underneath. Even Severus, locked in what seemed a friendly dispute with Flitwick, had his dark cloak only draped leisurely over his shoulders, displaying his bright white shirt with two buttons opened at the collar. It seemed that he, too, had started to ease himself into his persona as Head of Slytherin again without being ready yet to make the full transition back to his billowing black robes. The spell hiding his desolate physical state, however, was firmly in place.

It wasn't term time yet, but the atmosphere had begun to shift away from the lightness of summer. It would only be a matter of weeks until the days would be shorter, the nights longer, and autumn upon them.

And Sirius was missing. With the full faculty present he couldn't risk being seen any longer, and Remus deeply regretted not having realised sooner that summer passing also meant the reappearance of Padfoot once more. The dog was nowhere to be seen, though, and Remus expected to find his best friend sulking on his sofa when he returned to his rooms.

Only Albus' rising and lifting his wine glass pulled Remus away from his thoughts. His welcoming speech was short, reminding everybody present of the conferences starting tomorrow, and welcoming the returning staff to the castle. There would be another dinner, larger and far more festive, before the students would arrive in about a week - but even for now Albus made it clear that they had a lot of work ahead. Everybody nodded, clapped with remarkable enthusiasm and clinked their glasses.

The chatter resumed over the appearance of the food. Dinner was plenty and delightful as always, and Remus took a good helping of the platter with perfectly prepared steak that Minerva offered him.

"Eat, Remus, we have a lot of work ahead of us. I can't believe summer is almost gone, where did the time go? Sometimes I think it must be my age."

She shock her head, but smiled approval when Remus picked a particularly good looking piece of meat and then in return helped herself when Remus took over the platter.

"I wonder, too. Maybe we should keep time-turners around, it would help with getting all the work done."

Two chairs over Albus, piling potatoes on his plate, clicked his tongue.

"We all learnt our lesson when we handed one of these to Mrs. Granger that year, we shouldn't repeat our mistakes. But I wonder - what would you do with your won time, Remus?"

Gaining a bit more time by reaching over and transferring a good amount of salad onto his plate Remus thought quickly through his options. Leaving the salad severs in the glass bowl he carefully placed his plate back on the table again.

"Probably think through the idea I had about teaching the third years about exploding faeries. And work out where I'll get a boggart from this year. The one in my desk suddenly vanished one day - I gather the houseelves just cleaned up a bit too thoroughly."

The answer elicited laughter from those sitting close to him, and the conversation shifted away quickly. It was only later, nursing his glass of rosé, that Remus came to wonder what exactly he would do if he could travel back and win time. His answer, if given honestly, would probably take him a long way back into the past, to brighter days where his future was still a horror of unknown depth, but sufficiently far away.

Amongst the chatter of his colleagues he drifted off into his daydreams and only returned to the present time when Minerva pushed the plate with tiramisu directly under his nose.

Apologising for his absent-mindedness he picked up the serving spoon and placed a small amount in his own bowl. Glancing over the table, now lit mostly by candlelight he noticed that the chair opposite of Flitwick was empty. Severus had left the table unnoticed and Remus internally forced himself not to ask. Term was coming, after all.

The next day cemented that piece of knowledge firmly. The morning began in a whirlwind of conferences, talks, preparations and timetables. Schedules had to be discussed and confirmed, Hogsmeade weekends to be decided upon and festivities planned according to the traditional schedule. Remus spent the morning arguing about the creatures he needed to prepare his upcoming clases and volunteered as a guardian for no less than two Hogsmeade visits.

There was only one small opening in Remus' suddenly hectic schedule, and Albus had filled it quickly when he had informed Remus, while passing by in the hallway, that he and Severus would run a few tests on the leftover Wolfsbane, trying to determine the source of the contamination. So it came that Remus climbed the stairs towards Serpens tower once more, perfectly on time for his daily three o'clock lesson.

To Remus' surprise the laboratory was filled with life already. He had expected Severus to be wrapped up into the preparation for the new year, but it seemed that he had found time to run a few small tests on the leftover potion before their meeting. One of the benches showed clear signs of work: a small cauldron was propped up over an unlit fire place, several jars stood waiting for further attention, and the two large notebooks on Wolfsbane were lying closed at the other end of the desk, stacked a safe distance away from the fire and possibly paper-eating substances.

The door at the back of the room leading to the storage room was open and he could clearly hear Albus' voice calmly explaining something. But even before Remus had made his way over to the small chamber Albus emerged, still talking.

" - redid none of your calculations, as you know. Ah, Remus, I'm glad you could join us."

Smiling Albus wandered over to the bench, careful not to accidentally brush something off the table with his wide hems.

"Maybe I can be useful."

Albus nodded and turned back to the chamber.

"I'm sure you will be. Severus, we're now complete. Shall we begin?"

It took a few seconds until the answer was shouted out of the chamber.

"I'm not deaf, Albus. Give me half a minute more."

Severus had audibly regained a good amount of his strength, and Remus couldn't help but grin. Albus understood immediately.

"Yes, I'm glad to see him up and screeching, too."

The clicking of jars moved around could be heard from the storage chamber, and Remus decided to simply nod and then change the topic towards the feast to welcome the students back that was due at the end of the week. The Sunday would be September first, the traditional beginning of a new year, and Remus still had a hard time to imagine the castle filled with life again so quickly. Albus agreed and started to discuss his intentions for the feast in depth - especially the small argument that had broken out over the decision whether to serve an autumn inspired salad for starters or rather a not-so-light selection of black puddings with dark bread. To Remus' luck he didn't have to express his culinary despair at eating black pudding for starters, as Severus interrupted their argument.

He poked his head out of the storage chamber, leaning against the door frame from the inside.

"Apologies for interrupting your important discussion of the horrors of local cuisine. Albus, where and how did you store the remaining Hyle?"

Albus frowned and turned around fully.

"There was no Hyle left over, of course."

Remus watched Severus' eyebrow rise in what felt like slow-motion.

"There was no Hyle left?"

Shrugging Albus confirmed his statement.

"Yes. Didn't you just say you weren't deaf?"

Pushing himself off the doorframe he was leaning against Severus fully emerged from the storage chamber. Remus registered that he was dressed for work, wearing his frayed and blemished old lab robe pushed up to his elbows.

"Maybe I was just hopeful."

He crossed through the lab and joined them at the bench.

"At least that will save us from performing unnecessary and likely time-consuming work."

The confusion on Albus' face was visible and even Remus had no idea what Severus exactly meant.

"We used the Hyle from the storage room, of course. Remus told me you had already prepared it, and from what I saw he was correct. It was measured in a clear jar, and appropriately labelled. I tested it, of course, and found it in perfect quality."

Severus nodded along to every word.

"Well, Libavius made it. You tested it, you said, but you did not measure it again?"

Albus and Remus nodded at the same time, causing Severus to sigh.

"It was prepared, but it wasn't measured. Routinely I keep a small amount of the Hyle I use for the Wolfsbane back. It's mostly a precaution in case later issues with the potions arise, but nevertheless it's important. Therefore the amount in the jar was more than the formula called for."

His voice stayed calm and matter-of-fact, but it was obviously that he was angry at both of them - though Remus had a suspicion that most of it would be directed towards Albus, whose face had fallen remarkably.

"Oh dear."

Severus looked like a man who would like to take a shotgun off the wall and put a few bullets into his guests. And then a few more, just to make sure.

"Don't bloody oh-dear-me, Albus. How could you ignore the most fundamental rule and not redo all the measurements? That's basic procedure. Never trust anything you haven't measured or calculated yourself!"

Albus shock his head, visibly embarrassed at the mistake. Remus couldn't help but come to his aid.

"I think we just firmly believed that the Hyle in the jar was the precise amount, I guess?"

He regretted his mistake immediately.

"This is not about believe, Lupin. We're talking about science, and that requires precision. Are you even aware what could have happened?"

With a shooing hand-motion Albus tried to soften the blows.

"Now, please. Nothing did happen, after all, although we might have had more luck than everything. Fortune favours fools, wouldn't you agree? At least we know what went wrong now. And we learnt a lot, all of us."

While speaking he had slowly slipped into the soothing tone he used to calm down anxious students who had nearly blown up the castle, their classmates or their teachers, and Remus felt not only as if he were twelve again, but also how Severus came closer to the point to really conjure a shotgun and follow his inner calling to indulge in a quick and probably highly cathartic shooting spree.

"Fortune favours bloody idiots, it seems."

Albus only smiled.

"Maybe, and if yes than I'm glad to be an idiot. Now, I have so many things to tend to that I'll leave you both to the discussion. Since we've found the culprit there is no need to run the tests, I gather. I'll see both of you at dinner."

And with that and a swirl of robes he was gone, making sure to properly close the door behind him, ignoring the two man staring at his back. His steps hadn't even trailed off in the corridor when Severus sighed, rubbing his forehead. Remus immediately felt sympathetic.

"How often have you considered killing Albus?"

Dropping his hands and moving over to start clearing the bench Severus shrugged.

"More often than I have actually been ordered to do so by now, and that was quite a number of times. I do believe the order wouldn't take it too well, though, so I usually restrain myself."

Grinning Remus nodded, and busied himself to help Severus return the jars and cauldron to their proper places. He was accurately aware that he would miss exactly that - these small, fleeting moments in which he was suddenly aware of being close to the man usually tucked away behind the mask of illusion spells and cold disinterest. Only a few more days and these opportunities would be gone completely.

When the bench was cleared and the lab empty again Severus picked up the Wolfsbane notebooks, and together they exited the laboratory. The corridor was flooded with sunlight falling in through the windows, and Remus felt his sadness deepen when he thought about the bleak winter month ahead of them. The door closed with an almost inaudible click behind them.

"I'll return to my rooms, then. Will you work?"

Severus nodded.

"Obviously, term is near. I also want to redo the calculations with the amount of Hyle you actually used. There might be interesting side effects. If you would be available for questions in case some might arise?"

Remus agreed immediately, and then nodded goodbye. But before he moved to leave Severus held him back.

"Good. There is something else, too. If you have no plans for the late afternoon?"

No plans he couldn't and wasn't willing to push aside. So Remus agreed to knock on Severus' door around five or six in the late afternoon and they parted ways.

It was inevitable that Remus spent the remaining hours split up between preparing his classes for the new year and wrecking his mind about the reason why Severus asked him to come to his private quarters. A few of those possible scenarios made Remus rather restless, and he tried to push them from his mind again and again - unsuccessfully, of course.

Finally it was half past five, the ideal time to arrive somewhere if the given hour had been between five and six. Trying to remain as calm as possible Remus marched up the stairs and arrived in Serpens tower in front of the heavy wooden door once more. This time there was no password to be said, and he knocked on the door firmly three times. It opened only seconds later, noiselessly guided by magic.

There was no one behind it, and Remus stepped into the small hallway.

"Good afternoon."

There was no immediate reply, and after Remus had entered the hallway the door shut behind him. He stood in the soft dim light for a moment and then walked through the small entrance towards the living room.

In there it was obvious that the master of the house had returned. Where Remus had seen only a well-furnished room and minimalistic possessions now a certain sense of life had returned. There was no chaos, but sure signs of someone living in these rooms. The large sofa had a blanket thrown across one armrest that no one had bothered to fold. On the large, low coffeetable books, paper and four notebooks lay, together with a muggle fountain pen and a half-filled glass of water. Next to it was an elegant carafe, filled with water, mint leaves and lemon - a conoction the houseelves had declared their favourite summer beverage, delivering it to anybody who asked for it and everybody else on top. It was obvious that Severus had been sitting on the sofa working, with the loose pages scattered on the table and the notebooks still opened. Remus saw a mass of crossed out, underlined or corrected numbers and alchemic symbols that made absolutely no sense to him but pointed towards are rather creative working process he was glad he didn't have to understand anytime soon.

The light curtains had been drawn back completely, allowing the view over the grounds of the school. The light filtered through the window panes, and one window had been opened. The air was warm and filled with the scents of the forest that came in with the breeze.

For a short moment Remus stood useless in the middle of the room, not knowing whether to wait here or to progress into the library. He didn't have to wonder for a longer time, though, as Severus came into view through the open doorway soon. He had changed into what seemed his semi-formal preferred attire and surrendered to the warmth of day, rolling up the sleeves of his white shirt and opening the top buttons as well.

He carried another book and a piece of paper, and nodded in Remus general direction.

"Good afternoon. Since you've been here before I saw no need to usher you in. Have a seat, if you wish."

How again had they gone from almost-open-air-sex to polite conversation? Or maybe Severus had lost parts of his memory and nobody had deigned to tell Remus? That must be the answer, certainly.

But instead of saying anything Remus sat down on the sofa, while Severus placed the book he had taken from his library and the piece of paper on the coffee table and folded his long limbs into one of the reading chairs opposite the sofa. He crossed his legs, propped his elbows up on the armrest and stapled his fingers - a universal gesture of removed aloofness if Remus had ever seen one. But the sofa was comfortable, and his curiosity kept nagging.

"You're working on the calculations?"

Severus nodded towards the table.

"Just for a short hour, it would need more time if it were to be done thoroughly. But so far all I've seen has ensured me in my firm believe that you were very lucky. Hyle is nothing to mess around with, even in very small quantities."

And they were back at that conversation thread again.

"Yes, I imagine. But fact is that the potion worked, even though not as perfect as is usually does. I could feel that it came from someone else though, which I find interesting. Something was missing - and I don't mean the secondary effects that didn't fully work."

Severus tipped his head slightly to the side as if he were stretching muscles in his neck, and Remus thought he heard the joints in his upper spine pop. Then he focused on Remus again.

"Apparently it did. Albus gave me a full report of your experience, and from what I gathered you transformed without incidents and remained mostly lucid. Though Poppy swore you nearly tore your hands apart, which apparently seems to be a psychologically interesting habit your wolf form has developed."

That surprised Remus.

"Psychologically interesting? Care to elaborate?"

Severus shrugged.

"If you'd like my humble theory. It seems quite obvious that aiming at the paws shows a certain self-hatred. I am not an animagus, of course, but it seems logical to imagine that the paws are the first bodypart the wolfs sees, thus realising it is, indeed, a wolf. Destroying the obvious marker of one's condition would indicate internal denial."

Looking at his hands Remus felt anger slowly rising.

"You mean the wolf hates itself and wants to rip apart what it hates?"

Nodding approval Severus didn't answer, but Remus wasn't done. "And that coming from a suicidal Death Eater."

The surprise in Severus' face was but a fleeting moment, but his eyebrow stayed slightly arched upwards. "What an interesting assumption."

With a lazy wave of his hand Remus pointed towards the seated man. "You do know what I'm talking about. It's hidden now under your slightly cowardly spell, but I've seen the scars on your wrists."

All day Remus had been wondering if Severus kept his illusion spell up himself or if it was borrowed magic from Albus. As he watched the spell fall without so much as a movement from Severus he knew that his initial guess had been right. He also remembered immediately why Severus kept the spell upright, and it was obviously as much in his own interest as in that of those around him. It was one thing to be aware that underneath the illusion a broken body lay, hidden under the blanket of magic from sight and pity. It was another to watch it come forth.

Suddenly again all angles, skin stretched tight over limbs were flesh was supposed to pad joints and bones Severus simply stared at him.

"So you are telling me that sparing you this sight is cowardly?"

Remus growled involuntarily. He hated the mockery, even though he knew it only thinly veiled nothing but raw pain.

"I'm telling you that you tried to kill yourself and, for some reason or another, didn't quite succeed. That's all."

Amusement crept into Severus' face. He turned his right wrist around, displaying the hideous scar Remus had seen before.

"Ah, you mean this?"

Within a second he pulled up his spell again, the air quivering instantly, and the almost painful sight was gone. But this time the scar remained, and with it the black mark carved into the left wrist. If Remus hadn't been wrapped into their conversation he would have been amazed at the magic involved - but he had other things on his mind. And he didn't know yet why Severus had asked him to come in the first place.

"It's an old phrase, but this is not what it seems to be."

Remus snorted. "How trite. Pray tell, what is it then?"

Shrugging Severus dropped his hands in his lap. "A spell gone wrong. Dark magic is a difficult thing and backfires sometimes. But how would you know." He seemed to rearrange his limbs in the reading chair carefully, and Remus briefly wondered if he was in pain. But then he finally came to the point.

"However this is not why I asked you to come. There is something else I'd like to talk to you about."

"Ah, finally." Nodding Remus crossed his legs and leant back on the sofa. He felt strangely antagonized, without being able to tell why. He hated Severus pulling his strings so easily and, if he were honest, maybe even without really knowing about it. He also regretted not being able to pursue the topic of dark magic further, making a small mental note to return to it someday - depending on the outcome of their current conversation, of course. But Severus continued and Remus was far too curious to not listen.

"Well. As you have seen in the past days your plan to brew Wolfsbane by the end of summer turned out to be more complicated than you anticipated. You may have come to the conclusion by now that you would need many more years of training. Seeing that it almost went wrong even when you were guided by Albus I think this point should be clear."

Remus shrugged, and motioned him to continue. That was nothing he had not been aware of, if he was honest. But he was also proud that he had gotten so far in his practice, and he felt slightly snubbed that Severus ignored all of that.

"In any case you do now own the formula, and a practising potionsmaster would be able to supply you with the potion, if given access to the ingredients."

Severus waved a hand to underline his point, and Remus could do nothing but nod again. So far everything was clear.

"I see we do agree. Good. Now - and you may correct me if I'm wrong - strangely enough I have come to the conclusion that what you have gained so far might not have been your original aim. If my memory has not been tainted, and I believe it to be accurate, we had an, ah, interesting discussion on the Astronomy tower before I left."

So Severus had not suffered a memory loss. At least Remus now knew, and he immediately felt slightly uncomfortable. He had a sneaking suspicion that this talk was not leading where he thought it would.

"So my memory is correct. Then let me ask a simple question: what do you actually want from me?"

For a moment Remus pondered the option to simply tell Severus that he had no idea. Even after all these weeks he hadn't come to the core of his strange attraction towards the silent man. There was nothing specific Remus could say, but he silently carded through all possible answers in him mind. To buy time he simply picked the first one that made sense.

"I'm not actually sure."

At least it was the truth. But it did nothing to satisfy Severus, who fell back into his characteristic impatience and almost jumped from his chair. But instead of pacing the room he only marched over to the window, staring outside, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his dark trousers. He was now closer to Remus' place on the sofa, but with his back almost turned to him felt further away then before. Sighing Remus rubbed his face. This wasn't quite going according to plan. Not that there was any.

"Don't try to buy time, Lupin. I am already annoyed as it is. I want you to know - " he fell silent in the middle of his sentence, his gaze fixed to something outside the window Remus' couldn't see.

"Yes?"

As if he had fallen asleep standing he startled. He stayed silent for a second or two, and then continued.

"I like playing games like the next man, but this is bad timing. So, whatever it is you are trying to pull off here, whatever strange little scheme you came up with - I will no longer be part of it."

He stared out of the window for another moment. "I am too tired for this." And it was obvious that he was speaking the truth. The deep lines on his face spoke for that, and the rigidness of his stiff posture.

"There is no game, Severus. I don't even know what you're talking about."

With sudden anger Severus slammed a flat hand against the stone wall next to the window. "Don't act innocent! I know exactly what's going on here, though I haven't found out yet if that was your idea or one of your friends. Black, maybe? What a beautiful practical joke."

The flare of temper roused Remus from his seated position. Springing to his feet he felt his earlier anger return.

"Do you always see a conspiracy behind everything? Don't be ridiculous. Sirius has nothing to do with it, why should he? We're not bloody schoolboys anymore."

Now turning fully around so they were facing each other Severus glared at him.

"Really, are we not. Then what on earth is this about?"

His anger seemed to liven him up remarkable, restoring strength to his posture and voice. But Remus was far from being impressed.

"For someone who deems himself so brilliant you're a damn idiot. What, for example, if I were simply to enjoy working with you? Or spending time? Or, heaven forbid, actually want to know more about you?"

As soon as the words escaped his mouth Remus considered himself dead. Time magic suddenly seemed very desirable, but there was no chance to take back what he said. And the effect was remarkable.

It looked as if Severus' anger was an air mattress someone had poked a needle into. Stunned he let his arms drop to his side, confusion visible on his face.

"There's no logic in that. Why should that be the answer?"

Remus growled audibly. It was a lost cause, he now knew it.

"Fuck your logic, Severus. Life isn't about logic. You can't do calculations with everything!"

And to his biggest surprise Severus said nothing. He just stood by the window staring at Remus, and it was almost visible that he was frantically trying to arrange the information he had just obtained into a pattern that made sense for him. But it didn't work, and it seemed as if the pieces were slipping from his hands again and again, refusing to click and offer a solution to the questions he obviously had.

Remus simply stood and watched him for long silent moments. And then he did exactly what he had done on the Astronomy tower, only much slower and much more gently. Walking over to the window he effectively closing the distance between them. He hesitated briefly when he stood exactly in front of Severus, with only centimetres of empty air between them, giving the man the chance to flinch or push Remus away. But he didn't move, and Remus took it as an invitation to carefully and slowly raise a hand, wrap it around Severus' neck and pull him in for nothing but a very short and gentle kiss.

It was almost chaste, nothing but a touching of lips, the equivalent of a toe dunked into water to see if the lake was too cold for swimming. But Severus' lips were not cold, and the skin of his neck under Remus' hands soft. Meeting no resistance Remus did not even withdraw fully but instead went in again for another kiss, this time deeper, longer. His still free hand found its way around Severus' waist, finally resting flat on his lower back, pulling him closer. His flat palm pressed against soft fabric of Severus' white shirt Remus felt the tension in the muscles. Under his other hand, still wrapped around Severus' thin neck he felt a fluttering pulse beat.

After indulging into that tiny sensation under his fingertips for a moment Rems loosend his touch, letting his hand slide down between Severus' far too prominent shoulder blades, feeling and counting the vertebrae underneath the thin layer of clothing and flesh.

But he didn't feel the soft surrender he was used to. Severus seemed to enjoy the kiss, returned it with no hesitation, but his body remained stiff, muscles tensing up as Remus' hands slid over them instead of relaxing into the inviting touch.

Through the haze of finally getting what he had waited for all summer long Remus felt his brain springing into action. For a second he chastised himself internally - wasn't he supposed to think blissful nothingness at this moment? Or at least only, maybe, plot for a good move to take things further into the right direction?

But his mind had different ideas, sorting quickly through what he saw and felt. There was no chance Severus' physical reaction would betray a hidden unwillingness - Remus wasn't under any illusions concerning the magical power Severus commanded at ease. His mind added the images from moments ago and came to a very logical conclusion that didn't add to the atmosphere in the slightest.

Resigning himself to his internalised care-complex Remus carefully broke the contact. Back to logic, then.

"Why didn't you tell me you're in pain?"

Severus blinked rapidly, his face still strangely void of emotion. But Remus remembered the quick pulse under his fingers and didn't give in to the illusion.

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

Their short encounter had done magnificent things to his voice, and the slight hoarseness and new depth made Remus feel a rising anticipation he pushed down immediately again.

"You do. What do you need?"

The look of incredulity on Severus' face was quickly replaced by his usual neutrality.

"As I said - I do not know what you're talking about. But you might want to leave."

But Remus wasn't that easy to put off. He knew the game by now, and how to play it. He carefully pushed every emotion off his face, formed his voice into a disinterested cadence and shrugged.

"Fine with me. I'll just drop by the hospital wing and inform Poppy."

In the same moment he moved away, ostensibly to leave. But Severus' reaction was fast. Reaching out he got hold of Remus' arm and kept him in place. Instantly yielding Remus turned around again, allowing for a wry smile on his face. Severus, on the other hand, immediately seemed to regret his almost involuntary movement. Trying to regain whatever part of his dignity he had already lost he crossed his arms in front of his chest and cleared his throat.

"That won't be necessary."

Remus mimicked his gesture.

"Oh, really. Then why are you so keen on preventing it?"

Severus growled and Remus noticed how tight his long fingers were digging into his crossed arms. It was only a small detail, but it encouraged Remus to speed the negotiating process up.

"I see. Then let me offer you a deal. You go to bed, right now, and inform me about anything I can do. I will come by and see how you're doing later tonight. But if you're worse I will inform Poppy. Agreed?"

Growling again Severus shock his head.

"I do not even begin to understand why you are doing this."

Dropping his own hands Remus let the scrowl slip off his own face.

"Because apparently you are not able to look after yourself. Go and rest."

Their staring match lasted mere seconds before Severus gave in. Turning away he made his way past Remus towards his bedroom. Carefully watching him Remus noticed that his movements were unsteady, as if he needed to find his balance anew with every step. He was mere moments away from breaking down completely, Remus realized, and cursed himself for not picking up on these minor details earlier.

Severus had reached the doorway leading to his bedroom when he glanced back over his shoulders.

"I see you developed quite a fondness for blackmail. What a surprising new side."

Remus nodded and spread his arms while feigning innocence.

"Desperate times, as they say. How's the password? I will check on you later."

Severus' sigh still hinted at his frustration with the situation, but he conceded quickly. Still standing in the doorframe he touched a hand to the wall, palm flat against the thick stone, and kept it there for a second.

In an instance Remus felt a soft change of air and imagined he saw a ripple run through the wall as if it were made out of water instead of solid stone. He blinked, but the sensation was gone again.

"Licet will work."

Without further ado Severus trudged off, vanishing in his bedroom. Always being in favour of granting privacy Remus waited for a few more moments. But when he heard nothing suspicious besides rustling of covers and pillows being moved he decided upon leaving. Throwing a last glance through the large window in the living room and marvelling at the rays of sunshine dancing on the forbidden forest he turned around and saw himself out.

The door closed behind him with the same deep click as is had the last time. But this time he had a password and made a promise to return - one he would decidedly keep. He was a man of his word, after all, and he only felt slightly guilty as he made his way over to the hospital wing to ask Poppy for advice.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 23/6/2015

With apologies for the long delay, and thanks to all of those who enquired about it. I'm still alive, if only by a hairbreadth, and will try to resume a more regular posting schedule in the coming month. This was the penultimate chapter, though there will be a lengthy epilogue.


	25. Melting darkness

**Melting darkness**

Remus' visit to the Hospital Wing lasted a mere few minutes. Poppy sat on the tiles amongst the innards of a tightly packed storage cabinet scattered all across the floor, and listened intently to Remus' description. After complimenting him on his prudence she peeled herself off the floor and while searching through another usually carefully locked cabinet instructed him to stay watchful.

"Make sure he sleeps, that would be the most important thing. There isn't much we can do, but the pain usually gets worse with exhaustion. Ah, here it is."

She pulled another small box from the cupboard, unlocked it with a quick touch of her wand, and opened it. It contained a few neatly labelled small vials, one of which she handed over to Remus. Restoring everything back to its rightful place she sighed at the chaos inside the small cupboard.

"I feel like all I ever do is cleaning or organising. Well. Be careful with the vial, but do give it to him - only, though, if he hasn't taken anything else. Ask him. If something happens call me."

Remus pocketed the vial and nodded.

"Of course. He went to bed, though, so I think it shall be fine."

Closing the doors of the cupboard and locking them with a spell Poppy smiled knowingly.

"Your good faith is almost touching. You'll see."

She waved him off, and he left the Hospital Wing with the sneaking suspicion that she might be right. But he did not have time on his hands to prove her or himself wrong. It was time for dinner and more meetings afterwards first.

It was thus that Remus came to climb the stairs to Serpens Tower much later than he had originally planned. But his belly was pleasantly filled with a good dinner, and the meetings afterwards had cleared up a good part of the scheduling confusion he had been trying to make sense of in the past two days. He was satisfied with their progress and his own work, and looked forward to go to bed after quickly checking in with Severus.

The heavy door opened obediently when he spoke the password, and he walked into the small hallway expecting to find nothing but silence and darkness.

Instead he walked into a brightly lit space, indicating that, in fact, Poppy had been right. But Remus was even more surprised to hear something entirely unusual in Hogwarts: there was music.

Severus lay on his large sofa, fully stretched out, wearing what seemed like comfortable pyjama trousers combined with an old t-shirt. On the coffeetable in front of him at least ten freshly sealed letters lay, ready to be carried over to the owlery. Next to them a stack of books stood high, and even more paper than during the afternoon was scattered over the table. Remus recognized not only materials related to Severus' work as a potionsmaster, but also official looking documents bearing the Hogwarts crest and the seal showing the Slytherin snake. Papers from the last conference, neatly stacked together, indicated that Severus had dealt with the same scheduling issues Remus had found himself confronted with.

The man himself lay on his back, his arms folded over his stomach. His gaze seemed fixed to the ceiling, but Remus wasn't sure if he was actually awake. He seemed deeply lost in the music coming from the muggle stereo system Remus was surprised to see behind the now opened door in the low shelf on the wall opposite the sofa. He had expected more books or other trinkets in there. But the large black device was clearly a proper stereo system, and from the way the music vibrated through the speakers of excellent quality. On a closer look he could even spy the cord sneaking out from behind the shelf, plugged into a cubic tool he had seen in stores in Diagon Alley - a magical device providing electricity for muggle technology that could not otherwise be powered. Hogwarts, after all, had no sockets build into its ancient walls.

Remus hadn't expected Severus to own any piece of muggle technology. Or to listen to music. Or to listen to that kind of music.

There wasn't much Remus knew about classical music. He had been to one or two concerts as a child with his parents, before the incident, before it turned out that he would be a wizard. Then these excursions had stopped and never resumed, not even years later. His father owned records and his mother used to sing when she worked in the kitchen. He had gone to clubs where loud beats were the preferred method to drown out his thoughts. But beyond?

In any case he had never listened to that specific type of classical music. There was a choir, voices soaring through what Remus assumed was a large church, the melody floating in what he imagined to be gothic arches supporting a large ceiling. It didn't even seem to be one choir, but Remus wasn't sure if he could distinguish all the voices. They mixed and met and drifted apart again, climbing higher and higher before falling into soothing depth. He did not understand the text, even, only picked up a Latin word here or there. It was beautiful in any case. Haunting. But he hadn't come to listen to music.

Standing in the doorframe Remus cleared his throat and waited. It took a long time until Severus reacted, only slowly raising his hand and dropping it back again. Remus gave the music a few more moments by walking into the room and sitting down in one of the reading chairs. The soprano voice gliding through the air was replaced by male voices reciting sonorous Latin.

The piece lasted only a few more minutes, but while Remus listened he watched the sun set over the Forbidden Forest. His chair was perfectly angled to allow a good view over the grounds and he felt tempted to allow his thoughts to glide over the forest with the floating music. But he was on a mission, after all. Listening to what he was now sure was a choral he studied Severus instead.

To Remus surprise he seemed more relaxed than he had earlier that day. His tiredness was visible in his face, and more clearly obvious in the fact that he had dropped the spells he usually cloaked himself in. But the music seemed to take some of the tension off his body.

When the piece was over they sat in silence for a short while longer, listening to the machine whirring until it stopped the spinning disk inside and then clicked into standby. Remus felt as if the voices were still echoing through the room when he spoke.

"What kind of music was that?"

Severus drew a breath and slowly opened his eyes.

"Some old choral."

Clicking his tongue Remus controlled his reaction to tell Severus off.

"Obviously. What exactly?"

Moving slowly Severus stretched his hands, popping all the small joints in his fingers in the process.

"What they are singing? Old prayers. Sins, judgement and forgiveness."

He dropped his hands on his stomach again and pushed himself slowly upright.

"But you didn't come for lessons in cultural contexts, I gather."

Shaking his head Remus watched his visibly painful movement.

"No. I thought you were asleep and simply wanted to check on you."

Now finally sitting upright Severus pulled up his knees and dropped his elbows upon them, finding a stable position.

"I would guess you also have something else for me."

The vial sat heavy in the pockets of Remus' light summer robe.

"Why do you think so?"

Pushing his hair out of his face Severus grinned wearily. "Experience."

"Wouldn't that annul the concept of blackmail?"

He felt the slight pang of guilt and pushed it down immediately. If this was a game then the rules were his to make or bent.

"Not in the slightest. You got what you wanted, and now I will get what I want. We're even."

There was a certain logic in that, Remus had to admit. He ceded the point with a small nod, and pulled the vial from its hidden place. Carefully placing it on the table just out of Severus' reach he watched Severus follow his movements carefully.

"I see. And with which instructions did it come?"

It felt unnecessary to bluff on this.

"To make sure you hadn't taken anything else before and are actually resting. Which you are currently not, so I'd advise you to do that if you want me to hand over the vial. I would imagine you can't afford not to accept that."

The slight amusement in Severus' face barely hid his slowly growing impatience. "Interesting. Why would that be?"

There was always a smug feeling rising in Remus whenever he felt that he had outwitted Severus.

"Well, first it is obvious that you are in pain, so you didn't have anything in your immediate reach. Which leads to the second point, namely that you cannot quite deny my offer. Not if you want to have some semblance of rest tonight."

As always cold logic succeeded almost flawlessly. Severus stared at him for a short moment, visibly computing what Remus had said. Then he sighed and shrugged.

"My mental capacity seems to be on the decline. I can see now why Albus insisted on putting you out into the field back then. And what are your conditions?"

Trying hard not to allow a triumphant smile to glide over his face Remus nodded sternly.

"Being underestimated is one of the strongest tactics, as you should now. But my conditions are absolutely in your favour: take the potion, go to bed. But since you're not very likely to follow through with your words I'll remain here."

The look on Severus' face was priceless.

"You will remain where?"

Stretching his legs Remus sank a bit lower into the chair and deemed it comfortable. "Here. I can sleep on the couch."

Forcing himself to remain completely stern and resolute while internally being rather amused about the slow shock creeping over Severus' tired face Remus decided to start keeping count of the few times he had managed to render Severus speechless.

"It does look comfortable, after all. And I promised Poppy to make sure you're getting enough rest."

Slowly the realisation seemed to creep up to Severus that he would not get rid of Remus anytime soon. Then, feigning indifference, he shrugged and stretched towards the vial. It was a strangely quick surrender. Feeling a semblance of mercy rising within him Remus bent forward, too, and gave the vial a slow push into Severus' direction.

"You haven't taken anything else?"

Shaking his head Severus took the vial a bit too quickly and sank back on the couch. Quickly examining the label written in his own script he picked the cork off the small glass vial and downed the liquid without hesitation. Closing his eyes for a second he seemed to visible relax a little bit. Then he quickly gathered his composure and neatly replaced the cork on the now empty vial before carefully placing it on the table, his movements now purposefully slow, as if he tried to erase the hastiness he had displayed just moments earlier. A small part of Remus' mind brought the possibility of addiction up - an idea he had toyed with before, back in the Opium den while he had watched Severus smoke - but was pushed down immediately again when Severus addressed Remus.

"Now - do you really intend to stay here?"

Remus nodded. But before he could comment on the perceived comfort of the sofa once more he was interrupted by a small chiming sound, not unlike the one the timekeeping spells Severus used for keeping track of cauldrons emitted. Confused he looked around. Did Severus have another laboratory, stashed away in his bedroom? By now Remus was prepared for everything.

Severus, on the other hand, seemed visibly annoyed. The small sound came again, now reminding Remus distinctly of something far more mundane.

"Is that what it sounds like?"

Sudden movement came over Severus. He pushed himself off the couch and stood, waiting for a second until he stood firmly. Then he waved into Remus' direction, effectively shooing him away.

"You need to leave. Or at least stand over there."

He pointed towards the area where the door leading towards the hallway was. The ringing sound became more louder and more distinctively recognisable as a muggle phone. But Remus saw nothing of that sort, and had no idea why he suddenly was to leave his comfortable chair. His confusion was only mildly cleared when Severus made a hand gesture towards the fireplace, and a sudden fire erupted inside the fireguard.

Remus' halfway formed question was cut off mercilessly.

"No. Simply move."

The ringing echoed through the room once more, now sounding positively urgent and much louder than before. At the same time as Severus sat on the floor in front of the fireplace Remus stood up from his chair and hasted into the appointed corner. Not a second to early, as he quickly realised when Lucius Malfoy's head appeared in the flames.

"What the hell did you do to take that long? Your hole in the wall isn't big enough for any excuses."

Remus withdrew further into the corner cleverly situated in a way that the head floating in the fire could not see him. But now the fireplace obstructed his view on Malfoy, and all he could see was Severus himself on the thick rug in front of the fire. He had rearranged himself into a more natural position, sitting cross-legged on the floor. How he had done it Remus wasn't sure, but he had conjured the illusion spells cloaking his physical decline within the second it had taken him to move over to the fireplace.

"Fuck off, Lucius. I'm not at your beck and call."

Malfoy laughed, his voice being only slightly dulled by the flames. "A pity indeed. And what kind of rags are these?"

"Whatever I please to wear while roaming my sweeping quarters. What do you want?"

The impatience in his voice was clear.

"Are we touchy today? I want to know whether you'll be around tonight."

Rolling his eyes Severus shock his head and seemed to immediately regretting the sharp movement. Remus was sure Malfoy didn't notice, but for his knowing gaze the small movements to prevent the pain in his body from spontaneously flaring up were blatantly obvious.

"No. Is there anything specific going to happen? I didn't receive a message or call."

The fire crackled a bit more audible.

"There was none. My son told me in unclear terms that it will be September very soon. He is looking forward to see you again, so I decided that I want to make sure I'll have the pleasure first."

For some reasons Remus could not imagine a cosy dinner at Malfoy Manor with Malfoy senior and junior talking animatedly over a cup of tea and a few toasts with beans about the upcoming schoolyear.

"I can't imagine you actually listened to anything Draco had to say. Send him my regards, in any case. Same goes for you, for I have no intention to leave Scotland tonight."

Apparently Remus guesses weren't far off the mark. There was a prolonged silence from the fire, and Severus kept the resolute but slightly amused look on his face.

"You still look dreadful. How long will you continue to blame me for not ending your miserable life?"

The slightly crocked smile on Severus' face seemed strangely genuine.

"For as long as it shall last. Or until I kill you, I haven't decided yet."

Apparently these were terms of endearment to Malfoy, for he chuckled.

"We will see how that turns out. Now, don't be a sissy, get dressed and apparate to the Manor. We'll go, have a few shots and burn down a village or two. You'll be back tomorrow by lunch and nobody will be any wiser. Besides some charred muggles, but we all know that dead man tell no tales. Let's go, it will be like the old days were."

Severus crossed his arms before his chest, looking to Remus' eyes more like an irked child then the authoritative figure he usually cut. It might have something to do with him sitting bare-footed on the carpet, his legs folded up neatly.

"No. But did you just call me a sissy?"

Malfoy laughed again.

"Yes. I'm also willing to add wuss and wimp."

Snorting Severus shock his head. "When have I duelled you for the last time?"

"Come over and we can fight behind the house. Draco would be ecstatic, his technique suffered immensely in the last weeks. You should start giving duel classes in Hogwarts, but that's a topic for another night."

Apparently Malfoy was quite enthusiastic about the idea of spending the evening blocking curses.

"All of this is a topic for another night. I have work, Lucius. Term will start next week, as you are well aware of."

There was another silence and Remus guessed that Malfoy was pouting.

"I don't see how you can spend so much time among this Gryffindor mob."

Smiling sarcastically Severus shrugged.

"The things we do for the greater good. Anything else?"

Their conversation hadn't lasted long, but Remus ventured that the either the painkiller was slowly kicking in, or that Severus couldn't bear sitting on the ground any longer. He seemed intend to get rid of Malfoy as quickly as possible.

"If I can't persuade you to spent the night - no. Though I will stand by my word and claim you're being a right sissy."

Severus didn't reply. Instead he quickly moved his hand, making a movement as if he caught air in his hand and then threw it into the fire. The flames crackled loudly and Malfoy cursed.

"Be damned, my carpet! That's a French hand-woven two-hundred-year-old large - Narcissa won't be amused."

Severus only lifted an eyebrow. "Send her my regards, then."

"Like hell I will. Next time you come over I'll make you inspect the carpet up close, if you catch my drift."

It took every inch of Remus' self-control not to sputter with the sudden realisation.

"Your subtlety is refreshing as always. Have a good evening, Lucius."

The fire crackled some more.

"Severus."

Pointlessly waving a hand Severus shock his head. "Good-bye."

Apparently Malfoy had resigned himself to his fate of spending the evening alone or in the company of his heir.

"Very well. Good-bye."

And with that he was gone. Without the open connection the fire died almost immediately, leaving the room in a sudden half-light. Remus hadn't even noticed that it was getting dark outside.

Almost at the same instance Severus brought his hands to his face and rubbed his forehead. When he dropped his arms again his illusion spell had fallen and he looked beyond tired.

Coming out of his corner Remus returned to his former chair with the intention to sit down comfortably again.

"I feel like I should apologise for eavesdropping on your private conversation."

Severus remained on the ground, from Remus' new position almost obscured by the sofa.

"Don't be absurd, that was hardly a private conversation. Lucius is simply obnoxious. But he cannot be allowed to catch even the slightest hint that something might be amiss. He is high in the Dark Lord's favours, and has a loose tongue. A very useful combination that could prove itself deadly rather quickly."

Although his sentences were still fluid Severus' speech pattern suddenly seemed slightly uneven, as if he were fighting for words. It took Remus a quick second to understand why, and inwardly cursing he got up from the comfortable chair again and walked around the sofa to the spot where Severus was still folded up on the ground. He had drawn his knees up, resting his head on the side of the sofa. He had gone from pale to grey and his hands seemed to tremble slightly.

"Are you still on the ground because it's comfortable? You should get to bed."

Holding out his hand Remus half-hoped Severus would accept the offer. But it didn't surprise him when the gesture was fully ignored. But at least Severus nodded, waited for a moment longer and then slowly pushed himself off the floor using the sofa as support. Finally upright he immediately sat on the armrest again, with closed eyes waiting for what Remus assumed was dizziness to vanish.

Remus stood close enough to reach out should anything happen, but he didn't dare to do anything else.

Finally Severus opened his eyes again and once more rubbed his forehead. Then he stood up, slowly, and made his way through the living room. Remus trailed behind him, trying to not make it look as if he were escorting him towards the bedroom.

"And you still want to sleep on the sofa?"

Remus nodded. "Absolutely."

Defeated Severus shock his head.

"At least you're not trying to talk me into burning down a village. Or two."

They reached the bedroom. Without any apparent effort Severus closed the thick curtains with a handmotion, and the dim light on one of the nightstands turned on by itself. With visible relief Severus sat down on the edge of his bed.

"There's another spare blanket in the lowest drawer. And a pillow. Help yourself."

Remus did as instructed, and indeed found a blanket and pillow in there, faintly smelling of lavender. Taking both out he noticed that the drawer closed silently by itself.

"Thank you. Does the painkiller work?"

Now with profoundly slowed reflexes Severus shrugged. He didn't say anything, seemingly concentrated on sitting and Remus decided to cut their conversation short.

"Good. I'll leave you alone, then. I'm in your living room, in case you need anything."

And with that and his pillow he left, pulling the door behind him but then leaving it just slightly ajar. The gap was small but big enough for Remus to hear the disbelieving sound Severus made, followed by the rustling of covers pushed around. The light went out immediately.

Sleeping in someone else's' space was nothing foreign to Remus. He had been on streets for so long, wandering from any willing benefactor's house to the next one that he was convinced he could sleep practically everywhere. In Severus' bathroom he utilized a few useful spells cleaning his teeth and face, used the loo and then walked back into the living room. The makeshift bed was set up quickly, the curtains rustled as he pulled them close and the window snapped shut with only a small clacking sound.

The sofa was just as comfortable as it looked, and Remus stretched with contentment. Wrapped into the freshly washed sheets and the comforting wooden smell prevalent in Severus' rooms he drifted off quickly.

When he was woken in the middle of the night he needed a moment to reconstruct where he was, why he was there, and what exactly had wakened him. He quickly managed to place the sofa in the correct context, added the information that he had been placed as a gatekeeper of sorts to make sure everything would be alright with Severus. The sound that had woken him, however, seemed difficult to place.

He listened into the darkness and the temporary silence. His confusion was cleared away quickly, however, when he picked up the well-known sounds of someone moving in the bathroom. He heard water flush, then more water running into a sink, the sound of someone splashing their face. Relaxing muscles he hadn't realized he had even tensed up Remus waited for the sound of first one door, then footsteps on the wooden floor and another door.

The first sound came quickly - a door being moved slowly, and then closed with an emphasis on not making unnecessary noise. He registered that apparently Severus tried to not wake him up and couldn't decide whether it was to allow Remus more sleep or to not draw attention to anything. Then there were steps, two, three unbalanced ones and a rustling sound - someone dragging a hand over the wall? Remus was unsure. The next thing, however, was the very clear noise of a body moving towards the ground with more speed than necessary, and the soft thud it left on the wooden floor.

Remus was out of his bed in an instance and produced a soft light as quickly as he could. He reached the small hallway leading to the bathroom quickly, and in the dim light he saw the contour of Severus' motionless form on the floor. Hurrying to his side Remus knelt, carefully touching him and quickly checking for basic vital signs. He found a shallow pulse, far too slow for Remus' taste, and cold sweat on his forehead.

He had just reached out to turn Severus gently around when he drew a shaky breath. In the dim light Remus' spell had produced Severus blinked.

"What - "

The panic in Remus' stomach slowly faded and he relaxed. Just a fainting spell, then. Hopefully.

"Shh, it's alright. I think you lost consciousness for a moment. Stay down, breathe. How do you feel?"

It took Severus a few seconds to control his breathing and gain more strength. His skin was ice-cold to Remus' touch.

"Like shit."

Grinning Remus nodded. "That would be obvious. Don't move."

Now being on solid ground and knowing what to do Remus gained his calm back. He quickly retrieved a thick pillow from the sofa, placed it on the ground and propped Severus' feet up, and on a second round picked up the water glass Severus had left on the table the evening before. It wasn't perfect, but it would do.

Returning to the hallway he sat down on the ground again.

"You should drink some water. But you have to sit up a little bit. I'll move you, just keep still."

He didn't even wait for Severus' explicit consent. Instead he carefully took hold of his shoulders, wrapped his arms around him and lifted him just the smallest amount. At the same time he slid his own body a bit closer and managed to lean Severus comfortably against himself. There was not complaint.

"Are you okay?"

He felt Severus nod more than he saw it and also noticed how Severus seemed mostly occupied with keeping his breathing even. He wasn't heavy against Remus' body, just a light weight. Remus felt strangely comfortable on the hard floor.

"You will have quite a few bruises from that fall. Here, have some water. Can you hold the glass?"

Severus nodded again, and with shaking hands took the glass from Remus. He slowly drank the entire glass and placed it on the floor next to them.

"Well. Let me take your pulse again - I'd like to know if you're going to stay conscious."

It was obvious that Severus wasn't capable of putting up any resistance, even if he had wanted to. Completely at Remus' mercy he shrugged. Taking the offered right hand Remus wrapped his fingers around the thin wrist, feeling the deep scar underneath his sensitive fingertips. Trying to concentrate he counted the seconds against the softly beating pulse and felt reluctant to let go when he was done.

"We should stay here a moment longer, otherwise you'll just go down again."

There was no point discussing his decision.

"Do I look like I would argue?"

Despite the audible weakness in Severus' voice the tone was still sardonic enough to make it clear who Remus was talking to.

"No. But I do know you, at least by now, and I believe you could talk your way out of your own coffin if you had to."

Remus tried to put as much easy cheerfulness into his voice as possible without sounding like Albus Dumbledore, and succeeded only marginally. But Severus' shoulders against Remus' chest relaxed, and it seemed as if he hadn't really noticed that Remus' hand was still solidly wrapped around his wrist, essentially cradling it carefully.

"I feel like I'm not going to talk myself out of this anytime soon."

The layers of meaning in the simple sentence where manifold, and Remus wasn't quite sure which one he preferred. He picked the one he knew they had to talk about once more anyway, and loosened his grip on Severus' wrist, only to now fully take his hand and hold it firmly.

"I think you won't."

Severus' response was nothing beyond a low hum that could either mean complete resignation or an agreeable surrender. Remus decided not to think about it further.

They stayed on the floor for a few more minutes until Remus took Severus' pulse again, deemed it stable enough and carefully hoisted both of them off the ground. They made their way to the bedroom slowly, Remus essentially carrying all of Severus' body weight easily. Once again he was reminded that he was physically stronger, something he was entirely unused to in his dealings with men.

Reaching the bedroom Severus seemed grateful to sink down on the edge of the bed. The light on the nightstand turned on immediately, and Remus allowed his own light spell to vanish. Only then he realized that he hadn't even used his wand, conjuring a small round orb with a simple handmotion and a strong Lumos spell. The pride over his newest feat of wandless magic painted a grin on his face that Severus noticed with a tilt of his head. Then he looked at Remus' hands and even in his slightly foggy state understood.

"Fear is an excellent catalyzer for wandless magic."

Remus quickly pondered the many meanings yet again, but Severus swung his legs over the edge of the bed and stretched under the covers with relief. Looking around in the bedroom Remus spotted a chair in the corner. Walking around the bed he drew it up, considering whether he should get his wand and attempt a spell that would turn the hard wooden object into something slightly more comfortable. Severus observed the scenario with a disapproving glance.

"What do you think you're doing there?"

That much for the man's famous quick reasoning, then.

"Looking for a comfortable place to stay while I'm watching you sleep? And do not even try to talk me out of your bedroom. I will stay."

In passing he remembered the room in the hospital wing, the perfect white covers and Severus' lifeless form. How many times had he sat watching him sleep? How many nights had Poppy spent at his side, waiting for him to wake up or turn worse?

"It is your decision. But - " He stopped in the middle of the sentence and pulled a rather confused face. " - why don't you simply sleep in the bed?"

It would be easy, of course, but that wasn't the - Remus' line of thought stopped in the middle of his sentence. Had Severus just invited him into his bed?

"Are you sure?"

Now annoyed Severus gestured towards the other half of the bed. "I do not intend to rape you, if you worry about that. Just get in, the light hurts my eyes."

There was no need to invite Remus twice. He quickly replaced the chair to its original spot, and slipped into the bed. It was large and comfortable, and made up to perfectly accommodate another person who preferred having his or her own pillow, although there was only one large blanket. As soon as Remus had sat down Severus extinguished the lights and Remus heard - and felt - him stretch and turn around.

"I'm still not sure why you're doing that but, well, I think I should thank you."

Severus' voice was very close to Remus' ear, and the hair on his neck rose immediately. Maybe that hadn't been such a good idea, after all. Did Severus know that Remus was a rather cuddly sleeper? Should he have told him? Questions galloped through Remus' head.

"Nonsense, really. Sleep."

The response was but a low hum, and Remus could perfectly pinpoint the moment when Severus fell asleep just seconds later. With his steady breathing as background noise Remus relaxed slowly into the comfort of the bed. It smelled almost like his own one did on the other side of the castle, but the mattress seemed a bit thicker and more luxurious than the default one Hogwarts offered. The sheets were perfectly soft - and Remus was asleep before he could even continue to scrutinise every other little thing about the bed he was currently sharing.

He awoke again in the first light of the new day. The sun was not up yet, but the night outside was slowly fading and the curtains weren't fully closed. Remus only scratched the surface of wakefulness first. Without his incentive his mind seemed to wander through his surroundings for clues. The room was still mostly dark, the bodies of furniture lurking like brooding silhouettes in the corners. There was the bed, large and comfortable, and his own body perfectly relaxed and at ease. He felt his limbs heavy with sleep, warm. His mind registered the smell of his surroundings and nudged him towards the realisation that he wasn't sleeping in his own bed. But it was Hogwarts, decidedly Hogwarts, with the smell of lavender and woods and warm stone.

His mind was ready to sink back again beneath the surface of sleep when it registered something else. There was a second body in his bed, someone else, and it wasn't the familiar weight of Sirius who had ended up in Remus' bed after too much wine or talk, and usually firmly kept to his side of the mattress. No, this other body had a different build, seemed lighter somehow, a bit less stable than the known and measured and agreed weight of his best friend. This body was closer than he usually slept with anybody, tucked perfectly against the space Remus' body occupied, Remus' limbs draped over and wrapped around its parameters. There was a back pressed against Remus' chest, vertebrae and sharp shoulderblades noticeable under the thin fabric of a t-shirt, Remus' arm draped over a waist and his hand pressed against a flat stomach, holding firmly in place whoever slept there. Remus' nose touched the back of a neck, hair brushed aside, and if he only pursed his lips he would almost kiss skin. His own legs were tangled into someone else's', someone much taller but neatly follded and curled up just the right size to fit perfectly against Remus.

Remus blinked against the sleep and the dim light and found that he was curled around Severus. His confused mind was suddenly very alert and very awake, and he hardly managed not to move.

It wasn't the first time Remus' woke up next to someone new. He had a history of casual sex, picking up men and women - really, who cared - in nightclubs in the seedier parts of London, sharing a drink, maybe two or ten, and then going home with someone. He never took someone to his place. He didn't have a home that qualified as a location for random sex, no place that wouldn't make anybody with any trace of sanity left bolt immediately. No, he allowed others to drag him home, to shove him into a bus or the last tube or guide him on endless marches across the city. He only ever went to muggle clubs. Wizards had too many questions, after all, and the community was too small. But there were hordes of muggles in London, ever changing, and he never met the same person twice. He used condoms and tried to leave, but sometimes it was inevitable to fall asleep and wake up the next morning and sneak away before breakfast. Breakfast meant trouble, and he had enough of that already. He never left a number - for what? there was no phone line where he lived - and went by three different names. Nobody ever asked or questioned anything.

But he had never accidentally woken up entangled into someone whom he actually knew. And not without even having sex or given some other sort of consent before. He didn't move. But lying perfectly still he felt the closeness even more, felt where exactly his body touched Severus, where their skin inevitably met. Bare feet touching, his hand flat against the skin of Severus' stomach, placed just below the rim of the t-shirt. His face touching the nape of Severus' neck- the sensations were suddenly sweeping Remus off his feet.

He swallowed a lot of spit, and tried to calm his breathing. But it didn't quite work, and instead of returning to his calm state of sleep again he chocked on his own salvia and jerked away, coughing loud enough to wake up an entire village. Inwardly cursing he tried to calm himself, which only resulted in more coughs and prolonged gasping for air. Severus, rudely woken by the sudden withdraw of Remus' body and the noise, growled into his pillow and buried himself deeper into the blanket.

Finally being able to breathe again and properly annoyed by his own misconduct Remus flopped into the pillows on his back, trying to catch his breath. He almost startled when suddenly a glass of water nudged against his shoulder. Trying not to fall into a coughing fit again he stared at the offending tableware for a brief moment and then realized that the glass was attached to a hand and a rather tired face.

"Water. Don't die in my bed. Hard to explain."

Severus' voice was coarse and thick with sleep, and he was dragging his vowels in a manner that suddenly placed a hint of an regional accent in his otherwise flawless highbrow pronunciation. Remus took the glass, sat up and felt the flush rising in his cheeks. Drowning the liquid he tried to come up with anything clever to say that would explain why he had basically used Severus as a cuddly toy while leaving up the option of slipping his hands further under that t-shirt. Sadly his mind had decided to go back into sleep again, leaving his body a rather hapless and useless mess.

"Hum, thanks."

The water helped to sooth his throat, at least, and he only coughed once more to make sure everything was fine now. The glass vanished again from his hand and he watched Severus stretch a bit to place it back on the nightstand.

"Yes. And now shut up. Too early."

Being rid of the glass Severus fell back into the bed and turned again into the position he had been sleeping in before Remus had suddenly decided to choke on his own salvia. Burying his head in the pillow he closed his eyes and seemed almost asleep again immediately.

Remus watched him, feeling insecurity rising inside him. The need to return to their original position was unbearable, but just like this - without any excuses? He looked down at Severus, seeing everything and nothing. Black hair against the white pillow, his left arm stretched out, palms upturned and relaxed, the Dark Mark against the white skin, the t-shirt still not back in place, exposing a stretch of skin over the waistband of the soft pyjama trousers - and there was salvia in Remus' mouth again.

"Are you done with staring?"

It seemed that Remus' sudden stillness had been a bit too obvious. Carefully swallowing Remus decimated the salvia in his mouth and cleared his throat.

"You - ergh, I mean, I, well - I think I - "

He didn't make sense, and it was impossible to overlook. Inwardly cursing himself he tried to get a grip.

Apparently now abandoning the idea of getting any sleep any time soon Severus sighed into his pillow, and pushed himself up. While Remus still fought for words he reached towards the nightstand again, refilled the water glass from the caraffe positioned there and emptied the glass quickly. Then he turned around, to Remus' utter horror facing him now completely.

"Yes? Tell me your heart's trouble, and when it's said and talked about we can hopefully sleep again."

The imitation of the soft voice Pomona Sprout used to sooth anxious Hufflepuff First-years tipped Remus over the edge.

"How can you be that snarky at this hour?"

He simply didn't know where to put his hands. Severus facing him like that, crumpled, hair chaotic and a not-so-subtle hint of five-o'-clock shadow on his cheeks was simply too much for Remus' self-control. And even though Severus was obviously dead tired and still half-asleep there was that gleam in his eyes Remus' had grown to like. A lot, actually.

"Well, what is your problem?"

Remus blinked, twice. It didn't help.

"I, uh, that - ah, fuck it - "

But before he could even finish his sentence Severus inched closer, wrapped his left had around Remus' neck and pulled him into a kiss. And that was all the invitation Remus actually needed. It took him one motion to return the kiss, then keep their lips together while he took Severus' by the shoulder and used his own weight to throw him on his back and press him down. Now helplessly tangled into the blanket Remus landed on top of him, still kissing him with all the hunger he had felt in the past weeks. They parted for only a second to gasp for air, faces very close.

"I believe the sentence you're looking for is fuck me."

Severus' voice was but a gentle hum in Remus' ear, deep and dark and very inviting. Remus' only answer was a growl, a deep rumbling back in his throat, and that was as clear as he would get about this issue.

There was no sleep for both of them to have anytime soon. It was what Remus had wanted for such a long time now, and he took every minute of it. Soon their clothing was on the floor, next to the pillow Remus had kicked out mercilessly.

In the very first light of the morning Remus felt as if a long wait had finally come to an end. Roaming his hands over the body he had wanted to touch, taking in all the new sights and sensations, finding spots he didn't know and yearned to explore and familiarise himself with. In return he offered his own body, without hesitation, to be traced and caressed and discovered anew. To his own surprise he felt no shame about the desolate state of his own person. It seemed that, for the first time in a very long while, there would be no need to hide his many damages. Not even his scars, even though they were the one thing that had always inhibited him the most, the hideous web of fear and death and blood ripped into his stomach, the clear sign pointing towards his defect, the visible reminder what he was. Even with muggles, with lovers who didn't know about such things as the brutality of a full moon he was afraid that anyone would find them disgusting. He was disfigured, and he knew it.

But Severus had scars of his own, and he did not wince as his fingertips traced the deep lines in Remus' skin. In return he didn't flinch when Remus' hands discovered another healed wound on his own body, did not seem to bother that Remus wanted to find them all. And Remus found more than he had thought.

There were long, strange marks across Severus' back, clean cuts, old, healed. Deep and ragged ones over one of his shoulders, shorter this time, as if a claw had been buried into the skin and dragged through muscles and skin. There was the thick scar on his right wrist that Remus now kissed profoundly, as if he were trying to erase what he thought had engraved it there. There were round burn marks on the inside of Severus' right arm, marks Remus knew cigarettes extinguished on skin left. There was a short scar behind his left ear, small but still visible to Remus's searching eyes. There were the many small burn marks and scars his years of working as a potionsmaster had brought him, and bones protruding skin, and dark bruises from the fall the night before.

It was a broken body under Remus' hands, but it didn't matter. He gave himself entirely up to the moment, and to curious hands on himself - long fingers skimming his muscles, sliding over his torso, measuring the web of scars and finding other remnants of transformation and pain. Remus growled under the soft pressure of deft fingertips, quickly finding all the right spots, and revelled in the pressure of Severus' hands entangled in his hair.

They took it slow, fitting for the very early morning and the sleepiness they felt at first. But Remus wasn't shy, and he was pleased to find that Severus' wasn't either. But they were gentle, careful not to trespass on unstable ground. They had agreed on sex with nothing more then a kiss and right then it was simply that - a physical thrill, finally taking what they had wanted all along.

There was hardly any talk. Severus pleasantly surprised Remus by having condoms and lube, and by knowing precisely well what he did and wanted and enjoyed. There was no trace of the strange fumbling Remus was used to from having one-night-stands - but then he remembered how he had found out that Severus did use his own body as commodity if the need arose, and it was only likely that he would be good at what he was offering.

It was only one small instance where Remus had to say something, had to break the atmosphere of silence they seemed to have agreed upon. He broke a long kiss, already quite out of breath, his fingers tight around Severus' neck, the other sliding down his chest.

"You feel better? And you know what you're doing? Werewolf? Blood and such?"

Severus nodded, for a second slightly annoyed. Digging his fingers deeper into the flesh of Remus' arse he waited for the reaction, which came promptly.

"Want a lecture?"

His voice was a deep, mocking rumble, doing nothing for Remus' composure. He pressed against Severus, bent down and bit into his shoulder, carefully, not drawing blood. That was his answer, and it was enough.

They feel asleep again soon afterwards, spread out on the bed, an entangled mess of limbs, crumbled sheets, sweat and chaos. Remus lay on his back, half-covered by Severus, whose face was buried in his shoulders. The last waves of pleasure were only slowly ebbing away in Remus' satisfied body, his mind still in a haze of endorphines. It was an easy thing to simply wrap one arm around Severus, feeling his now comfortably relaxed breathing and steady heartbeat. Remus' other hand was still entangled with Severus' long fingers, and there was nothing in the whole wide world that could have possible convinced Remus to let go of him, not now or possibly any time soon. Closing his eyes against the slowly rising morning sun he smiled for no particular reason and fell asleep.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 27/7/2015

**A/N**: This was supposed to be the last chapter, but it turned out to be too long - so now it's cut into two halves. Second part to come later this week!


	26. How does it feel

**How does it feel to know  
**

It was already late morning when the sun finally managed to wake Remus from his deep sleep. Sprawled across the bed he stretched lazily, taking advantage of the large space that he had all to himself. The sheets besides him were crumpled but cool to his touch, and he quickly deduced that he had been sleeping alone for a while. The door leading towards the other rooms was ajar, and taking a moment to listen into the silence Remus fine hearing picked up the faintest sounds of movement in the living area - the rustling of paper and soft clink of china.

But Remus was in no hurry, and the satisfaction from last night still sat in his bones, making him lazy and deliberately slow. Stretched out on his back he looked at the ceiling, tracing the patterns the sunlight carved into the whitewashed stone. He didn't need to think twice for the source of his nakedness or the relaxation of his body, and there wasn't even a slight sting of regret somewhere - unusual for his one-night stands, if he had to be honest.

Finally he commanded himself upwards, and on bare feet padded over the wooden floor towards the bathroom. A glance over his shoulder through the doorframe leading towards the living area revealed a newspaper visible above the backrest of the sofa. The smell of strong Earl Grey tea was faintly traceable in the air.

After a long and hot shower Remus wandered back into the bedroom and dressed in yesterdays' clothing before finally moving towards the living area.

Severus sat on the sofa, already impeccably dressed, the sleeves of his white shirt rolled up to his elbow. However he felt underneath his unruffeled appearance was hidden by the layers of spells again tightly wrapped around him. The papers and books on the coffee table were now neatly sorted, and on a second glance Remus noticed that the letters were gone. The Daily Prophet was scattered all over the sofa. Severus was reading the Literature review pages, and from his facial expression he wasn't quite in agreement with the writer's opinion. There was a large teapot on the table with a mug placed just in arm's reach before him on the table.

Walking around the sofa so he could sit on the other side - currently occupied by the parts of the newspaper dealing with Quidditch and the Wizarding Stock Trade - Remus caught a glimpse of a red bite mark barely visible underneath the starched white collar of Severus' shirt. There was nothing he could do against the grin on his face as he flopped rather gracelessly onto the sofa after having brushed the newspaper aside.

The Literature Review lowered, and under Severus' rather amused gaze his grin only broadened.

"What are you laughing at?"

Picking up another part of the newspaper and flipping through it Remus shrugged.

"I guess I never thought you were the type to spend a slow morning with the newspaper. Are you feeling better?"

Severus reached for his tea mug.

"With this specific kind of newspaper it feels more like spending the morning in the company of a blubbering idiot. And yes."

The Earl Grey was now strongly in Remus' nose, and after Severus had sipped the tea Remus held out his hand and took the mug over himself. He quickly recognized the same brew he had first tasted in the café in Oxford, what now seemed half a decade ago. If he had known back then - but Severus interrupted his line of thought.

"You could simply ask for your own mug."

There was a slight hint of irritation in Severus' voice, but nothing strong enough to bother Remus.

"I like sharing things. And I think I should be off - what time is it anyway?"

Severus took the mug back and looked at the clock on the mantelpiece.

"Half past nine. You are a heavy sleeper, quite impressive."

Lifted by an invisible hand the heavy teapot came hovering form the table and refilled the mug in Severus' hand before it carefully replaced itself on the table.

"Well, you could have woken me. I should leave, isn't there another meeting scheduled?"

Picking up the newspaper again with his free hand Severus nodded.

"At ten."

The realisation hit Remus, and he jumped up from the sofa. He wasn't even remotely prepared, and there was another scheduling issue he had to debate with Hagrid before their meeting.

"You really could have woken me. I'll see you."

Vanishing behind the newspaper again Severus simply nodded, continuing his reading while trying not to burn himself on the hot tea.

Realising that there was no chance he would get further attention - or maybe even a kiss - Remus went looking for his shoes. They were still neatly placed underneath the reading chair where he had left them last night, and he slipped them on quickly. Wondering if there was anything else he had to say he stopped halfway towards the corridor.

"Hum, so - "

But before he could finish his sentence the newspaper rustled again and Severus became visible above the paper wall.

"Before I forget to tell you - I just send an owl to Libavius. You recall that the stocks are empty and Albus wasted my entire Hyle."

Remus nodded. The full moon wasn't that far off, and he had wondered about the plans before.

"When are you going to brew?"

His thoughts immediately focused on the complicated process. It had been a terrifying experience, but not one he wasn't eager to repeat working with Severus himself.

"First weekend in term, then there should be enough time for the potion to set before the full moon. Albus is keen on assisting to see where he lacks in technical experience."

He examined Remus' face and then sighed. "I see. I'll let you know when we plan to work."

Nodding Remus put all the satisfaction he felt into his smile, receiving only shake of the head in return.

"Thanks. Will I see you around?"

Severus looked slightly amused. "Unless you intend to leave the castle you will."

With that he returned to his newspaper for good, and Remus made haste to leave so he would manage to at least change into proper robes before the meeting began.

Returning to his rooms he was greeted by the unusual sight of Sirius sitting in his reading chair. Dressed in shorts and a ratty t-shirt he held one of the crime novels he liked to read in his hands. But it was obvious that he wasn't in Remus' quarters to enjoy a quiet morning with his books, and his pointed looks at the clock made his annoyance clear.

"Ah, so Mr. Moony deems coming home appropriate after all."

Suppressing the irritation rising inside him Remus nodded and marched straight towards his bathroom. Brushing his still wet hair quickly he frowned at his own reflection in the mirror and inwardly ordered himself to keep calm.

But Sirius seemed to have other plans. While Remus dressed in his full teaching robes he wandered into the bedroom and sat heavily down at the edge of the bed.

"I have come to a very distressing conclusion, you know."

Slipping into the wide outer robe Remus sighed.

"Have you."

It wasn't a question, but Sirius nodded gravely.

"You're fucking the bat."

There was a whole world of betrayal in Sirius' hurt tone, bur Remus was having none of it. Turning on his heel he faced his friend with a lot more force than Sirius had expected.

"And what if I do? It's none of you bloody business. Be happy for me or not, but keep it to yourself. I'm fed up with all these old stories, okay?"

He wasn't done with his monologue, but the clock in his living room chimed ten times and he hadn't even picked up his papers.

"There's a meeting at ten. We can talk later, but I will not discuss this with you. Deal with it, or don't."

Stomping out of his bedroom he left his perplexed friend behind, and only halfway up to the large meeting room realised that Sirius probably had only made a rough guess - and gotten much more of a confirmation than he had ever wanted.

He marched into the faculty common room five minutes late, interrupting Albus' small speech concerning the schedule for festivities in the first month of the new year. Minerva to his right had a large planner before her, noting down his remarks while nodding and slipping papers over to Filius Flitwick. Remus took the last open seat and nodded into the general direction of everybody.

"Ah, Remus, how lovely that you could join us. I was just talking about the Halloween festivities. We should decide on the appropriate music in the next days."

Rolanda Hooch rolled her eyes. "Albus, we had the same band for the last ten years. They do their job, are available and play tolerable music. There's no need to discuss anything here."

Nodding Minerva greed. "That is true. Or did you have something else in mind?" Albus shrugged, but apparently did have an idea - none that Remus found especially convincing, and he followed the conversation only loosely while taking out his papers and trying to sort through them as inconspicuous as possible. Severus, seated to Albus' left hand, did the same and, as usually during faculty meetings that did not concern any academics in his sphere of influence or his own house, looked bored to death.

The meeting was over just before lunch time, and Remus didn't feel as if they had achieved anything. Amidst the general noise of chairs being pushed back and papers shuffled around he shoved his own, now neatly arranged and sorted papers into a folder and rose to catch Pomona Sprout and discuss issues regarding a few specific plants he needed for various lessons. There was a broad variety of impressive flesh eating-plantlike creatures out there that qualified as related to dark magic, and he had planned a rather adventurous lecture on them for his seventh year-class. Pomona was surprised but pleased, and they decided on meeting in the greenhouses later that afternoon.

Next to them Minerva and Severus were discussing a few minor points concerning the introductory dinner and Halloween, while Flitwick listened to both of them simultaneously. More meetings between the Heads of the Houses were scheduled for later that day, and Severus gathered his notes when Albus tapped him on the shoulders. With the meeting over most of the teachers had already left the faculty room.

"Did you already clean your laboratory?"

Severus tucked his papers under his arms and shook his head. "No, but it's on my schedule for tomorrow."

Joining them Remus jumped into the conversation. "Like a spring-cleaning?"

Albus smiled. "Autumn-cleaning, I'd rather say."

"Shall I help? I worked there too, after all."

The idea solicited only a shrug from Severus, but Albus seemed delighted. "What a splendid idea! Four hands get more done than two, after all. Wouldn't you agree?"

Shaking his head Severus glanced around the almost empty room.

"It's always touching to see how much you like to sign others up for work." His tone was dry, but Remus sensed the humour - and Albus did, too.

"A man needs to know what he can do and is good at. And I'd venture Remus would be great at cleaning cauldrons, after all the learning effort in the last month."

Amused Remus watched the visible effort Severus put into resisting the temptation to use a well-placed curse on Albus.

"We will see, I fear."

Seemingly oblivious to Severus' internal struggle Albus padded his shoulder. "I knew you two would get along splendidly."

The answer was lost even to Remus' fine hearing, but Albus erupted in sudden laughter and Severus fled the room much faster than his dignity usually allowed.

Whatever Albus knew or didn't know was on Remus' mind for the next hours - but then these issues were firmly pushed aside as the whirlwind the preparations for the upcoming year had turned into swept him off his feet. There was simply no time for everything now, and he quickly learnt to regret that he hadn't spent enough time during the summer to prepare.

Ignoring Sirius as much as he could Remus worked in his rooms and the library, attending one meeting after the other, talking to Pomona Sprout and Hagrid, arranging spaces for creatures to live and sorting through his books. His office had mostly been vacant during the holidays, and he sorted through left-over essays from last year's classes, dusted his bookshelves off and requested the houseelves to give the windows a good scrub.

He didn't manage to catch Severus that same day, and there was hardly any time to talk on the next. He was strangely happy that Albus had set him up for his cleaning date the next day. During a quick talk in the corridor Severus had instructed him to wear clothing appropriate for their task, and as such Remus wore old jeans and a ragged t-shirt when he walked through the already opened door.

He smelled the cleaning liquids immediately. The room had been rearranged from its usual layout, the work tables pushed against the walls and stacked upon each other, leaving most of the floor empty and easy to clean. One table had been moved next to the sink, and was covered in cauldrons that obvious needed a thorough cleaning.

Severus himself stood at the sink, watching the water filling up a bucket from which a strong scent of lemon emerged. He had kept his own advice, wearing visibly old loose trousers and a washed-out t-shirt with a hole in the sleeve. There was a frayed piece of grey cloth wrapped around his left wrist, obscuring the Dark Mark, and another more intact around his head, keeping his hair out of his face.

"You look like a charlady. Are headscarves in fashion right now?"

Inside the bucket the foam from the cleaning liquid became visible, and Severus stopped the running water with a handmotion.

"How did Albus put it so charmingly - a man needs to know what he's good at. Do you want to clean the floor or wash the cauldrons?"

Remus remembered Albus telling him how Severus had run his master's house when he had been an apprentice with Basilius Valentinus a long time ago - and from what he had seen in Albus' memories and learnt in the meantime he could absolutely believe that it was true now.

"Washing up. Are you going to scrub the floor by hand? I can't say I detest the sight of you working on your knees."

Snorting Severus hoisted the bucket out of the sink and carried it over to a corner.

"There is a whole club dedicated to that view, I can assure you. The large bottle of Nihilio is in the storage room, use very hot water. If your hands can't stand it I can teach you a spell to protect your skin, but don't resort to cold water."

Nodding Remus went to retrieve the bottle from the storage room. He found the chamber already impeccably clean and perfectly organised. Apparently Severus had been busy with his autumn-cleaning for a few hours already.

When he returned to the laboratory Severus had already splashed water on the ground and settled down, scrubbing the stones vigorously with a large sturdy brush. It was a strange sight to see him utterly concentrated on such a simple task - but he wasn't any more perfunctory then he would be handling dangerous and expensive ingredients.

And Remus couldn't resist but walk over, and kneel down himself, the bottle of Nihilio balanced on his knee. Surprised Severus looked up, the question already visible in his raised eyebrow. But Remus only grinned, leant over, and kissed him. He had slept alone the last nights, after fighting with Sirius once more and only reaching an unstable truce with his best friend. Waking up alone hadn't been worth it, he had decided - but there was no time to ponder such things with the myriad of tasks he had to deal with.

And they hadn't spoken at all during the morning. Brushing past Severus in the corridors and meeting him in public was a thing, yes - but it seemed to have nothing to do with the man he had slept with two nights ago. Wrapped in layers of black fabric Severus had slipped into his role as Head of Slytherin easily, leaving Remus with the question whether he could kiss that personification of Severus or not, and what exactly they were doing there.

But now, sitting on the ground scrubbing the floor in his old muggle clothing Severus was so decidedly the man Remus had grown to like - and had fucked - that questioning whether he was touchable or not seemed idiotic.

It was only a short kiss, hinting only slightly at any sexual want, and they broke apart quickly again. Remus sat back on his heels and felt the stupid grin spread on his face, the bottle of Nihilio still carefully balanced on his knee.

"I thought you were here to scrub cauldrons."

There was still the familiar dryness in Severus' voice, but Remus also picked up on the slightly rough edge behind it, and felt the warmth spread in his stomach.

"I am, I guess. I was just pleased to see you."

For a moment he thought Severus would say something, but then he simply shrugged and focused on his cleaning again. Remus took the hint, but kept the smile on his face and went to the sink to attack the cauldrons.

They worked in companionable silence for over an hour. Remus enjoyed manual labour, and scrubbing cauldrons wasn't too hard of a task that he wouldn't know how to do it properly. The movements were simple and repeated themselves over and over again, and soon he found himself in a meditative calm. Behind his back he heard the brush scrubbing the floor in the same recurring pattern.

Their quietude was suddenly interrupted by footsteps outside of the laboratory, and the unexpected appearance of Albus Dumbledore in the door. He carried a paper folder, and from the slight blush in his face it was obvious that he had hurried from wherever he had been. Being pulled back from his meditative calm Remus looked up in surprise and immediately sensed the strange change in atmosphere.

Albus' face was stern and it took Remus not two seconds to pick up on his barely concealed anger. He marched straight through the laboratory until he came to a stop right before the spot where Severus was scrubbing the floor, staring down at him.

"Explain this. Now."

Albus rarely gave orders, but when he did it was obvious that there was no room for refusal. Instantly Remus remembered the scene in the forest, and how Albus had mercilessly commanded Severus to do his will, using the exact same tone of voice now once more.

Severus, seemingly not too flustered, sat back on his heels.

"That floor was freshly cleaned. I do hope you have a good excuse for ruining it again."

Holding the paper folder out Albus glared at him.

"Actually it is you who I hope has a good excuse."

Sighing Severus placed the brush on the floor, rose slowly and dried his hands on the kitchen towel he had kept slung over his shoulders. Then he took the folder from Albus and flipped through its contents. He looked at the first papers, then quickly glanced up at Albus. But Albus only crossed his arms in front of his chest. Taking two steps back Severus sat on top of the nearest work table and with a gesture towards the door used a silent spell to close it. Remus felt the tension in the room rise as another spell descended, soundproofing the laboratory against any unwelcome listeners.

In the next minutes Severus silently read through the entire folder. Remus only managed to catch a glimpse or two of the papers inside, and registered the writing as official ministry papers. It seemed stupid to continue scrubbing the cauldrons, so he dried his hands off. But he remained where he was.

When Severus was done he closed the folder again and looked up, straight at Albus.

"You think I did that?"

His voice was calm and controlled, not betraying any emotion. Albus simply nodded, and then glanced at Remus over his shoulder.

"I think you should leave us alone for a moment, Remus."

But Severus help up a hand.

"That won't be necessary."

It seemed as if Albus didn't agree entirely, but he didn't complain. Remus tried to piece the information he had together, but he still couldn't quite catch what was going on.

Severus focused his attention back to Albus.

"So, let me sum it up. The ministry pulled the body of Harold Overy out of a northern river yesterday - I'm surprised it wasn't in the paper this morning, but I guess it will be in there soon?"

Albus took the folder back.

"So far it's been kept under close wraps. As long as it isn't clear who decided to get rid of Overy the Ministry remains firm in it's decision to not inform the press. Arthur passed the papers along to me this morning against his orders - that's how secret they try to keep it."

Nodding Severus crossed his legs.

"I see. But would you care to tell me why exactly you believe that it was me who killed Overy?"

The lines on Albus face deepened. Remus remembered the duel in the forest and Albus' order to drop Overy off somewhere public and wipe any trace of Severus' magic off him. Had there been a problem?

"You do have a motive, after all, and you already admitted that you had considered killing him. The opportunity would have been there. It wouldn't have been illogical if you think about it - no need to worry about him spilling any of your secrets any more. Tempting, maybe?"

Remus didn't like the tone in Albus' voice, the accusation all too clear. Severus remained stoic.

"As flattered as I am you miss the crucial point."

He pointed towards the closed folder. "The second report states Overy was killed by a clean killing curse. We both agree that anybody could use an Avada, there's not much magic to that. It's simply a blast of energy. No refinement needed."

Albus nodded. "And?"

"As I said, it's a blast of energy. But it uses a lot of magic that needs to be focused on that single aim to kill immediately. As much as I might be honoured by you thinking I could perform a spell like that without my wand - I can't."

Following the argument Remus recalled the scene in the forest in his mind and then quickly connected the pieces together. And Albus did, too.

"I had your wand."

Severus nodded, face still void of any visible emotion.

"Yes. And I didn't have time or opportunity afterwards. So if I had been willing to kill Overy, I would have done it right then and there. I haven't left Hogwarts since that night and my later unfortunate encounter with the Dark Lord, as you are well aware. The last time I saw Overy he was still alive. I placed him in a public space, wiped the traces of my magic off him and left."

Albus nodded. "You weren't gone long."

"Five minutes, or less. And you know everything I did afterwards. You questioned me under Veritasserum, if you remember."

For a short moment Albus didn't speak. Through the opened windows Remus heard the sounds of the forest. A soft wind came into the laboratory, and the floor where Albus stood was almost dry again.

From the way Severus looked straight at Albus Remus was willing to bet that there was some level of legilimency at action that he couldn't detect. But he wasn't too sure.

Finally Albus drew a deep breath and his shoulders relaxed.

"I owe you an apology. I don't know why - I'm sorry. It was too tempting."

Severus kept his arms crossed in front of his chest, his face still blank. But his voice was flat, and Remus detected the well-hidden hurt just barely.

"Understandably."

Albus shock his head, but before he could say something or apologise again Severus continued.

"I think I will be able to find out what happened soon. I will inform you, of course."

Surprised Albus raised an eyebrow. "He will call?"

Shrugging Severus allowed his arms to drop. "Tonight, yes."

"Just in time before the new year begins. Are you sure?"

Instead of a reply Severus brushed his right hand over the knot on the frayed cloth hiding the Dark Mark. It untied itself and the grey fabric fell away, revealing the hideous skull. The Mark seemed darker than usual, the skin around it red and inflamed.

Visibly without thinking Albus reached out, but Severus pulled his arm back quickly, raising his hands to stop the anticipated touch. With a hurt look on his face Albus dropped his arms.

"Has that happened before? I can't recall."

Carefully wrapping the cloth around his wrist again and sealing it with a knot that tied itself Severus shrugged. "He's impatient. It will be a very interesting night."

Nodding Albus stepped back. "Please come to me afterwards. Even if there's nothing to tell me. And please - " He hesitated a moment, and a short look of desperation crossed over his face " - just be careful."

Done with the knot Severus crossed his arms in front of his chest again. "As always." There was another short moment of silence heavy with unspoken conflict and sadness.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?"

Albus flinched under the coolness in Severus' voice, but then shock his head. "No, I'll leave you both to your cleaning. Apologies for interrupting you in the first place."

And with that he was gone again, leaving the door wide open behind him. The silencing spell dissolved as if nothing had happened.

In the laboratory Severus remained unmoving, and Remus tried to find words fitting the situation.

"I'm sorry these things are happening again and again."

Sighing Severus pushed himself off the table. "Business as usual."

"Yes, but still - it can't be easy. Can I ask you a question?"

Severus nodded, and picked the brush up from the floor.

"I noticed that you flinch when Albus touches the Dark Mark - does it hurt?"

Surprised Severus looked up. "You seem to be a very keen observer. Yes. Usually only when he touches the mark itself, but on days like these - " he motion towards his wrapped left wrist " - it doesn't matter where."

Walking over to his bucket he felt the temperature of the water, and warmed it up with a handmotion. Easing himself back on the floor he dipped the brush into the water.

"But how does that come?"

Following Severus' example Remus checked the temperature of the water in the sink, and added more hot water from the tap.

"Think about it as ownership issues. And now back to your cauldrons, or we won't get done anytime soon."

Nodding Remus returned to his scrubbing and rinsing. But even thought the work soon lulled him into a meditative state again his thoughts didn't stop circling over the scene he had just witnessed, and he couldn't help but muse on the uneasy feeling in his stomach.

They didn't speak much, even after they finished their cleaning. The laboratory had returned to its former order, set up with the work tables in their proper places, and seemed to shine with cleanliness. Looking over the fruits of their efforts Remus couldn't help but notice how good it felt to actually see the results his word yielded. Teaching was a wonderful thing, but simple physical work sometimes gave him a satisfaction hardly any other type of work could provide.

"Looks good, just so we can mess it up again with the Wolfsbane."

Hiding a small smile Severus nodded, drying his hands one last time on one of the towels. Then he suddenly seemed to remember something and reached into the pocket of his trousers.

"Speaking of Wolfsbane - this arrived today."

Remus took the small parchment scroll and unrolled it quickly. It was a short note, written in a neat round hand, dark ink on high quality parchment. There was a short line of alchemic calculations, two question marks and two short sentence:

_Hyle? Come and do math. Bring Prof. Lupin_.

That was all, but Remus understood.

"So you're going to St. Aurelius?"

Severus nodded. "I had plans to go Saturday in the morning. And since your presence was explicitly requested - if you're free?"

Technically he wasn't but if he moved things in his schedule and worked a few hours longer the next two days -

"I could try. Oxford was nice the last time around."

There was a hint of a nostalgic smile ghosting over Severus face, gone as soon as it had come.

"It always is. Saturday after breakfast, then."

Remus made a mental note and tried not to be too enthusiastic.

"What does he mean with doing math?"

Severus took the small roll back and it vanished into his pockets again.

"He's stuck somewhere. The calculation on the scroll indicates some sort of three-level-calculation that is far too complicated to explain right now. You will see."

Remus nodded, and they left the laboratory together. Outside it became quickly obvious that Severus' thoughts drifted off, and Remus understood that there was no point trying to solicit more company that night. They parted ways with a curt goodbye, and Remus returned to his own rooms and work.

At least that gave him enough time to give Sirius a stern talking to, and reaffirm their friendship with sharing a bottle of good Gin. Unlike Sirius Remus wasn't a heavy or very experienced drinker, but sacrificing the liquor - it had been a gift from Minerva - had seemed appropriate. It had been a good night, with talk and laughter after some mild cussing from Sirius, and they had ended the night on the firm decision that their friendship was stable despite whoever Remus deemed fuckable or not. Remus had staggered to bed relieved, and decidedly drunk.

But in his dreams mental images from the past nights mixed with those of nights long gone, and when he startled awake it was very early in the morning. His head pounded from the overindulgence in alcohol and talk, and his stomach was queasy and heavy. Outside his room it wasn't properly morning yet.

He fell back into his sweat-drenched pillows and tried to chase the images of thrown curses and yelled insults from his mind. But whenever he closed his eyes he saw the green lighting flash, and he snapped his eyes open quickly again, admonishing himself for being able to produce images like this in the first place.

There was no use staying in bed. He had work, after all, and sleep would not come back to him anytime soon. A quick shower and a brisk morning walk would chase away the dreams and refresh his mind.

He showered quickly and rather cold, but as soon as he was properly dressed and left his rooms he discovered that his stomach was still uneasy and his whole body unstable. Instead of making his way over the grounds he decided to simply walk up the astronomy tower and take in the view over the forest. It would be nice to see the sunrise, and then return to his rooms and put his idle mind to proper use.

Already on the staircase he picked up on the faint smell of cigarette smoke. Hesitating a moment he wondered whether he was making things up. Deep in thought he continued, and with every step the smell grew more intense until he finally reached the door leading to the open platform.

Like a giant dark bird Severus was perched on the towers stone railing, leaning against the stone at the very edge, feet propped up before him, crossed at the ankles. He had taken off the heavy black cloak and draped it carelessly over his lap. Hanging down it nearly touched the stone floor. Besides his pale face above the high collar there was no skin visible, his hands still hidden in black leather gloves. He was slowly smoking his cigarette, and from the thick smell on the tower Remus guessed that it wasn't the first of that morning.

"How the hell do you always manage to stumble upon me when I'm here?"

He hadn't even turned his head, but then Remus hadn't been tiptoeing either.

"I don't know, to be honest. I wasn't even looking for you this time. Needed some air, after some rather disturbing dreams."

Severus nodded simply, and Remus took a seat on the stone railing next to him.

"Are you alright?"

Exhaling smoke Severus nodded. "If you mean unhurt, then yes."

They fell into silence and Remus felt the distance between them grow by the second. It was clear that there were too many things that happened that they would never be able to talk about, and too many variations of themselves that were untouchable. The Death Eater remained removed from Remus, but so did the wolf for Severus. How could it be possible to have so many layers to them and yet, still, sometimes manage to find the right versions of both of them at the same time in the same place?

Remus was so deeply lost in thought that he jerked up when Severus spoke again.

"Are you alseep?"

Shaking his head and passing a hand through his hair Remus yawned. "Tired, but not alseep. What were you saying?"

Sighing Severus threw the bud of his cigarette over the railing and watched it fall and vanish.

"Nevermind."

He took his cloak from his lap and swung his feet back onto the solid ground of the platform.

"Come on, tell me."

Standing up Severus turned around again, the cloak draped over his arm. In the large pockets Remus caught a glimpse of something silver, not-so-neatly tucked into the cloak, and tried to look away.

"Lucius killed Overy. It seems he got his evening entertainment, after all."

Surprised Remus had to forcibly remind himself to keep his mouth closed. "How the hell did that happen?"

Severus shrugged. "Bad luck for Overy. Apparently he had been out and about trying to recover his tracks, feeling his way back to his former glorious treacherous self when he approached Lucius anew. This time it ended badly for him. Lucius told someone else to get rid of the body, and so Overy ended up in that river. Rather mundane, if you ask me."

"DId you tell Albus?"

The look on Severus face spoke volumes. "He was delighted."

Nodding Remus registered the acid in Severus' voice, but decided to not pursue that particular trail further. He wasn't up to compete with Severus this morning, even if the man was visible exhausted and on the edge.

But he didn't have to. Even before Remus could think of an appropriate answer Severus had nodded his goodbye, and wordlessly vanished from the tower. He left Remus to his own thoughts, and it was only an hour later, when Remus had already settled comfortably at his own desk, when he suddenly realised that he forgotten to ask Severus about the night as a whole.

He didn't have to, though. The newspaper arrived in a flurry of owls slightly delayed this morning, and immediately elicited uttered curses from Minerva. Leaning over from his place Remus caught a glimpse of the cover and regretted not having finished his breakfast first. The headline carried news of another attacks that night, and the large picture underneath it showed a village in flames with the green skull blazing in the sky above.

He had to wait until Minerva was done with the newspaper and the discussion flared up around him. The attack had hit a small muggle village in southern England, effectively being aimed at obliterating the whole place. Unspeakable cruelty spoke from the pages, and Minerva was so enraged that she could hardly contain herself. The whole table erupted in a flurry of curse words piled on top of Tom Riddle and his deranged followers, and Remus suddenly understood perfectly well why Severus wasn't present. He suddenly felt glad that there was no order meeting scheduled for the same weekend. They would resume their meetings in the first week of school, but not before.

Leaving the table at an appropriate moment Remus returned to his quarters and tried to submerge himself into work. But he wasn't quite successful, remembering too many details, hearing Malfoy's voice in his head telling Severus to come over and burn down a village. It had sounded more fun than the horrifying images in the Daily Prophet looked. Though that, of course, depended on which side you were on. Dead muggles, in any case, did not tell tales.

He met Severus per accident in the corridor that night, returning from the library on his way to the Great Hall just in time for dinner. Seeing Severus surprised him, as he had picked a shortcut corridor that was rather out of general use. But then it made sense, for it had been obvious that Severus had been trying to stay away from the faculty that day. Remus couldn't fault him for that. The atmosphere from the morning hadn't quite changed. More and more news from the attack came in and everybody was exasperated.

"I figure you're not on your way to dinner?"

Shaking his head Severus stopped. He had changed into his usual robes, but his general air of tiredness from that morning remained. He was visibly exhausted, but now there was also a deep desperation set into his features. It was no wonder he kept to the unused corridors.

"No."

Rearranging his books in his grip Remus nodded.

"I read the newspaper. It must have been horrible."

His remark seemed to turn Severus into stone on the spot. Remus could almost feel the painful tension in the man's body, and suddenly realised that while the faculty had been cursing Tom Riddle and found a way to voice their anger Severus was trapped in the eternal circle of being forced to do these things and pretending to enjoy the cruelty, while everyone around him suspected that what he displayed was genuine.

"I'm sorry."

For some odd reason that was all Remus could say. It was all that made sense. And it seemed to wake Severus from his stupor. He blinked, visibly pushing something in his mind away, and then nodded.

"So am I."

His voice was strangely hoarse, thick with emotions he usually kept securely hidden away. But before Remus could react he nodded once, and then walked away. Remus watched him leave and vanish around a corner, and could hardly contain himself to not follow him.

That night the heat broke in a long thunderstorm, lightning up the castle, keeping Remus wide awake until long past midnight. Then the rain came, long and heavy, and through the opened windows the first cold air in weeks cooled Remus' rooms down.

The next morning the sky was grey. Heavy clouds hang low, and Remus spent the day frantically working at his desk. It was the last Friday before the students would return, and his schedule was now all set. In the castle talk was still making rounds about the attack, but Severus had reappeared during lunch and not been lynched. He was taciturn as always, wrapped in layers of black fabric, and kept his stern mask solidly in place. Those who knew tried not to think about it, and those who didn't ignored him just as easily as ever.

Albus announced a meeting of the Heads of Houses that night and a splendid dinner for the next evening. They had to celebrate their respective freedom once last time before the students returned, and everybody agreed and laughed at the joke.

Minerva nodded and added more steak to her plate. "I can't believe summer is gone. It never feels real until we recast the wards."

Observing her now tightly tied bun Remus nodded and considered commenting on her hairstyle. He decided against it, however, and passed the potatoes bowl to Pomona Sprout.

"Is that what is going to happen tonight?"

Flitwick, seated next to Minerva, called the bread basket towards him with a wave of his hand. Minerva watched the basket float by and then nodded.

"Yes - but you've never been here before for that, haven't you?"

Remus considered the addition of vinegar to his chips and decided against it. "No, it was my first summer. Last year I arrived with the students."

"Luckily, if I might say. Here, have the salt. No, it's not that spectacular. But you will see."

The bread basket came floating back, but this time it hovered right past Remus and into Severus outstretched hand.

"I would say it is spectacular."

Minerva smiled. "That's because you're still so young, Severus. And it's absolutely not your type of magic, so naturally it's rather unusual for you still."

"What do you mean by that?"

As always curiosity got the better of Remus. She gestured into Severus' general direction with her knife before attacking her steak and explaining.

"Well, casting protective shielding spells is very close to Transfiguration. It requires a lot of energy and precision, but also the capability of weaving various spells into one, forming something like a magical texture. When you use a shielding spell in a fight it's only one spell, but the Hogwarts wards are construction of various protective layers. We will recast every single one of them tonight, filling in holes and see where they are frayed. It's quite a bit of work."

Flitwick nodded. "It will take all evening, I fear. Always does."

"Did you just devalue my transfiguration skills, Minerva?"

She giggled and impaled the meat with her fork. "I'm glad you got the hint."

Severus' answer got lost in the laughter rising around her, but Remus threw a quick glance at him and noticed that he seemed more relaxed than before.

The conversation drifted away from the wards, and Remus didn't ask any further question. But the same evening he suddenly realised what Minerva had meant. He stood in the entrance hall talking to Hagrid when suddenly the stones around them seemed to shudder, and a powerful magical field spread over the castle.

Stopping in the middle of his sentence Remus stared at Hagrid who grinned in return.

"What the hell was that?"

Hagrid beamed and pointed towards the opened large doors.

"Recasting them wards, Remus. Never felt that before, hum?"

He hadn't, that much was for sure. He had no clue how it exactly worked, but however it did - the combined magic of the four Heads of Houses, with Albus' own power added to it was impressive. All night he felt the adjustments in the magical atmosphere in the castle, literally sensing strange jolts of sudden energy flare up in the air from time to time. Sometimes he even thought he could detect when a certain strong spell was being cast, though nothing like the first wave of magic occurred again. He slept strangely well that night, as if the strong spells had somehow put his mind at ease and allowed him to finally relax fully again.

The next morning Remus got up early, relaxed and refreshed, and dressed for his arrangement with Severus. Choosing muggle clothing and adding a sweater after a look out of the window revealed that, apparently, summer was now over for good. Dark clouds were hanging in the sky, and Remus decided last-minute to take the large black umbrella Molly had given him as a gift for Christmas last year. At least he came to use it for once and it showed the most magnificent night sky with glittering stars and constellations when opened - though he hoped he would have to keep it close.

Severus had followed the same line of thought, though he didn't carry an umbrella. But the dark suit jacket and leather boots gave him an air of formality Remus found fitting for the end of summer. He looked tired, as if he were still half-asleep, and stayed mostly silent on their way up to the forest.

"Casting the wards was taxing, I take?"

Drawing a hand through his hair Severus exhibited a rare moment of vanity. "Do I look that bad? Libavius will kill me. But yes, it's exhausting. As Minerva put it so nicely, it's not my type of magic at all."

Remembering the shudders of pure power running over the castle Remus nodded. "It was impressive, just as you said. I could feel the five of you going through the various layers all night long."

"It took ages this time. One of the lower spells had frayed remarkably in the past year and needed to be redone almost completely. By now the castle itself is so thoroughly saturated with magic that it's surprising it needs any added power at all. But it does, quite a bit. Though you wouldn't believe from watching Minerva, it's her element."

They had reached the place where the protective spells ended, and as Remus passed through the invisible barrier he felt the magic brush over his skin. Surprised he stopped, reached out and found the exact space with his hand. Waving it through the air he felt the tingle on his skin every time his hand passed through the shield.

Severus watched him slightly amused. "That will vanish in a few days. This specific barrier is new, and we added a few interesting quirks to it. In a week you won't know it's there, which is the point if you think about it."

He reached out and held his hand out. When his fingertips touched the space where Remus knew the wards ended a sudden green light appeared, and for a brief second the shield became visible. It was gone as soon as it had come, but Remus was surprised.

"How does that work? Is that a certain spell?" He waved his own hand around, but nothing happened. Severus grinned.

"Not really. I just made one of the layers visible. The Head of Slytherin traditionally casts most of the anti-apparition wards, which is the one you're currently playing with. It's the most obvious protective layer, but, lucky for me, one of the easier ones. Just requires a fair bit of power and concentration, but well."

He threw a quick glance at his pocket watch. "In any case, we should be going. Libavius will be waiting."

They apparated to the designated spot in Oxford separately. Opening his eyes longing for the sight of golden stone in the sun Remus was instead greeted by a grey and cool drizzle. Internally congratulating himself for bringing an umbrella he opened it and was immediately joined by Severus.

With a disapproving glance Severus eyed the puddle beneath his feet. "I knew it. It always rains here at this time of the year. Let's go."

They hurried through the cobblestone ally and across the larger main road towards the space where Remus knew St. Aurelius to be. It was obvious that term time was closer now. The rain had chased the tourists away, and they had been replaced by students and professors hurrying through the rain, carrying heavy backpacks, briefcases and paper bags.

It didn't take them long to reach the college, and Remus watched it appear out of nothingness with the same fascination he had felt during the first time. The old grim porter was still there, and once again they inscribed their names into the large visitors' book.

But this time they met nobody on their way to the laboratories. Knocking twice they entered the same space they had been in the first time Remus had meet Libavius.

Now there were no signs of cauldrons or any active work. Instead there was Libavius himself, sitting cross-legged on one of the work benches. He wore red trousers and a green-and-white striped poloshirt, which clashed badly with each other and his hair. His curls, obviously just dried from the rain, swayed around his head like a strange and fluffy halo. He stared silently at the wall opposite of his makeshift seat where a large blackboard had been fixed to wall. It was covered with numbers and alchemic symbols with hardly a free space to fit another number on.

Upon their entry he immediately jumped up from his position.

"Finally! I never believe you'll actually come until I see you. Professor Lupin, a pleasure."

He shook Remus' hand as if he wanted to pull his arm off, exchanged the left-handed-handshake with Severus and then pulled him in for a kiss on the cheek.

Shaking his head Severus patted him on the shoulder.

"I see you finally grew a backbone and stopped me from stealing your Hyle?"

Libavius laughed and sat down on the bench again.

"Not entirely. But your request came at just the right time. I want someone to solve my problem and you want Hyle. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours, you know."

Pulling a disgusted face Severus shrugged out of his jacket.

"Please don't take that literally, thank you. What can I do for you?"

Pointing towards the blackboard Libavius picked a piece of chalk up that until then had been sitting next to him on the bench.

"Solve that. It's a calculation one of my doctoratus candidates did, and something is wrong. He redid it, I redid it, I can't find anything. But it doesn't work. Save my reputation!"

Severus crossed through the room and stared at the blackboard. He quickly skimmed over the monstrous calculation and then turned around.

"Are you taking the piss? That will take hours."

Libavius grinned and walked over to the pegs next to the wall where his own jacket hung.

"Which is why you brought Professor Lupin, who'll be my company for a coffee if he doesn't mind being used in that way. There is a lot of paper over there, pencils, more chalk. Help yourself."

The look on Severus' face was priceless, a mixture of genuine shock at being fooled and annoyance.

"Your Hyle is getting rather expensive."

Shrugging Libavius pulled his jacket on, and opened the door.

"Do ut des, milà_č_ku."

Shaking his head Severus picked up the chalk, cast a silent spell and watched it hover towards the blackboard. "At least buy Professor Lupin a coffee and entertain him while I'm stuck here."

"I will. Have fun with my numbers!"

He blew a kiss over his shoulder and closed the door quickly. Remus couldn't catch the answer - but he was sure it wasn't a nice wish to enjoy their day. Allowing the grin to spread over his face he followed Libavius down the corridor.

"Forgive me, Professor, for using you such. I hope you don't mind?"

Remus didn't, and accepted the offered tour through the college. Libavius launched into a very detailed yet entertaining lecture on the history of St. Aurelius and guided Remus through various courts and houses. The college was much larger than Remus had anticipated, and much like Hogwarts it contained living architecture. It also housed a beautiful oriental looking room where stone columns seemed to grow towards the ceiling like trees, breaking into seemingly weightless patterns of foliage that took Remus' breath away.

In the high ceiling five globes hung, held up by invisible magical threads, turning silently in the dim light. Inside of them five symbols glittered softly, and Remus didn't take long to place them as the five alchemic elements.

"What is that?"

He pointed upwards, and Libavius' face lit up. "These are the elements. Every alchemist has his or her element. It used to be very important, but these days people think it's just a nifty little decorative thing. Nevertheless we all choose an element when we join the guild, depending on what we're working on, what genius we want to infuse our work with. I choose gold, in case you're curious, because it's the sign of the Opus magnum, and that's what I'm working on."

The spheres were silently turning in the air, making soft chiming noises as they moved, and Remus thought of them long after they had left the room.

Crossing one of the courtyards again Libavius opened a different door and led Remus up a staircase.

"Would you care for some coffee? I guess Severus isn't halfway through my calculation."

Remus agreed, and they entered a long room that looked like a modern version of the Great Hall he knew so well. Coffee was served from a small window leading to the kitchen, and they found a seat at one of the long tables quickly.

"So, if your element is gold because of the things you're working on, what element do spagyrians generally choose?"

Libavius smiled and dumped three spoonfuls of sugar into his pitiful coffee.

"Terra, usually. Are you actually trying to ask me what element Severus picked?"

Grinning Remus had to cede that he had been found out with a nod, and Libavius looked appropriately smug.

"I regret to have to inform you that nobody knows. He keeps it secret."

Sipping his own, thankfully sugar-less coffee Remus was surprised.

"So this whole element-thing isn't that important?"

Libavius shock his head, his curls bouncing around.

"No, that's the thing - it is. You're registered with the guild under your element. It used to be the thing that would determine your whole career. So, what you are going to say, isn't Severus' element registered with the guild? It is, yes, but these records are private these days."

The whole process sounded very much like Severus indeed. But Remus didn't have time to think about it longer, as Libavius had obviously been waiting for a long time to properly interrogate him and launched into a volley of questions concerning everything he didn't know about Severus' private life. Remus answered the questions as faithfully as possible, retold the history of Hogwarts as detailed as he could, explained the house system and Slytherins' specific place inside the hierarchy and defended the virtues of boarding schools to the doubting bohemian. In return Libavius indulged him with tales from his own youth and the old city of Prague, spoke of cobbled alleys and beautiful architecture, long summer nights and terrific beer.

Two hours passed by quickly, and Remus was almost sad when they placed they mugs in the spot assigned for dirty dishes and left the hall. On their way down and back to the laboratories Libavius invited him to come for dinner sometime in the near future. He hadn't stopped praising his own culinary skill when they knocked and entered the laboratory again.

" - as I said, those caramelized onions will be just perfect with a dark brew. Ah, we're just on time."

He beamed down at Severus, who had found a chair and settled down at one of the empty benches, using it as a makeshift desk. He had apparently just finished writing and was in the process of arranging the papers in a neat stack.

"You are, what a rare thing that is. I hope you didn't drown Professor Lupin in your specific brand of rhetoric."

Libavius crossed the lab towards Severus' desk and picked one of the papers up.

"I tried, but he's a tough one. Your verdict on my calculation?"

Shaking his head Severus plucked the paper from Libavius' hand.

"You're an idiot and your doctoratus should go back to intro classes."

The confounded look on Libavius' face was priceless. "What?"

Sighing Severus stood up and shuffled the papers so that Libavius could see everything clearly.

"It's fine and dandy that you open three levels for your potency calculations - and you need all of these - but you are aware that you will need a fourth level after you've done the combination step? Plus the amount of Nihilio you're using here will have impact on the potency in the fifth bracket - right here. So, your basic energy potency has been changed by that, and you need to readjust that in the fourth level you should have opened two steps earlier. And that second decimal place over here is simply wrong."

Apparently the mistake was a rather silly one, and Libavius looked suitably mortified.

"Three people did these calculations before you - why did nobody find that?"

Severus' index finger pointed towards the first line of the calculation. "Because nobody had the time to reconstruct the basic formula and simply redo it." The stack of papers covered in his handwriting proofed that he had apparently redone the basic formula a couple of times before actually getting it right.

He stood up and picked his suit jacket from the back of the chair where he had slung it earlier.

"I did not redo the extractive calculations, by the way. Without having the charts that's too difficult - and your candidate is supposed to do something, too. Working with charts is a skill wildly overlooked these days."

Libavius was still focused on the sheets of paper in his hand.

"I can't believe I didn't see that. It's obvious!"

With a slightly sardonic smile Severus patted his shoulders.

"The most obvious things always go overlooked."

Libavius looked up. "But you tend to find them?"

Now grinning Severus shrugged his jacket back on. "No. But I had to defend my honour and earn my Hyle."

With a sigh Libavius set the papers down. "You did splendidly and shall be rewarded accordingly. Wait a moment."

Quickly he vanished into the storage room accessible through a door at the back of the room.

"Did he tie you to a chair and question you on pain of penalties?"

Grinning Remus nodded, but before he could say anything Libavius returned with a small leather pouch. He arrived at their spot again and held the pouch to Severus, who took it with a nod of thanks. It vanished into his pockets immediately.

"Of course I did, it was a chance I won't have anytime soon. But he didn't spill any of your secrets, as much as I hoped he might. We talked about the elements, too - oh, and I forgot to ask him what element he is. Professor Lupin, have you picked an element yet?"

Surprise Remus shrugged. "No, I didn't even know I had to. Does anything specific come to mind?"

Severus brushed remains of chalk off his hands. "Terra would, if you're going to become a spagyrian, which is only likely if you keep on working with me and not get talked into joining forces with Lib here."

"Are all spagyrians working under that sign?"

Libavius grinned, and Remus could almost feel the encouragement to continue that line of thought.

"No, but most of them. Variations are possible, of course. But don't take this whole element thing too serious, it's just some silly game. Well. Lib, it was a pleasure, but I must be off."

Out of the corner of his eye Remus watched Libavius' face fall and then recompose itself into a bright smile.

"Thank you for saving my job and my poor doctoratus. This has become a quite agreeable deal, I think. Oh, a propos agreeable, I invited Professor Lupin for dinner. You both must come. Mag will love him. And Ezra will try to make him perform every single childish spell he knows."

Remus couldn't help but laugh at that. "I fear I might know a few of these."

"So much the better! I'll send you an owl."

Severus nodded. "Do that, but - you know how busy I am."

Sighing dramatically Libavius nodded. "I guess we all do know that. I wonder what you're doing all the time? Not writing any useful books, that much is sure. Dear Professor Lupin, it was a pleasure. I hope to see you again soon. We must continue our discussion about beer."

Remus tried not to have his shoulder dislocated by Libavius enthusiastic handshake and smiled a brightly as he could. "Absolutely we must. And thank you for the tour." Libavius nodded. "I will have you try some of the best beers in the world when you two visit us."

Then he quickly exchanged his left-handed handshake with Severus and took the chance to grasp him tightly, pull him close and quickly kiss him on the cheek once more. Then he shooed him out.

"Now, begone spirit of that strange Scottish castle. I'll see you soon."

Slightly embarrassed Severus pulled back. "Yes, yes, by all means. I will see you soon. Send greetings to Mag and Ezra."

Remus was already out of the door when he hear Libavius stage-whisper his final greeting.

"I will, oh, and Severus - he's cute, you should really keep him."

Being already in the hallway Remus didn't get to see Severus face or witness his reaction - but the slightly shocked look on his face when he stepped back into the corridor told Remus enough. He opened his mouth to say something, but Severus immediately shock his head.

"Not a word, I advice you."

Quickly going through his options Remus decided to follow good advice when given and closed his mouth again. They made their way back through the drizzle in silence. It was obvious that Severus would not linger in Oxford and maybe repeat their visit to the beautiful café - or any of the inviting pubs they passed by.

Walking swiftly ahead he guided Remus over the wet cobblestones towards the apparition corner where he disappeared after a short nod in Remus' general direction. Remus followed shortly.

The Forbidden Forest was still dry, and Remus folded his umbrella up again before making haste to follow Severus towards the path that would lead them back to the castle. The invisible wards brushed over Remus' skin like silk curtains when they passed through them, and Remus briefly felt the welcoming ting of familiar magic.

Severus remained silent on the long way back to the edge of the forest, but he stopped as soon as they had left the thick wood. Lingering underneath the final trees before the forest gave way to the rolling meadow leading up to the castle he stood and cast a disapproving glance at the dark clouds hanging overhead.

Stopping next to him Remus couldn't help but follow his gaze.

"I think the rain will be here soon, too."

With a nod Severus agreed, and pulled a very crumpled pack of cigarettes from his suit jacket. Fumbling for a single cigarette he nearly dropped the pack once, and still seemed impatient when he snapped his fingers to produce the small flame. Then he nodded at Remus.

"There's no need to wait here."

Sensing that something was in the air Remus stabbed his umbrella into the ground and leant on the handle.

"No, I got a bit more time."

Shrugging Severus crammed the pack of cigarettes back into his pockets and inhaled the first drag deeply before blowing a smoke ring into the air. Watching the first, second and third smoke ring disappear Remus finally broke the silence.

"Professor Libavius had quite a few questions about you and complained that you haven't been around much in the past."

It had been obvious that Severus wasn't quite the oversharing type, even with what Remus assumed was his closest friend.

"There's hardly time for idleness these days." He took another drag. "He's a good man, Libavius."

For a second Remus considered pointing out that Severus had just borrowed Hagrids preferred description of Albus, but resisted the temptation. Instead he leant a bit more on his umbrella.

"Sure. He also seems to be rather fond of you." It was the easiest summary Remus found for the obvious dedication the man seemed to have towards Severus.

Shaking his head Severus tipped the ash off the cigarette.

"He doesn't know."

It was obvious what exactly Libavius didn't know. The images of the remains of the village were still in the newspaper every day.

"Do you think his perception of you would change?"

Snorting Severus nearly choked on the smoke. He coughed rather ungracefully a few times, fighting for air.

"Is that a joke? Naturally it would."

The dark clouds were hanging heavy in the sky, and Remus watched them being blown towards Hogwarts by the wind.

"I think he'd understand that you're doing the right thing."

It was clear that Severus was deeply uncomfortable with their discussion, and Remus could tell from the way he handled the cigarette that he intensely wished to be alone. But Remus was done with doing him favours.

He was so lost in thought himself that he almost didn't notice Severus pulling a second cigarette from the package and lighting it. When he finally spoke it seemed as if he had been far away in his thoughts.

"There is no right in this."

Remus looked over. "What do you mean?"

The smoke ring billowed up towards the dark sky.

"That. There is no - it's not right, though that is what we all tell ourselves."

Pushing the tip of his umbrella deeper into the soft soil beneath their feet Remus sorted through his possible answers.

"The cause is good, isn't that enough?"

Severus shock his head. "No, because it is not. Not inherently, at least."

"Because nothing is inherently bad or good and everything depends on your point of view?"

It was obvious that Severus was impressed, and Remus considered whether he should feel insulted for a moment. He decided against it and continued his argument.

"You do tend to forget what I am. Although you know. You have seen me."

The second smoke ring went up into the sky, and Severus followed it with his eyes until it vanished.

"Indeed. I don't know if it's the same, though. You are - " he fell silent for a moment and Remus waited for the insult, the stab. It didn't come.

" - I don't know. But what I am I do know, and what part I play. In Dante's hell it's said that a traitors' soul departs in the moment of treason, and not when he finally dies. A rather impressive image, if you think of it."

Remus hadn't quite expected a sudden lecture on old literature, but he made a mental note to maybe, one day, pick up Dante. Not now, though.

"And do you think that happened to you?"

Severus hadn't anticipated the question, as it became obvious from his short silence. The next smoke ring fell victim to the rising wind and dissolved into a shapeless cloud.

"Maybe, yes. It's easy to say it's the right thing, but for me - what I betrayed and keep on selling out isn't the wrong side. It wasn't for me for a long time." He tipped the ash off the cigarette and watched it fall to the ground. "I betrayed everything and everyone. That is important, and it will not vanish."

"But what if it is what you had to do?"

Severus' second cigarette was almost dead. "And if not?"

The umbrella's tip turned in the dirt, digging into the ground.

"It is."

He put as much confidence into his voice as he could.

"How can you be so damn sure?"

There was frustration in Severus' voice, and he watched the cigarette stub between his fingers die out.

"Because I'm a bloody werewolf teaching at a school. I've been on the run my whole life ever since leaving this place. I know what I am, what I do, and what this society thinks I should do - being locked up in a cage with the key thrown far away. But here I am, and all it took was mercy, and care, and, unwilling as you were, you. But then - you know what the Wolfsbane did for me. There is that hell there, still, but I need no longer go there."

The umbrella seemed now stuck in the mud for good, and Remus carefully let go of the handle. It stood by itself for a second before falling slowly to the ground. Severus stayed silent, but from the way he returned Remus' gaze it was obvious that he was sorting through a complex line of thought in the labyrinth of his mind.

"If you could simply allow yourself a bit of the mercy you granted me with that potion - your life would be so much easier."

It was Remus' final point, and he crossed his arms in front of his chest and fell silent, leaving Severus to find an acceptable answer. It took him a long time, and when he finally did he seemed quite confused. The clouds had gathered above the turrets of the castle in the meantime, and Remus already heard the telltale sound of the first raindrops on the treetops.

"I'm not sure if I'm too good at this."

Involuntarily Remus nodded. "I'm sure you could try."

"But it will not change a thing. Though I am glad the Wolfsbane is helping."

The frustration in Severus' voice pulled at something inside Remus, and he had to hide the sort of smile one would bestow on a young child that had fallen off the swings.

"Well, I won't repeat my praise."

The dry statement elicited a small smile from Severus. "Lupin."

"I would believe that having sex is an excellent indicator for the need to change to a first-name-relationship. It's Remus, in case you didn't know."

Tilting his head to the side Severus accepted his defeat.

"Well. Remus, then."

It was obvious that he had difficulties with Remus' first name. He looked slightly embarrassed, which only added to Remus' growing amusement.

"You are bad at this, I do fully acknowledge it. Lucky for you your other qualities make up for it."

There was a sudden hint of blush on Severus' pale cheeks, and Remus' grin only grew.

"I certainly hope you're hinting at the quality of my potions."

There was no possible answer to this beyond reaching out, wrapping a hand around Severus' neck and kissing him. He tasted of smoke and coffee and yielded with surprising ease into Remus' touch. They kissed until they needed air, and when they parted again Remus wondered if that would be enough to take some of Severus' sadness away.

Lingering close he let his fingers glide over the lapels of Severus' suit jacket and smiled as wickedly as he could.

"Oh, absolutely. I'm not quite sure if there's anything else you're even remotely good at."

The answer elicited a wry smile from Severus.

"You're quite audacious."

Now looking straight at Severus Remus couldn't help but allow the smile on his face to spread into honest affection he usually kept securely tucked away.

"I am."

Leaning forward Remus kissed Severus again just as the first thunder rolled in the distance and Severus' hands found their space on his lower back, pulling him close. Rain started to fall, drenching the green leaves and the flags on the turrets. But it didn't manage to disturb the two man under the tree, no matter how heavy it fell.

Summer was definitely over, but Remus couldn't say he minded. Autumn, after all, looked like it would become very interesting.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 30/7/2015

_Do ut des, milàčku - You give and I return the favor, darling (latin/czech)_

**A/N**: Thanks for staying with me so far. This was the official final chapter of "Fire" - the Epilogue will take us into the future and see what happens after this autumn passed.. and time might not have been gentle. Also more AU, and it will take a bit to write, just like the end of "Fire" (which stopped having anything in common with it's german original version since chapter 20, hence the slow updates. Writing from scratch just takes longer).


	27. Epilogue: You'll feel it

**Epilogue**

**You'll feel it when you hit the ground**

The summer had been wet and cool, finally slowly making way towards an equally uncomfortable autumn, endless raindays slowly getting more and more chilly. The trees were still green, as were the meadows - this was England, after all.

Remus couldn't say he minded. There had been so much to do in these month, so many statements to give, so many funerals to attend. The Daily Prophet had been filled to the brim and beyond with obituaries, printing a special edition to honour those who had not managed to survive, the ones who had fallen. It had taken a while until they had the final bodycount, until they had managed to dig the last body out of the ruins that used to be a castle. It had been a girl in a school uniform with blue embroidery, fifth year, someone Remus had taught and liked, and when he looked at the bodycount and all the dead children he wondered how they could go on after this. They had died for the greater cause, that's what everyone said, but it seemed like a hollow excuse in Remus' ears. Whatever they had died for, the result was the same. Death Eaters, Aurors, Order members, children, they were all dead, and their names filled the same pages of the Daily Prophet. It was that simple.

And then there was nothing to do. Empty days for Remus, who didn't have a family to care for, who didn't have a home beyond what had fallen into the state of debris that day in May. He spent the first nights at the Weasly's home, not daring to go back to Grimmauld Place 12. Sirius had been gone for a while, for weeks and month, but the pain was still fresh.

He couldn't stay with the Weaslys, of course. Not forever, not on long-term. There were too many emotions running high in this house, too many voices and talk and news tearing on Remus' already frayed nerves. So he had done what he did best: he had run.

Vanishing into London had seemed like a good idea at the time. He had put money aside those last years, just a bit, not much, and Albus had bequeathed a small sum to him that could carry him afloat for a while. He had been surprised at the time the testament had been opened, as he hadn't expected the headmaster to bestow anything on him. Who was he, really? But he had something in his vault now, and he had taken this money and found a space to live in - a run down space, yes, not really close even to the outskirts of the city, yes, but still - a space. A flat, dirty and small, in a neighbourhood that smelled of exotic spice and where someone who wasn't a werewolf shouldn't stay out at night on their own for too long. Remus couldn't say he cared. The landlord hadn't asked questions, used to house prostitutes and drug dealers, taken the money and pressed a key into Remus' rough hands.

But there was still nothing to do. Almost like it had been those years before the position in Hogwarts had descended upon Remus' head like a miracle there was nobody who needed him. There was no work, no assignment, nobody to spy on, no owl from Albus Dumbledore to call on him. Albus Dumbledore was dead, anyway, and so was Sirius, and Remus could stop worrying about him, or at least should try to.

So with nobody to worry about and nobody to think about Remus went through his days. They consisted of sunrise and sunset, mostly in that order, and inbetween he walked through the city, walked and walked until he knew he would be tired enough to sleep that night, at least for a few hours. Until the nightmares came, of course.

It had taken two days after the final battle until someone had accidentally told Remus that they had found a man in the Shriecking Shack. In the chaos the war had left behind nobody had considered Remus to be an important person when it came to that particular detail, and it had taken a briefing situation with a few members of the order counting their dead when someone had off-handedly mentioned that they had found blood in the Shack, and a body, and that he hadn't been as dead as he had been supposed to be.

For a moment the world turned perfectly silent around Remus though he could see the others continue their talk. He was frozen in place, his tired face unmoving, trying not to think anything, not to give anything away. It was one of his best kept secrets, after all. Few had known, and most of them were dead now. Only Minerva lived and kept her silence, and she had other things to deal with these days.

With careful questions and his best tactic on display Remus had managed to interrogate Arthur later, and not knowing what he was doing to Remus the man had spilled the beans. A botched execution, death by snake gone wrong, or a well-placed antidote? Nobody knew that by then. And it hadn't been one of the inner circle Order members who had found the still breathing body. An auror had done a search of the Shack, hours after the battle was over, and apparated both of them into St. Mungos. There was a high-security ward patching the wounded Death Eaters back together, healing the worst damage so they could be shipped to Azkaban in time for their trials. The young Auror didn't have any idea whom he had found, just any of the crazed followers of the now-turned-to-ashes-tyrant, hadn't quite understood that he had picked up a man most of wizarding Britain had been looking for at one point. Blood did that to peoples faces, Remus assumed. And there had been quite a bit of blood, judging from the amount he had seen in the Shack days later.

So that knowledge had been there, too. For the first days it hadn't been as painful. The numbness from the battle was still there, the perpetual tiredness that wouldn't go away even in the month to come. Some days it was the only thing that kept Remus calm. When his brain was racing his limbs were heavy and painful, protesting when he forced them to function at his command, walking and walking, trying to keep up with the speed of his thoughts and never really getting there.

The full moon had been a saving grace at first. Remus had apparated to the empty regions in the north of Scotland where he knew nobody would accidentally come into his way. He still knew the areas where the packs used to run, the spaces where no humans without a death wish would ever venture. He had run amok there, finally achieving moments where his mind wasn't playing with images from that day in May. Instead of falling stones and flashes of power the beast only thought about the hunt, death not what had befallen his allies but a consequence brought on by its fangs and claws.

Remus had trudged back to his flat in the days after these first full moons with his body in shreds. Blood dried on his face and hand, limbs injured, bones in a continuous throbbing pain. It was much like the endless struggle of his twenties. Without Poppy to patch him up again, without the endless supply of potions coming out of a sunlit lab in Hogwarts things were difficult.

He spent two more full-moon session racing the moors and clawing himself apart before he gathered the courage to do what he knew was the logical thing. But even when he had finally managed to talk himself into doing it it seemed like a thing someone else did instead of Remus. Someone else talked to Arthur on the rare occasions they still met, usually because Arthur invited him for lunch, ostensibly to chat a bit, in reality to see if Remus had survived the last full moon. Remus only had to ask once, and Arthur immediately agreed to have one of his owls carry a small letter to Oxford and the reply back to Remus. If he had wondered why Remus had business with someone working for St. Aurelius he didn't ask, and Remus offered no explanation. The answer arrived, formal but still friendly. It took a moment for Remus to remember that this man, too, had lost something. They had been friendly, in these past two years, though they hadn't seen much of each other. But maybe that connection was enough to give him that chance he thoroughly needed. Still his heart was beating in his chest when he apparated into a courtyard and made his way through cobblestoned alleys. In his plastic bag bearing the name of a well-known supermarket chain he carried three leather-bound notebooks, and not even half an hour later he carefully placed them on a clean working table and watched Andreas Libavius loose his faith in everything he had ever believed in.

There was no heart-attack for Remus that day, and to his pleasant surprise the bohemian did not curse or throw his hands to the sky, or kicked Remus out of his lab. He seemed strangely unfazed by Remus' confession about his true nature, instead focusing on the impossible potion that had become so very possible under Severus' skilled hands. He leafed through the notebooks, shaking his head and murmuring to himself in a language Remus didn't understand, until he simply sat down, for a longer time, and stared at the wall. Remus left him to his thoughts, only to meet him at a crowded pub three days later where the potionsmaster bought him a pint and then proper food - as far as pub food could ever be proper - and then told him he would do it.

From this meeting onwards they forged a new careful friendship. The bohemian was a clever man, and it didn't take him long to figure out that Remus couldn't pay for the potion he needed, at least not every month. But St. Aurelius wasn't a poorhouse, and there was always some money floating around one could have if one was just a bit cunning and ambitious. And Remus quickly realised that his new ally could be a smart tactician behind a mask of softness and a very open smile, something that Remus had seen before and could fully appreciate. Libavius was at home in the academic game, and knew which strings he needed to pull to get what he wanted. The potion he provided Remus with worked with precision, tasted as horrible as always and looked mostly like it was supposed to . There was something different about it, but Remus wasn't in any position to question the grace that had been extended to him. He took what he could get, thankful, knowing fully well that he had nothing to give in return.

So Remus started to exchange letters with the potionsmaster, appeared in Oxford from time to time to pick up the potion, and sometimes could be forced to share a pint or two in the local pub. But it was difficult. Libavius was a quick thinker, used to follow through lines of an argument with deductive reasoning, double questioning everything. But even he hadn't been able to make sense of what had happened.

Of course everybody in the wizarding world knew that Severus had killed Albus Dumbledore, and Libavius had not been an exception. Even now, during these meetings in the pub Remus could still feel how Libavius' world had crumpled down when he had heard the news, found confirmation in official notes from the Ministry, and still hadn't been able to believe that his old friend had been capable of these things.

His worldview had been shaken up once again, month later, when Severus had appeared to him at night as if he were already a ghost, uttering nothing but a strong warning, telling him to pack up and leave the country if his family wanted to survive. Despite all logical arguments Libavius had believed him and managed to take an impromptu vacation, vanishing back to Prague just in time for his London home go up in flames on one of the raids the Death Eaters staged on wizards and witches who had married into muggle blood. Lucky for him he lived in a muggle neighbourhood and the fire brigade had managed to prevent most of the intended damage. He had returned to England after the Battle had been won, rebuilding his life with his family still alive, needing nothing more than a new roof. He had no dead to bury. His confusion, though, had not been lifted.

He had carefully prodded Remus for answers all their past meetings, gently, always retreating immediately when it became obvious that Remus didn't want to talk. They had evaded the subject for the most time, trying to speak about harmless topics instead of the things they really needed to talk about. It wasn't until they met at the beginning of December, for the last time in the old year, that Remus himself finally took the plunge, asking for the first time about the night Libavius' had encountered a familiar Death Eater in his tiny backyard, late at night, and received the warning that saved his own life and that of his family. Grasping at the opportunity Libavius retold the story with greater detail, in his voice a mixture of sadness and thankfulness. When he was done he couldn't stop shaking his head.

"I still don't understand it, Remus. It doesn't make sense. Why did he murder Dumbledore and yet - do that for me? It doesn't add up. There's no logic."

The noise level in the pub around them had continued to swell up and down, like waves coming into a harbour. Students were seated all around them, enjoying they Friday night, their beer and company, sandwiched between their friends. From a screen in the far back of the room a sports broadcast blared, adding to the general noise. Remus put the glass of ale he had in front of him down again. The potion was safe in his bag, and he was done with keeping secrets that weren't his anyway. Maybe there was something he could give Libavius, after all.

"He worked for Albus."

Libavius, his glass in his hand, nodded and drained the remaining Guiness. "Yes, of course, in Hogwarts. But what does that have to do with it?"

Sighing Remus wrapped his fingers around his pint.

"That's not what I meant. He was a member of the Order. The Order of the Phoenix. For a very long time. I think he was with the Order even before I joined."

The empty Guiness glass clanked loudly as Libvaius almost dropped it while putting it down. It didn't break.

"The Order? That Order? The one the newspaper and you tell me finally organised and carried out the defeat of that crazy asshole wizard Riddle?"

Remus nodded. "Yes."

He could see how the bohemian tried to make sense of that new piece of knowledge. "But how's that possible? He was one of Riddles' followers, everyone says that. The newspapers wrote that. When he - when he killed Dumbledore. How could he have been a member of the Order? And kill Dumbledore?"

Rubbing his forehead Remus sighed. This was going to be a long conversation.

"He was one of Volde - Riddles' men, yes. Before he joined the order. Then he switched sides, but stayed in Riddles' favours. He carried information back to the Order. Saved many lives doing so. And killing Albus, that, well. Apparently it was a plan Albus came up with. He was dying, you see, and - he thought it was a good strategic move. So they went through with it."

From the look on his face Libavius had just been told that the sky was purple and it was going to be the end of the world in the next ten minutes. He stared at Remus, mouth slightly agape, looking like he hadn't understood a single word.

"Are you trying to tell me that he was some - some kind of - like a spy?"

Finally taking a good swig of his ale Remus nodded.

"That's what I'm telling you. He was a spy. For many years."

For a moment he thought Libavius would simply die of a heart attack, right on the very spot, or go into shock. Then he blinked, rapidly, and got up from his bar stool.

"I need more alcohol for this conversation. You want some, too?"

Nodding Remus watched him wrestle his way through the crowded pub towards the bar, order, wait, pay, and return with three glasses. On a large screen behind the bar the telly was blaring the latest rugby championships into the pub, students cheering their favourite players to rush forward, and Remus thought his lungs would give up on him soon for the pain of loss searing through him once more. It was difficult to form these words, to finally tell Libavius what had happened. But it felt right, as if it would help if at least someone knew what Severus had done, and why. And for whom.

Briefly his thoughts surged into the air and fled towards St. Mungos, miles away through the clear night air, into a room he had never seen, to a scenario he couldn't imagine. Severus was still alive, a small voice in his mind yelled at him, don't talk about him in past tense. But Remus didn't even know if that was true.

The glasses being plonked down on the table in front of him abruptly tore him from his thoughts. Libavius had brought a new Guiness for himself, a large one this time, and two clear shots.

"Vodka. Prosím, as we say."

They clinked glasses and downed the liquid. It burned in Remus throat, just painful enough to chase images of whitewashed walls from his mind.

"Okay. Tell me. I am prepared."

Libavius slammed the empty shot glass down again, immediately wrapping his hands around his Guiness glass. Remus took a breath, nodded, and told him the story from the very beginning as thoroughly as he could.

When he was done an hour later Libavius had brought three more shots, almost torn out a fistful of his red curls, cleaned his glasses on his shirt sleeves every five minutes, tried not to sob three times and grasped Remus' hand twice. Prudently Remus had omitted everything about the toll the years as a spy had taken on Severus' health, mentioned only how he had to stop working in the final month, nothing more. He wasn't sure Libavius' could yet live with the image of the long hands perpetually trembling.

Even without these details it still had almost been too much for Libavius, and Remus felt pity. It would take the man a few month to work through this, that much was for sure. With his glasses off he rubbed his face thoroughly before returning them to his nose and looking at Remus again, his fourth pint almost empty.

"I can't believe I never - how did I never - I never knew."

Patting his shoulder in what Remus hoped was a reassuring gesture he nodded.

"Well, you were not supposed to know. Nobody knew. And even those who knew that he was a spy didn't know about what happened with Albus."

The mention of Albus' name now made the bohemian look seriously unwell.

"That will give me nightmares. I had them anyway, but now I'll never sleep again. Did you know the truth?"

For a brief moment Remus considered telling him that he wouldn't be the only one with nightmares, then, but stopped himself. There was no need to tell a man his pain wasn't worth considering just because someone else felt worse. He hadn't slept without dreams for years, he felt, and never would again.

"I didn't, not when it happened. I learnt about it weeks later, shortly before the battle. Albus had left memories, you see, for a pensieve. Are you familiar with that type of magic?"

Images of the pensieve on Albus' desk flashed through his mind, and of the same pensieve on Severus' desk, and of the memories swirling inside the carved stone bowl. He pushed them aside firmly as Libavius nodded.

"Good. Well, Albus had left memories bottled up, coded by a time sensitive spell. Minerva McGonagall, the headmistress to follow him, found them. She looked at them, and then allowed me to see for myself. They were mostly focused on the time when Albus told Severus of his plan to die from his hand, and detailed all their conversation. It became crystal clear in those that Severus was - "

For a brief moment Remus had to search for the right word to describe what he had seen in those memories. He remembered sitting at the desk that was now Minervas, leaning forward until his nose touched the swirling fog, and then falling. He had resurfaced in the very same office, watching the scene unfold. He had listened to Albus, sitting in his chair behind the desk, unfolding his plan to a seated Severus. From the way Severus wore his robes Remus had known it had happened during term, but he hadn't been able to pinpoint the exact moment. But he knew he would never forget the look on Severus' face when Albus detailed what he was supposed to do, how his facial expression had tumbled from his usual sardonic boredom to unveiled panic.

He had never seen Severus afraid before.

" - desperate. He was desperate."

And silent. During the first conversation he had said nothing beyond point-blank refusing to do what Albus wanted from him. During the second one he had been talking too much, a futile attempt to find another way. Albus had listened, smiling a smile Remus deemed almost cruel, and told him there was none. And Severus had again refused to believe him. It had taken a third conversation in the forest, still in colourful detail in the memory, that he had yelled and complained, and made the fuss Remus had him expected to make, all sound and fury. It didn't help, though, and when he was at the end of his tirade he had stared at Albus, for a long time, and then simply told him he couldn't. And Albus, loving and cruel, told him that it didn't matter if he could or not, as long as he did what he had to do, like anyone. They had stood in silence for a long while, and while Remus listened to Minerva next to him silently cry into her handkerchief he thought he could point out the exact moment when Severus realised that he was never going to get out of this, that he was truly falling and could do nothing but wait for the impact of flesh and bone onto cold, hard rock.

The memory had stopped there, with Albus suddenly reaching out, and Remus suspected that what followed had been something Albus had not wanted to share with them, not even after his death. Remus had come back to his senses in the headmistress' office, sitting on the floor, with Minerva staring at the pensieve with tears running down her face. He hadn't realised he was sobbing until she reached out to pull him up and into a hug. He hadn't seen the memory again, not even when Minerva had taken it upon herself to pass her newfound knowledge on towards other members of the inner circle.

When the noise of the pub floated back into his ears he realised he had been staring into nothingness for far too long. But next to him Libavius was perfectly still, hands on his lap, staring onto the beer stained table.

Remus had to cough to break the silence, and then hoped that his voice was steady.

"Well. It was clear he didn't want to do it, that it was painful. He tried to refuse, but he couldn't, and he knew."

Nodding Libavius looked up again.

"I can't imagine what it must have felt like. It sounds insane that he could keep that for himself for so long. And he never told you?"

Sighing Remus lifted his glass only to realise that it was empty. He put it down again.

"No, but I understand now. He couldn't. Nobody could have been allowd know if Albus' plan was going to work. He kept many secrets, and it just became one more."

In hindsight Remus should have known something was up. He had known something was gnawing on Severus, but he hadn't expected it to be something as grave as that. They had spent almost one-and-a-half year in an amicable arrangement that had never received a name, simply sharing company and a bed, almost on a regular basis. It had been difficult sometimes and beautiful at others, an endless attempt to find balance between what they wanted and what they could make happen. Trial and error, but they had never called it love. It wouldn't have worked out, anyway.

"But you were, I mean - you were?"

Libavius' voice was almost tender, as if he was trying to ask a question he had been pondering for a long time and still didn't know if it was appropriate to ask or not. Remus simply nodded.

"We were."

Until they weren't.

Three weeks before Albus died on the Astronomy Tower Severus had told Remus it wasn't going to work. That there was too much happening, that he didn't have time. And he had vanished, disentangling their lives with nimble fingers. Remus hadn't understood, not until the day Albus' died, and then afterwards maybe a bit. Nobody had known anyway, so it had been easy to pretend it had never happened.

He felt Libavius' hand on his shoulder, soft and warm. It didn't help against the old pain.

"I'm sorry, Remus."

Nodding into his empty glass once more Remus couldn't help but agree. "So am I."

They left the pub as the owner called last orders. Standing outside in the cold air of a wet winter Remus pushed his hands deeper into his pockets, watching his breath become visible in the night and the lights of the streetlamps. Together they left the still crowded corner and dived into the dark haze of alleyways, past looming buildings in that golden sandstone that gleamed beautifully in daylight and looked mostly threatening and wet during nights like this. Passing underneath a fake reconstruction of a Venetian bridge Libavius turned up the collar of his new looking heavy wool coat. Shivering Remus kept his gaze on the ground. The light bag with the wolfsbane potion was heavy on his shoulder.

Arriving at the corner in the courtyard used as the designated apparation spot Libavius shook Remus' hand thoroughly.

"Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it, really. I still can't believe all this happened under my own nose. I've known and loved Severus for such a long time, and yet - and yet he did these terrifying things, and I never knew."

He sounded as if he was going to choke up, guilt deeply carved into his voice. Remus only shook his head and tried to smile in the dim light.

"As I said, you weren't supposed to. Severus guarded his secrets carefully. Too much depended on it."

Remus had never seen an emotional display of such clarity, sadness deeply etched into Libavius' features. He only nodded. Trying to lighten the mood and get out of the cold before he could catch death or something even worse Remus patted the bag with the large vial.

"Thank you for the potion. And the beer and food. And the company."

Hastily nodding Libavius brushed a sleeve across his face. "It's my honour to do that for you. It's an extraordinary thing, that potion, and - " He stopped in the middle of his sentence, clearing his throat. " - and Severus is still alive. Or is he?"

Remus couldn't help but shrug. "I haven't heard otherwise."

Nodding Libavius produced a tissue from his coat pocket, turning slightly away to blow his nose. Stuffing the balled up tissue back into his coat pocket he returned to face Remus.

"And now, Remus? What is going to happen now?"

Again there was nothing Remus could do but shrug. He truly did not know.

The conversation still echoed through Remus' mind next morning, while he was sitting at his sad excuse for a kitchen table, nursing his hang-over with a mug of the cheapest strong black tea he had been able to buy. He had nowhere to go this day, and the hangover from the surprising amount of alcohol Libavius' had needed to stomach the truth Remus unfolded on the dirty pubtable in front of them pounded in his head. It was only a matter of time until he had to head down to pick up painkillers. Muggle ones weren't as efficient as the sleek vials drawn from invisible pockets in dark, heavy robes, clear liquid running down his throat with a taste of mint and relaxation, but they would do. It was better than nothing, which could have been Remus' lifemotto anyway.

He had almost decided to get up when the large owl appeared at his window. It carried a newspaper and a large, official looking letter, and left as soon as he had freed it off its cargo. Relatching the window he carried both items back to his table and sat down on the chair again.

It took a minute until he understood that the letter was not a product of his imagination. It was large, cream coloured thick paper, expensive, and he had seen it before. It was addressed to his full name and his proper address, and the seal on the back was dark burgundy. He stared at the seal for a very long time until he broke it, and then he stared at the letter for an even longer time. Then he flipped the newspaper open at the point where the little slip of paper pasted into it indicated that he'd do.

The article was short, stating nothing but that a few Death Eaters had been released from St. Mungo's to be transported to Azkaban, awaiting their trail in the upcoming spring after they had been properly interrogated. There were pictures of them, as it was common. He remembered Sirius' mugshot, the crazed laughter and yelled claim of innocence. These four men and two women did not yell or laugh. They simply stared at the camera, unmoving despite it being a magical picture, and Remus felt his stomach plummet down.

He sat and stared at the image, unable to process that he was looking at Severus, gaunt and hollow looking, eyes completely empty, a new scar on his left temple, hair cut terribly short, but yet, still - alive. Remus looked at the picture, unmoving himself, as if he would learn anything from the tiny, bad quality image he didn't know yet.

Then he placed the open newspaper on the table, very carefully, right next to the thick letter in Minerva's elegant handwriting offering him a position as Head of the House of Gryffindor, starting next winter term, and went down to the shops to pick up painkillers and a bottle of whiskey.

* * *

(c) Fayet - 28/2/2016

Prosím - czech, Cheers!

_Apologies for the delay. Against all odds I'm still working on this, and will continue to update the final two chapters in the next weeks. As you may or may not have noticed I've done some extensive re-writing work on the first chapters of "Fire" and will continue to do so until the whole things is completely updated. You might notice minor changes of plot in the updated chapters. _

_ Thanks for staying with me for such a long time.  
_


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